topic Re: Divorce Advice in Among Friends

Divorce Advice

Allthingsgirly67 — Wed, 27 Sep 2023 14:25:34 GMT

I am currently married and in the past twenty years I was never a priority to my husband. After 7 years of marriage I got an engagement ring but the stone was a cubic zirconia. Also the past 16 years his mother has been living with us and she is very ignorant and is a massive hoarder. She is self centered and ego centric although she does cook and clean as that is all she can do. She has never helped with the bills(she is 73). I was responsible for my husband getting a college degree it was me who got us a co-op and then a house. When I met him, he and his mother lived in two rooms in a house in a bad neighborhood. 6 months after moving into the house he asked for a divorce and stopped being intimate with me. After 4 years I mustered up the courage to ask why? His response was that I “don’t cook or clean” but what is the point if she cleans and occasionally cleans. He claims I use “his money “. I used to be the main breadwinner and then he became the breadwinner. He bought himself a fairly new car while I am driving a 13 year old car. He also went with our two children on vacation but didn’t bring me because “I don’t deserve it “. He became emotionally, verbally, financially and then physical. He choked me the first time and then smothered me the second. Called cops was arrested and got out on a technicality. No I don’t have faith in the justice system. He thinks we will sell the house when my daughter graduates in two years but I hate staying in my room all the time and it’s a very fractured relationship with all of us. I want to file for divorce after the holidays but should I do it now? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Sorry this is long but this is the abbreviated version.

Re: Divorce Advice

QVCkitty1 — Wed, 27 Sep 2023 14:34:11 GMT

Why wait ?

Re: Divorce Advice

Mindy D — Thu, 28 Sep 2023 02:22:39 GMT

@Allthingsgirly67 @Speak with an attorney now. You don't have to stay with that attorney, but you need advice ASAP. It's a consultation. You need help now. Don't tell your husband anything about speaking with an attorney. You need to find out how you can best leave ASAP for your own safety. Make an appointment. You'll be told how to handle things so you are safe and have things work to your advantage.

Re: Divorce Advice

SilleeMee — Wed, 27 Sep 2023 14:36:27 GMT

If it was me I would take my case to a divorce counselor. Most people on this forum are not that.

Re: Divorce Advice

Snowpuppy — Wed, 27 Sep 2023 14:37:53 GMT

Can you support yourself? Do you have skills to re-enter the workforce? Are you retired or on disability? Is it enough to live on? Do you have a nest egg to care for your own needs?

Some jurisdictions you can wait months before a court date for even a temporary support hearing. Are his wages easily garnished?

Find some support or counseling for yourself. A local community college may offer Womens Reentry program services at little to no cost.

Going on vacation with an abuser is never a good idea.

Re: Divorce Advice

gidgetgh — Wed, 27 Sep 2023 14:39:04 GMT

OP, we can't advise you as you are the one dealing with the situation, not us. I feel for you.

Me personally? I would have been gone years and years and years ago.

Re: Divorce Advice

NicksmomESQ — Wed, 27 Sep 2023 14:40:16 GMT

Your story saddens me. Why would you stay with a man who has never treated you with the love & respect you deserve?

I would leave as soon as possible. There are places you can go for help. You have taken enough abuse. I'm afraid for your life & well being.

You are stronger than you think.

Re: Divorce Advice

Travone — Wed, 27 Sep 2023 14:41:30 GMT

I would do all I can to get out of that situation now. If he is physically abusive you may not be around for the holidays.

Re: Divorce Advice

lgfan — Wed, 27 Sep 2023 14:53:32 GMT

Is there a family member or friend that you can stay with if you were to leave your husband? Before you leave him make sure that you have a place to go or the funds to support yourself. Even though he is abusive it is more dangerous to be homeless or jumping from one place to the next without a secure place to live.

Re: Divorce Advice

Scooby Doo — Wed, 27 Sep 2023 14:54:20 GMT

I would have done it 20 years ago and not wasted my life.

You should get some counseling immediately, both legal and emotionally.

Nobody deserves this kind of abuse and you should have enough respect for yourself to not allow it.

Re: Divorce Advice

smb3 — Wed, 27 Sep 2023 14:54:58 GMT

There are things that you have to think about: Can you live on your own/do you have any money to do so? You can always find a shelter for women. Do you have funds for a divorce lawyer because it can be costly, unless you can find one that is low cost, etc. Since he has been abusive, I fear that he will follow you, etc., so you have to think this through carefully. A man that has been mentally, verbally and physically abusive is not someone who will take this lightly.

