An Interesting Book About Marriage

PickyPicky3 · ‎10-22-2018

I listened to an hour-long interview with Eli Finkel, author of "The All-or-Nothing Marriage" on NPR's Hidden Brain today. So much new information -- I stayed in my car to finish listening.

The book covers the history of marriage, the status of marriage today and advice on making a marriage work. Sounds like the same old, same old, but it's all research-based, and it gave me some new perspectives -- especially about changing expectations of what makes a marriage satisfactory.

Given how many people here express concerns about their children's relationships, it may be worth the investment of time to read the book, listen to the interview, or add the book to a gift closet in case it might be needed down the road.

Tinkrbl44 · ‎08-23-2010

@PickyPicky3

What was the most interesting point?

I remember years ago talking to a couple that had one of the best marriages I'd ever seen. The wife confided in us that he was not really a romantic guy.

In fact, when he proposed, his basic selling point was "You make the babies, and I'll make the money".

He felt that pretty much covered the important points ... and she said yes! LOL

PickyPicky3 · ‎10-22-2018

@Tinkrbl44 I found two things interesting. One is that there are too many expectations in marriages today. Needs that were once met through other kinds of social relationships are now expected through marriage. It may be necessary to dial back some of them.

The other is that young people today seek a marital relationship that permits individual growth of both partners -- emotional, intellectual, professional, spiritual, etc. Romance and companionship are no longer enough.

The marriage that you described was typical three or four generations back according to Finkel.

Certainly lots of room for discussion.

occasionalrain · ‎03-10-2010

Watching House Hunters, none of the couples want the same style or location of their house. Obviously, the show chooses that sort of home buyers, but even so, if two people don't even agree on a house they seem incompatable to me. We have to compromise on a lot outside of our marriage, I wasn't going to have a marriage of compromise. At one time I was employed by a man whose older brother was retired and traveled throughout the world alone because his wife didn't like to travel. That's not a marriage.

Tinkrbl44 · ‎08-23-2010

@occasionalrain wrote:
Watching House Hunters, none of the couples want the same style or location of their house. Obviously, the show chooses that sort of home buyers, but even so, if two people don't even agree on a house they seem incompatable to me. We have to compromise on a lot outside of our marriage, I wasn't going to have a marriage of compromise. At one time I was employed by a man whose older brother was retired and traveled throughout the world alone because his wife didn't like to travel. That's not a marriage.

@occasionalrain

Well, maybe is was a marriage .... because it worked for them. He got to travel all he wanted, and she didn't have to.

Depends on what your idea of a good marriage is ... IMO.

Tinkrbl44 · ‎08-23-2010

@PickyPicky3 wrote:
@Tinkrbl44 I found two things interesting. One is that there are too many expectations in marriages today. Needs that were once met through other kinds of social relationships are now expected through marriage. It may be necessary to dial back some of them.

The other is that young people today seek a marital relationship that permits individual growth of both partners -- emotional, intellectual, professional, spiritual, etc. Romance and companionship are no longer enough.

The marriage that you described was typical three or four generations back according to Finkel.

Certainly lots of room for discussion.

@PickyPicky3

Years ago an engaged couple I knew well went for pre-marital counselling because of that. She thought they had too many differing opinions ... He thought having differences of opinions was good ... intellectually stimulating.

The counsellor sent them home that week with something to give thought to: "If two people agree on absolutely everything, then one of them is unnecessary".

Ultimately, they both married other people.

proudlyfromNJ · ‎05-01-2010

@occasionalrain wrote:
Watching House Hunters, none of the couples want the same style or location of their house. Obviously, the show chooses that sort of home buyers, but even so, if two people don't even agree on a house they seem incompatable to me. We have to compromise on a lot outside of our marriage, I wasn't going to have a marriage of compromise. At one time I was employed by a man whose older brother was retired and traveled throughout the world alone because his wife didn't like to travel. That's not a marriage.

@occasionalrain House Hunters is a scripted show. They have already purchased their home and just make things up as they view the other homes. I used to be on that message board years ago and many of the couples on the show posted and told how the show works.

chiclet · ‎03-19-2010

I have, after failed marriages have come to believe that marriage is a just a partnership and it works when people are getting what they need from it, whatever that might be. Some need love,romance, security, stability. excitement, someone to take care of them and on and on. Unless you are very fortunate you won't get all of that from one person. You have to pick the most important things and non negotiables. The problem is that it is so hard to have a serious conversation when you are in that in love stage and your brain just won't let you see what everyone else sees. Also the age you enter this partnership can determine the outcome. I think as you get older your expectations are more realistic. If I have learned anything it is that you cannot get everything you need from one person so if you expect that you are doomed. If I could take my exes and blend them together I would have the perfect partner. My husband now and I married in our 40s and been married for 31 years. He said the other day that he wishes we did not waste all that time and got together when we were young. I did not say anything because now I think of the fun and laughs my first husband and I had with friends and family and the children, the madly in love feeling and showering of gifts with second husband and the great s..x and physical attraction with the third one. The bad parts outweighed the good so they did not last but at least I experienced the good parts with them because I definitely have not had those things with this partner.

SoCal Bred · ‎05-04-2020

A friend of mine once told me, a marriage is like suits in a deck of cards - You start off with diamonds and hearts and end up with a club and a spade.