Anyone else have a husband who isn't social? - Page 3

Pinkandblue · ‎04-17-2010

@homedecor1 wrote:
@Pinkandblue

you've described my spouse & me to a tee! Wonder if they are related!

25 yrs ago I decided it was not going to change. I started making my own plans, etc. -- we moved here & it's worse...I need socialization & family so I travel home a lot. I travel alone and I absolutely enjoy it, go to events, etc. - when he comes with me I have a lousy time!

@homedecor1
Thank you for sharing. It's nice to hear the perspective of others. Really, thank you!

Pinkandblue · ‎04-17-2010

@jewel3 wrote:
Perhaps the most important thing is that you do not give up something important to you because your spouse does not want to participate.

If having people over is important to you, tell him you are going to have friends over and give him the opportunity to participate or not. Keep it low key and a short visit - a glass of wine before going to a movie then you leave with your friends or with him too if he chooses to go. Or an early casual supper with a neighbor then they go home because kids have to get to bed, etc

It it is not bad that he does not want to participate and no reflection on you or your friends. You just have to carry on and go to things without him. Lots of women are in your position. You might even meet another "social widow" who would be a great plus 1 for you.

He he may not understand you going and pout at first but he will see you happier and either choose to join you or accept this new normal. You just have to make sure he knows you would love for hm to participate but that it is ok if he does not. After awhile he will get used to the idea.

@jewel3

What wonderful suggestions and definitely lots of food for thought. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond.

jewel3 · ‎03-13-2010

You are welcome. Speaking from age and experience and wishing I had done it the way I suggest rather than letting him call the shots for both of us. Be brave. Good luck.

Pinkandblue · ‎04-17-2010

@NYC Susan wrote:
Talking to him is obviously good, but it depends on your intention. Trying to make him more social is unlikely to work. But I do think you need to talk to him about your need and your desire to have more socialization in your life.

Perhaps he would be willing to compromise and meet you halfway. Or maybe you'll need to participate in social activities on your own. If he's okay with that, it may be your best bet. And if he's not okay with that, then I would question why he's calling the shots for both of you.

@NYC Susan: What wise words that I need to consider and will. Thank you for responding. I feel like God has sent me such great perspectives...from total strangers who took the time to help another woman who asked for help.

Pinkandblue · ‎04-17-2010

@Kachina624 wrote:
@Pinkandblue If you want flowers, plant your own garden.

@Kachina624:

I love about what you said and what a few other responses have also mentioned. I have been focused on how I can get him back to his old (more) social self back during his previous career when he was more comfortable interacting with people. I shouldn't focus on trying to change him...I really should plant my own garden, not just mope and be lonely without doing anything to help myself. Thank you.

DiAnne · ‎09-22-2010

I have a friend whose second husband was like that (he passed away a few years ago). He was not interested in socializing, did not want to travel, etc. She wanted to travel, go to plays, the opera and she did with friends. She and I took 2 weeks and drove from San Diego to Victoria, BC. We had so much fun. We often went to the theater. She went on several trips sponsored by the San Diego Zoo - one to China and two to Africa. She traveled to Europe with a friend. Having been married before she decided even if she could get him to go he would just complain so much it would make her miserable.

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@makeupmama wrote:
@NYC Susan wrote:
Talking to him is obviously good, but it depends on your intention. Trying to make him more social is unlikely to work. But I do think you need to talk to him about your need and your desire to have more socialization in your life.

Perhaps he would be willing to compromise and meet you halfway. Or maybe you'll need to participate in social activities on your own. If he's okay with that, it may be your best bet. And if he's not okay with that, then I would question why he's calling the shots for both of you.

@NYC Susan: What wise words that I need to consider and will. Thank you for responding. I feel like God has sent me such great perspectives...from total strangers who took the time to help another woman who asked for help.

@Pinkandblue, sometimes it's easier to see the whole picture more clearly when we have a little bit of distance from the situation. I could see that you were focused on him, and not really taking care of your own, very valid needs.

I hope that speaking to him clears the air a bit. He may be relieved to know that you can have the socialization you want without him having to give up what he wants, too. Compromise and communication can be wonderful things!

You are getting some good advice from posters here. I hope you'll keep us updated. I have a feeling things will turn out just fine! :-)

qualitygal · ‎10-04-2010

He use to be quiet. He's now Chatty Cathy!!! LOL

chiclet · ‎03-19-2010

My husband is not social and when he tries it seems so forced and phoney. He is moody so if I made plans with another couple he might not even want to do it when the time arrived so I learned early on not to make plans. We have never had couple friends. I have friends that are usually single because married women usually want to do couple things. We are retired and I want to do stuff without him. We are together all the time so I would rather do things with a girlfriend and leave him home. My first husband was the extreme opposite and was the life of every party and wanted people around all the time which was too much. I just could not seem to find a happy medium.

bootsanne · ‎01-21-2011

I have the same situation but mine is worse because we also have a large age difference. His acquaintances and family are mostly all dead. He is totally dependent on me, which I don't like, as I'm a very independent person. Most of my attempts to socialize him. over the years have failed. He always finds faults but never looks at himself for the reasons behind these failures. So make your own friends and do things without him. I know whenever I make him do things he doesn't want to do, he drags me down. Mine will never change but I need to be around people. He doesn't like it when I go w/o him, but too bad. Life is short so enjoy it even if he wants to stay home.