Among Friends

[Sweet_Serenity]

Excellent feedback from experienced ladies. My story is different. Long term relationship, Ended with unfinished business. Therapy helped me get on the other side. Speaking only for myself came to understand my part in holding on. Looking back never was what I thought it was. Fell in love with love, If that makes sense? Now five years later starting to date. Took hiatus from men. Needed to learn why chose unhealthy entire life. That's another story, Therapy was instrumental helping bring light to deeper reasons. Found therapist specialized in trauma and in my surviving abduction in childhood. Learned our pasts does hold keys to unlocking the door to freedom. Please, Heed the advice wiser women than I that shared with you. Gift is the journey and willingness to keep moving forward. As long as we do this more keeps being revealed. Thank you for sharing your experience. Touched me and if ever you need support im here.

[IMW]

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@NicksmomESQ wrote:

 @hondagirl There is absolutely nothing wrong with you!! You're human & you were terribly hurt by someone you trusted & loved for many years.

  I've never experienced your loss.I will not pretend to know what you're going through,but I've helped a couple of friends who have been there.

  You may never love that way again. That doesn't mean that you can't find love & companionship. You did nothing wrong.Try to put your old memories on a shelf & make new ones.

   You deserve to be happy.If this guy your're seeing lifts you up.If you enjoy his company let it happen.Don't compare him to your ex.If he could cheat on you & walk out on you for somebody else he wasn't the man you thought he was.He doesn't deserve anymore of your time.

  Life is way to short.Please move on.You deserve the best!!

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Great answer filled with wisdom and compassion.

[golding76]

My first marriage was so dreadful that, although it took me a while to gain proper perspective, I now view it as a hellish union from which I'm glad I freed myself. 

He was -- and still is -- a self-centered and spoiled person.  I realize your husband walked out, but mine was, as I painfully learned, messing around, too.  Plus he was abusive in various ways.  

Maybe you can focus on the horrible experience that marriage was and then move on more easily.  Although it took me very long to understand what a poor candidate for marriage my first spouse was (there were signs of future trouble, but I was young and ignored every single one of them), I eventually understood and was glad I was free from his cruel personality.  Loving men are out there.

My second husband was a dream come true.  Really.  It wasn't love at first sight but love at first conversation.  We never parted after our first date.  (He went home at nights, of course, but we saw each other every day after that first date -- until I went to Crete after more than a year's time to meet his family.)  

Please dream BIG.  I wish you every future happiness.  

Try to remember that selfish and miserable people usually have rather sour home lives.  I'm certain his second wife sees some cracks in his veneer.

[I had to write to you because my beloved second husband died on the same day your husband left, October 6, 2001.  So, you and I have mourned our husbands since that day.  Very odd.]

[missy1]

I have been there, and you got to move on. The years are going by (16 years since he left), and you need to find happiness.Keep going to therapy, if you need it.

[Trinity11]

33 years is a very long time to be with the love of your life. Please go easy on yourself. Your reaction is normal. It's still a good sign that you have at least moved on and are seeing someone. I wish you my best in healing...

[Bananie]

@hondagirl - Sorry you've been through this. One never gets over 33 yrs together. You're entitled to feel any way you want. I hope you had children together. If so, I hope you have grandchildren and good girlfriends. A gentleman friend is nice to have even if your not feeling the love. 

I got divorced after 19 yrs together. It was pretty mutual. Never, thought I'd meet someone else. But I have and there are times I miss my ex. We had remained good friends. Unfortunately he was murdered last August. It was gut wrenching. And dreams of him come often. Just fortunate I have my fiancé to get me through the rough times. 

Just be true to yourself and maybe one day you'll fall in love again. Best wishes.

[Nataliesgramma]

(((HUGS)))

[Q4u]

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@Hondagirl wrote:

He walked out the door 10/6/2001... I will never forget that day as I stood in the hallway and watched him leave... No idea this was happening.  Found out later he was involved with a woman at work and they eventually married.  My heart was broken for years and was on medication and went to support groups.  Worse time of my life...I still try and move on so many years later but I have many memories that haunt me.  I see a nice guy now and really care about him but can't seem to fall in love with anyone.  I did see a counselor for a few months while my insurance paid for it but something always sets me in tears especially the holidays or just a song... Can't forget the 33 years of marriage that I gave this man - what is wrong with me???

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Nothing is wrong with you.  You are "stuck" in that time and are looping the painful moments and reliving the beautiful ones.  It happens often with grief and although support groups are good, it sounds like you may need to see another grief counselor one on one.  You need the "tools" to break the cycle you are going through so you can move on with your life.

Your ex may have changed but don't count on it.  Make sure you are healthy and back to normal before deciding whether to get back together with him... you may decide "Same guy, different year..."  You deserve so much more than circling the "what ifs" with this guy....

[tsavorite]

I could only add a few suggestions from lot's of good advice....I would start today to "block" out this person from my life.  If you are still talking to people and asking about him...don't do that.  If you have photos up and out in your home...pack them up today.  Then each and everytime "he" and painful memory comes up...say to yourself...I am not going to dwell on that anymore....I am moving forward....to new people and a new life.  Push thoughts out and don't allow yourself to go down memory lane...it's hard at first but if you do it immediately when you catch yourself you will find it's easier and you'll begin to emotionally detach and think about other things.  Sorry but make this topic your last post about "him" and the past....your going onward and upward to new experiences of joy and happiness.

[Lindsays Grandma]

Oh my dear, I don't know what I can say to help you but I am so sorry you have been hurting for such a long time.  When one door closes another door opens and until you close the door you won't find what is on the other side.  Some people find it difficult to let go, like my daughter who has always been that way.  You have a nice man in your life now, concentrate on him, let the past go, you have to in order to have a life.  God Bless and good luck.

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@Hondagirl wrote:

He walked out the door 10/6/2001... I will never forget that day as I stood in the hallway and watched him leave... No idea this was happening.  Found out later he was involved with a woman at work and they eventually married.  My heart was broken for years and was on medication and went to support groups.  Worse time of my life...I still try and move on so many years later but I have many memories that haunt me.  I see a nice guy now and really care about him but can't seem to fall in love with anyone.  I did see a counselor for a few months while my insurance paid for it but something always sets me in tears especially the holidays or just a song... Can't forget the 33 years of marriage that I gave this man - what is wrong with me???

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