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Frequent Contributor
Posts: 133
Registered: ‎05-28-2010

Re: Asking the mothers-in-law out there - What are the "rules"?

I have 1 daughter-in-law, 1 son-in-law and a former daughter-in-law.  I consider them all to be my children.  We have no problems and in fact my former daughter-in-law and I go out for dinner every week. I love them all.

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Posts: 1,113
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Asking the mothers-in-law out there - What are the "rules"?

I'm reading a good book at the moment called The Other Woman by Jane Green and the other woman is the MIL,lol!  It's a very good read so far.

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Posts: 2,572
Registered: ‎07-29-2012

Re: Asking the mothers-in-law out there - What are the "rules"?


@LilacTree wrote:

I'll tell you one thing an MIL should not say to a young 29 year old woman who lost her mother to lung cancer at the age of 49 just weeks after her death.  This MIL and my ex's entire family were strict Catholics whose lives revolved around the church. 

 

Her words were:

 

"Don't you think your mother's early death was God's punishment for her having lived a Godless life?"

 

I won't go into my reaction, but I was out of that apartment with my four babies (youngest only 7-8 months old) in under five minutes.

 

 

 

 

 

LilacTree, my husband is a devout Catholic, educated through college in Catholic institutions.  I asked him about your post.  He stressed this is in NO WAY a teaching.

 I believe this was a meanspirited, cruel,  non-Christian response by your MIL.  

 You didn't ask for my advice, but I am going to risk suggesting to you that it is absolutely essential for you to forgive her in your heart.  This does not absolve her of what she said - that is between her and her Maker.  But it will free you of the pain you felt over this.  

I will pray for you.

 


 

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Posts: 12,997
Registered: ‎03-25-2012

Re: Asking the mothers-in-law out there - What are the "rules"?


@gmkb wrote:

@LilacTree wrote:

I'll tell you one thing an MIL should not say to a young 29 year old woman who lost her mother to lung cancer at the age of 49 just weeks after her death.  This MIL and my ex's entire family were strict Catholics whose lives revolved around the church. 

 

Her words were:

 

"Don't you think your mother's early death was God's punishment for her having lived a Godless life?"

 

I won't go into my reaction, but I was out of that apartment with my four babies (youngest only 7-8 months old) in under five minutes.

 

 

 

 

 

LilacTree, my husband is a devout Catholic, educated through college in Catholic institutions.  I asked him about your post.  He stressed this is in NO WAY a teaching.

 I believe this was a meanspirited, cruel,  non-Christian response by your MIL.  

 You didn't ask for my advice, but I am going to risk suggesting to you that it is absolutely essential for you to forgive her in your heart.  This does not absolve her of what she said - that is between her and her Maker.  But it will free you of the pain you felt over this.  

I will pray for you.

 


There is so much more to this, but yes, that was the last straw.  My dear mother believed in God, she just did not go to church to worship.  When she found out she was ill, she and my father remarried in the church because they had not done so at their first marriage by a justice of the peace. 

 

The woman who said these words to me lived for the church, was ordained to administer communion, and never stopped making sarcastic remarks to me about my upbringing.  I'm surprised her son was allowed to marry me.

 

My mother died in 1967 at the age of 49 of lung cancer.  This woman died in 1977 at the age of 80 from pancreatic cancer.  Obviously God had nothing to do with cancer.  And if there is a God, I'm sure he would have nothing to do with "punishing" innocent people by giving them diseases.

 

I appreciate your prayers, but it's obvious I was never able to forgive her for what she said.  As I indicated, she was always criticizing my family, especially my sweet little mom.  That was just the final insult. 

 

However, I do thank you for your good intentions.

 


 

Formerly Ford1224
We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Elie Wiesel 1986
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Posts: 348
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

Re: Asking the mothers-in-law out there - What are the "rules"?

I have an only child, a daughter who married a couple of years ago. Both she and SIL are near 40, so they are mature and well established. Now I have a wonderful grand baby. My SIL has hurt my feelings numerous times, and we don't even see each other very much since they live several hours away. I have no idea why he behaves toward me the way he does. It has not been blatant behavior, but I get the message loud and clear he doesn't like me, or at the very best, doesn't want a relationship with me.  It breaks my heart because I have always wanted a close family. He has a huge close family and I guess he doesn't need me to be included.

