topic Re: How would this make you feel? in Among Friends

How would this make you feel?

cookinfreak — Thu, 17 Oct 2024 15:46:23 GMT

Hi All

Just wondering what you would think if you were in my situation. The last few years my family (which is my S-I-L, (my brother has passed), their two kids, and they each have two kids). I am not married. When we have gotten together for the past several years for holidays my SIL announces "Family Pictures" and calls them all by name. Not one time have they asked me to be included in any. I used to say I wanted pics, but most of the time you could tell they weren't interested. I quit asking. Last year and this year, I did hear from them on my bday (which is in May) but not really any other time except to invite me to the bday parties and they did ask me to the holidays.

I don't know if you remember, but I was in the hospital for 10 days in March and was very, very sick. A few days in Cardiac Int Care.I didn't hear from anyone in my family (I did hear from friends) to ask how I was doing when I was in the hospital and after I got home. I was home for 4 months. I got invited to 4th of July and that is the last time I heard from anyone. Last year the same thing. Didn't hear anything from the 4th of July to Nov when I got a group text for a bday party. I havent heard anything again since July. There has been several cases where the small kids have had medical emergencies but I wasn't told about them. I feel like I am invited only out of obligation. I really don't feel like I should go to any other holidays. I would feel very uncomfortable.

Sorry this got long and hope it makes sense. TIA

cookin

Re: How would this make you feel?

Imaoldhippie — Thu, 17 Oct 2024 15:54:57 GMT

@cookinfreak ................That would tell me that they are really not interested in maintaining a family relationship and just included me out of obligation.

Re: How would this make you feel?

on the bay — Thu, 17 Oct 2024 15:55:34 GMT

I'm so sorry. That is so sad.

I think I would just stick with my friends. People that uplift you and care about you!

Re: How would this make you feel?

Janey2 — Thu, 17 Oct 2024 15:55:38 GMT

I have a question.....are you sure they knew you were in the hospital?

Re: How would this make you feel?

LindaSal — Thu, 17 Oct 2024 15:56:32 GMT

@cookinfreak I'm sorry for your situation. You have to wonder about people sometimes. I don't understand why some don't see their own actions as hurtful. Are you gifting at all these parties because one would wonder if you're invited just to bring a gift since it's birthdays and holidays mostly. If you are not comfortable then I would just stay away. There is nothing worse than feeling unwanted and it's better IMO to go with your gut and not put yourself in that situation. You sound like you have friends that care, maybe spend more time with them?? Take good care of yourself, sadly I think this happens more than we realize.

Re: How would this make you feel?

cookinfreak — Thu, 17 Oct 2024 15:57:07 GMT

@Janey2

Yes. They knew because my boss called my SIL after I called in sick for a few weeks and my SIL came to my house and called 911

cookin

Re: How would this make you feel?

Desertdi — Thu, 17 Oct 2024 15:59:38 GMT

@cookinfreak

Same thing goes for divorcees and widows. NOBODY wants an "extra woman" around. di

Re: How would this make you feel?

JYWilliams — Thu, 17 Oct 2024 16:00:04 GMT

I am so sorry this is happening to you. Relationship with family sometimes for whatever reasons can be difficult. From what your saying it seems to me like your not a part of the family anymore on their end. Not including you in pictures and not checking up on you while in the hospital and once you got home. Not mentioning emergencies with the small kids. I know people are not obligated but when it comes to family you would think there would be some consideration. If you don't feel like you wanna go then I wouldn't do so. Me, Well I'm the type of person that would mention to them how the have really made me feel like I'm an outsider instead of family. But that's just me. Good Luck to you and what ever you decide to do.

Re: How would this make you feel?

Citrine1 — Thu, 17 Oct 2024 16:02:20 GMT

@cookinfreak Cut them off. You don't need people like that in your life and you don't need the aggravation or heartache that comes with them.

It sounds like you have some caring friends. Stick with them.

Re: How would this make you feel?

kindred cats — Thu, 17 Oct 2024 16:06:13 GMT

What @Citrine1 said perfectly, ditto!

I have no family to count on either. They've proved it to me numerous times.

Re: How would this make you feel?

Sweet Kitties — Thu, 17 Oct 2024 16:10:31 GMT

I would feel hurt too. Life's to short to bother with their obligitory parties. Stay with those who care about you.

Re: How would this make you feel?

Lucky Charm — Thu, 17 Oct 2024 16:16:53 GMT

@cookinfreak wrote:
@Janey2
Yes. They knew because my boss called my SIL after I called in sick for a few weeks and my SIL came to my house and called 911
cookin

The fact that your sister in law knew you were ill enough for an ambulance to be called and then no follow-up, no visit? Who does that?

