topic Re: Would you tell a friend....? in Among Friends

Would you tell a friend....?

Sunnyfield — Fri, 15 Apr 2016 16:23:55 GMT

Looking for opinions....

I have a very dear friend who has been dealing with a "difficult" family member for years...the "difficult" person is one of those people who over time manages to alienate everyone to differing degrees with her demanding, hyper critical personality.

My lovely friend is now starting to accept that her famly member will never change and the best way to deal with her is to limit contact as much as she can.

My friend and the family member have a mutual friend who has recently told my friend some very mean things the family member has said about my friend. These thigs have hurt and angered my friend.

I know this is sort of convoluted, but hope you all understand.

My question is....if someone says something mean or even slightly critical about a mutual friend, do you tell the other friend what was said? I see not reason to do this and feel that it is just "stirring the pot" in the above situation. I think it is hurtful.

Just wondering what you ladies think...let me add that I am really not involved in the situation directly, I am just wondering why a "friend' would repeat hurtful things....

Re: Would you tell a friend....?

millieshops — Fri, 15 Apr 2016 16:40:13 GMT

I knew I was finally fairly adult when I learned that some stories are not mine to tell - doesn't matter whether the story is good or bad. It's not mine.

Re: Would you tell a friend....?

2blonde — Fri, 15 Apr 2016 16:43:39 GMT

I totally agree with your perceptions. This other "friend" probably gets a charge out of getting reactions from people. There are lots of people like that, unfortunately. If I had been told bad things about a person like that, I would do my best to zip my lip (not easy for me!). Why cause hurt, or add more hurt to someone you care about?

Re: Would you tell a friend....?

3cupcakes — Fri, 15 Apr 2016 16:50:04 GMT

@Sunnyfield Yes, that person reporting back all the awful stories sure is a pot stirrer......w/a really big spoon.

Re: Would you tell a friend....?

nunya — Fri, 15 Apr 2016 17:07:42 GMT

No, there is no reason to tell them.

Re: Would you tell a friend....?

Moonchilde — Fri, 15 Apr 2016 17:12:28 GMT

I think it depends on the details of exactly what was said. Routine bi***hy nastiness doesn't need to be passed on, but there might be some things people might really want to know were said about them. And sometimes it's a judgment call - I would want to know this if I were her, but would SHE want to know?

Re: Would you tell a friend....?

Goldengate8361 — Fri, 15 Apr 2016 17:12:37 GMT

No, such talk should not be communicated again. It should be dropped immediately.

Re: Would you tell a friend....?

ChynnaBlue — Fri, 15 Apr 2016 17:19:46 GMT

The "mutual friend" is really no one's friend and YOUR friend should probably break off contact with that person. She or he is not looking out for anyone but herself/himself.

Re: Would you tell a friend....?

riley1 — Fri, 15 Apr 2016 17:38:34 GMT

The "friend" isn't really a friend - she should have kept quiet and seems no better than the relative that said those things. JMO

Re: Would you tell a friend....?

Mactective — Fri, 15 Apr 2016 19:27:08 GMT

It sounds very much like this person has some mental health issues. And while it can be very draining and maddening to deal with these folks, often they are the people that need our compassion and caring the most. Confronting them, reacting in anger, etc. usually does more harm than good. My advice is to either completely ignore the person or respond in a very neutral way if contact cannot be avoided.

If the person has the energy to do so, it could be life saving to keep contact (with proper boundaries) and let this person know they are not alone. It is very likely that this person has few, if any contacts or supports left. They may really need someone to care about them.

That being said, I do understand if they simply can't because they have been too hurt or just no longer have the energy to deal with everything that is going on. Unfortunately, that is what happens with many of these folks and they end up very alone and in some very sad situations.

Re: Would you tell a friend....?

Vivian — Fri, 15 Apr 2016 20:36:17 GMT

I learned quite some time ago to think long and hard about what good or what harm could be done by passing along certain information...both at work and in personal relationships. I would never tell anyone I care about that someone else had bad things to say about them. Only harm can be done in such situations....to all involved.

Re: Would you tell a friend....?

Ms X — Fri, 15 Apr 2016 21:27:04 GMT

If it's a good friend, I'd tell her. She needs to know what her family member is up to. I grew up with an older sister who said terrible things about me behind my back in high school and even forbade her friends to speak to me in her presence at times. We get along on the surface, but to some extent she is a sick puppy. Even a classmate I wasn't particularly close to told me once that she spent her whole lunch hour running me down. He sat at her table and was quite shocked by it. Other friends told me things as well.

I was glad to know about this and not be the only one who didn't know. I never talked behind her back because I just wasn't thinking about her. It is important for a family member to know what's going on when there's a relative gunning for them 24/7. She is a very competitive, insecure individual but is not all bad.

