Among Friends

[fortune]

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@CareBears wrote:

@Plaid Pants2  I thought of that too, that maybe she thought we were treating her as a child, but I do not think we really did, we never forced ourselves onto her, and only went to their house with permission, and since they worked so much we waited for them to call us always leaving the door open.  Maybe we did something that we just cannot see?  

I am all too familiar with therapy as I have been in it for years as I suffer with some mental issues such as severe depression, so I have been told plenty of unpleasant things about myself that I have had to face, so I truly do not think that this is why therapy did not work this time, and I have worked with the same therapist for some time, over the years it has basically been a revolving door,  It has just come to a point in my life that I feel I have to defend my actions of the past to feel accepted in my own family and they are so quick to judge us!

Unfortunately my family is not close nor supportive, and I just have to find other things to occupy my time, I thought I had found an outlet to release some of my pain but I find myself not able to concentrate most days for any length of time.

I will be OK I have felt worse many times in the past and was able to pick myself up by the grace of God, I just have to dig deeper and find that deep place inside of myself again!

@CareBears

Please read your above post again, expecially the first paragraph.  Look at how much power you are giving her!  Your daughter can only judge you if you let her!!!

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[CareBears]

@fortune I have just spent the last hour crying my eyes out after reading your post, please do not feel bad you opened my eyes to something my husband and I were not willing to admit to ourselves!  Our daughter and son-in-law have not been treating us with respect for many years, so many people have come up to us over the years and told us that they could see that our daughter did not appreciate everything we did for her and have even gone to the point of calling her selfish, and we always made excuses for her.  But we spent time tonight going over the years and started recalling all the times she disciplined or a better term yelled at us when she did not get her way.  One day when she was 17 years old we were in the middle of an optical store and she started yelling at me right in the middle of the store on a Saturday afternoon because I told her that we would only pay for part of her college and she would have to be responsible for the rest (it was not the money, we just felt that she should take some responsibility for her future and find out what hard work and responsibility meant), she went ballistic saying we never knew how to manage money and should have done a better job at saving. I was horrified that she would treat me like that in front of strangers, this was just one example of, I hate to admit many years of making us feel guilty and succeeding!  I do not remember the circumstances but one night I called at 8:45 (now normally I would not call that late but it had to have been important that night), the next day I received a phone call from our daughter telling us that her and her husband had set up some new rules for us, we were not allowed to call after 8:00 pm under any circumstances, I just now realize how she did control us, who was the parent anyway?

I have a whole lot of soul searching to do, I have been so busy blaming myself for so many years for everything that has gone wrong in everyone's  life that I never truly looked at myself and how much I was hurting myself and literally not living anymore.  I have dealt with bullying most of my life and now I realize that the biggest obstacle I was allowing to keep me deflated was my own daughter?  I preach to others to watch what they say to others, as you just never know how your words can affect others.  I stick up for the underdog and come to their defense when all along I was the underdog, and I was still allowing others to beat me down!

And you know what is even sadder is I was allowing my sister to do the same thing to us, we let her say and do whatever they wanted and never told them to stop it, and then when they were ready to be back in our life we just let them back never making them accountable for their actions, I truly think I physically was making myself sick when I was confronted with the thought of them coming over a couple of weeks ago!

Thank you, it was truly an eye opener for me, hard to read, and even harder to take a deep look into many years and being blind to different events over the years. I feel a renewed hope for my future, I have never been a strong person emotionally, as when I have stuck up for myself in the past I was abandoned and criticized, but though I have typed it out 100 times before I too deserve to be happy, God after all does not make junk, and I have been feeling like junk for a very long time.

Tomorrow I am going to get up, start with a new attitude, hold my head high and start seeing what beauty this world has to offer!

[hckynut]

@Calcgirl,

I hope your Ablation went as expected and you are recovering with no setbacks. As for your son? Appears from what you have said in your post, you might be placing blame on his wife(#2, I guess).

