Being Alone on the Holidays

Apple Head · ‎01-31-2015

I wanted to find out from others what you think or how you handle being alone at the holidays (or any other important day).

I am all alone. I have no family. I've spent my birthday, Thanksgiving, the holidays...etc. alone for the past 3 years.

What bothers me is that my friends are not alone. They have husbands or children and other relatives in their lives. I don't expect to be with them during the most precious family moments of the holidays, but my family always used to invite those they knew were alone over so they wouldn't be by themselves. If it didn't work out for the actual holiday, we would invite them over during the week between Christmas and New Year's for dinner or coffee and dessert, something!

We would always invite people who had nowhere to go or anyone to be with over for New Year's Day to watch football games and snack, etc.

Yet, I have friends who will e-mail me and wish me all the best, fully knowing I'm alone and then going on and on about their family plans. It hurts a little. It would be nice just once to be asked to join them for a small part of the season. I lost my whole family 3 years ago and recently a long time job due to layoffs. I feel more alone than I have my whole life. I'll be spending holidays alone and just praying for them to come and go fast, so the pain and loneliness comes and goes fast too.

I do visit a friend (who has sons living here) in a retirement home and greet other residents there. I've served meals at the Salvation Army, but I end up going home alone to an empty house.

Anyway, just wanted to share my feelings. I just wish people would be more sensitive to others when they know they are alone and have no one to share this season with. Isn't that what the holidays are about? Sometimes the true meaning gets lost in all the other activities.

Thanks for letting me express myself.

Another new name Sue · ‎03-11-2010

I'm deeply sorry for your terrible loneliness, especially at the holidays.

Your family was very kind to include others on the holidays. Extra people always add an extra and often welcome dimension to family events.

Regardless of your religious beliefs or lack thereof, would you consider joining a church? They have many activities you could participate in, womens' groups, etc. You might have to try a few churches before you find a fit. I think you desperately need to cultivate some relationships, and this could work. Also, volunteering can offer opportunities to meet people.

Heartfelt best wishes for better days ahead for you. Please, reach out.

Apple Head · ‎01-31-2015

@Another new name Sue wrote:
I'm deeply sorry for your terrible loneliness, especially at the holidays.

Your family was very kind to include others on the holidays. Extra people always add an extra and often welcome dimension to family events.

Regardless of your religious beliefs or lack thereof, would you consider joining a church? They have many activities you could participate in, womens' groups, etc. You might have to try a few churches before you find a fit. I think you desperately need to cultivate some relationships, and this could work. Also, volunteering can offer opportunities to meet people.

Heartfelt best wishes for better days ahead for you. Please, reach out.

Thank you. I've tried to talk to clergy but many won't make time for me, which shocked me. Some religious institutions require membership, which I cannot afford without a job right now.

I do have friends, but they don't reach out as I noted.

I appreciate your kind words and encouragement.

GingerPeach · ‎03-12-2010

Hugs to you, @Apple Head

As for me, these days I prefer being alone. Maybe this sounds crotchety, but on the occasions I was invited somewhere, I wished I had not gone. And as to celebrating on an exact day, that has never actually made me crazy. If something or someone is not available, or you have to change a day, then so be it. A lot of our holiday dates are all made up, anyway. (For example, I doubt the Pilgrims decided to celebrate Thanksgiving on the fourth Thursday of the month so future generations could have a four-day weekend. As the dowager Countess says, "What is a weekend?")

I hope you are not having any more issues with items being left by your gate.

[was Homegirl] Love to be home . . . thus the screen name. Joined 2003.

Apple Head · ‎01-31-2015

@GingerPeach wrote:
Hugs to you, @Apple Head

As for me, these days I prefer being alone. Maybe this sounds crotchety, but on the occasions I was invited somewhere, I wished I had not gone. And as to celebrating on an exact day, that has never actually made me crazy. If something or someone is not available, or you have to change a day, then so be it. A lot of our holiday dates are all made up, anyway. (For example, I doubt the Pilgrims decided to celebrate Thanksgiving on the fourth Thursday of the month so future generations could have a four-day weekend. As the dowager Countess says, "What is a weekend?")

I hope you are not having any more issues with items being left by your gate.

Homegirl, how nice of you to remember the poker chip and card issue. I had that happen twice, within 2 weeks apart. I decided to put some large rocks on the wall where this was occuring. On the rocks I wrote: W.W.J.D. in black marker. I just felt, if the person doing this saw this and has a conscience, maybe they would refrain. So far, some 3 weeks later, no additional items have been left there. It was my little "social experiment" to see if it would stop someone from trying to scare me.

So far, so good... hopefully for good!

Goldengate8361 · ‎01-27-2014

Apple - I am alone, too---for the most part (I will spend X-mas day with adult siblings). I'm single with no children and no friends other than my friends at work. Married people with families don't mean to be thoughtless but my observation is that they kind of are.....people get so wrapped up in their own lives, they get oblivious to others. It's really hard to be alone all of the time. I know that there are other people out there like you and me. I just wish we knew each other. I'd literally love to have you as a friend and share holidays, etc. People will tell you to do volunteer work, etc. but that can be really lonely, too. I don't mean to be a downer; it's just that I understand what real loneliness feels like and I, too, dread the holiday. I will be on vacation between X-mas and New Years and while I'm happy to have a break from work, I know I'll be lonely. Thank goodness for my cats!

hullie · ‎03-28-2010

Even though it probably won't ease that ache of being alone on such important family holidays you have company in your situation. I know exactly what you are feeling and this year I have made myself bring out all my decorations even though they will not be shared with dear ones. Please take solice in that we are all special even though we do not have loved ones to share these special times with any longer. The season does seem to further emphasize our loses. I am relieved after the first of the year too. We can have all the relationships in the world but I always feel left out this time of year. You are not alone in your feelings and i hope that makes you feel connected during this time of year.

