Among Friends Grief Support Group - Page 15

catwhisperer · ‎07-11-2010

This has truly been a day from hell. I have been making phone calls since 6:30 this morning to back east trying to deal with business. It's now ten hours later and I am exhausted.

I promise to remind myself every day that I am strong, courageous, and resilient.

september · ‎03-09-2010

@catwhisperer I’m sorry you had such a bad day, but not at all surprised. It’s challenging to take care of all the legalities after a death. In my case, the problems started with the mortuary making an error on my husband’s death certificate, which meant starting all over with that (including having to go back to his doctor for another signature).

So I got a late start with everything, in spite of thinking I had done well with getting legal issues taken care of in advance.

catwhisperer · ‎07-11-2010

@september ....OMG, I went through hell yesterday with my mortuary making mistakes on the burial authorization. They made other mistakes as well. I got very angry and chewed that gal out big time over the phone. I'm going to file a complaint against her and the mortuary.

I promise to remind myself every day that I am strong, courageous, and resilient.

sashamatthews · ‎03-10-2010

My father died last month. Our relationship was more employer-employee (I worked for him for over 40 years) than father-daughter. At 93, he was still coming into work six days each week, but in retrospect he had been failing for about six months - dementia taking hold and then he had a pacemaker implanted on March 26, and he was never the same. His passing was a relief for me: I never knew what was going to happen from day to day. Sometimes I couldn't even find him. Plus I now have so many obligations (only child) running the business, overseeing the houses, settling the estate, you name it. I never cried and that worked for me. Perhaps that seems heartless but it has been a long haul all these years.

Anonymous032819 · ‎03-29-2019

@sashamatthews wrote:
My father died last month. Our relationship was more employer-employee (I worked for him for over 40 years) than father-daughter. At 93, he was still coming into work six days each week, but in retrospect he had been failing for about six months - dementia taking hold and then he had a pacemaker implanted on March 26, and he was never the same. His passing was a relief for me: I never knew what was going to happen from day to day. Sometimes I couldn't even find him. Plus I now have so many obligations (only child) running the business, overseeing the houses, settling the estate, you name it. I never cried and that worked for me. Perhaps that seems heartless but it has been a long haul all these years.

You have to do what's best for you.

As for me, after I cried long and hard, I threw myself in to my job.

I would pick up any and all overtime, and just work myself to exhaustion.

The Sky looks different when you have someone you love up there.

Anonymous032819 · ‎03-29-2019

I have been taking care of my dad ever since my mom passed in 2000.

At first, he was fine.

But as he go older, I started to see signs that his memory was slipping.

I started to take on more and more responsibilities, such as making doctors appointments, taking him grocery shopping, etc.

Many times when he was still alive, I cried for him.

It was always my fear for my whole entire life, ever since I was a child, that my dad would develop the same disease that claimed his father.

In fact, there were nights through out all of those years, that I would cry myself to sleep with fear and worry.

I guess you could say that I was mourning him long before his actual death.

I did the best that I could for him.

When I saw that he could no longer take care of his house where he was isolated, I orchestrated the sale, and cleaning out of the house.

I got him moved in to my apartment complex, but he still had his own apartment.

That way, he still had independence, but I could keep an eye on him.

Then when my ( now former) landlords just up and told me to leave, even though I had been there for over two decades (I'd rather not get in to it. They were kicking out quite a few long-term tenants ) I took my dad with me, because of two reasons.

One was, I didn't want him to be confused as to why some stranger was living in "my" apartment.

And two, he had a cat that was his life.

There was a "no pet" clause in the lease.

I was afraid that they would kick him out too for having a cat.

I was afraid that they would say, "Either get rid of the cat, or we'll get rid of it for you, or leave."

If they took his cat Christie, or if he had to give her up, it would have killed him, literally.

I couldn't take that chance.

So, I found a place where Dad and I could both live, that accepted cats.

Then he quickly went downhill from there.

At the end, he was combative, which he never was when he was healthy.

I had no choice but to find a facility that would care for him.

I still feel guilt over placing him in a home.

Did he think that I no longer wanted him, or loved him?

I did get a chance to see him a few days before he passed. (He was placed in a home that was out of the area).

I told him that it was okay for him to go. I told him that I would always love and miss him, but that I would be okay, which is true.

I think that even though he didn't know who I was at that point, somewhere deep inside, he needed to hear that.

Four days later, he was gone.

Anyway, I didn't mean to ramble.

That's just my story of loosing the best man that I have ever known.

The Sky looks different when you have someone you love up there.

september · ‎03-09-2010

@catwhisperer wrote:
@september ....OMG, I went through hell yesterday with my mortuary making mistakes on the burial authorization. They made other mistakes as well. I got very angry and chewed that gal out big time over the phone. I'm going to file a complaint against her and the mortuary.

@catwhisperer Makes me think we had the same funeral director?! In addition to the death certificate mistake, she made two other mistakes, and was calling my daughter with her questions, instead of calling me.

It’s just awful to be going through such an emotional experience, and to have the person who should be most on your side, making life even more miserable.

I did file complaints about her to the mortuary management. I got refunds on some of my fees, and they made a donation to the charity mentioned in the obit.

To make matters worse...I had made all of my husbands final arrangements almost a year in advance (and paid) in order to have less stress when the time came. That didn’t happen!

september · ‎03-09-2010

@Anonymous032819 I don’t think you, or anyone, should ever feel guilty for making arrangements for a family member to be placed in assisted living. Sometimes, this is what is best for both the caregiver, as well as the affected family member.

In a very short period of time, this happened with my husband as well as both of my parents. Everyone adjusted after the initial big change. My husband and dad have since passed away, and my mom is doing well. I think she likes having the female companionship where she lives. And for the most part...women greatly outnumber the men in assisted living

catwhisperer · ‎07-11-2010

One of my cats keeps going into DH's bedroom and just sits there. He looks at me like, where is Daddy? It breaks my heart into a million pieces.

I promise to remind myself every day that I am strong, courageous, and resilient.

september · ‎03-09-2010

@catwhisperer wrote:
One of my cats keeps going into DH's bedroom and just sits there. He looks at me like, where is Daddy? It breaks my heart into a million pieces.

How I wonder what they think, when a family member is no longer there? Give kitty extra hugs...like us humans, it will take some time to get through this.