Re: Would you tell a friend....?

hckynut — Fri, 15 Apr 2016 20:49:59 GMT

My motto is MYOB unless asked by my friend for my input. Don't know why anyone would want to give a friend 3rd hand information that may have never been said.

hckynut(john)

Re: Would you tell a friend....?

chrystaltree — Fri, 15 Apr 2016 20:51:57 GMT

This question only makes sense if you are 12 years old.....lol Why bother asking such an obvious question. You the answer. A true friend, something that person was NOT, doesn't reapeat nasty, hurtful comments. It is indeed "stirring te pot". It serves no purpose except to hurt another person. Some people just like to cause trouble. They wishper nasties to one and then to the other and then they sit back and wait for the fireworks. Most of us know at least one person who does that sort of thing.

Re: Would you tell a friend....?

Ms X — Fri, 15 Apr 2016 20:59:10 GMT

It is imperative that a person know if a "friend" or family member is seriously going after them behind their back. I was grateful to have learned the many things my sister was up to over a period of years. I shudder to think about what I didn't hear about. It is information that has helped me with my relationship with her over the years. I know what she is and what she is not. That's important.

Re: Would you tell a friend....?

hckynut — Fri, 15 Apr 2016 21:45:27 GMT

@Ms X wrote:
It is imperative that a person know if a "friend" or family member is seriously going after them behind their back. I was grateful to have learned the many things my sister was up to over a period of years. I shudder to think about what I didn't hear about. It is information that has helped me with my relationship with her over the years. I know what she is and what she is not. That's important.

@MS X

Sure glad I don't have to worry about what my 2 older sisters are saying about me. All 3 of us are the same, if we have something to say to/about each other? No behind the back nonsense, we talk face to face.

Sure, we have had differences, but did not have to include a 3rd or 4th party to resolve them. As I have said here before, "guess our bringin up was different than yours". And for that I thank our mother.

hckynut(john)

Re: Would you tell a friend....?

gailcoco — Fri, 15 Apr 2016 21:54:14 GMT

This question is right up my alley. This 'so called friend' should not be trusted. I am in a similar situation. I work for my sister and while I was off on sick leave, one of my co-workers told her about stuff I supposedly said about my sister and her family. But, I have never said ANYTHING bad about my family - especially to a co-worker.

This co-worker acts very friendly to your face and then turns around and bad mouths you to other people. She is busy playing up to my sister to get raises - and it's working.

So, because of this, my sister and I no longer have a relationship. I am stuck trying to be civil to this co-worker and be civil to my sister. The thing that really bugs me is that my sister believes this lying B@@#h. She had known me all her life whereas this co-worker has only been here 6 years!

I don't think I can ever forgive my sister and I know I will never forgive or forget my co-worker.

So to answer your question, the friend should not be spreading gossip because who knows if it is really true. You have to look at the motivations.

Re: Would you tell a friend....?

Ms X — Fri, 15 Apr 2016 22:54:24 GMT

@hckynut wrote:
@Ms X wrote:
It is imperative that a person know if a "friend" or family member is seriously going after them behind their back. I was grateful to have learned the many things my sister was up to over a period of years. I shudder to think about what I didn't hear about. It is information that has helped me with my relationship with her over the years. I know what she is and what she is not. That's important.

@MS X

Sure glad I don't have to worry about what my 2 older sisters are saying about me. All 3 of us are the same, if we have something to say to/about each other? No behind the back nonsense, we talk face to face.

Sure, we have had differences, but did not have to include a 3rd or 4th party to resolve them. As I have said here before, "guess our bringin up was different than yours". And for that I thank our mother.

hckynut(john)

Well, hcknut, I've illustrated why it is the right thing for a good friend to pass on this info. It was not a matter of differences between my sister and me but of sabotage on her part. She is still like this as an adult. I did absolutely nothing to bring all this back-stabbing on, which was obvious to all concerned. This information has been invaluable because it has helped me to put other events over the years into perspective. I do not trust her, nor should I. Most recently, she has been tasked with telling me when my father was in the hospital. She did not and led my mother to believe that she had and that I just never showed up.

I cannot control what she does and am certainly not responsible for her psycho behavior. As for upbringing, I am not like her and we grew up in the same house. It is a matter of a person's character. I am about to call this individual right now because we have made plans. We can get along reasonably, but I'm so glad friends and acquaintances were good enough to pass vital information on to me. One must know what one is dealing with. OP's friend who got the info should be similarly thankful. It is likely this is part of a pattern of behavior against OP's friend.

Re: Would you tell a friend....?

Sunnyfield — Fri, 15 Apr 2016 22:32:05 GMT

@chrystaltree

I asked the question because I really wanted to know if others felt the same way...I'm aways iinterested in other viewpoints....and I'm not 12 years old....

Re: Would you tell a friend....?

Noel7 — Fri, 15 Apr 2016 22:34:32 GMT

Routine nastiness? No, I wouldn't pass it on.

A big lie? Probably yes, if it was something that could really damage her reputation... like saying she had been fired from her job for embezzling funds when no such thing had happened.