topic Re: GRANDMA COMPETITION! in Among Friends

GRANDMA COMPETITION!

Newgate — Mon, 18 Apr 2016 02:58:33 GMT

Today my neighbor nextdoor was telling me that she is going through something I remember experiencing when all of my grandchildren were very young! She is a new grandmother and she said the other grandma is also new and is being very competitive about the things she buys for the new baby and how much time she is spending with him! She does not want to compete back because she knows she must share! I told her it would probably wear off as the child gets older! Anyone had that experience?

Re: GRANDMA COMPETITION!

Sooner — Mon, 18 Apr 2016 03:14:35 GMT

Family jealousies end a lot of relationships and marriages. The grandparent who feels this way should back off, mind her own business, and have whatever relationship with the grandkids she can have.

Kids love their grandparents for who they are. It is hard to love an angry, competitive person who starts wanting to be with the child to out-do or spite the other set of grandparents.

It is easy to love a happy, confident grandmother who dishes out love, time, and cookies, hugs and kisses, and thinks you are the most wonderful kid in the world.

I am not a grandparent, but I have seen grandparents that play tug of war with the grandkids and it one of the saddest things I've seen. One upmanship has no business here. Usually one person can buy more stuff than the other one. That's not what being a grandparent is about. Let it go and love the baby.

Re: GRANDMA COMPETITION!

Karnerblue — Mon, 18 Apr 2016 03:23:01 GMT

Not with the grandmother thing, but with other family members ... daughter-in-laws, aunts, etc.

Re: GRANDMA COMPETITION!

Desertdi — Mon, 18 Apr 2016 05:16:51 GMT

Eee gads...........I come from the MOST competitive family you can imagine. Luckily, my job transferred me thousands of miles away from them. I now have only one living relative........and she is STILL "in competition" with me. I personally don't care WHO has the the best house, the most expensive car, the biggest diamond......etc. etc. etc.

Re: GRANDMA COMPETITION!

Big Sister — Mon, 18 Apr 2016 07:49:09 GMT

@Newgate, how sad that she thinks she has to "buy" the child or its mother for their love. She does sound insecure.

Re: GRANDMA COMPETITION!

qualitygal — Mon, 18 Apr 2016 09:59:23 GMT

It's not a competition, as you said. The unique specialness of each person who loves the baby should be celebrated instead. Wait'll they become a teenager. My poor sister knows her time is limited now as to how much time they have for that person. As a great aunt, that's once removed from that.

Re: GRANDMA COMPETITION!

gmkb — Mon, 18 Apr 2016 12:22:07 GMT

There is no competition. Each grandparent responds to the child in a way that makes them comfortable. Just as adults have more rapport with some, so will the child. My husband shows up with nothing in hand for the children, yet my grandson thinks he is beyond perfect because they click at a deeper level. My advice to your neighbor is be yourself, don't compete, and the child will accept you at face value.

Re: GRANDMA COMPETITION!

Perkup — Mon, 18 Apr 2016 13:54:38 GMT

Yes, it is a compeetition in many ways. And Grandmothers do compete with each other for the baby's "affection". I've seen it with my chldren over and over. It was awkward for me as their Mom. Each would show up with gifts or yummies in the hope of getting more attention from the little ones. Often things that I as their Mother didn't want or feel that the children needed.

I appreciate the man mentioned above who came with nothing but his open arms for his grandson - just goes to show that what children really need is love to fill their hearts with joy. Not toys to fill their rooms.

Re: GRANDMA COMPETITION!

Still Raining — Mon, 18 Apr 2016 13:54:40 GMT

This could say more about your neighbor's insecurities than about the other grandma. Why would she care what else is bought for the kids? In our family the parents and both sets of grandparents usually coordinate for big gift occasions just so we don't buy the same thing.

Re: GRANDMA COMPETITION!

chrystaltree — Mon, 18 Apr 2016 17:20:53 GMT

I'm not a grandmother yet but I had grandmothers and my friends and my sister are grandmothers and I think the competition between the grandmother never ends. Even when the grandmothers are friends, there is always competition to be the most loved. I think it's natural, just a part of being human. I also think that the mother's mom, always has the upper hand. Mothers are the greatest influence in a childs life and if she is close to her mother, then her mom is predominant grandmother. I think your friend sees it as competition but that's because she's the one looking in from the outside. She thinks the other grandmother is consciously cuttig her out but she probably isn't doing that at all. She needs to be very careful about what she says and how she reacts. Rather than focusing on the other grandmother, she should just focus on loving the child and bonding with the child and being the best grandmother she can possibly. If she shows signs of resentment or anger or jealosy now, she'll create a family problem only lead to problems down the line. Problems that will go on for decades.

