Among Friends

[LADYSHOPSHOP]

Chicagosuburban...

Yes, when I see her I give her a hug but things are not the same.  I don't know if you saw my latest post.  I wrote about my sister who is combative with everyone...,well, that's her mother!

[ECBG]

Personally, this question doesn't have a "blanket answer"..  There are many reasons for behavior and there is also a history with every person you know.  In each situation, there are many factors to be weighed.  I never want to hurt anyone unknowingly.

[Pruett]

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@jubilant wrote:

If, after examining what I have said or done, I feel I need to apologize, I do apologize. If the other person would not except that apology, after I tried to set the record straight, then that is on them. 

 If I feel a grudge coming on, I get rid of it....fast as I can. Holding on to hurt and grudges never accomplishes anything.  It only keeps the hurt fresh in your mind and hurts you more.

 It's not good to keep holding on to grudges as it keeps your focus on your hurts and turns into self pity.  It's better to forgive and go on.  A lot also depends on whether or not it was intentional or how often this person disappoints or hurts you.  In cases where it happens often with the same person, I keep my distance. To me, that doesn't sound like the case here....unless, of course, this person does this time and again to you....which I didn't hear you say.

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Wonderful post @jubilant.

[AngelPuppy1]

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@Marp wrote:

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@AngelPuppy1 wrote:

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@chiclet 

I agree with so much of what you said.  I also agree that "I'm sorry" is thrown out there too much and in many instances is not meant at all, but is just a catch phrase.

If you do something on purpose and it is wrong and hurts someone, and then you get called on it, why would you apology?  You know your apology is meaningless. The other person knows it, too.  

If you do something wrong and or hurt someone in some way and truly did not mean it, or just failed to think something through before you did it or said whatever hurt someone, then-- yes, by all means --- apologize!  

I think I do give apologies easily when I know I am wrong and I am truly sorry.  And also if an apology is rendered to me and I feel it is heart-felt and genuine, then I readily accept it and move on.

I will recite an incident with a, what a thought was a very dear friend, she hurt me very badly by some things that she said and she knew that she did because I told her so.  I even asked her to stop what she was contining to say, and I even asked her to apologize--- giving her the chance to make amends. She refused.  This was 2 years ago.  I would have accepted her apology gladly and still to this day, if she contacted me in some way and told me that she was sorry, I would accept it easily and with an open heart.  

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I think a lot of the seemingly insincere I'm sorry statements might be the result of childhood conditioning.  How many times have you heard a parent tell their 2-year-old to say I'm sorry for something they did?  There is no way a 2-year-old can understand what truly being sorry is but they become conditioned to saying it.  The problem is exacerbated when the "offended" replies to the child with something like that's okay I know you didn't mean it.   The child learns to say I'm sorry by rote, is told that's okay, then the child goes  on without real consequence.

At the point where sorry is understood the automatic response is ingrained and even well into adult hood is seen as an easy out.

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@Marp 

Yes, I believe what you wrote is very true in many cases.  I think the simple phrase --- don't say it unless you mean it ---- is a good one.  

[chiclets]

Apologizes are similar to forgive and forget.

In either case one should move on.

You can not control how another will feel or think in any situation. There is a reaction to any action.

@chiclet    you have the option to really explain to your niece about your feelings which include her explanation and see if you can both accept each others position. Hurt is hurt, and it does not easily go away. You need to move on from what happened to what is going to happen in the future. Be truthful to yourself and who you are and be gentle to yourself.

[lovesrecess]

I don’t expect any apologies are forthcoming from any of those involved in the college scandal...it might make the outrage even worse since it is clear they are all just sorry they were exposed, to sorry for what they did. “Forgive and forget” won’t be easy for those who were turned down or missed a spot on a sports team that they rightfully deserved due to tpsomeone else cheating their way in.

[lovesrecess]

I’m sorry you were offended isn’t an apology...it just means they wanted to say whatever they wanted and you weren’t allowed to be offended

[lovesrecess]

I know how hard it is to carry hurt in your heart from someone who says hurtful things about you and doesn’t seem to care to make amends. Best to just let it go and move on. Cross this person off your list...you deserve much better.

[lovesrecess]

They say rejection is the most painful emotion a person can feel...and the hardest to forgive. Many of us know of a time we felt left out, overlooked, or pushed away by others....and we know how it felt....forgiving helps you...not the person who hurts you....take care of yourself by forgiving and moving on.

[willdob3]

@chiclet 

Forgiveness is for the benefit of the one doing the forgiving, not the one who did wrong. Not forgiving someone will eat away at a person so forgiving (this is not a suggestion to forgive and forget) others is important.