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Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,875
Registered: ‎04-27-2015

Re: A friend came to me with suspicions that her husband of 38 years is in a relationship with someo


@jeanlake wrote:

@panda1234 Thank you for your kind words. I'm a trained mediator with conflict mgmt degree. It is so difficult when our hearts are breaking or we are focused on fear of betrayal to focus and make logical decisions. Almost impossible sometimes. I will say most of my friends have a Plan B that includes life without our partners; whether break up or death. Of course we don't dwell on any of this and it doesn't minimize grief, but it does aid in survival. Take care and stay safe   


@jeanlake  you are very good at what you do. I passed along your post to my friend and it gave her some food for thought. Thank you.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 11,775
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

Re: A friend came to me with suspicions that her husband of 38 years is in a relationship with someo

It may be too late for your friend,but a cast iron pre-nup is ALWAYS a good idea.

And don't tell me about romance and how much you are in love. I'm sure your friend and her spouse were really in love.

When I lose the TV controller, it's always in some remote destination.
Valued Contributor
Posts: 648
Registered: ‎03-04-2017

Re: A friend came to me with suspicions that her husband of 38 years is in a relationship with someo

This is sad to hear. It could be nothing or it could be something. I think all the advice given here is awesome. She needs to get her finances in order right away without spooking him.

 

There are some tracking apps that she can put on his phone and that way she can track him wherever he goes. He doesnt have to know. Parents use this for their kids too. Theres also something she can do to place on his computer but she may need to hire someone to do that. So, many ways to get smart and get ahead of this.

 

Please keep us posted. 

~No act of kindness, no matter how small is ever wasted~ Aesop
Honored Contributor
Posts: 11,979
Registered: ‎05-18-2017

Re: A friend came to me with suspicions that her husband of 38 years is in a relationship with someo

@panda1234  - Before anything, she needs to get finances in order.  Open a separate account if she doesn't already have one.   She needs to get a copy of her credit report.  She can get a free tri-merged credit report online (google) or get one each individually from the 3 reporting agencies.  It is probably easier to read getting a separate one from each of the agencies. 

 

TransUnion.com

Equifax.com

Experian.com

 

As others have stated, she needs to think logically instead of emotionally.

 

I also think you should continue to be there for your friend.  Think about if you were in that situation and your friend "didn't want to get involved" like other posters are advising.  She needs you now more than ever.  Hope you give us updates on how your friend is doing.

 

 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,843
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: A friend came to me with suspicions that her husband of 38 years is in a relationship with someo

Did she ask for your opinion or your support?

 

You shouldn't be telling her to leave. They have been married for 38 yrs. This would be for them to figure out. 

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,631
Registered: ‎04-01-2010

Re: A friend came to me with suspicions that her husband of 38 years is in a relationship with someo

I would never get involved in someone's marriage, years ago my Sister had a really good friend whose DH was cheating. He was so brazen he stayed away for days then  show up home like nothing had happened and she put up with it.  I guess because they had three small kids and she had never worked out of lthe home.  Anyway to make a long story short my Sister ran into Mr. Cheater with his lady friend and told her friend about it, It ended their friendship. Cheater and her friend divorced and there were no winners. To this day her friend has never spoken to her like she was responsible for their breakup. 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,672
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: A friend came to me with suspicions that her husband of 38 years is in a relationship with someo


@Imaoldhippie wrote:

@panda1234 ..............advise for her?  Sorry but my advise is for you.  Stay out of it.  Be a friend and a listener but do not give advise or take sides.  Most likely it will be a no win situation for you.  If its not true or they patch things up then you will end up being the bad guy.  (unless there is abuse.)

 

I have seen this happen many times.


@Imaoldhippie ...Excellent advice.

The moving finger writes; And having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line Nor all your Tears Wash out a Word of it. Omar Khayam
Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,875
Registered: ‎04-27-2015

Re: A friend came to me with suspicions that her husband of 38 years is in a relationship with someo


@mintedrose wrote:

This is sad to hear. It could be nothing or it could be something. I think all the advice given here is awesome. She needs to get her finances in order right away without spooking him.

 

There are some tracking apps that she can put on his phone and that way she can track him wherever he goes. He doesnt have to know. Parents use this for their kids too. Theres also something she can do to place on his computer but she may need to hire someone to do that. So, many ways to get smart and get ahead of this.

 

Please keep us posted. 


@mintedrose  Did not know about the tracking apps. Wouldn't a person see this? Do you have more info?

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,875
Registered: ‎04-27-2015

Re: A friend came to me with suspicions that her husband of 38 years is in a relationship with someo


@Tinkerbell3 wrote:

Did she ask for your opinion or your support?

 

You shouldn't be telling her to leave. They have been married for 38 yrs. This would be for them to figure out. 


@Tinkerbell3  Yes, on several occasions she has asked me what I think she should do. I only told her what I would do if it was me. 

Valued Contributor
Posts: 884
Registered: ‎10-21-2019

Re: A friend came to me with suspicions that her husband of 38 years is in a relationship with someo

@panda1234    If she is a good friend, please be there for her. She is going to need someone she can trust to simply listen to her. 

 

My best friend at the time was married, and when I started going through my seperation and eventual divorce.....let's just say she disappeared in the wind. I remember feeling so terribly alone. It was horrible, and one of the lowest points of my life. 

 

It's in times of great trial that your friends need you most. You don't have to tell her what to do, or offer to help her catch him in the act, or anything crazy. 

 

You just have to be there, with love. 

Whatever gets you through the night; it's alright, it's alright. It's your money or your life; it's alright, it's alright---John Lennon