Your son is an adult and unless he has some type of Psychological issue, he is responsible for how he chooses to treat his only mother. I certainly understand why you are hurting, my issue is with your son's lack of love and compassion for his mother. Even moreso when you were going through a very serious heart procedure.

Hopefully your son will get his "wake up" call sooner rather than later.

Try to keep your spirits up and the best to you with these issues.

hckynut(john)

[gabstoomuch]

@CareBears, (or anyone not just CareBears) you should open your Facebook again. NOT to look at your daughters Facebook. BLOCK HER!

BUT, there are groups of support on Facebook that could really help you to A) understand that this is an epidemic that is going on now, and you are far from alone. These groups have anywhere from 8000 - 11,000 members!

and

B) There is comfort in reading other people's stories. It seems we are all in the same boat when it comes to Parental Alienation. Stories are so similar, you sometimes feel like you are reading your own story.

You can share if you wish, and the other people are very supportive. Or, you can just read and process. You will eventually come to realize that none of us were perfect parents, and to live in guilt is futile. You will be able to ruminate through your life and see that you did the best you could, and if it was not good enough for your child, then the problem is theirs, not yours. The pain and anguish never really lightens, but it feels a tiny bit less heavy to know you are not a monster, and you do not deserve to be kicked to the curb.

There really is no answer to making it right. Kissing butt and walking on eggshells around an adult child, always fearful that one wrong move will put you out on the crub again, is NOT worth it.

Getting to "letting go" is oh so painful, but is needed to be able to stay healthy and go on living.

These adult children seriously just do not care. I am not a psychiatrist or anything, but once you understand that a narcissistic society is coming up, and you cannot change them, that sense of loss and guilt eases.

Trust me, you are not alone. I have the son from hell, and he married a girl from hell. I quit trying, I could not tolerate the verbal and psychological abuse. It took lots of reading of other's stories to realize I do not deserve how they treat me.

My biggest heartache is not having the relationship with my G-kids that I was so excited for. My grandson loves me to pieces, but they decided I was to be erased (new DIL did, but son went along with it, so he is just as much to blame). He was with me almost every day for 5.5 years and then just yanked out of my life. My heart bleeds for him, he does not understand. I wish for karma to catch up with them someday, because they are teaching a child how to treat their parents. If they do not think that child is going to do the same to them in future years, they are fooling themselves.

There are many parental alienation groups, some are smaller than the 8-10K ones. I just put Alienated (or estranged) Parents and Grandparents, or Parent Alienation, (any key words to this issue) in the search bar and I picked a couple of groups when I started this journey 4 years ago. I was in such emotional pain, I figured there had to be a group I could find people in my situation. That is what I use Facebook for, not "finding friends".  There are support groups for just about any life matter you can think of. They are all closed groups, so nothing you post will show up anywhere else, so feel safe.

((hugs)) to all. I have no answers as to why this is such a huge problem now. I do not think there is an answer. It is a very, very painful road. I cannot even imagine treating my parents (both now deceased) like adult kids are treating theirs nowadays. But I do believe things go full circle. I may not be on the earth when it happens to them, but I know it will.

[Calcgirl]

Again, thank you all for your kindness and suggestions.    My son called this evening and asked me if I went to the gym, ( I don't go to a gym by the way, which he knows by the way so he was being funny)) .  I told him I planned on running in the Boston Marathon and we both laughed.   I realize now it was his way of dealing with the realization his mama is not invincible anymore.  I was very emotional after the procedure and found out that is normal after heart procedures!  Interesting. 

I do wish we could see eachother more often, but he is a pilot and is only home two days a week so I understand.  I know he loves me and is an excellent father and husband, as my late hubby and I taught him to be. 

Many of us share the sadness of an empty nest and deal with lonliness at times.  I try staying active and socially involved, but to be honest I miss the days when my hubby was here and my children were at home.  What an awesome life and memories, which I am always grateful for having.

Have a great day ladies, and again thank you. 

