topic Re: Friend not coping well... in Among Friends

Friend not coping well...

Mom2Dogs — Fri, 07 Jul 2023 20:53:26 GMT

I have a longtime girl friend she is 68 years old, never married and has no children.

Last year was tough for her, she lost her job and had a health issue. Fast forward to about 10 months later...she is a hot mess. Her health did improve but she still has no job. She will not take just any job...she wants the job she wants.

She has two sisters that she is relatively close to and me...we all run around together. It has gotten to the point that we no longer know what to say to her as far as trying to help her over the hump of not working and being home a lot.

Any suggestion we give she shoots down...I don't want to look back and think of my self as not being a good supportive friend to her but oh my, it is tough.

She cannot stand to be home more than 1 day before she is wanting to go somewhere, anywhere, to the point of inviting herself to tag along if she knows one of us is going somewhere.

She has always been very independent and took no 'guff' off anyone... we are just very surprised about how she is handling things in her life. I think she is depressed, she is tired, anxious and very irrtable.

I realize no one can tell me how to 'fix' this... I guess I am just venting.

I realize going from working full time to not working at all is a big deal. Financially she is ok...

Re: Friend not coping well...

RetRN — Fri, 07 Jul 2023 20:57:26 GMT

The people I know who are 68 are retired and loving life. If she thinks she is going to find her dream job at this stage of life I think she needs an attitude adjustment. She will only continue to be miserable if she doesn't face reality.

Re: Friend not coping well...

Mom2Dogs — Fri, 07 Jul 2023 21:00:17 GMT

@RetRN I agree..she seemed to think when looking for work that she should get the same hourly wage she had been receiving before she lost her job (which she loved, but covid made it difficult for the business to stay open). Her job was her life.

Re: Friend not coping well...

On It — Fri, 07 Jul 2023 21:03:07 GMT

I wonder if her job skills could be compatible to a volunteer role. Maybe she is missing her work family, and it needs to be replaced with a new one.

I agree that she will have difficulty finding her dream job or for that matter any job at 68.

Re: Friend not coping well...

Kachina624 — Fri, 07 Jul 2023 21:03:15 GMT

Why doesn't she retire and file for SS Benefits at her age? Then maybe she could work part-time doing something fun.

People just don't hire 68 year olds for high powered career positions.

Re: Friend not coping well...

RetRN — Fri, 07 Jul 2023 21:05:39 GMT

I loved my career, but it was never my life. That is unhealthy and she will now suffer the consequences of that choice. You may have to pull away from her at times and not get dragged into her bitterness.

Re: Friend not coping well...

ninjawife — Fri, 07 Jul 2023 21:06:06 GMT

It must very hard for someone her age to find a job. Employers must think she will be ready to retire soon and are looking for long term employees. I recently quit my current job because I did not agree with the policies of administration and I was not treated with respect. I could have retired as I am finanically able to but I was just not ready to retire at my age - 55. So I understand wanting to work but if she is not finding what she is looking for there comes a time to move on and make another plan. She could use her working skills to volunteer for an organization that would appreciate her skills if she really wants to be "working". Of course there are tons of other things she could do as well which I am sure you have suggested.

Re: Friend not coping well...

Mom2Dogs — Fri, 07 Jul 2023 21:17:51 GMT

@Kachina624 She is collecting SS. She is looking for part time, but wants what she wants. This is a small area, there are not a lot of jobs to be had especially a 'fun' job, and volunteering is not something she will do.

Re: Friend not coping well...

NEvans2 — Fri, 07 Jul 2023 21:27:31 GMT

@Mom2Dogs I have to agree with @RetRN . I am 68 years, retired since I was 62, and loving life. Your friend is being delusional if she thinks she can get a high paying job at this stage of her life. If she's that bored and money isn't an issue, she should volunteer somewhere. Apparently she doesn't like her own company. I'm perfectly content spending time by myself. My husband still works, so he's gone a good part of the day.

Maybe she should talk to a professional therapist. JMO

Re: Friend not coping well...

KathyM23 — Fri, 07 Jul 2023 21:28:23 GMT

At age 68 she will most likely never find the "perfect" job that suits her. Since she is OK financially perhaps she can volunteer somewhere so she would be around people. Or join the Senior Center for activities that interest her. Dances, swimming, cards, crafts. lunches, trips - all kind of things are available at Senior Centers. A good way to meet people with your interests.

Seems like her major problem may be that she is lonely after having been around people during her working life. Never being married ithout a family life at home, her life consisted with working and that is where she got her "family" fix. She needs to do something to be around more people for her mood to change IMO.

Re: Friend not coping well...

Franell — Fri, 07 Jul 2023 21:28:38 GMT

Volunteering is a great suggestion. Or perhaps she could get a pet. Or maybe she could take a trip. Would she be willing to see a therapist to help her sort things out?Cudos to you for standing by while your friend is going through a difficult time.

Re: Friend not coping well...

kaydee50 — Fri, 07 Jul 2023 21:40:24 GMT

So sad that her work was her life. She's lucky to have sisters and a good friend. As someone else suggested, she needs a therapist to make her face reality. She has a lot going for her, financially and physically OK but living in the past is unhealthy.

