Among Friends

[geezerette]

@Laura14

And that is why grief is different for everyone.  I was just the opposite. Because when my husband died, I wanted everything to stay the same.  I didn’t want even a dirty tissue removed from its last resting place.  But after the first few weeks, when people would come to visit, I started thinking that they might be uncomfortable with his personal belongings still sitting around.  So I began to remove them from the more visited areas of the house.  A few things at a time, and they didn’t get tossed out, just moved to a room that no one but me would see.  Little by little I was able to get rid of some of his things.  Because as much as I wanted it not to, the practical aspect of life began to take over and things were not going to stay the same.

There are no rules to this, nor time limits.  I find these threads very helpful.  There is always someone who has gone through the same thing I have, or feels the same way.  A couple of posts from @Greeneyedlady21‘s first thread on this subject touched me deeply and helped me a lot.  You never know where you’ll find a tidbit that hits home and makes you think, and may even help you out of a bad place.  The anonymity of this forum allows people to post things they might not otherwise share with people on a face-to-face basis.

I can’t really say this whole thing is getting “better”.  More tolerable, though.  And I guess that’s all I can expect.

🕊🙏

[Misplaced Parisian]

@cactusgal May I just say that I do not care for The New Normal as it makes my heart ache?  Love the name of the support group.  Smiles.

[Laura14]

@geezerette  Grief is very personal.  Whatever works for you is the right thing to do. 

I honestly was surprised when I put something out of sight probably just out of frustration or anger that it made me feel better.  It gave me a few seconds of peace before I remembered it was put away and that lessened it a bit for me. 

[Greeneyedlady21]

@DrakesMomma Both of my brothers are narcissists. I don't just believe this, I know it. So I feel your pain about dealing with that, believe me. I could post things about them, things they said and did when our Mother had cancer and after she died. Even the very day she died. Things that people would think were exaggerated or fictional. But they are completely true, unfortunately. None of their behavior was due to grief, they were like this long before that.

[geezerette]

---

@Laura14 wrote:

@geezerette  Grief is very personal.  Whatever works for you is the right thing to do. 

I honestly was surprised when I put something out of sight probably just out of frustration or anger that it made me feel better.  It gave me a few seconds of peace before I remembered it was put away and that lessened it a bit for me. 

---

@Laura14

Exactly.  I felt when I removed things, I was erasing my husband from my life.  The exact thing I did not want to do at that time.  I actually posted something to this affect on the Widows thread, and everyone said he would always live on in my heart.  At the time, I couldn’t relate to that at all.  With time, I know what they meant.  I don’t believe that time heals all wounds, I think you just learn to live with the pain.

🕊🙏

[KLm]

I've said for years that grief is like being inside a long, dark hallway with barriers: at first the doors are very heavy, hard to push open, but you have to do it. The next set of doors are still heavy but somewhat easier to push open. As you progress through the doors they eventually become lighter, until they are curtains, then sheers, and then you are through. That if you stop somewhere along the way because the doors are too heavy to open, you will be stuck there, always grieving. And even once you are out of the hallway, the loss is just something you live with and carry with you always. Like a shadow that has become a companion.

[DrakesMomma]

@Greeneyedlady21 - I believe you.  I believe every word.  My sister blamed me for the medical people talking to me instead of her.  When in reality they were speaking to both of us.  If I only had to deal with my nephew's death, I would be better than what I am.  I don't know why I thought she would be different but I did.  In the last 3 years she had only seen him for about 10 minutes.  That's because he stopped at her house to ask for my phone number. 

I'm gonna be alright.  I promised my nephew before I left him for the final time that I will not fail him.  I will continue to love him.  I will say his name every chance I get.  I will love his daughter.  I have kept every promise I ever made to him.  I will not fail.   

[geezerette]

@Greeneyedlady21

@DrakesMomma

I have a young friend whose mother is dying.  Her husband and his children are some really horrible people.  That’s all I will say.  But this poor girl is not only having to deal with her mother’s passing in the next day or two, but the obstruction and harassment from her stepfather and step siblings.  And yes, like you say, @Greeneyedlady21, it has nothing to do with grief since they’ve all always been like that.  It’s heartbreaking.

🕊🙏

[DrakesMomma]

@geezerette - my heart hurts for your young friend.  I just said a prayer for her. 

[geezerette]

@DrakesMomma

Thank you so much.  That is so kind of you. ❤️ She is a great believer, which is helping to get her through all this right now.  I will tell her you remembered her; she will be touched.

🕊🙏