topic Re: Advice/no judgment in Among Friends

Advice/no judgment

Mom2Dogs — Wed, 04 Mar 2026 18:23:26 GMT

My sister passed away, earlier this week, we have not seen each other or spoken for 10 years or so. She broke off communication when she accused me of something I did not do...we live several states away from each other.

The sister she was close with (at her death) was probably the catalyst in our friendship breaking up. Before my sister and I had our falling out we were close and she was not close at all with the other sister....go figure.

I was always the sister they both came to..money, help with child care, you name it and did my best to step up to the plate, then the accusation came out of the blue and the relationship ended, and the tight bind with the two sisters was formed.

My sister (still alive) has very limited contact with her other 3 children...one daughter has no relationship her so I know it's not just me.

I guess I added the above to set the stage for the question...there was no service and I am pretty certain part of the reason was finances. Sister's obit mentioned contribusions to the family. I am leaning toward sending money..even tho I was told to never contact them again. My husband feels differently although he is onboard with what ever I decide to do.

He saw me at my lowest when this sister cut me off for no reason..I did not do what she said I did and before the split happened we were close.. I spent time with her every time she had a baby...she had a serious illness and I stayed a week with her caring for the house and kids. I was crushed at the time, but have moved on.

I am not asking for judgment, just a different eye on the situation as it pertains to a monetary donation.

Thanks

Re: Advice/no judgment

rockygems123 — Wed, 04 Mar 2026 18:27:34 GMT

@Mom2Dogs

You sound like your instinct is to send a contribution to the surviving family. They may not have been part of the break up process you and your sister had and if you want them to have something send it.

Re: Advice/no judgment

Janey2 — Wed, 04 Mar 2026 18:36:47 GMT

@Mom2Dogs If you send money who gets it and why?

Re: Advice/no judgment

just bee — Wed, 04 Mar 2026 18:38:09 GMT

Families are complicated. If you feel a contribution would help, then by all means do what you feel is right and appropriate.

It can't hurt.

Re: Advice/no judgment

Mom2Dogs — Wed, 04 Mar 2026 18:40:07 GMT

I would have to send the money directly to my sister's husband and yes both my sister and her husband made it clear to never contact them.

Regardless of the money question, I will send a sympathy card.

The money would be used for funeral expenses, there was no service, she was cremated but everything costs money and I am only guessing that they had no life insurance..but not sure.

Re: Advice/no judgment

Lainie — Wed, 04 Mar 2026 18:40:12 GMT

I agree with the other posts...Do what You feel is appropiate ...and what your heart tells you..so sorry for your Loss...and the diffciult years leading up to now..Life is short..

Re: Advice/no judgment

skatting44 — Wed, 04 Mar 2026 18:41:47 GMT

Does your sister have surviving young children under the age of 18 ? Was your sister the only parent providing an income for the care of her children ?

If so, I'd give money made out to them , if not then I'd think a little longer as to why they are asking for money .

Re: Advice/no judgment

beach-mom — Wed, 04 Mar 2026 18:42:50 GMT

@Mom2Dogs - I am so sorry for your loss. No matter what happened, she was your sister and there was a time when you were close. I know you must be hurting, maybe more than you expected.

I would send something to help her children with the funeral expenses.

Re: Advice/no judgment

Laura14 — Wed, 04 Mar 2026 18:45:25 GMT

@Mom2Dogs I am so sorry for your loss.

If you can send the money anonymously, absolutely do it.

However, if what you are really afraid if is that they may rip up the check and send it back to you, and that's a bit more than you can handle right now.... completely understandable.

I might look to honor your sister another way on your own with something you and she did enjoy together before the split. Or even donating to a charity in her name. She'll know you did it and love you for it no matter what's happened before.

Big hugs!

Re: Advice/no judgment

elated — Wed, 04 Mar 2026 18:46:35 GMT

I can understand your dilemma because I have the same. I really don't miss the fractured relationship for many reasons. If you want to send a sympathy card that would be enough. Sometimes we stress over family situations that we have no control over. You did what you thought what was best at the time but it has passed. You have lived your life without her and because she has passed it doesn't change. Wishing you the best.