Good luck to all concerned.

Re: Friend not coping well...

kindred cats — Fri, 07 Jul 2023 21:53:24 GMT

A good friend is one that will not varnish the TRUTH.

She may appreciate some frank talk with or without a therapist. Some of them are worthless.

Re: Friend not coping well...

ThinkingOutLoud — Fri, 07 Jul 2023 22:00:38 GMT

I also was going to suggest volunteering. You mentioned she's not willing to do that (smh) so have her tag along with you to do random acts of kindness, service projects, etc. Maybe she just needs to see how rewarding that can be.

While making conversation on the drive there, drop hints/mention some truths: there's more to life than making money, we're here to serve others, not increase our bank accounts, no one on their deathbed ever regretted spending more time at work, etc.

Also, sometimes people start out as a volunteer but when people see their skills, etc they're offered a paying position.

Hope she gets out of her own way soon.

Re: Friend not coping well...

Mom2Dogs — Fri, 07 Jul 2023 22:00:55 GMT

@Franell She does have a cat. I doubt she thinks she needs a therapist....

Her argument many times is she is alone..both her sisters have kids, one sister lost her husband suddenly years ago. I never heard my friend complain and whine 'woe is me' when her husband literally dropped dead several years ago. Talk about a shock!

I have a spouse no kids, and I do understand that 'someone' else in the house is better than being alone (as long as you are in a happy mariage).

My husband is quite a bit older than me...and I may be faced with being all alone some day as well...trying really hard to not get upset with her.

Re: Friend not coping well...

ThinkingOutLoud — Fri, 07 Jul 2023 22:09:24 GMT

Oh - one benefit of volunteering/service - you see that others have it worse which makes you more grateful for your own circumstances. Sounds like she could use a dose or two of this.

Re: Friend not coping well...

haddon9 — Fri, 07 Jul 2023 22:19:50 GMT

@KathyM23 wrote:
At age 68 she will most likely never find the "perfect" job that suits her. Since she is OK financially perhaps she can volunteer somewhere so she would be around people. Or join the Senior Center for activities that interest her. Dances, swimming, cards, crafts. lunches, trips - all kind of things are available at Senior Centers. A good way to meet people with your interests.

Seems like her major problem may be that she is lonely after having been around people during her working life. Never being married ithout a family life at home, her life consisted with working and that is where she got her "family" fix. She needs to do something to be around more people for her mood to change IMO.

I agree that she sounds like she is bored and lonely. It seems that many suggest volunteering but it might not be for her.

Does she have any particular hobbies or is open to trying out some new ones? Maybe a local art center for interesting adult art or craft classes or a community college which might have adult enrichment classes. Maybe an interesting cooking class or travel. A local travel group through a senior center.

I know of a family friend who is an 80 year old woman who is single with no children. She worked full time up until two years ago but travels the world. She goes on 6 trips a year on average. She found a travel buddy who is another woman in a similar situation. They have their trips to look forward to.

She needs to find a passion which is not another full time job.

ETA: What about a local over 55 community? Would she like living in one? My brother who lost his spouse in February is 65 and is about to retire. He lives in St. Louis but wants to move up near me.

We found a lovely 55 community with a mix of ages (55 and up) and he has been trying to get a home there. Everyone seems friendly with a lot of activites going on. He just put an offer on one of the homes but they are having an open house tomorrow....fingers crossed that his offer is accepted!

Re: Friend not coping well...

Lilysmom1 — Sat, 08 Jul 2023 07:30:58 GMT

@Mom2Dogs , I am the same age as your friend. I am married, no children. I had a very demanding and rewarding career. When I retired I had bit of an adjustment. It took me about a year to settle into a new life style. Then I build my retirement home, found some hobbies I love and became very engaged in volunteer activity in my community.

My job was so demanding and had so much travel that my home time was really needed to rest up so I never had time to really develop local friendships. That all changed when I retired and I have met some really special friends,

Don't give up on your friend. She will eventually understand her new reality and adjust. Then things will settle down again. Good friends are important especially at this time of life.

Sending you hugs as you help your friend understand her new life is going to be very different but can be just as rewarding. In fact, so far this is the best time of my life. Hopefully the light goes on for her soon!!! LM

Re: Friend not coping well...

jannabelle1 — Fri, 07 Jul 2023 22:24:49 GMT

After more than 10 months it may be time to say enough is enough. I doubt you'll ever be able to convince her that what she expects is just not achievable. We all know that not one business is going to hire a 68 year old with a high salary unless they have a specific opening for a job requiring the skills she brings from her last job.

It's all up to her to face reality, and it seems to me that you've been trying to help her do that for almost a year. She apparently has a closed mind to what her friends and sisters are telling her! If this was my friend I would no longer let her take advantage of me just because she doesn't want to be by herself. You are not her babysitter. Best of luck to you!

Re: Friend not coping well...

Daisy Sunflower — Fri, 07 Jul 2023 22:36:28 GMT

Suggest some hobbies she might like.

Also, if she's active, tell her she could start an exercise routine -- such as walking or biking.