Among Friends

[panda1234]

I told her she needed to get proof, This is hard with technology today, you could be having a affair right at your kitchen table during lunch and no one would know. If she is able to get proof I advised her to confront him and then leave. Just wondering if anyone had better advice. 

[SunSprite]

@panda1234    I'm either the best or the worst person to give advice on this--depending on how you look at it. I've lived through this so my words here will be heavily influenced by my own experience. Please keep that in mind. 

My advice? TRUST HER GUT. Don't let someone else make you doubt, make you think you're crazy, or unusually jealous, or whatever. I had that psychological warfare played on me for over a year, ended up doubting my own sanity. 

Until I didn't, and all the chips fell into place. 

If she suspects she has a problem, she's already got a problem. 

I'll add her to my prayers, because it is a painful road and once your feet start down that path you can't just turn around and go back.

[panda1234]

@SunSprite  So sorry this happened to you. It has to be devastating for the world you have known come crashing down. I advised my friend to hire someone to get the proof she needs. All the answers are in his phone which she can not get into. I guess what makes this harder is his girlfriend is 35 years younger than him with young children. I like what you said about thinking you have a problem is already a problem...true.

[seaBreeze]

Checking one's texts can be done easily, or even phone call logs.  I know one's cell phone is private, but if husband has nothing to hide, challenge him.   

But if he is having a fling, there is not much to change the fact.  They always say let the man have a "good dose" of his mistress and he will eventually come back to you.  (But after that, I would not want him).

[cddh]

I think this has happened to more of us than we would like.  For me, it was like being thrown from an airplane without a parachute.  The red flags were there but he was real good at making me feel secure that I ignored all.  Plus, no one who knew told me!  I think your friend should think of herself now and be prepared.  See a lawyer, get her finances in order, store away all the cash she can.  And, think of herself and her children.  Feelings of rejection can cloud decision making.  It is not her fault, it is him!  Don't waste time worrying about him and spying.  It will consume you.  Keep your eyes open and think of herself.  Get counselling.  Think logically and not emotionally.  Remember success is the best revenge.  They don't always come back and does she really want them then?  At first, she may, but the time will come when she looks at him and the betrayal will be hard to accept.  This is everything I did not do and my life was a mess for a long time!

[Imaoldhippie]

@panda1234 ..............advise for her?  Sorry but my advise is for you.  Stay out of it.  Be a friend and a listener but do not give advise or take sides.  Most likely it will be a no win situation for you.  If its not true or they patch things up then you will end up being the bad guy.  (unless there is abuse.)

I have seen this happen many times.

[panda1234]

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@Imaoldhippie wrote:

@panda1234 ..............advise for her?  Sorry but my advise is for you.  Stay out of it.  Be a friend and a listener but do not give advise or take sides.  Most likely it will be a no win situation for you.  If its not true or they patch things up then you will end up being the bad guy.  (unless there is abuse.)

I have seen this happen many times.

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@Imaoldhippie    Good advice. She has told me that being  a listener has helped her a great deal. When she does ask for my input I am going to stay neutral.

[Suziepeach]

Be her friend but don't get involved..  

[panda1234]

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@cddh wrote:

I think this has happened to more of us than we would like.  For me, it was like being thrown from an airplane without a parachute.  The red flags were there but he was real good at making me feel secure that I ignored all.  Plus, no one who knew told me!  I think your friend should think of herself now and be prepared.  See a lawyer, get her finances in order, store away all the cash she can.  And, think of herself and her children.  Feelings of rejection can cloud decision making.  It is not her fault, it is him!  Get counselling.  Think logically and not emotionally.  Remember success is the best revenge.  This is everything I did not do and my life was a mess for a long time!

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@cddh @Thank you, all good advice.

[CalminHeart]

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@SunSprite wrote:

@panda1234    I'm either the best or the worst person to give advice on this--depending on how you look at it. I've lived through this so my words here will be heavily influenced by my own experience. Please keep that in mind. 

My advice? TRUST HER GUT. Don't let someone else make you doubt, make you think you're crazy, or unusually jealous, or whatever. I had that psychological warfare played on me for over a year, ended up doubting my own sanity. 

Until I didn't, and all the chips fell into place. 

If she suspects she has a problem, she's already got a problem. 

I'll add her to my prayers, because it is a painful road and once your feet start down that path you can't just turn around and go back.

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I'm so sorry you had to go through this.  I did too.  I didn't know he was cheating until after he moved out.  It was an extremely difficult time for the kids and me.  The kids didn't know about the affair but their dad was missing in action and it affected them so much.  I never want to go through that pain again.