Among Friends

[BalletBabe]

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@Vivian  It sounds as if you've helped your mother a great deal over the years because she relies on you to be there.  That's a wonderful gift to her and has probably helped her anxiety level.  A couple of things that come to mind are to not shut your phone off but only answer it if it's your mother.  Could you then talk to her for a couple of seconds, tell her where you are and when you will call her back?  Also, could a psychiatrist come up with some type of medication that would help her anxiety and be okay for her age?  If so, that could make a big difference.

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That’s interesting what you said that about the meds.  My mom’s doctor prescribes Ativan, which you take as needed.  I asked her to talk to her doctor to put on a depression medication and she said those make her sick.  She also said asked the doctor if she was taking too much Ativan and he asked are you falling down the stairs?  I can’t believe that’s his litmus test.  Mom is very lonely and her best friend just died in her little town.

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@GSPgirl   I think the DR. may have asked her that because a lot of elderly do fall on anxiety or sleep meds.   I would definitly not recomend a Psychiatrist.   This is something her GP should be able to handle.   Anxiety is very common in elderly.  When my hubby got sick , his was awful and the Dr. put him on anxiety meds to take a few times a day.   It helped a lot.  THe problem with taking as needed is by the time you realize you need it , it takes forever to kick in.   Might be something to mention to her Dr.  

[Moonchilde]

There is only so much you can do about it, frankly. I had panic attacks in my 20s and 30s. Was medicated, did a lot of reading up and learned the non-medication things I could do to help myself. I pretty much “outgrew” full-blown attacks. My mother spent a fair amount of time poo-pooing the entire issue, “just snap out of it”, etc.

At about the time I conquered my issue, hers began. She had anxiety attacks ten times worse than I ever did. To hear her tell it, no one on the planet had ever suffered this horrible malady as badly as SHE did.  When I reminded her about my own issues and how she trash-talked my entire journey, she alternated between “this could NOT be the same thing!” and “I guess I should have been nicer to you.”

I lost track, and so did the rest of the family, of how many trips there were to the ER for symptoms that were almost always 100% anxiety or revenge. If she had a disagreement with someone she’d hyperventilate herself right into an ambulance and a week’s hospitalization.

The last two years before she went into a nursing home, they stopped admitting her when she did this and just sent her right back home. Her own doctor said he was fine with it. She had taken, or was taking, every heavy-duty anti-depressant and every anti-anxiety medication there was, so it’s not like she wasn’t medicated - the medication just didn’t work, any of it.

It stopped when she went into a nursing home. In a nursing home, the patients don’t call the shots like they can get away with living in the middle of family. She had to toe the line. She stopped worrying about everything. She had things she could do if she wanted to, people she could seek out to chat with if she wanted to. She wasn’t alone.

It’s possible that a basic medication might help, but also very possible it won’t help much. You can’t always fix it.  Sometimes, taking Family out of the day-to-day does best of all.

IMO there’s nothing to feel guilty about, whatever you decide to do.

[drizzellla]

I think the toughest thing to get used to - is it does not make any sense. This once bright and intelligent woman is doing things that don't make any sense.

I saw an MRI of an older person's brain. There were many gaps in the brain. I think as we age there is brain atrophy. And the once bright and intelligent woman is not firing on all cylinders. So it causes anxiety.

My Mom was in a nursing home. She really started acting off. She did not want me to have anything to do with her care. She insisted that she have the checkbook but refused to write a check for my Dad who was in the same nursing home. She never worked outside the home since my parents got married but she did not want any of their money to go toward my Dad's care. Their money was only for her. She would give the checkbook to a nurse's aide. Because she did not want me to touch it. Then a day later yell at me for not paying the ambulance. Being in the nursing home she had no access to a phone. So she insisted we keep her assisted living apartment because it had a phone. But she was not able to walk to her assisted living apartment.

She drove me crazy and my brothers wanted nothing to do with her. In fact one brother after he helped himself to their investment account, he did not see them for over 5 years. 

There was no reasoning with her. Her brain was not working right. So I knocked myself out trying to reason with her and it wasn't happening. I would get upset but I should have just let her go in her own little world. She was going to anyway.

[TX-starlight]

@LTT1 I urge you to read the book I mentioned. I wish I had read it sooner. I believe it will help you understand some thing going on with your husband, & how to cope. I believe depression/anxiety/dementia all have different effects on different people. I am beginning to see some anxiety issues with myself. I used to go anywhere, anytime, now I am starting to dread going anywhere there might be a crowd. 

[I am still oxox]

@LTT1

I feel you need to know this Ativan is not a migraine medicine it is an anti anxiety much like valium, very effective and somewhat addictive.

