topic Re: Need to vent....... in Among Friends

Need to vent.......

nanny24 — Sun, 19 Jun 2016 12:26:04 GMT

Okay, here's the story....every 2-3 years, we take a family vacation with our kids and grandkids. We choose a destination that we all agree on and rent a cabin/condo etc at least a year in advance. This year we are going to the mountains to fish, canoe, ride horses, etc. We are not rich, and we save to go on these vacations, and I have been looking forward to the time spent with family. Last week, my daughter told me that she was talking with her friend, telling her about the trip, and the friend decided to come along and vacation with us. They will have their own cabin, but will spend a good chunk of time with us. I don't know if my daughter invited them, or they horned in on their own. When my daughter told me, I wanted to cry. To me, this is FAMILY time. I do not want to drive 300 miles to spend time with her friend, and I know my daughter will want to spend time with them, as their kids are the same ages. I know there is no answer to this, I just needed to vent. If I tell daughter how I feel, I will be the 'bad guy'.

Re: Need to vent.......

Mom2Dogs — Sun, 19 Jun 2016 12:35:43 GMT

@nanny24 wrote:
Okay, here's the story....every 2-3 years, we take a family vacation with our kids and grandkids. We choose a destination that we all agree on and rent a cabin/condo etc at least a year in advance. This year we are going to the mountains to fish, canoe, ride horses, etc. We are not rich, and we save to go on these vacations, and I have been looking forward to the time spent with family. Last week, my daughter told me that she was talking with her friend, telling her about the trip, and the friend decided to come along and vacation with us. They will have their own cabin, but will spend a good chunk of time with us. I don't know if my daughter invited them, or they horned in on their own. When my daughter told me, I wanted to cry. To me, this is FAMILY time. I do not want to drive 300 miles to spend time with her friend, and I know my daughter will want to spend time with them, as their kids are the same ages. I know there is no answer to this, I just needed to vent. If I tell daughter how I feel, I will be the 'bad guy'.

@nanny24....I do not think I would be happy....this is/was a family vacation. Adding another family changes the dynamics of the group. Possibly your daughter thinks this will be fun for her kids, they will have someone to play with. Personally she should have talked to you first before including her friend.

I am facing a similar situation, not family related but friends...one friend continues to include her dil to events that used to be just us girls...now the dil, wants to include her daugher! What happened to just us girls? I don't have children of my own and really don't appreciate having a teenager tagging along on a girls day out.......and if I say anything I would be the bad person as well.....

Re: Need to vent.......

jackthebear — Sun, 19 Jun 2016 12:38:08 GMT

@nanny24 wrote:
Okay, here's the story....every 2-3 years, we take a family vacation with our kids and grandkids. We choose a destination that we all agree on and rent a cabin/condo etc at least a year in advance. This year we are going to the mountains to fish, canoe, ride horses, etc. We are not rich, and we save to go on these vacations, and I have been looking forward to the time spent with family. Last week, my daughter told me that she was talking with her friend, telling her about the trip, and the friend decided to come along and vacation with us. They will have their own cabin, but will spend a good chunk of time with us. I don't know if my daughter invited them, or they horned in on their own. When my daughter told me, I wanted to cry. To me, this is FAMILY time. I do not want to drive 300 miles to spend time with her friend, and I know my daughter will want to spend time with them, as their kids are the same ages. I know there is no answer to this, I just needed to vent. If I tell daughter how I feel, I will be the 'bad guy'.

I think you should tell her, perhaps you daughter didn't want the friend inviting herself at all. bad manners on the part of the friend.

Re: Need to vent.......

jackthebear — Sun, 19 Jun 2016 12:39:44 GMT

@Mom2Dogs wrote:
@nanny24 wrote:
Okay, here's the story....every 2-3 years, we take a family vacation with our kids and grandkids. We choose a destination that we all agree on and rent a cabin/condo etc at least a year in advance. This year we are going to the mountains to fish, canoe, ride horses, etc. We are not rich, and we save to go on these vacations, and I have been looking forward to the time spent with family. Last week, my daughter told me that she was talking with her friend, telling her about the trip, and the friend decided to come along and vacation with us. They will have their own cabin, but will spend a good chunk of time with us. I don't know if my daughter invited them, or they horned in on their own. When my daughter told me, I wanted to cry. To me, this is FAMILY time. I do not want to drive 300 miles to spend time with her friend, and I know my daughter will want to spend time with them, as their kids are the same ages. I know there is no answer to this, I just needed to vent. If I tell daughter how I feel, I will be the 'bad guy'.
@nanny24....I do not think I would be happy....this is/was a family vacation. Adding another family changes the dynamics of the group. Possibly your daughter thinks this will be fun for her kids, they will have someone to play with. Personally she should have talked to you first before including her friend.

