Among Friends

[alliswell]

"Grief cannot simply be shown the door or papered over with platitudes. Unless you allow it to cycle through you fully, it will demolish every rickety structure you erect to withstand it. Consider it the cover charge for being admitted to life's thousand-ringed circus.

Elizabeth Gilbert stated it powerfully: “Grief… happens upon you, it’s bigger than you. There is a humility that you have to step into, where you surrender to being moved through the landscape of grief by grief itself.

And it has its own timeframe, it has its own itinerary with you, it has its own power over you, and it will come when it comes. And when it comes, it’s a bow-down. It’s a carve-out. And it comes when it wants to, and it carves you out — it comes in the middle of the night, comes in the middle of the day, comes in the middle of a meeting, comes in the middle of a meal. It arrives — it’s this tremendously forceful arrival and it cannot be resisted without you suffering more… The posture that you take is you hit your knees in absolute humility and you let it rock you until it is done with you. And it will be done with you, eventually. And when it is done, it will leave. But to stiffen, to resist, and to fight it is to hurt yourself.”  By Burt Kempner

[Greeneyedlady21]

@alliswell That is so powerful, and absolutely true. I just wish more people understood that. We don't talk about death or grief in any meaningful way. It's platitudes and denials.

[Snoopp]

@september So sorry.  May I ask did you get any counseling during the illness?  Sometimes I think it might be helpful, othertimes not.  Guess I'm on the fence about it, but it's a strange situation when dealing with a long term terminal illness.  

[halfpint1]

My husband would go back to visit his nieces and nephews in Minnesota every few years and his sister who I don't know if his sister is still living since she was older by a few years. I never heard from them about his death. I told her about him when it happened. Even if they hardly know me since we lived in California. But they saw me a few times.

[Sadiesadie]

@alliswell: That is beautiful. I try to communicate that very thing but doesn’t come out as beautifully.

I was widowed at 25 4 months after we lost our newborn.

I was the walking wounded, shattered but I recognized later when looking back that I healed better for being rocked by it. I was embarrassed for quite a while that my grief seemed “unseemly” but I knew no one else in my situation to talk to. I couldn't push the grief away or down no matter how much I tried. It was all consuming. And no one else understood it.

I realized much later and in hindsight that I had been better off for my intense process. 

2 1/2 years later I was in the emotional position to meet my wonderful, loving husband. Never believed there would be any kind of life for me again. And we sit here 45 years later with 2 beautiful daughter and 3 absolutely perfect grandchildren. 

We have a neighbor who lost his wife of 60 years earlier this year and he is grieving deeply. I will print this out to give him to read.

He has well meaning people around him telling him to get on with his life. I keep telling him he will know when the time is right. Might be a few years...they were high school sweethearts. That' a huge loss to the heart.

[DrakesMomma]

@geezerette - How is your young sweet friend? I've been thinking of her. 

[geezerette]

@DrakesMomma

How kind of you.

I’m afraid her mother passed on last week, just before Thanksgiving. It had been expected for a while; in fact, she hung on a lot longer than even the hospice nurses thought she would.  My friend is just devastated, nonetheless.  She barely made it through all the services.  I wasn’t quite sure what I could do for her above what her own family was doing.  But I guess just being at her side helped.  She just clung to me and wouldn’t let me go.  She sobbed in my arms, “Please don’t ever leave me!”, which was heartbreaking.  (My husband, who passed earlier this year, was like another father to her, and now her own mother.)  It was pretty difficult for a while.  

One small bright spot was that in the last few days, her stepfather seemed to soften and let her stay with her mother and help plan the funeral.  That helped my friend a lot.  I told her afterwards that I think her mother hung on purposely to bring the two together finally.  She’s doing a little better now.  She and her husband are taking a few days vacation, so hopefully that will help.

Again, thank you for your concern.  🙏🕊

[DrakesMomma]

@geezerette - I'm not sure why but she has been heavy on my mind. 

[geezerette]

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@DrakesMomma wrote:

@geezerette - I'm not sure why but she has been heavy on my mind. 

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@DrakesMomma

Perhaps she or her situation is familiar to you in some way.  I do appreciate your concern.  She’ll be better with time.  As all of us who deal with grief.  I don’t think the hurt ever goes away, you just learn to function around it.  At least that’s been my experience so far.

Thank you for being such a kind and caring person, @DrakesMomma.

🙏🕊💕