topic Re: What should I do? in Among Friends

What should I do?

Vivian — Thu, 30 Jun 2016 18:59:23 GMT

My dear friend, who now lives 3,000 miles away, is very sick. She has gone to many different doctors without results. I have looked up her symptoms and it's possible, as one of her doctor's has said, that she has lymphoma. She has lost 40 pounds this year without trying. Her abdomen is swollen and she has awful cramps. She has night sweats. There's more, but suffice it to say she has almost all the 10 lymphoma symptoms. She has found doctors who tell her what she wants to hear. She would rather be in denial than accept the truth.

My husband is showing symptoms of early dementia. He is being treated by a neurolgist. My 94 year old mother is hanging on. I am recovering from a bout of intestinal MRSA. I'm still not normal but I'm able to control the awful symptoms with medication. My friend lives a continent away. 3000 miles separate us but we stay in touch daily and are like sisters. She would rather be in denial than face the fact that an oncologist whom she just saw thinks she has lymphoma. I want to support her but I don't know what to say.

Re: What should I do?

MalteseMomma — Thu, 30 Jun 2016 19:06:04 GMT

Just listen to what she says and offer love and kindness, but no advice!

Re: What should I do?

chickenbutt — Thu, 30 Jun 2016 19:15:04 GMT

I agree. In this kind, or similar, situations I never know what to say or what I can do. Sometimes I even express that and 100% of the time the feedback is that what I can do is just be the friend and listen.

Just knowing that you care about her is what she needs from you.

Unfortunately, you can't fix things, but you can listen and care.

Re: What should I do?

daisey10 — Thu, 30 Jun 2016 19:20:32 GMT

I agree with the two above posts. You are a good friend.

Re: What should I do?

chickenbutt — Thu, 30 Jun 2016 19:27:37 GMT

That's the thing, especially if you are a 'fixer'. I am a 'fixer' so the first notion for me is 'how can I fix this?'. Clearly, it cannot be fixed so then I initially can find myself flummoxed until I realize that caring really means a lot, AND it is the thing that I CAN do.

As far as the 'what to say' thing - that can go a couple of ways. Personally, I'm not one to say anything I don't mean, or something ridiculous that a lot of people might say like 'oh, it's going to be ok'. Ugh, I dislike that because, clearly, it's not and even if it was that person doesn't know that.

Re: What should I do?

Noel7 — Thu, 30 Jun 2016 19:31:08 GMT

Vivian,

You have so much to deal with... you can't fix everything. Give love and support as others have said.

Right now you need to take care of yourself and your husband. You will need strength to deal with him.

Best wishes to you.

Re: What should I do?

Vivian — Thu, 30 Jun 2016 19:36:35 GMT

It's been so difficult. My friend has postponed or canceled many medical tests. All I've said is that she needs to find out what's wrong. She tells me she is just skin and bones. I am so worried about her, my husband, my mother, and me. I am overhelmed by stress because the people who are most important to me are in trouble.

Re: What should I do?

chrystaltree — Thu, 30 Jun 2016 19:41:55 GMT

You aren't a doctor, you certainly aren't an oncologist. Would an oncologist spend years in specialized training if all he or she had to do was look up a few symtoms? Don't diagnose your friend, just be there as friend and listen to her. What she does or doesn't do is her choice. We're all allowed to do what we choose when it comes to our own bodies. So just be there for her and refrain from offering any opinions unless she specifically asks for them.

Re: What should I do?

snappyfrappy — Thu, 30 Jun 2016 19:54:29 GMT

Dear Vivian, of course you are concerned for your friend. With good reason. Sooner or later, her symptoms will force her to seek relief. Maybe then she will get help. I'm terribly sorry.

You have a lot on your plate. Your hubby and mom are right there and they will need you increasingly. So please take care of yourself. Rest and sleep as much as you can. Stay hydrated, eat properly, learn all you can about your hubby's condition and how to deal with it. Whenever you can, get out alone for a while and enjoy life with all it's beauty.

Do something that makes you happy, even if it's watching TV or reading.

And as someone who lived through her hubby's illness and Homegoing, take it one day at a time. Enjoy the little things so that in the end you aren't left with regrets.

And know that there are people here and maybe in your real life who love and pray for you.

Stay in touch because venting is very important and someone is always willing to listen.

snappy

Re: What should I do?

3suwm5 — Fri, 01 Jul 2016 16:45:20 GMT

I have a very sick friend as well that lives far away. She is having treatments for 2 years now. I just offer support and listen. I think that is the best you can do. Prayers to your friend that she becomes comfortable with a diagnosis and seeks treatment soon.

Re: What should I do?

Big Sister — Sat, 02 Jul 2016 02:02:54 GMT

@Vivian Vivian, there is nothing for you to do or fix, except be available when she needs to talk and have someone listen.

We all have choices to make in life, and it seems she has chosen.

You're a good friend to care for her.

Re: What should I do?

10grands — Sat, 02 Jul 2016 05:00:00 GMT

The best thing would be to just be her friend, talk about things you normally talk about, not about her illness unless she brings it up.

Re: What should I do?

Vivian — Sat, 02 Jul 2016 11:49:46 GMT

Thanks to all of you for taking the time to write. My friend's son and daughter-in-law are physicians and they're finally getting involved. My friend is seeing an oncologist this week and her son will accompany her. It's about time. She may have lymphoma. If you read the symptoms she has most of them although I understand lymphoma is hard to diagnose because it shares symptoms with many other conditions, but two doctors told her that's what she may have. She told me that she's afraid she'll die before getting a diagnosis. I think she and her family are FINALLY coming around to the fact that time may be running out.

Re: What should I do?

Yardlie — Sat, 02 Jul 2016 16:25:39 GMT

@Vivian Florimond ... I am so sorry to hear about all that you are going through. You, your husband, and your friend all have a lot on your plates right now.

I had a close friend who had terminal cancer a few years back. She was young and in denial. I thought the answer was getting her to accept the fact that she was dying. My niece is a psychotherapist. She told me that being in denial was useful...and was a safe place for her to be. She told me to suggest to my friend that she get her paper work in order...just like we all should do...but to let my friend be in denial. It was not hurting anyone and was making the final stages of my friend's cancer easier on her.

I had never thought about it that way before, but my friend did get her paperwork in order...just in case something happened to her. She was in denial until she peacefully died.

Just be there for your friend...talk to her as much as you can. A lot of people survive lymphoma. She knows what is happening deep down. Don't take that hope away from her. It is making it emotionally easier on your friend. Bless you for being there for your friend.

Re: What should I do?

inmemoryofmylittlesis — Tue, 05 Jul 2016 09:13:11 GMT

@Vivian, good advice in the posts. I'm sorry for all you and your family deal with and for your dear friends illness too. Hugs.