I am facing a similar situation, not family related but friends...one friend continues to include her dil to events that used to be just us girls...now the dil, wants to include her daugher! What happened to just us girls? I don't have children of my own and really don't appreciate having a teenager tagging along on a girls day out.......and if I say anything I would be the bad person as well.....

just tell your friend to reschedule when you can do your dayout with just yourselves, she will figure it out.

and I totally agree with you

Re: Need to vent.......

Ms X — Sun, 19 Jun 2016 12:45:24 GMT

I'm not sure what can be done now that she's invited her friend. If they've already rented the cabin, it's a done deal. Aside from this fact, why wouldn't you want to mention it to your daughter? If the cabin's been rented, I'd just go this year and hope for the best. Next time you plan your vacation, you could mention that you like it to be just family time. You might be pleasantly surprised, though. They might end up being wonderful guests who add to the fun.

Re: Need to vent.......

riley1 — Sun, 19 Jun 2016 12:46:45 GMT

@nanny24 - I think/suggest you should sit down with your daughter and talk to her. Maybe explain you were looking forward to family time and spending time with her.

You shouldn't be down before leaving for vaca and then not enjoy the time you are away - Good Luck

Re: Need to vent.......

nanny24 — Sun, 19 Jun 2016 12:48:19 GMT

I do think part of it is so the kids have other kids to play with, but I am still hurt that if the friend invited herself, my daughter SHOULD have said that this is family time, and we can do something with your family at another time. My daughter is very social, and probably thinks 'the more the merrier'. Anyway, I thank you for your thoughts, and we'll see how it goes.

Re: Need to vent.......

KingstonsMom — Sun, 19 Jun 2016 12:48:53 GMT

@Mom2Dogs wrote:
@nanny24 wrote:
Okay, here's the story....every 2-3 years, we take a family vacation with our kids and grandkids. We choose a destination that we all agree on and rent a cabin/condo etc at least a year in advance. This year we are going to the mountains to fish, canoe, ride horses, etc. We are not rich, and we save to go on these vacations, and I have been looking forward to the time spent with family. Last week, my daughter told me that she was talking with her friend, telling her about the trip, and the friend decided to come along and vacation with us. They will have their own cabin, but will spend a good chunk of time with us. I don't know if my daughter invited them, or they horned in on their own. When my daughter told me, I wanted to cry. To me, this is FAMILY time. I do not want to drive 300 miles to spend time with her friend, and I know my daughter will want to spend time with them, as their kids are the same ages. I know there is no answer to this, I just needed to vent. If I tell daughter how I feel, I will be the 'bad guy'.
@nanny24....I do not think I would be happy....this is/was a family vacation. Adding another family changes the dynamics of the group. Possibly your daughter thinks this will be fun for her kids, they will have someone to play with. Personally she should have talked to you first before including her friend.

I am facing a similar situation, not family related but friends...one friend continues to include her dil to events that used to be just us girls...now the dil, wants to include her daugher! What happened to just us girls? I don't have children of my own and really don't appreciate having a teenager tagging along on a girls day out.......and if I say anything I would be the bad person as well.....

@Mom2Dogs

I can relate. My DD and I always get together for lunch/shopping 1 day a week on her day off, which usually coincides with my friend's day off.

My friend wanted to join us all the time, which would've taken away from our Mom/DD experience, so I finally had to tell her that that day was a special bonding day for us and she understood.

Re: Need to vent.......

Ms X — Sun, 19 Jun 2016 13:04:21 GMT

One thing you could do, @nanny24, is schedule two or three events/trips that are just for family. Do you have certain traditions that you observe during your vacations together? Perhaps before you go you could discuss with your daughter setting aside family-only time. I wouldn't get into a big thing about her inviting them right now, as there's no way she's going to tell them they can't come now and it would only spoil the vacation. If you have the assurance that there will be a few family-only evenings and afternoons, that might be a great compromise. Then, if it turns out to be something you don't want repeated, you can deal with that when you begin planning your NEXT vacation.

