Can't get ex-husband out of my mind

hondagirl · ‎07-07-2012

He walked out the door 10/6/2001... I will never forget that day as I stood in the hallway and watched him leave... No idea this was happening. Found out later he was involved with a woman at work and they eventually married. My heart was broken for years and was on medication and went to support groups. Worse time of my life...I still try and move on so many years later but I have many memories that haunt me. I see a nice guy now and really care about him but can't seem to fall in love with anyone. I did see a counselor for a few months while my insurance paid for it but something always sets me in tears especially the holidays or just a song... Can't forget the 33 years of marriage that I gave this man - what is wrong with me???

PhilaLady1 · ‎03-11-2010

Nothing is wrong with you ! Something so painful may ease up with time where the pain isn't constant, but it does not go away completely. Its called being human. (((hugs)))

viva923 · ‎03-12-2010

I don't think anything is wrong with you.

You are still grieving the loss the marriage. sometimes you can never get over it.

You lose a partner to death, some people never recover from the loss. You are in the same boat. The marriage failed for what ever reason. You also may be still wondering why did he do it, why not come right out and tell me.

I think the big question is why, why did he do this to me. It is a loss that came on so abruptly you were not prepared for it.

Keep each day as a new beginning. begin each day not looking back. begin each day with footprints pointing in the direction you want to go.

Release yourself now from this self doubt of why.

Only you can do this, you have to begin each day with baby steps moving forward, not backwards. You can do it, if you put your mind to it.

chrystaltree · ‎05-10-2010

There's nothing wrong with you. I think you are feelings are normal, it's the way any woman would feel after the break up of long marriage that she assumed was happy. A few months of counselling isn't going to help much, I imagine you would need to be in therapy for a few years. You need to deal with the divorce but other issues in your life too. I think you are expecting too much from yourself. You won't ever forget and put it behind you and "move on". Women can do that after short marriages, they can move on from 5 or 10 year marriage but 33 years is lifetime. How do you forget a life? I think you need professional help, you need coping strategies to help you compartmentalize the memories and negative feelings so that you aren't thinking about it all the time. As for falling in love. Why must you fall in love? I think it's harder to fall in lov after we get older because we know what real love is and no on chooses to fall in love. You have a nice guy in your life and that is wonderful thing. You care for him, he cares for you. Enjoy that, nuture that relationship. Have fun with him! Do things and go to places with him that don't hold memories. I think the pain of your divorce will always be there but it does not have to overwhelm you.

freakygirl · ‎07-03-2014

i'm so sorry hondagirl. 🙁 you were caught unaware and hurt really badly. nothing's wrong with you. if you didn't feel like that, there WOULD be something wrong with you. healing time varies for everyone. if you're not ready, don't get into another relationship yet - if you don't mind my saying. you have to reconcile yourself with your past first before you can move on. a clean slate is always a good start. hugs 🤗

2blonde · ‎03-10-2010

@hondagirl Wow. I'm so sorry for what you are still going through. Thirty-three years is a long time; and then to be blindsided like that had to be devastating for you. Having said that, let me say that sixteen years is also a long time to grieve and live in the past.

I wish I could say something that would help you move on with your life while you still have time to enjoy it. I'm 68 and was divorced at 25 after 6-1/2 years of marriage. I had many relationships over the years, with one true love from many years ago where I do still think of him and wonder how he is now (I've heard he's having health problems). Over the past 15 years or so, I've stopped dating completely and have found peace and joy in my own independence. I hope you can see that being in a serious relationship is not always a necessity for happiness. Learn to love yourself and revel in the wonderful person that you are. You don't need a man to make you whole.

Laura loves cats!

hondagirl · ‎07-07-2012

I didn't date anyone for years after he left. I always had the hope he would want to come home but of course that never happened. Divorce hit me hard but I was lucky I had a full time job and was able to be out of the house. Coming home at the end of the day and weekends was my worst time... Just putting that key in the door made me cry. He left 16 years ago but he will always be with me...

NicksmomESQ · ‎08-19-2014

@hondagirl There is absolutely nothing wrong with you!! You're human & you were terribly hurt by someone you trusted & loved for many years.

I've never experienced your loss.I will not pretend to know what you're going through,but I've helped a couple of friends who have been there.

You may never love that way again. That doesn't mean that you can't find love & companionship. You did nothing wrong.Try to put your old memories on a shelf & make new ones.

You deserve to be happy.If this guy your're seeing lifts you up.If you enjoy his company let it happen.Don't compare him to your ex.If he could cheat on you & walk out on you for somebody else he wasn't the man you thought he was.He doesn't deserve anymore of your time.

Life is way to short.Please move on.You deserve the best!!

newname0 · ‎06-20-2015

@Hondagirl wrote:
I didn't date anyone for years after he left. I always had the hope he would want to come home but of course that never happened. Divorce hit me hard but I was lucky I had a full time job and was able to be out of the house. Coming home at the end of the day and weekends was my worst time... Just putting that key in the door made me cry. He left 16 years ago but he will always be with me...

My Dad died after 10 years of marriage with my Mother and she never got over it. She stayed a widow until her death at 76. My sister and I regretted that she never tried to find a new mate. We really would have loved to have a Dad but some women carry their grief all their life. If anything reminds you of him get rid of it even if it's your house and start afresh.

q-girl · ‎10-05-2011

@hondagirl There is nothing wrong with you. HOWEVER . . .IMO there is much wrong with a man ( or woman, for that matter) who is to much of a selfish coward to be honest and upfront enough with his/her significant other when his/her feelings or interests have changed. Stand up, be a man, (or woman) and end your current relationship before beginning a new one.

Will that hurt ? Absolutely. But the honesty and integrity behind the truth will ultimately make it easier to bear. When a hurtful secret is finally revealed, and there are lies and deceit revealed too? That's what makes it so confusing and difficult to process.

hondagirl, it's not you. It's the way your ex handled an already painful situation that has left you with so many unanswered questions.

Life is tough, but I am tougher!!