Among Friends

[jeanlake]

Interesting question. Husband is an Extrovert / (Sanguine & Choleric if that temperament type makes sense to you) I'm the ambivert (one foot in extro-land and one foot in intro-land. But I get Re-charged in solitude) I tease husband tell him he loves "The Peoples." Just a trip to Home Depot or grocery store will lift his spirit on cold and dark weekends. Has to the the peoples! That's where he recharges. Two daughters are just like him. Son is like me -- probably more introverted. 

When our kids were younger we had a busy social life. Met in homes when little money for babysetter fees or entertainment was available. Active in church and kids' sports, even played co-ed sports with young adult friends. Traveled with friends to keep costs down and kids entertained. Now that we're pre-retirement, we've had a few weird social relationships and are more selective, as someone mentioned. Love my sis dearly, but she's a proud alpha female with negative energy. We aren't as social with her and husband (though he's easy to be around - my husband said 40 yrs is enough of my sis -- he's courteous, but doesn't like being around her) His sis is a control freak. We're close but no longer travel with her. It's like someone said -- time is precious.          

[Kachina624]

@Pinkandblue  If you want flowers, plant your own garden.

[Meowingkitty]

My husband is social when he needs to be. Usually work events but when it's just the two of us we both would rather be home doing the laundry than out at some party. Neither one of us are really all that social.

[Zhills]

He was not!  Thus the was!  Not is!

[ID2]

My dh is very social! At times almost too much. He's a very likeable guy, everyone seems to love him. Including me! 

[RedTop]

The situation is reversed in my house; husband is the social one, and I am not.  He loves to be on the go, loves to be in the middle of an event, visiting and talking with people.  I tell him all the time he's afraid he might miss something.   

I absolutely am not social person.   I creep outside my comfort zone to lunch occasionally with close friends, but I am not the girlfriend who wants to be a shopping buddy, or go to movies, or do an all girls weekend, etc.   Being in a group of people talking non-stop gives me a violent headache.   

I have always had my own interests, and much prefer to be alone.   I do not like to entertain, nor be entertained.   I've always been this way, and in 43 years of marriage it's never been a problem for us.   I stay home and do whatever I want, and he goes off to play cards with his group of friends, go to family get togethers, reunions, flea markets, etc.  

As my husbands health continues to decline, he is not able to go as much as before, but I want him to enjoy what he can, while he can.    

[ROMARY]

I'm not much of a social person at group events.  Maybe because I don't ask any questions. I do believe that asking people questions is a conversation starter.  Ask them about 'this and that'.  ............ But, we are very social regarding our neighbors/neighborhood.   Walking around, chatting with 'this person and that person'.  Takes a couple of hours by the time we're through chatting with everyone on a given day.  Everyone around here thinks we are so very social, lol. 

[homedecor1]

@Pinkandblue

you've described my spouse & me to a tee! Wonder if they are related!

25 yrs ago I decided it was not going to change. I started making my own plans, etc. -- we moved here & it's worse...I need socialization & family so I travel home a lot. I travel alone and I absolutely enjoy it, go to events, etc. - when he  comes with me I have a lousy time! 

[jewel3]

Perhaps the most important thing is that you do not give up something important to you because your spouse does not want to participate. 

If having people over is important to you, tell him you are going to have friends over and give him the opportunity to participate or not. Keep it low key and a short visit - a glass of wine before going to a movie then you leave with your friends or with him too if he chooses to go. Or an early casual supper with a neighbor then they go home because kids have to get to bed, etc

It it is not bad that he does not want to participate and no reflection on you or your friends. You just have to carry on and go to things without him. Lots of women are in your position. You might even meet another "social widow" who would be a great plus 1 for you. 

He he may not understand you going and pout at first but he will see you happier and either choose to join you or accept this new normal. You just have to make sure he knows you would love for hm to participate but that it is ok if he does not. After awhile he will get used to the idea. 

[NYC Susan]

---

@makeupmama wrote:

---

@fortune wrote:

@Pinkandblue

How long have you been married to him?  Is this a new behavior?  Was he like this before you married him?  Seems like you need to talk to him.  It's not fair that he is the one deciding on your social life.  In a marriage, both people should contribute to the happiness of the other--not just do only what THEY want to do.  Maybe it's time for marriage counseling!  Good luck and HUGS!!!

---

@fortune

We've been married for 17 years. He was very social when we were first married, when he was in a different career that lent itself naturally to a whole lot of social activities. It was great. About 7 years ago, he had a career change and had no interest in anything anymore.  I have talked to him, but it doesn't help. 

---

Talking to him is obviously good, but it depends on your intention.  Trying to make him more social is unlikely to work.  But I do think you need to talk to him about your need and your desire to have more socialization in your life.

Perhaps he would be willing to compromise and meet you halfway.  Or maybe you'll need to participate in social activities on your own.  If he's okay with that, it may be your best bet.  And if he's not okay with that, then I would question why he's calling the shots for both of you.