Re: Need to vent.......

Dusty1 — Sun, 19 Jun 2016 13:35:00 GMT

I will give another side. My Mother did family get togethers on holidays, not because it was "fun", but I guess. because it is what you did. I like it to be fun. My family is not fun. If my kids had boy/girl friends I liked to include them because I usually liked them & it made the day bettter for all of us, & believe me, it never took anything away from our "family" time. Mom did not even want any step children to be included. I remember a couple of Christmases, she bought dated ornaments for her kids & grandkids, but would not buy one for the step children/grandchildren.

My sister & sister in law & I went away for a weekend a couple of years in a row. The next year that we went my daughter was a Senior in HS & I took her along. I didn't even think about it, really. I thought it was a girls weekend & she was old enough to be "a girl" I guess & she was easy to get along with, so I just took her. All we had ever done is go to a hotel, shop, eat, see a movie or two. No wild partying or strip clubs, LOL, so I didn't think anything about taking her. My sister in law was mad & had nothing to do with us that weekend. Then her daughter got old enough to be included in things & always is, with no questions asked.

I hope your trip is more fun than you had hoped & that the unexpected additions, don't ruin it for you. It's hard to be planning things one way & then someone changes things on you. I hope things go smoothly.

Re: Need to vent.......

AuntG — Sun, 19 Jun 2016 13:38:07 GMT

Do you really think it is that big of a problem? This friend will be in her own cabin, and I'd like to think she will respect your family time. At other times, the grandchildren will have friends to play with. I don't think I'd say anything and give it a whirl.

Re: Need to vent.......

gmkb — Sun, 19 Jun 2016 13:54:23 GMT

I would suggest you talk to your daughter well before this vacation takes place. You don't want to go feeling resentment about the change in plans. Whatever is decided, this definitely changes the dynamics of this vacation and probably future vacations.

Life is ever changing and not always to our liking or for the best. The important thing is to maintain good feelings between you and your daughter.

Re: Need to vent.......

dex — Sun, 19 Jun 2016 14:02:25 GMT

I would tell your daughter how special family time is to you and that you look forward so much to these vacations to create beautiful memories with your family.I wouldn't say anything though until after the vacation so there won't be anymore hurt feelings during the vacation.

Re: Need to vent.......

Annabellethecat66 — Sun, 19 Jun 2016 14:07:14 GMT

I understand what the OP is saying (most grandparents, especially, can understand).

I have 3 daughters, 2 are married and have 7 children between them. When my husband was alive we all vacationed together.

After he died it has taken a lot of work to get together (different states). Also, the children's ages vary from 3 to 14. I've found that as the children get older they like having THEIR friends with them and get bored more easily.

We also have good friends that before my husband died always got together, rented a huge house (for 26 years), nothing after he died.

People get older and make friends (the children, I'm talking about). As a grandmother I've learned you have to be able to 'grow' with your family and adjust as they change. Grandparents have already done most of our growing and adjusting (this can present a problem in the family dynamics); but only if the grandparents don't adjust.

I've learned to be happy when I can be with my family. They are young, like to do things and it is difficult for me to keep up with them (I'm 70, but in good health).

Your family obviously loves you and your husband very much and I think it is wonderful they are giving up 1 precious week of their vacation to spend time with you and your husband; (you've obviously been a good Mom).

My advice is to (as another poster wisely suggested) plan a few evenings where just your family get together for dinner. Maybe a lunch here and there. However, I would also 'allow' your daughter (if she wants to) to spend some of a day or so with her friends.

You need to think about the positives in this situation.....your family chooses to spend a week with you and your husband, you will have full access to your family (living together) for a week.

You can have wonderful discussions with each family member at different times of the day (that's priceless). How often do you get to wake up early and see your daughter's smiling face, or give her a kiss good night? You'll have lots of time to spend with your grandchildren here and there and they won't resent the fact that they are 'stuck' (as older kids sometimes do) there. It's not a reflection on their love for grandparents or parents, they separate the love with being bored, you must remember that.

You might find that this might be one of the best years yet. You need to learn that family dynamics change all of the time. As grandparents we must always believe our children as adults love us; but they need to be able to grow and change with THEIR family.