Apple Head · ‎01-31-2015

@Goldengate8361 wrote:
Apple - I am alone, too---for the most part (I will spend X-mas day with adult siblings). I'm single with no children and no friends other than my friends at work. Married people with families don't mean to be thoughtless but my observation is that they kind of are.....people get so wrapped up in their own lives, they get oblivious to others. It's really hard to be alone all of the time. I know that there are other people out there like you and me. I just wish we knew each other. I'd literally love to have you as a friend and share holidays, etc. People will tell you to do volunteer work, etc. but that can be really lonely, too. I don't mean to be a downer; it's just that I understand what real loneliness feels like and I, too, dread the holiday. I will be on vacation between X-mas and New Years and while I'm happy to have a break from work, I know I'll be lonely. Thank goodness for my cats!

I too am a cat lover! I want to get a cat, but need to wait until I get another job in case of added expenses, etc.

I get by alone, as I'm sure you do. I make my own dinners, watch TV, read... I manage to "entertain" myself, but it's not having someone to talk to, to share thoughts with, is hard for me. I can call friends, but I always feel I'm bothering them in the evening when their family is together.

When I take a walk (I live in a warmer climate) on a holiday, I watch families visiting my neighbors. My neighbors are nice, but never invite me over. I'm a lot younger than most of them, maybe that is the reason. I know people don't mean it to be unkind, but it sometimes dumbfounds me that they aren't a bit more sensitive. I've been going to a grief group (I lost my father from cancer recently and my job) and it does help to share, but so few of those who attend are entirely alone. There just is something about family. Friends are wonderful, and if you have a friend you could call up and they would be there for you (like the girls in S#x and the City) that would be a blessing, but friends aren't family. They don't always have your back or are there in thick and thin.

I totally get what you mean about being alone sometimes is better. I've been in those situations too.

Thank you for your thoughts. I think it would be so neat if all of us who meet here who are alone lived close to each other. Imagine the wonderful friendships we would develop.

Apple Head · ‎01-31-2015

@hullie wrote:
Even though it probably won't ease that ache of being alone on such important family holidays you have company in your situation. I know exactly what you are feeling and this year I have made myself bring out all my decorations even though they will not be shared with dear ones. Please take solice in that we are all special even though we do not have loved ones to share these special times with any longer. The season does seem to further emphasize our loses. I am relieved after the first of the year too. We can have all the relationships in the world but I always feel left out this time of year. You are not alone in your feelings and i hope that makes you feel connected during this time of year.

Bless you hullie... your words are comforting. I feel exactly as you wrote. I'll be thinking of you too. We're not alone in thought!

Annabellethecat66 · ‎03-12-2010

Maybe I'm wrong but I think what you might be saying is that it would be nice to be invited to join others.

In our family I have two sisters who go to AA. I've never seen them drunk, but if they enjoy going and feel the need, good for them. Every family get together they always brought people from there who had no family members near. It was wonderful. My family is so outgoing you'd be like, is this for real, are these people really that fruit loopy? Ha!

Since my husband died (now 12 years ago) I don't have the big parties anymore (health reasons). I am often invited to different family member's houses for things. Just knowing I'm invited makes me feel good.

One of my daughters lives in Denver (unmarried) she's spending Christmas as she has since she moved out there with a guy friend (just friends) skiing. They rent a cabin, get a tree and so on. She stays there so she can be back at work for people who have families and want to take off. That works for me!!

My daughter who lives near me is married and has 4 children. She was very unhappy when my son-in-law's mother and father decided to take all of the family on a cruise through all of Christmas. But when you are married, you have to give and take. Works for me.

My middle daughter in Florida has 3 children (4-10).

We are all meeting around the 30th of December for a few days in Florida. We go to Florida a few times a year because my oldest daughter (42) hates cold weather. I usually go with her and visit with the one who lives there.

My girls are very thoughtful and kind. However, I understand they do have lives, children, husbands, etc. I know they love me and tell me that often.

I haven't been feeling well for a few months now, so I don't mind the quiet (I live alone). I do know I would be sad if I didn't have friends and family though. Just knowing I have a choice makes a lot of difference.

I think I understand what the OP is saying. I would say to the OP that it is up to her to make an effort to get to know others. You are right. She can meet people at church. Do some volunteer work. I have friends who are librarians, teachers, etc. They will tell you it is very easy volunteer even if you can do nothing but sit. Teach children how to read, or read to them. There are so many ways to meet other adults.

The wonderful thing is that you will meet people with the same ideas and ideals that you have.

Now, tomorrow. Call your local library and ask if they could recommend some places where you could volunteer. Call the local schools, ask them if they need some help.

No one is going to help you if you don't help yourself. You aren't alone, just look around.