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Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,458
Registered: ‎12-27-2010

Re: Brother-in-law wants something and it’s usually money. What would you do?

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@ThinkingOutLoud wrote:

Some of these responses astound me. To all this applies to:

Be the bigger person.


My lack of wanting to communicate with a sibling or three has zero to do with finances. I am no longer going to participate in the drama of their abandonment of our family, their impactful drug addiction and drug dealing for 30 years and or now they realize oh wow they are 60+ years old, or their delusional criticism of my mother (because they are crazy)....nope you left me, the youngest, to clean up the many messes 8 siblings can have. I WAS the bigger person as you say. Screw them now.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 30,235
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

Re: Brother-in-law wants something and it’s usually money. What would you do?

I've always approached family 'stuff' with hearing the person out and then make whatever decision it entails.

 

Quick for instance.  My older sister drove everyone crazy.  She had 5 children which by the time this happened they were adults.

 

My niece (her daughter) asked me what she should do when my sister wanted to see her while in the hospital.

 

I lived with my sister and 4 of her children growing up.  She was a divorced mom with no help from anyone but my Dad.  He gave her money to help for me.

 

Anyway I told my niece she should go to her mom and make peace.  There was an excellent chance she was going to die.  I said she needed to go for herself, so SHE could heal.  

 

My niece opted to not go see her and my sister died.

 

My niece told me I was right.  She experiences so much pain, anger and to name it.  She's been to many psychiatrists and still feels bad.

 

I think the OP and her husband should meet with these family members FOR THEMSELVES.  

In the end, at times when we are alone with our thoughts we must have cleaned 'our brains' whoever we got the chance. 

When it comes to what's in our hearts and brains we need to clear out as much as we can or else we won't have room for the love and joys in life ahead.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 13,374
Registered: ‎11-24-2013

Re: Brother-in-law wants something and it’s usually money. What would you do?

@Annabellethecat66 The BIL didn't ask for a meeting but a phone call.

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,986
Registered: ‎08-01-2019

Re: Brother-in-law wants something and it’s usually money. What would you do?

I have a sister and am in sort of the same situation.  She is bipolar, is fine with you for about 2-3 years and then gets angry about something and cuts you out of her life.  Never apologizes, often says she doesn't know why we stopped talking etc....(this is when she gets angry with somebody else)

 

I have been done with the relationship for almost 20 years.  She is well off.  Any correspondence she has sent if she has been sick is very vague.  She sent me a letter many many years ago saying she had breast cancer, but no indication of how serious it was, what or how long the treatment was etc.   I sent her a letter back mentioning the above and wishing her a speedy recovery and continued wellness. 

 

If your husband truly does not want any contact with his brother, could he contact his sister or another relative?  These relationships can take a real toll on people and it often takes a lot to realize that keeping distance may be the healthiest option. 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,481
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Brother-in-law wants something and it’s usually money. What would you do?


@ThinkingOutLoud wrote:

Some of these responses astound me. To all this applies to:

Be the bigger person.


I was the bigger person for years. Probably a good two decades. Any time, even the middle of the night and holidays.

 

It's time for people to figure out life for themselves.

 

 

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,932
Registered: ‎05-09-2014

Re: Brother-in-law wants something and it’s usually money. What would you do?

With no contact with his siblings for 25-30 years I don't see any reason for your husband  to respond to the cryptic contact from his brother. Unless your husband is wildly curious, he needn't open the door just cause his brother knocked. 

It's not being a better person or having any moral obligation to respond.  Whatever motivated the alienation for all these years is most likely still valid and remains important to your husband. Whether it's family news to relay or a money request, your husband's brother can have any reason for the contact and your husband can maintain any reason to ignore him. 

This is simple and doesn't need a lot of over thinking. If your husband is curious or ready to reconcile even in some small way, he responds to his brother and resets the relationship. If his 30 year indifference to his siblings is as strong as ever, even after all this time, he can ignore the contact and move on with his life as usual.

 

If his brother had not reached out recently would your husband have cared or wondered about his siblings' circumstances or whereabouts?  would he have initiated any contact? Probably not. So I think it's best left the same, continued non-contact.

 

These are choices with perhaps emotional consequences. Perceive the consequence either way: does it hurt more to find out the reason for the contact or hurt more to stay incurious and indifferent. He's had 30 years of practice with one of those choices. 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 32,192
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Brother-in-law wants something and it’s usually money. What would you do?


@ThinkingOutLoud wrote:

Some of these responses astound me. To all this applies to:

Be the bigger person.


@ThinkingOutLoud

 

Sometimes you have to protect yourself.  If he weren't trying to sandbag them, he would have left a message.  He wants to catch you offguard.  And that's why I wouldn't return any calls unless you know what is going on.

 

He is obviously out to play them.

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,965
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

Re: Brother-in-law wants something and it’s usually money. What would you do?


@ThinkingOutLoud wrote:

Some of these responses astound me. To all this applies to:

Be the bigger person.


 

Maybe the family members that the OP's husband hasn't heard from for decades are very toxic, or abusive, or many other legitimate reasons he ended his relationship with them.  If that is the case, why bring this misery back into your life after all these years?

 

If the OP's husband did call his brother, it could actually make things worse.  If the brother is just asking for money and the OP's husband must say NO, then what did returning his phone call accomplish?  Seems to me, just more emotional turmoil for everyone.

 

It's just my view to let sleeping dogs lie in this particular situation.  The man is being evasive so I don't think he has a "good" reason to contact his brother.  If he did, I think he would have let his brother know, or at least given some indication as to what he wants to talk about,  in the letter he sent.

 

Again, JMO.

 

 

 

Valued Contributor
Posts: 766
Registered: ‎02-02-2021

Re: Brother-in-law wants something and it’s usually money. What would you do?

I had a relative ask for a loan in a round about way...hadn't heard from him in years..Finally he said he needed to borrow $5,000..I asked why didn't he ask his siblings..His answer was they said NO!..It was easy for me to say no also.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 19,658
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Brother-in-law wants something and it’s usually money. What would you do?

@Meowingkitty 

 

After all these years with virtually no contact, I would do exactly what DH is doing.....absolutely nothing.

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.