I'll tell you who, an ignorant and uncaring person.

Also, not being included in pictures is very hurtful. Extremely hurtful! That would be the reason I'd never show up for a holiday!

Of course, if you decline or ignore future invites, you may be questioned (or not!) about why. You'd probably have to pour out your heart to them. Which is sad. But it may be very therapeutic for you.

Re: How would this make you feel?

Poohbear52 — Thu, 17 Oct 2024 16:25:35 GMT

I’m so sorry that you are going through this. Family acting that way is very hurtful. I would maybe take the advice from here and get the support you need with your friends group.

Re: How would this make you feel?

lynnie61 — Thu, 17 Oct 2024 16:33:51 GMT

@cookinfreak I'm really sorry that you are in this situation. I have a small family. We do spend holidays together, talk often, but sometimes a bit between visits. I think it is hard at holidays. My sister and I have spouse/partners, but we don't have kids. My sister and BIL, my dad, his lady friend, and my guy (we're not married), are important. I think I would cut the ties. Who does family pictures and leaves someone out? Geez. Very sad. Your SIL came and called 911 but then didn't follow up? Yes, I would be very hurt.

My brothers kids, only called near THEIR birthdays, and near Christmas. Those gifting days are over. Youngest is 24. You have never even called or texted near my birthday.

Holidays are hard. A coworkers family member had passed away, she was divorced. I asked her to come for Christmas a few years ago, she declined, but she was at least invited. I can imagine holidays can be hard for many. You sound like you have some caring friends. Enjoy time with them.

Re: How would this make you feel?

Janey2 — Thu, 17 Oct 2024 16:33:55 GMT

In the hospital for 10 days and your sister in law did not even call you? That would be the reason I would not have anything to do with her. Who does this? She should have gone to see you many times knowing she is the only " family" you have. I would not blame the children as they are following their mother's lead. Although as adults they should know better.
as far as taking pictures without you and you are sitting there is just plain rude. She is obviously a woman without any brains or feelings. I would not waste my time being with these people. Put your energy into your friends who are more caring towards you than your famiy. They are not worth your time.

Re: How would this make you feel?

cookinfreak — Thu, 17 Oct 2024 16:42:19 GMT

Thanks all for the input. You have all pretty much told me what I was thinking. Just wanted confirmation and I wasn't blowing this out of proportion.

@JYWilliams I will tell my SIL what I feel if she calls about Thanksgiving. Would not even be surprised if I don't hear anything.

cookin

Re: How would this make you feel?

We rescue cats — Thu, 17 Oct 2024 16:43:14 GMT

Re: How would this make you feel?

Zoe — Thu, 17 Oct 2024 16:47:35 GMT

None of what you said would make me feel great. Sorry that you are feeling low and often left out.

But I have a hard question to ask...have you had an actual conversation with your SIL about how you feel? It doesn't sound like you have. But the thing about relationships is that it takes two people. You have expressed some expectations of her/them and some disappointments, but maybe you haven't shared that with the actual people who are hurting you (intentionally or otherwise).

My only sibling has also passed, so I understand a bit about your situation. It was only later in life that I met my partner, but I was the solo relative for many, many decades. Yes, I was an obligation to them. Did they intend that? No. They forgot to call me to invite me to one of their children's graduations. Did it hurt? Yeah. Did I tell them that? I sure did (in an appropriate manner). Did they check in with me when I was fighting cancer? Only with the obligatory "glad you're out of the hospital" flowers.

The thing is...life sometimes calls for difficult conversations. Your mind might be spinning, reading a lot into intention and interpreting what might be the case. Take a deep breath and give yourself some reprieve by having the direct conversation. It's fine to say, "You're my family, my only family. I really needed more support when I was sick. Is it too much to ask you to call to check in during those times or visit every so often? I really want to be in touch with you all more often and hear about what's going on in your lives. Not just on holidays." And they may say that it is too much. Or they may say that they didn't realize and that they'll put more effort in.

You don't know until you have the actual conversation.

Re: How would this make you feel?

Janey2 — Thu, 17 Oct 2024 17:05:09 GMT

@Zoe I understand what you are saying BUT if said it sounds like begging for their friendship. I do not want to be with people because they pity me. I want people to ask me to join them because they truly want my company.

it did cross my mind that the poster never mentioned inviting these people over to her house and maybe that has something to do with the problem. But not visiting someone who is in the hospital for 10 days, well there is no excuse for that.

Re: How would this make you feel?

silver Goldie — Thu, 17 Oct 2024 17:05:14 GMT

I hear you. I'm a nobody too to my relatives. Maybe this poem can help::