You deserve better!

Re: Divorce Advice

Janey2 — Wed, 27 Sep 2023 14:57:46 GMT

@Allthingsgirly67 Who owns the house you are living in?

Re: Divorce Advice

manny2 — Wed, 27 Sep 2023 15:07:52 GMT

OK, so this is complicated. First don’t leave without a plan. Make sure you are safe before leaving. He has already been physically abusive. You never know how far he will go if you threaten to leave.

You need to network. People you can trust and a safe place to go.

Please have all of this in place before you leave.

If you aren’t sure of how to do this call the national abuse hotline, they will guide you.

Re: Divorce Advice

Carmie — Wed, 27 Sep 2023 15:03:57 GMT

Consult a divorce attorney now. They can advise you of what plans you need to make in order to get a divorce and not lose the shirt off of your back and not have him hide assets from you.

It sounds like the marriage was over a long time ago. You deserve better.

I would not give your husband or children a " heads up." Put your plans into place, then leave. It is safer that way.

Violent people do not like when you confront them....so don't. Do it quietly.

Re: Divorce Advice

wagirl — Wed, 27 Sep 2023 15:16:50 GMT

@Allthingsgirly67 --THE very first thing you NEED to do, is get a lawyer!!! right NOW!!! You can usually talk for free the first time before you commit to their services. Tell them what you said here. Find one that deals soley with divorce and better yet, with womens divorce. Talking is free but you have to be prepared to bare your sole to them.The money thing is a SOB--I spent probably $30.000 on my divorce from 2021-2022 and it took about a year for the divorce to be done--and I didn't have any kids so there is that issue--- But don't worry about that part right now, after all the proceeds are dispensed, you'll probaby have the $$ to pay for this.--you have to get things rolling. One of the frst things they will ask is--are you and your daughter safe? Also since he has a been involved with the police, the lawyers need to know that. Document everything by photo. the lawyers will see to it that you get 1/2 of everything including his pensions and social security. This will be the hardest thing you will ever do--Start today !!!! good luck!!

Re: Divorce Advice

Somertime — Wed, 27 Sep 2023 15:32:54 GMT

@Allthingsgirly67 You need legal advice, a safe haven to live (abused woman's shelter). Once you get legal advice and a safe haven, next stop is the bank. If your bank accounts are in joint names, you are legally entitled to withdraw monies. How much is up to you......half or all but do this the day you leave on your way to your safe haven. If you do withdraw, make sure you get a decent amount of cash besides a check, then go to a bank and deposit the check. Since it will be a new account, the check will be held for 10 days before you can use the money deposited. Do not use any of your credit cards because they are more than likely his account and you are only an authorized user, so he will be able to track where you go. Get a new cell phone with a new cell phone number, if you keep the old one make sure the tracking or location services are turned off but make sure they are turned on in the new phone.

I wish you safety, happiness and a life you will enjoy.

Re: Divorce Advice

Marp — Wed, 27 Sep 2023 15:20:07 GMT

You have already waited too long.

Re: Divorce Advice

Effie54 — Wed, 27 Sep 2023 15:22:33 GMT

Good grief, why wait?! No circumstances justify waiting another minute. I would live in a cardboard box if I had to, to get as far as I could from him. Once an abuser, always an abuser. Choking? Hitting? What is inside you that says it's okay? Run!

Re: Divorce Advice

wagirl — Thu, 28 Sep 2023 14:32:33 GMT

I have read thru this and I have to say that until anyone actually is facing what OP is going thru, they have NO idea, how traumatizing divorce is. So saying YOU wouldn't have waited so long or how could YOU stay so long, makes it sound like the OP is at fault---she is not !!!! I stayed in a crappy marriage for 47 years---there are MANY things that I had to consider before I got a divorce and I am offended by many of the very belittling comments here. You should know--all marriages and divorces are unique---so show some empathy instead of sounding so high and mighty!!!

Re: Divorce Advice

manny2 — Wed, 27 Sep 2023 15:26:37 GMT

Part of your plan should be to take some of that money and tuck it away. Withdraw what you can, and don’t worry about the lawyer or the house right now. Get to a safe place and then you can sort out the rest.

Never assume the physical violence won’t escalate. This type of relationship is progressive. The violence can and does escalate when the perpetrator feels threatened.