Can't get Xmas back in my life - Page 4

Kachina624 · ‎03-10-2010

@mollymaggie wrote:
I just want to comment on the responses to this post They are so loving and right on I hope some day if I am hurting that people would care this much

@mollymaggie. We've been known to bicker among ourselves a time or two, but when a fellow poster is hurting, we gather our forces like the fiercest of armies and rally to help however we can. There's a lot of wisdom and experience here.

New Mexico☀️Land Of Enchantment

CalminHeart · ‎03-09-2010

@hondagirl wrote:

Husand left in the month of October many years ago and I was a mess over the holidays...Could not get over the fact he was with someone else and I had no idea where to turn for sometime. My kids would have dinner and then I would eat at a friends house - very hard times for me. Went to therapy and meetings to help with the lonliness. For many years I didn't do anything but go to work and come home. He would not consider coming back to trying to figure out what went wrong. It's now been several years and he has since married the woman he left me for and that still hurts at times. I do have someone in my life now and I try and make the holidays the best I can but when my husband left and hurt me so bad the Xmas spirit died... I know many of you do not understand why I am this way but I can't feel any holiday at all - it's gone completely...This is not fair to my new guy but I can't do any holiday preparations without tears... When a Xmas song comes on the radio in my car I need to change it I will go to pieces.. Still love this man so much and guess I won't move on...Just feels so good to vent and let it out..

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's tough and I feel for you. I found out on a Christmas Eve that my H was cheating so I understand.

I loved Christmas... a long time ago. Several bad things have happened over the holidays. I kept up the charade of merriment while my kids were living at home. Once they moved out, I quit. After a few years, I threw away everything Christmas except for a couple of ornaments that my dad had when he was very young.

Question. Do you miss and love him or do you miss what you thought you had and would have?

This question helped me through the grieving period after my divorce. He cheated so I knew we did not have what I thought we had. But I had to get my heart to agree.

You said it's been a few years. That's too long to have crying jags. Yes, feeling sad or melancholy and an occasional tear are normal. But to break out in tears and to say you still love him is a lot to think and feel after a few years.

Don't let your ex control your life. Take charge. Find a charity to help. Find a new hobby. Do something about it.

Get some counseling. If you can, find a certified EMDR counselor. I went through EMDR counseling for the first 6 months of this year (followed Mom's death) and it changed my life in many ways.

CherryHugs · ‎07-21-2014

Grief of any kind, even divorce makes the holidays hard to get thru. I cry so often at Christmas music, almost cry in stores when sad Christmas music comes on. It is hard for me to get into the spirit of the holidays. Best Wishes.

Faith is the strength by which a shattered world shall emerge into the light. —Helen Keller

Jamma · ‎03-10-2010

@MalteseMomma

I can understand completly I lost my Husband 12/22/15.

Christmas is just celebrating our Lords birth.

SXMGirl · ‎07-07-2010

@hondagirl, I am so sorry that you are feeling this way, especially since you have been experiencing this for a long time. The holidays are not always the happiest of times, and most of us have had holidays that were not the best. Hopefully, you have had the opportunity to talk about your feelings with either a good friend or a counselor. An issue festering for so long is just not good.

First, I would eliminate the X. That automatically, to me, brings a negative connotation.

Then, since you now have someone in your life, go out of your way to make it the best Christmas that he has ever had. That is a mindset and only you can make that change.

My good friend did not have a good childhood and now she goes all out so that she, her family, and her friends can have a joyous holiday. It is the choice that she made and you can do the same.

I wish you a very Merry Christmas.

The next time that I hear salt and ice together, it better be in a margarita!

mimomof4 · ‎03-08-2018

@hondagirl I'm so sorry that you feel this way, also understand completely. It takes awhile to grieve and you were deeply hurt.

It seems to me that the Xmas Spirit has changed in our society overall. To me it seems so much more about getting and buying instead of just enjoying those around us. Try to do your best to enjoy the person you have. Have you tried getting rid of the reminders you have around the house of your Ex?

MalteseMomma · ‎03-09-2010

@Lucky Charm

Meeting the Pope was not the highlite of all those years ,although it was right up there almost on the top of the list............... lol

The best part of those yrs was forming a personal friendship with Mother Teresa. I met her and worked along side of her . What a wonderful and busy time in my life. I have viedo's of those years to treasure. I had forgotten them.

I want to thank you for replying to my first post.It brought back many memories of a good and busy part of my life after I lost my hubby and son..

If I had not walked back into Church that lonely Christmas eve so very long ago,my life may have been very,very different. You have unknowingly given me a treasured Christmas gift! Thanks again @Lucky Charm.............and.......

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

@pigletsmom wrote:
You really have two options.

You can continue to pine for a guy that cheated on you and left and let him run your life from afar.

You can commit to the guy you're seeing now if he's a good guy.

Clearly this is ruining more than Christmas for you. If you choose the first option you probably need to move on from the other guy. Not really fair to him. Personally I think you'd be better off to create new memories. Start some new traditions with your man. Change up how you celebrate the holiday. Go out to brunch instead of cooking dinner, or open gifts on Christmas eve or go together and volunteer someplace.