[CareBears]

@gabstoomuch Thank you from the bottom of my heart, I had no idea that this was such a problem with today's society and that I am not alone.  When a friend of mine sent me the book "When parent's hurt", I knew there were others but I had no idea it was this large of a problem.  My mother was my best friend and I could not ever imagine hurting her like our daughter has hurt us, and what I find more disturbing is that we raised a daughter that turned out this way, we feel ashamed of ourselves for not realizing this sooner and for allowing it to happen for so many years!

I am off to create a Facebook page, I am sure I will be found and screamed at by some family member for "Stalking" but I can block them and better yet report them, I am not going to be the dismissive creature I once was and allow other people to dictate how I spend my time anymore, it is MY life, not theirs!

[CareBears]

@gabstoomuch I just finsihed setting up a Facebook account, my hands are shaking, the tears are flowing, and I am going to throw up, I think I set my privacy tabs so that only I can see my posts, I am just so afraid of  of what might happen if I am found?

[Vivian]

For many years, my younger daughter behaved similarly to the behavior described in the original post. There were many nights when I cried myself to sleep, she was THAT hurtful. It got to the point where, for the first time in my life, I sought help to deal with the problem. My husband and I were very fortunate that we found an excellent counselor. We described my daughter's behavior with detailed examples of things she said and did. The counselor gave us very specific advice on how to deal with the tirades, attacks, and generally hurtful behavior. The first thing he said to us, and it really stayed with me, was "You are not on trial. You don't have to defend yourself and create more opportunity for attack."

Miracle of miracles, all the advice that I wrote down, used, and eventually memorized, worked. I realized that I could not change my daughter's behavior but I could change my own behavior. The result was that I regained more control over our interactions. I stopped giving my daughter opportunities to be hurtful.

Fast forward to the present. My daughter will be 49 next week. It turns out that when she was at her worst, she was on medication that had significant psychological side effects. However, she has finally grown up and her moments of obnoxiousness have almost disappeared. Our relationship is as good as it's ever been but it was that great counselor who helped immeasurably.

[YorkieonmyPillow]

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@CareBears wrote:

@gabstoomuch I just finsihed setting up a Facebook account, my hands are shaking, the tears are flowing, and I am going to throw up, I think I set my privacy tabs so that only I can see my posts, I am just so afraid of  of what might happen if I am found?

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The entire world is on FB - you have just as much right to be there as anyone else. You aren't doing anything wrong.

You don't need anyone's permission to get on FB. You don't require anyone's approval for anything you choose to do......

[hckynut]

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@Calcgirl wrote:

 I was very emotional after the procedure and found out that is normal after heart procedures!  Interesting. 

Have a great day ladies, and again thank you. 

@Calcgirl

Glad to hear things went well for you, and it appears you feel better about your son.

I have been through 72 Cardiac Rehab Classes, 36 with each heart attack. They have several classes devoted to only the Psychological and emotional issues many have after very serious health issues. These are given both for the patient, and their care taker. They even have special evening classes for a spouse, or whomever is the care taker most effected by this issue.

Some patients like myself had heart attacks. Others heart issues were detected before they lost part of their heart muscle, no heart attack. They however had either a Stent Angioplasty or Bypass Surgery. Doesn't matter, in either case, emotional and Psychological issues can be a problem. 

For me personally, I did not have any of those issues. Probably partially because I am on very small dose psyche meds for my long ago diagnosed Anxiety/Panic Attacks and my bout with Clinical Depression. I also think my long term recoveries from so many serious physical injuries and surgeries, that had me more accustomed to better dealing with the Psychological issues inherent to many after serious injuries and/or health issues.

You sound much happier and emotionally in a much better place than when you started this thread, and I am happy for you.

No, I am not a lady, I am the other gender. On rare occasions in real life, I have even been referred to as a gentleman. Wishing you the best in all aspects of your recovery and relationship with you son and your daughter-in-law.

hckynut(john) 

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