topic Re: Responding to someone who has lost a loved one in Among Friends

Responding to someone who has lost a loved one

catwhisperer — Tue, 25 Mar 2025 05:55:56 GMT

I know it is hard to know what to say to someone who has lost a loved one, but as one who has experienced loss, please do not say, "I hope you are doing well". Do you really think someone who has lost a loved one is doing "well"? No they are not.

As one who has experienced this comment numerous times, I would prefer just thoughts and prayers.

Re: Responding to someone who has lost a loved one

JYWilliams — Tue, 25 Mar 2025 08:12:13 GMT

I tell the person I'm sorry for their and their family loss and they are in my prayers. And if it's anything that I can do for them to let me know. Recently a lady that I knew had passed. I let her family know how many people lives she had touched by being their teacher. And how as adults people still talk about how much they cared for and respected her. It made them smile and they thanked me. Your right, no one is doing "well" when a loved one passes. I think that's exactly what it is, people don't know what to say. I know that they don't mean any disrespect by saying I hope your doing well. But I also get your point because a person isn't doing well.

Re: Responding to someone who has lost a loved one

Roscoe the Rascal — Tue, 25 Mar 2025 10:08:43 GMT

I find it hard sometimes to know what to say myself even though I have experienced quite a bit of loss this last year especially. I take no offense and people do mean well. I always feel they came to the celebration of life or acknowledge my loved ones passing when they see me. Ignoring does not help the situation. It is a difficult time.

Re: Responding to someone who has lost a loved one

Laura14 — Tue, 25 Mar 2025 11:20:42 GMT

I think they probably mean as well as can be expected. This is why people say nothing sometimes because there is no good thing to say. It's a horrible time and you and everyone here who is grieving are always in my prayers. I hope you each take comfort in the fact that, with loss, no one is ever alone. 🙏

Re: Responding to someone who has lost a loved one

haddon9 — Tue, 25 Mar 2025 12:00:42 GMT

I just simply say that I'm so very sorry for their loss.

Re: Responding to someone who has lost a loved one

TheWanderingOne — Tue, 25 Mar 2025 12:06:50 GMT

I think that people generally mean well, but don't really think before they speak.

I could write a book about the insensitive, intrusive and just plain stupid things people said to me when my family members died.

My sister died unexpectedly about 2.5 years ago, and I was floored by the number of people who thought it was okay to ask what her cause of death was. Really? That's none of anyone's business outside of the family. It's also not okay to ask if they had been ill. It's one thing if the family freely volunteers that info, but if they don't, don't ask! I finally started telling people that if they really needed to know, they could purchase a copy of her death certificate from the county.

Re: Responding to someone who has lost a loved one

LindaSal — Tue, 25 Mar 2025 12:12:07 GMT

I wouldn't take what anyone says to heart like that. People all deal with difficult situations differently. Some just don't know what to say and truly mean well. Death of a loved one is the hardest thing we have to face in life, I have compassion for those that try their best to comfort others, even if it's not perfect.

Re: Responding to someone who has lost a loved one

CalminHeart — Tue, 25 Mar 2025 12:12:09 GMT

@catwhisperer wrote:
I know it is hard to know what to say to someone who has lost a loved one, but as one who has experienced loss, please do not say, "I hope you are doing well". Do you really think someone who has lost a loved one is doing "well"? No they are not.

As one who has experienced this comment numerous times, I would prefer just thoughts and prayers.

People mean well when they say that.

People really do hope you're doing ok - as well as can be at the time. Accept their love and thoughts and don't worry about the words.

I lost 5 immediate family members and 3 friends from April 2023 to June 2024. I'll always accept good wishes and love no matter what words are used.

Re: Responding to someone who has lost a loved one

Ainhisg — Tue, 25 Mar 2025 12:12:37 GMT

@Laura14 wrote:
I think they probably mean as well as can be expected. This is why people say nothing sometimes because there is no good thing to say. It's a horrible time and you and everyone here who is grieving are always in my prayers. I hope you each take comfort in the fact that, with loss, no one is ever alone. 🙏

What @Laura14 said. They mean as well as can be expected. Just be glad that whoever says this is acknowledging your loss.