Again, think of it this way, they are choosing to spend 1 week with you and your husband (giving up 1 week of precious vacation time), your daughter is married with a family, everything isn't always her choice. Have you thought about that? You're married, did your husband always go along with EVERYTHING you wanted? Maybe he'd like to spend time with these friends too.

Finally, you are lucky, now go ahead and have the best time you've ever had. Every morning walk over to that daughter of yours and give her a big "good morning" hug and at night give her a "good night" hug because you can do that for one whole week.

Re: Need to vent.......

GCR18 — Sun, 19 Jun 2016 14:08:40 GMT

I can understand your disappointment. I don't think I'd say anything because it may not go over well. I would go and do whatever I planned to do. I wouldn't sit in the background because of the other family. When the time comes to plan the next trip is when I'd bring up how I cherish family vacations, etc. I hope you are able to have a nice trip.

Re: Need to vent.......

Gram W — Sun, 19 Jun 2016 14:31:53 GMT

Beautiful. This is great advice for us all. I am a 71 yr old widow of 20 years. I have learned what you just wrote but I could not have said it so well. These are words to be saved and read in future times. Thank you for sharing your life's learned wisdom.

Re: Need to vent.......

tobes — Sun, 19 Jun 2016 14:53:10 GMT

I don't beleve there is anything you can do now. Just try to have a good time this year. You may find you enjoy yourself more than you think. See how it goes. Have a discussion with your daughter about your feelings after the vacation in preparation for next year.

Re: Need to vent.......

dex — Sun, 19 Jun 2016 15:16:21 GMT

@Annabellethecat66 You are a very special person.I bet your family loves you very much and treasures the time they can spend with you.I love reading your responses to posters because you can always find the right words.

Re: Need to vent.......

rrpell — Sun, 19 Jun 2016 15:29:01 GMT

@nanny24Yes, you have been dissed. Yes, you have a good reason to be hurt. The fact that it was done by your daughter is even more hurtful. Being handed an "announcement" that your much anticipated family's vacation will be changing is one sided. She did not discuss it with you before making the decision for everyone. Instead, she chose to discuss it with her friend.

I thought the comments by other posters showed some of us have faced this situation. You are not alone.

Mothers are blessed with broad shoulders.

I applaud all mothers, They give so much. It is the job from which no one retires. When your daughter is a grandmother, and you are gone, something like this will happen to her. Her daughter or son will do something insensitive and she will cry. She will remember those times she did something terrible to her own mother and reflect on what you did. She will feel close to you. She will feel comfort in the love and acceptance you gave her. Your everlasting love will wipe her tears. ❤️

Re: Need to vent.......

Annabellethecat66 — Sun, 19 Jun 2016 15:40:34 GMT

@dex Funny you should say that because (a little story) Friday I had a colonoscopy done (you can read about it on the topic "Funny How the Mind Works" Ha).

My oldest daughter insisted she come and drive me. She and I are very close. She is an amazing person and an even more wonderful daughter, as are my two other daughters.

I admit I 'take no prisioners' in life and kinda (try in a nice way to say what's on my mind). As I've gotten old(er) I turn 70 this year, I find that I resent the way my get up and go and gotten up and gone! Ha! This sometimes means I get feisty when I feel like people are being condescending.

These nurses and Drs were 'over the top' at constantly telling me, "You'll be back" and "I can't believe you've been able to avoid this before now" (not something you want to hear when you've just been Rotor Routered! Ha!

I was not rude to anyone just matter of fact (like "I'm here, talk to me, tell me, my daughter can listen"). Another of my pet peeves, (ignorance and lack of tact.).

My friend called a little later and said, "I saw your daughter coming down your driveway and she said, 'Keep an eye on my Mom. She's doing great, but she's a bit fiesty'". Ha!

I guess my girls are used to me. It's difficult getting old(er) and turning over the reigns of the family matriarch. I had to do it sooner than I thought because my husband (who was) died 13 years ago.

I know how lucky I am in many, many ways. My problem is as I always say, "That ****** brain of mine is divided in two....one side is a "B" (insert the other letters) and the other side is wonderful and loving. Unfortunately, as I get old(er) the "B" side is winning too much. Ha!

What I say here is exactly like I am. I think there are many people here who think and are just like me. They just don't 'share' it like I do. They are more wise than me, as is often demonstrated when they post. I wish more would share their words of wisdom because we can all learn from each other.