Re: GRANDMA COMPETITION!

RedTop — Mon, 18 Apr 2016 18:09:47 GMT

I have good friends who are dealing with this, due to the fact they are not in the same state with their grandchildren, but are viewed as the "wealthier" grandparents because they are younger, and still working. My friends have dealt with this for so long now they seem to have gotten over it.

Re: GRANDMA COMPETITION!

LilacTree — Mon, 18 Apr 2016 18:27:12 GMT

I never had the problem. There were three other grandmothers. Of those one was already quite old and unwell. She was sweet though the few times I saw her. After her husband died, she had to go to a nursing home and died a few years later. It was very sad.

The other two lived thousands of miles away and never had much interest. One did send money occasionally, as she was well off.

Re: GRANDMA COMPETITION!

Cakers3 — Mon, 18 Apr 2016 20:15:45 GMT

@Newgate wrote:
Today my neighbor nextdoor was telling me that she is going through something I remember experiencing when all of my grandchildren were very young! She is a new grandmother and she said the other grandma is also new and is being very competitive about the things she buys for the new baby and how much time she is spending with him! She does not want to compete back because she knows she must share! I told her it would probably wear off as the child gets older! Anyone had that experience?

@Newgate Maybe the other grandmother views your neighbor the same way.

Re: GRANDMA COMPETITION!

Sooner — Tue, 19 Apr 2016 15:39:56 GMT

Have you ever heard grandfathers complain about this? I haven't. I have a suspicion isn't so much about the kid's affections as it is just two women both of whom want to be the most important. Another side of the MIL/DIL war that starts when mom won't hear to being second in line in her little boy's life. I have seen that battle kill off a LOT of marriages. How sad. Isn't there room for everyone?

Re: GRANDMA COMPETITION!

cecesnana — Tue, 19 Apr 2016 18:56:04 GMT

How sad @Newgate. We have one granddaughter our Cece and I guess we're blessed everybody in the family feels like her advocate and there's plenty of love to go around. Competition divides love it doesn't multiply it.

Re: GRANDMA COMPETITION!

TX-starlight — Wed, 20 Apr 2016 04:45:40 GMT

Hmm, I have just the opposite in our family. My (3) g-kids other g-parents never do anything for them. We all live within 20 miles of each other. They rarely attend sporting events of the kids-I never miss 1. It irritates me that they don't make the effort to do more for the kids. Maybe I am more "hands on" g-mother, lol, they are my life!!

Re: GRANDMA COMPETITION!

Sooner — Wed, 20 Apr 2016 23:31:44 GMT

@TX-starlight wrote:
Hmm, I have just the opposite in our family. My (3) g-kids other g-parents never do anything for them. We all live within 20 miles of each other. They rarely attend sporting events of the kids-I never miss 1. It irritates me that they don't make the effort to do more for the kids. Maybe I am more "hands on" g-mother, lol, they are my life!!

Things have really changed since I was a kid. I see all this grandparents running around to kids soccer games now and I wonder why. Does little Johnny need an audience for every game? My grandparents had little involvement with my events or school activities, but lots of involvement with me when I visited or they visited us.

But they didn't chase around after my "events" at all. I never expected they would. To me that was my parents' deal. I guess it depends on how each family operates.

Re: GRANDMA COMPETITION!

TX-starlight — Thu, 21 Apr 2016 01:35:50 GMT

I believe it builds confidence for kids to know someone is there cheering them on. As long as I able to walk, I plan to be at EVERY function they are in. It's called SUPPORT.

Re: GRANDMA COMPETITION!

Susan in California — Thu, 21 Apr 2016 05:19:54 GMT

@Sooner

Wow!!! I am a grandmother, and you are absolutely right!

Re: GRANDMA COMPETITION!

LilacTree — Sun, 24 Apr 2016 14:10:43 GMT

When my two youngest granddaughters called me "regular grandma," their other grandmother had a real snit because they called her "Grandma Florida." It wasn't their fault that she decided to live on the beach in the Florida Keys and came up once a year to see them. She no longer comes now that they are teens.

If one wants to be a grandma, especially the preferred one, one has to put forth a little more effort than that.