Re: Responding to someone who has lost a loved one

We rescue cats — Tue, 25 Mar 2025 12:27:05 GMT

When I am unsure I usually simply say, I'm sorry for your loss, please let me know if I can help you.

Re: Responding to someone who has lost a loved one

wagirl — Tue, 25 Mar 2025 20:11:42 GMT

Thoughts and prayers were/are never words of consolation for me-think that phrase is over used and not comforting in the least--a catch phrase, like have a great day---always hated that phrase too.

I do what I normally do when anything catastrophic happens whether it be a death or sickness or surgery--I call every other day to check up on that person, or these days--will leave a message by text or email, if no answer via a phone call, just to check in and will offer any assistance then too.

Re: Responding to someone who has lost a loved one

Shanus — Tue, 25 Mar 2025 13:16:48 GMT

I had a friend who lost her husband a few months ago. Her toughest time was after the funeral when her friends and family from out of town went home. She was rambling her empty house.

Yes, you can ask if there's anything you can do, but most of the time they say "Thanks, no". I usually show up w/ a light meal enough for 2 and ask if she'd like company and I can stay and have dinner with her.

I find the worst time is when they're left alone and if you know them well enough, just show up w/ a bouquet, a cake, a casserole and stall until it becomes a short visit. I've rarely not been invited to stay and it was appreciated.

Sometimes I bring a small "self care basket" w/ balth salts, a scrubbie, lotion, etc.

Re: Responding to someone who has lost a loved one

cjm61 — Tue, 25 Mar 2025 13:59:54 GMT

@catwhisperer I am sorry it didn't sit right with you but for me, I think it is appropriate. I have lost 2 children and that phrase "I hope you're doing well" was well received.

Really, it's hard for people to know what to say. The only phrase I found unusual, not really bothersome, "How can you handle it?". Well, what other option is there. But I still received the phrase with open arms and a hug.

Re: Responding to someone who has lost a loved one

Puzzle Piece — Tue, 25 Mar 2025 14:07:51 GMT

@catwhisperer It's not easy for others to know exactly what to say because they aren't you.

I lost the love of my life last year and heard some outlandish things like "Are you going to get married again"? "Are you going to sell the house"? "Are you going to keep......"?

Questions and statements I couln't answer at that time and still can't now.

Re: Responding to someone who has lost a loved one

shoptilyadropagain — Tue, 25 Mar 2025 14:13:45 GMT

We're all different and what one person perceives as insensitive; another person might really appreciate it.

When my dad passed away, I can remember that things were said that I felt were kind of strange but a few days later I couldn't even tell you what was said. I just know that they meant well and I valued that those people took the time to express some sort of sympathy to me.

I'm one who has trouble expressing myself in those situations and I also just let them know I'm sorry for their loss and they are in my prayers.

Re: Responding to someone who has lost a loved one

AuntG — Tue, 25 Mar 2025 15:02:24 GMT

@catwhisperer we must not be as well versed in the social graces as you are. That statement seems perfectly acceptable. A response might be "doing as well as I can", or " it's been a rough time".

Re: Responding to someone who has lost a loved one

Pook — Tue, 25 Mar 2025 15:14:35 GMT

The thing I do not like is others saying "If there is anything I can do..." It is meant to be nice but who is going to really ask for something or who really is prepared to be asked to do something?

Re: Responding to someone who has lost a loved one

CANDLEQUEEN — Tue, 25 Mar 2025 15:39:54 GMT

I just simply say I am so sorry for your loss, and I will be praying for you and your family. Depending on how well I know them , I will also add if there is anything you need or just want to talk-please know we are here for you.....

Re: Responding to someone who has lost a loved one

ILOVEDOGS — Tue, 25 Mar 2025 15:46:54 GMT

@wagirl

I agree!

Re: Responding to someone who has lost a loved one

chrystaltree — Tue, 25 Mar 2025 15:56:08 GMT

That's better than saying nothing. People mean well but it's hard because they often don't know what to say. That phrase irritated you but it wouldn't have upset me or many other people. I was grateful for whatever people said to acknowledge my loss and grief. I didn't take everything literally. What I really didn't like was when people quizzed me for the details about how my loved one died. That was offensive.