Among Friends

[hyacinth003]

I know a couple that due to male infertility got the opportunity to adopt 2 children (girls) while they were babies.  They went through the pregnancies and births of their adopted daughters.  They seem like very loving parents.

However, they have not given up their quest for a biological child.  She has had one failed attempt at IVF.  She became pregnant bu lost the first one.  She has a few more embryos left and is going to continue to attempt to become pregnant.  It is an extremely difficult experience to go through.  It requires much testing, hormonal manipulation, and lots of monitoring during the attempt at a viable pregnancy.

I have only had a biological child, and do not think I would do IVF.  Since I did have struggles, I did have to think about how far I would go.

As their daughters get older, I would be concerned that they would feel the biological child was perhaps more important and special to the parent.  Despite their assurances that is NOT how it woule be, I can't shake that feeling.

Anyone have thoughts on this?

Hyacinth

[blackhole99]

My relatives adopted a baby as an infant and then had a biological child 5 years later. I don't think their child would have minded that he was adopted if they had told him right out of the gate. They finally had to tell him what was up when he turned 12 and wanted to know why he didn't look like anyone in the family and asked if he was adopted. Well you can imagine what a mess that situation was. My cousin had a hard time accepting that his parents were not up front with him and acted out all through his teens. He made it through life ok, but was never close to anyone in our family again. He is not close to the biological brother as an adult, but to my knowledge they did get along when they lived at home. My uncle and aunt were very good parents to both kids and did not favor one over the other. Actually, their biological son does not look like anyone in our family either.

[CelticCrafter]

I have a cousin that was adopted as an infant, he's 20 now.

Up until about 5 years ago, he hadn't been told.  I don't know if that's changed now.  

I don't agree with not telling.

[Q-Anu]

While I wouldn't judge anyone for their decisions, my husband and  I did discuss this during our engagement. We had agreed that if we weren't naturally blessed with children, we would adopt rather than undergo IVF. There are so many children awaiting adoption. We have our two and have left it there for now. We are godparents and help to care for my widowed SIL's two young boys, too. 

I do know of a couple who believed they were infertile (testing error) who adopted a child, then later gave birth naturally with no IVF. If they love their bio-child more than the adopted one, I couldn't begin to say. They show no difference between the two in company of us, and both girls seem happy and well-balanced. I would hate to think their older adopted daughter feels somehow less than, but we never really know someone's inner heart unless they share it. She's only 9-years old and her sister is 4. 

The adopted girl was told that she was especially chosen to be their daughter. Which I do agree with. The adopted child should be lovingly told when they are old enough to understand. 

[ALRATIBA]

My thoughts .... totally opposed to IVF for religous reasons. 

Unless you can get inside the minds of your friends ... I really don't think you should speculate on something that may or may not occur at some point in the future.

[Shanus]

Each family is different and children, as they grow into adulthood, are different. We adopted our son when he was 4 days old. Before I could get the hang of caring for an infant....pregnant! My kids are a year apart...boy and a girl. 

It’s up to the parents to create a feeling that everyone’s treated the same way. If any doubts about raising an adopted child or what you’d feel if you also had a biological child...don’t adopt. It’s not right for you. 

We were thoroughly screened for months....forms, interviews, what ifs, etc.

When I’d took both children out, I met someone I had not seen for awhile and they asked, “Now, let’s see, which child is the adopted one?” I answered, “You know, I can never remember.”

They are 46 and 45 now and live on opposite coasts w/ their families, but remain close...keep in touch by text, email, FB and phone calls. 

[151949]

I had 2 tubal pregnancies. At that time - early 70's there were very limited options and they were extremely expensive and experimental. By the time IVF was readily  available I had already been thru chemo for breast cancer and I was afraid to let them mess around with my hormones. DH was against adoption, so we never had any children.

[Carmie]

I have a friend who was married for 11 years and couldn't get pregnant.  She and her DH tried IVF twice with her husband's sperm and her eggs.

On the second try, she conceived twin girls.  I had to laugh when after she gave birth she made him have a vasectomy.

My Aunt adopted two children way back in the 60's.  She is Italian as is her husband.  They used to try to match up children with parents who looked alike....same nationally, etc.

My Aunt received a call one day that a boy was available for adoption.  He was supposed to go to another couple, but they got pregnant while waiting and declined adopting. My aunt took him...he had blue eyes and very white blond hair.

Three years later, they adopted an Italian baby girl.  Both children were told they were adopted before they even knew what that meant.  They both are grown up, with kids of their own and they are part of our family.  We all love them.

My husband worked with a guy who never knew he and his biological sister were adopted until both of their parents were dead. Image finding out something like that in your early 50's while going through paperwork.  He also found out he has other siblings.

Having children naturally, by adoption or by " test tube" is a personal decision that is unique to each couple or person.  I truly believe that a child does not have to be biological yours to be loved.  

There are many, many blended families today.  All is good when children are wanted and loved.

If a family wants a biological child for some reason, that is their business.  They gotta do what they are compelled to do.  It might end up being a heartbreaking for them, even after many attempts.

[sunshine45]

i think it is a highly personal family decision. i believe the family does what is right for the family. no one could really say if it is right or wrong. ivf isnt easy, adoption isnt easy, dealinb with infertility isnt easy.

you may want to read the book by kerstin lindquist. “5 Months Apart: A Story of Infertility, Faith and Grace” 

"Daughter Grace was adopted seven years ago, and then, five months later, Georgia became part of the family the old fashioned way. The newest family member, Ben, was adopted and still wears diapers."

http://www.dailylocal.com/article/DL/20170510/NEWS/170519978

[roxxy1]

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@Shanus wrote:

Each family is different and children, as they grow into adulthood, are different. We adopted our son when he was 4 days old. Before I could get the hang of caring for an infant....pregnant! My kids are a year apart...boy and a girl. 

It’s up to the parents to create a feeling that everyone’s treated the same way. If any doubts about raising an adopted child or what you’d feel if you also had a biological child...don’t adopt. It’s not right for you. 

We were thoroughly screened for months....forms, interviews, what ifs, etc.

When I’d took both children out, I met someone I had not seen for awhile and they asked, “Now, let’s see, which child is the adopted one?” I answered, “You know, I can never remember.”

They are 46 and 45 now and live on opposite coasts w/ their families, but remain close...keep in touch by text, email, FB and phone calls. 

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@Shanus  Good answer, You know, I can never remember.

Nice post........heartwarming