If you found a good man don't lose him over some guy that clearly isn't worth it.

I have a third option here: You can commit to yourself. A lot of us are without the people that we loved who were so special to us. Of course the holidays weren't what they were, but what is?

Your third choice is to be happy and move on. Someone once said that a person is about as happy as they make up their minds to me. And I think there is a grain of truth in that. So if your ex is what is making you miserable, I do believe that it is something you can correct if you put your mind to it.

I'm not saying you shouldn't discuss with someone, and that you may be in need of counseling or meds to help you get through, but I'm saying to you please make up your mind that you are going to be happy. It just might work, costs nothing and is worth a try.

Try to find books to read, community events to go to, a group at your library, or anyhing else. New clothes, new hairstyle, new interests and hobbies. Make a point of doing something every day that you enjoy and build on that.

You can do it! I have faith in you! Don't sit around and mope over the bum who left! He'll probably leave the other one too!

doxie1 · ‎03-09-2010

@hondagirl wrote:
Husand left in the month of October many years ago and I was a mess over the holidays...Could not get over the fact he was with someone else and I had no idea where to turn for sometime. My kids would have dinner and then I would eat at a friends house - very hard times for me. Went to therapy and meetings to help with the lonliness. For many years I didn't do anything but go to work and come home. He would not consider coming back to trying to figure out what went wrong. It's now been several years and he has since married the woman he left me for and that still hurts at times. I do have someone in my life now and I try and make the holidays the best I can but when my husband left and hurt me so bad the Xmas spirit died... I know many of you do not understand why I am this way but I can't feel any holiday at all - it's gone completely...This is not fair to my new guy but I can't do any holiday preparations without tears... When a Xmas song comes on the radio in my car I need to change it I will go to pieces.. Still love this man so much and guess I won't move on...Just feels so good to vent and let it out..

@hondagirl

You have the chance to make the holidays what you want Do something different that you and that someone can do to celebrate. You have to make a decision that you want to let go of the ex and move on. It is very freeing and you wonder why you took so long. Everybody deserve to be with someone that wants to be with them. It is really your ex's loss instead of yours.Find something that takes up time and makes you worthwhile like volunteering or joining a club.

I worry that you are allowing someone that does not love you control your life. This man in your life may be your knight in shining armour. Take time to get to know him and enjoy time together.

Sometimes I think we do get to wrapped up in stuff at Christmas that isn't really about the holiday. You seem to need to find an outlet for the loneliness and a need for you. I do think you would benefit from a good counselor.

good wishes

doxie

Cakers3 · ‎06-17-2015

@hondagirl wrote:
Husand left in the month of October many years ago and I was a mess over the holidays...Could not get over the fact he was with someone else and I had no idea where to turn for sometime. My kids would have dinner and then I would eat at a friends house - very hard times for me. Went to therapy and meetings to help with the lonliness. For many years I didn't do anything but go to work and come home. He would not consider coming back to trying to figure out what went wrong. It's now been several years and he has since married the woman he left me for and that still hurts at times. I do have someone in my life now and I try and make the holidays the best I can but when my husband left and hurt me so bad the Xmas spirit died... I know many of you do not understand why I am this way but I can't feel any holiday at all - it's gone completely...This is not fair to my new guy but I can't do any holiday preparations without tears... When a Xmas song comes on the radio in my car I need to change it I will go to pieces.. Still love this man so much and guess I won't move on...Just feels so good to vent and let it out..

@hondagirl I haven't read all the responses and I don't know if you are still reading this thread.

If it has been years, then what wasn't working then would never work now.

Your "love" for him is based on what was, not what is now.

Your lack of enthusiasm for Christmas is understandable with your emotional pain; however, his leaving you wasn't about Christmas. It was about a man who was either unwilling or unable to work with you to sort things out. Christmas just happened to come around a few months later-the first you had to go through after he left.

This isn't about Christmas today, either. It's about choosing your own path; you know this. You know it deep inside when you say you won't move on. It's safer sometimes to stay locked because we fear what is going to come down the road or we fear to open up that next chapter in our lives.

Hon-you are right that it isn't fair to your new person; but most of all it isn't fair to you.

It's very easy to use a holiday like Christmas to banish any thought of joy from our lives; seeing all the lights, the music, the commercials-of course memories will flood back. You want the new person to be the old person; and if you continue to equate the two men you will most likely end up alone, again.

But you still carry on all year-do you not?

Your pride is hurt; and he is living rent free in your head, as they say.

You know what your choices are; remain frozen in time when there was a marriage with this man (and I guarantee things were not always the best-right?) or wake up with a new, refreshed outlook.

Joy isn't just for Christmas; it's for all year. It isn't Christmas that brings us joy, hope, renewal-it really is us who bring those things to Christmas.

I sincerely wish you all the best; too much time has passed and it's time to know you for you, not what you thought you were back in a place where life seemed good because it was going the way you expected.

Now it's different; change is tough, you had no experience dealing with a husband leaving. Now you do. I would kindly suggest another round of therapy so that your new experiences in life will be acknowledged by you and celebrated.

You deserve this.

"" Compassion is a verb."-Thich Nhat Hanh