 

I have worried and been upset a lot, but finally decided to accept the situation for what it is. I will visit my DD when he is gone, and will go out od my way not to be around him. I've never breathed a word of my thoughts to my DD because I don't want problems between us or between them. 

 

It it is just really unfortunate because he could NOT have a less intrusive MIL. I truly don't know what he is thinking. Very sad.

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Posts: 8,175
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Asking the mothers-in-law out there - What are the "rules"?

I'm so sorry to hear that, dimitra.  The situation with my mom and my sister-in-law is much the same, my mother has never done anything intentionally to offend her. I guess some personalities just don't mix.

 

I wonder if you should have a talk with son-in-law when DD is not around. Maybe getting it out in the open would help.  However, you are right not to say anything to your daughter.  It would be tragic to harm the relationship between the two of you.

~ house cat ~
los angeles, california
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Posts: 7,972
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Asking the mothers-in-law out there - What are the "rules"?

I have 2 WONDERFUL, OUTSTANDING DILs who meet my ONLY criteria for being honored and loved by me- they are both CRAZY about my sons!

 

Anything else is just froo-froo. As long as they are good to the boys, I'm a happy mama!

 

My own MIL was mentally ill, and despised me. We honored her and treated her well AND SUPPORTED HER as long as she lived, just because we thought we ought to do so. I have no regrets.......

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Posts: 348
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

Re: Asking the mothers-in-law out there - What are the "rules"?

Thanks, House_cat.

 

I have given the situation a LOT of thought and imagined a lot of different scenarios. I'm not a confrontational person (for good or bad) and just don't want to even try to make someone like me if they don't. I've even thought that possibly he doesn't dislike me, but rather just has no use for me, if that makes sense. I appear insignificant in his world. Since I first met him, if I added up all the time we've actually spent together, it has probably been less than two/three days. That's why I'm having a hard time understanding his attitude. Bottom line, if it doesn't bother DD, then that's the way it will be. 

 

Again, I've decided, for now, to just avoid being around him, which should be easy since I feel that is what he does about me.  Plus, it's not like I live down the street. 

 

Never had anyone react to me like he does. I wish I knew if my DD has picked up on the situation. I know she has witnessed a few instances, but I'm not so sure she was in such a fog....first planning a wedding, then having a baby,...that it's gone over her head. In any case, I DO NOT want any awkward feelings between us, so I will keep quite. 

 

Thanks for for letting me vent. I have been terribly upset about this, but finally have decided it is what it is, and I think I will feel better going forward. 

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Posts: 2,112
Registered: ‎12-08-2014

Re: Asking the mothers-in-law out there - What are the "rules"?

I have two girls, I'll never a woman's mil.  I do think it is easier to be a guy's mil.  But there can be problems, if you aren't very careful from the moment they couple gets serious about each other.  I had a wonder relationship with my own mil for the first 7 or 8 years of our marriage.  Things went down hill very, very quickly when I had a disagreement with her daughter, my sil.  When my relationship with my sil soured, my mil cut me off.  Apparently blood really is thicker than water....lol   She also cut her own son off because he had the nerve to support his wife and not his sister.  I think my motto as a mil is "Mind your own business!"  I stay out of their business, I do not take sides, I do not volunteer advice and I never criticize my sil or his parents.  Even when I have cause!  I developed the skill of smiling, even when it hurts...lol   I am just now warming up to my sil and he's comfortable around hubby and me now too.  I think after two years of marriage, he trusts us and he knows we aren't going to get between them.  That we respect  them as a couple. 

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Posts: 8,420
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Asking the mothers-in-law out there - What are the "rules"?

We have just 1 DIL.  I love her to death, but I do not always like her. (I'm sure she feels the same about me) She is the youngest (by many years) in a large, well-to-do family and was spoiled rotten. She is high maintenance.

 

One thing I vowed to do was never try to be a substitute mother. I will also never take sides when she and our son disagree.  I talk to her frequently and offer to help whenever I can.

 

I will always love her no matter what the future holds, as she is the mother of the world's greatest grandchildren.