A Friend in Need

Vivian · ‎03-11-2010

A dear friend of mine is having a very tough time. We live on opposite coasts but through phone calls, daily emails, and occasional get-togethers, we have remained close for 40 years. She has been divorced for most of that time, having raised her two children alone. Her ex was out of their lives. She inherited a great deal of family money so finances were never a problem.

Right now she is a wreck and has lost a great deal of weight. Some of her problems are physical. She has put off having two surgeries to correct two serious problems to the point where her quality of life is acutely affected. However, that is not her greatest challenge. The man whom she has been with for over 30 years is dying. They never married, which was the right thing for her to do (no need to go into the reasons here), but he has dealt with his terminal illness in a way that has made her life just awful. He refuses to tell his grown children that he is dying. They live far from him so he can get away with it...for now. He told my friend that she cannot talk to his family about him and that he will go to his daughters toward the end. My friend is not to follow him and she will not know when he leaves and cannot attend his funeral. My friend's daughter looked to him as a father but he refuses to see her.

My friend tells me she feels like a cheap mistress instead of a lifelong companion. She has told him how she feels but he refuses to change. She has become bitter and angry. No matter what I say, she snaps back telling me nobody understands her pain. She's seeing a therapist but has to travel an hour each way in heavy traffic for 50 minutes of talk a week. She says that isn't enough. I don't know what to say to her anymore. I understand her hurt and her anger. She's being treated horribly but what can she do?

hoosieroriginal · ‎03-04-2012

Sorry to hear about your friend. But if she's been with this guy for 30 years, she's had to have some idea he was this way. I feel bad that she's put in between him and his kids. Sounds like she's severely depressed and probably in pain (physically). Just give her your support the best you can. I have a friend in California that is quite overweight and doesn't take care of herself- now her ankle is turning in and she's having to walk with a walker (she's 60). We've been friends for years, and I just try to listen to her and support her. You can't change someone.

meglet · ‎03-10-2010

There's GOTTA be a therapist closer by. I just started therapy last week and was astounded by the number of them in my area when I printed out the list from my insurance company's website. Get a list and keep calling one after the other. I found one 5 minutes from my work. That would at least be one small, concrete thing that would improve her current situation.

Drythe · ‎07-09-2011

Sounds as though all you can do is be there for her.

This must be awful for her I can't imagine. A sad, strange way to end a long term relationship, not to mention a life.

"Animals are not my whole world, but they have made my world whole" ~ Roger Caras

gailcoco · ‎04-19-2012

All I can say is what I would do in this situation. I say SCREW IT!!! and tell his family. What makes him think his daughter will take care of him at the end? He's going to drop in on his daughter and dump this on her?

I would also bring my daughter to visit him whether he likes it or not. Does he live with your friend? Who is taking care of him now? She needs to start taking control of what she does and stop letting him control her.

As for the therapy thing - there are therapists now offering sessions via computer video conferencing. The one I know of doesn't bill insurance - the patient has to pay but their prices seem resonable. I just received a brochure from an outfit in Florida: www.fcitt.org Florida Center for Integrative Telepsychiatry and Telepsychotherapy.

And at some point all you can do is listen and say "that sucks". You can't help someone who doesn't want it.

~~66 and owned by cats and dogs.~~

Vivian · ‎03-11-2010

I will definitely tell my friend about the video conferencing idea. I don't know if she'd go for it but I can simply mention it. She never lived with this man but as some of you have said, knowing him for over thirty years, she should not be shocked by his behavior. I vividly recall that even though they were both divorced when they met, he refused to introduce her to his kids for years and when he became a grandfather, he never told her.

It was as if he was ashamed of her. To me it should have been the opposite. She was the one with the education, the lovely home, the accomplished children, the money. He always had to struggle...one of the reasons they never married. Maybe this is his final act of trying to control her and be top-dog for a change but it's destroying my friend.

I know he's dying of cancer but nothing gives him the right to be inhuman and cruel. I'd like to tell my friend she should just stop talking to him but I won't do that. She wants me to listen, not give advice, but she is really falling apart mentally and physically. She is experiencing some serious health issues and I had to beg her to make an appointment to see a doctor. I know she must be terribly depressed. Her anger is tangible. She keeps telling me nobody understands what she's going through, and that she can't stand other people's remarks. On the other hand, she keeps going back for more with him. I think it's abuse but she doesn't want to hear that and my characterization won't change her situation or her behavior. And guess what her career was? Counselor/therapist!

Zhills · ‎11-15-2011

Sometimes, you just really need someone to listen. You bounce your own words back and you just might see things differently!

I understand her situation. It's called LOVE! It can make you forget all the rules!

I have a friend who married her long time friend only to find out that he knew nothing about legal affairs and just paid whatever bills were sent to him when he decided to pay them. Not late enough to ruin his credit, but never on time. He would not make a will so anything he owned would be split (in probate court) if he should die. He just floats through life like a balloon, which ever way the wind blows or someone pushes him, is the way he goes!

Really sad! I can see why she never married him, but if she had, I doubt things would be any different. You can love them but not like them!

sandraskates · ‎06-26-2014

You are a good friend @Vivian.

fortune · ‎03-14-2010

@Vivian Florimond wrote:
A dear friend of mine is having a very tough time. We live on opposite coasts but through phone calls, daily emails, and occasional get-togethers, we have remained close for 40 years. She has been divorced for most of that time, having raised her two children alone. Her ex was out of their lives. She inherited a great deal of family money so finances were never a problem.

Right now she is a wreck and has lost a great deal of weight. Some of her problems are physical. She has put off having two surgeries to correct two serious problems to the point where her quality of life is acutely affected. However, that is not her greatest challenge. The man whom she has been with for over 30 years is dying. They never married, which was the right thing for her to do (no need to go into the reasons here), but he has dealt with his terminal illness in a way that has made her life just awful. He refuses to tell his grown children that he is dying. They live far from him so he can get away with it...for now. He told my friend that she cannot talk to his family about him and that he will go to his daughters toward the end. My friend is not to follow him and she will not know when he leaves and cannot attend his funeral. My friend's daughter looked to him as a father but he refuses to see her.

My friend tells me she feels like a cheap mistress instead of a lifelong companion. She has told him how she feels but he refuses to change. She has become bitter and angry. No matter what I say, she snaps back telling me nobody understands her pain. She's seeing a therapist but has to travel an hour each way in heavy traffic for 50 minutes of talk a week. She says that isn't enough. I don't know what to say to her anymore. I understand her hurt and her anger. She's being treated horribly but what can she do?

Sounds like he doesn't want his family to know about her. Something doesn't seem right here. I think he's hiding something. She keeps hoping he'll change, but a leopard doesn't change its spots!

She needs to see a therapist more than once a week. Can you help her find one closer? Other than that, just listen and be supportive. You're a good friend. She's lucky to have you!!!