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wrote:
@GSPgirl
I took Ativan for years (migraine prevention) and I can tell you (and so can posters on the Internet) that is one of the TOUGHEST medications to kick because of bad side effects.
I hope your mom will have no problems.
I used to take 2 scripts for controlled substances and had no problems when the neurologist said no more. (10 years ago). But this stuff was the devil...no craving but just awful to cut it off. HTH

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[LTT1]

@TX-starlight wrote:

I urge you to read the book I mentioned. I wish I had read it sooner. I believe it will help you understand some thing going on with your husband, & how to cope. I believe depression/anxiety/dementia all have different effects on different people. I am beginning to see some anxiety issues with myself. I used to go anywhere, anytime, now I am starting to dread going anywhere there might be a crowd. 

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@TX-starlight Thank you I will go download it now! Just started and thank you again! Have found valuable information already!

[Moonchilde]

I find it interesting how many buy into the belief that literally every patient who has ever been on Valium or Ativan must be/must have been horrendously, just-like-heroin addicted, once you start taking it you can never stop, yadda yadda. People appear to seriously believe that’s true.

I took Valium until doctors refused to prescribe it - not refused me specifically, but it was another Big Brother Guvvamint better not catch you prescribing it Thing (you thought opioids were the only one?). I now have a Rx for Ativan, and OMG you would have thought I’d flat-out asked the doctor for legal smack. His reaction was stupid.

Maybe they need to cover this in medical school - not every.single.person who ever took a potentially addictive drug became instantly addicted and started asking for it by the case. SOME do, yeah. But not everyone.

I would take these pills maybe once every couple of weeks when I was still working, work always being 80% of my stress, life-long. Now I might take one every 6-8 weeks. I have never started taking it every day, multiple times a day, doubled up, etc, EVER. Because I’ve had no desire to. I took the medication so a momentary bad feeling would go away, not because I was looking for something to make me feel brilliant all the time, or expected the medication to be my joy juice. The effects of the medication typically wear off for me after 2-4 hrs.

[Vivian]

Lovestoteach, I read your reply and the concerns you expressed about your husband. My 95year old mother is a little forgetful but she does not have dementia. On the other hand, my 75-year old husband has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. 

A few years ago, I noticed that my husband repeated himself a great deal, making comments or asking the same question over and over, but he was unaware of the repetition. I got him to agree to see our family doctor, who is a gerontologist. She gave him a short cognitive test that showed some short term memory decline. She referred us to a neurologist who examined my husband in more detail. At that time, my husband was diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment, often the precursor to Alzheimer’s. He put my husband on Aricept in the hopes of slowing the decline.

My husband refused to accept that anything was wrong but he took the meds and we continued to see the neurologist. Fast forward to 2017, when I noticed that my husband’s short term memory was worsening. The neurologist said my husband now is in the early stages of Alzheimer’s, the disease that killed his grandmother at 63. I made sure we revised our wills, power-of-attorney, and living wills with an elder attorney. 

We are still living our lives with minor adjustments on my part. My husband is either oblivious, in denial, or both when it comes to accepting the diagnosis. That means I have to connive, even lie, to keep him safe. Looming over us is the driving issue. I will enlist the help of his doctors and my entire family on that one. I’ve been grateful that my husband has able to take care of me after my knee replacement surgery and subsequent intestinal infection. I hope these details help those who are suspicious of changes in loved ones. And I hope my predicament with my mother under these circumstances makes more sense.

[violann]

A mini nightmare/annoyance- our POA is NOT accepted in the bank because the language has changed, SO- when possible, check the status of the POA once a year when you do your taxes.

Ours was shot down by the language “and” “or” “co-“ because the language that was legal 4 years ago when the last POA was drafted is no longer acceptable.

ALSO,  be sure that the most recent POA is also the ONLY POA. 

In our case, there was a previous POA. That POA must be voided, in our case by presenting a death certificate of the previous executor. BE SURE YOU KNOW, EVEN IF, AS IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FOR US, RESEARCHING MAY BE PAINFUL.

It will now take precious time to free the funds we need to take care of our loved one. DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU.

[LTT1]

@Vivian

Thank you so much for your response!

I hesitate to intervene with my questions and asking you directly on the regular forum here because I know how covered up you are in your family’s health concern topped off with your own health issues.

please know that I admire you as such a strong, capable woman! I don’t know how you manage all of the juggling of responsibilities!

I sure do hope that you overcome the C DIFF sooner rather than later! And also, I hope that your TKR heals completely and that you find walking a breeze!💗💗💗