Re: Advice/no judgment

ThinkingOutLoud — Wed, 04 Mar 2026 18:53:53 GMT

Yes, send a donation AND whatever else to those in grief (ie flowers). It is never wrong to be the bigger person. For all you know, your sister/s deeply regret what happened but just didn't know how to fix it. This can be a bridge to rectify the situation once and for all.

Re: Advice/no judgment

DREAMON — Wed, 04 Mar 2026 19:09:37 GMT

Of course you should do what your heart tells you to do.

I feel if your sister wanted no contact with you...that says it all. I wouldn't contact people who wanted nothing to do with me...assuming the family felt as your sister did.

Best of Luck to you in whatever you decide to do.

Re: Advice/no judgment

Luvitorleaveit1 — Wed, 04 Mar 2026 18:57:46 GMT

@Mom2Dogs - my condolences. Losing a sibling can be harder than losing a parent regardless of closeness or lack thereof. If it brings some closure your monetary donation may help especially since it was mentioned in her obituary.

Family dynamics is an unfortunate part of life.

Re: Advice/no judgment

ThinkingOutLoud — Wed, 04 Mar 2026 18:58:36 GMT

I will add - family relationships do not end with death and being a forgiving person is huge for all involved. Easter is a month from now - lots of lessons from that final week...

Re: Advice/no judgment

CANDLEQUEEN — Wed, 04 Mar 2026 18:59:10 GMT

@Mom2Dogs First off I am sorry for the loss of your sister. Whatever else happened she was your sister and at one time you were close.

Did she have children? If so I would send them something if you want to with a card, if she didn't and the money goes to your other sister and husband, I would still send it as well if you want to with a card.

I think you have to go with your gut and heart on this one. Please let us know what you end up deciding-no judgement!!!

Re: Advice/no judgment

rms1954 — Wed, 04 Mar 2026 19:04:16 GMT

I think you should know what's in your heart and what you should do; you don't need anyone's opinion.

Re: Advice/no judgment

jlkz — Wed, 04 Mar 2026 19:06:28 GMT

@Mom2Dogs

My sisters are alive so the situation isn't quite the same. The younger sister hasn't spoken to her twin for almost 30 years and to me almost as long.She and her ill husband requested we not attend his services. When I called her to express condolences, I was told to leave her family alone.

I have complied and will continue to do so. I pray for her entire family period. She inherited the meanness of our paternal grandmother and gives that legacy to her children and their children. A Mass card will be sent period and signed in DH's last name.

The other sister when realizing she was ill and edging towards dementia, reestablished communication with me despite accusing me of something I did not do in settling the father's estate and despite hours on my and DH's part explaining how her accusation was not true.

There is no accounting for the many stories of despicable behaviors I have heard over time. Yours and mine fit the mold.

You have been there when they had their greatest need. Their lack of appreciation and respect speak volumes. Your contribution acknowledgement may be totally ignored or responded to with a pre-printed Thank You card signed by a distant family member appointed to the task or just u signed.

The question: Will this treatment cause you more pain ? If so, why bother.

Another question: Do you have a deep-seated need to reach out to them, possibly re-establishing a connection of sorts ? Again, if rejected, will this cause more pain ?

Suggestion: discuss these questions and your answer with DH ( he will live with your pain and thus be impacted ) and / or someone who's non-family and whose counsel you normally respect.

Final point: You alone can determine your choice. Best wishes for your peace of mind, heart and soul.

Re: Advice/no judgment

RedTop — Wed, 04 Mar 2026 19:08:43 GMT

I would call the funeral home to ask about sending a donation towards cremation expenses, or donate to a charity in her memory. I personally would not send money to the husband.

Re: Advice/no judgment

Sooner — Wed, 04 Mar 2026 19:31:49 GMT

@RedTop wrote:
I would call the funeral home to ask about sending a donation towards cremation expenses, or donate to a charity in her memory. I personally would not send money to the husband.

@RedTop Excellent advice. The main question being would you want to revisit any aspect of a buried relationship, would you want to start it up again, renew any contact, or relive it. This way, it skirts all those issues.

Do what you need to do considering what possible results from reopening the communications might entail.

Re: Advice/no judgment

manny2 — Wed, 04 Mar 2026 19:34:46 GMT

Given the history you described, I wouldn’t send money. They cut off contact, set a firm boundary, and you’ve already done more than your share over the years. You can honor your sister privately without reopening old wounds or stepping back into a dynamic that hurt you. @Mom2Dogs