topic Re: Am I being too over sensitive? in Among Friends

Am I being too over sensitive?

frenchie — Fri, 16 Jun 2023 22:27:22 GMT

My brother in law passed away a week ago. He has two brothers, my hubby and one other. Small family, he has no children. His nieces and nephews were mentioned in the obituary but not me. Not like I'm new, been married for 61 years. I felt it.

Re: Am I being too over sensitive?

newjerseygirl — Fri, 16 Jun 2023 22:31:44 GMT

@frenchie I don't think you are being too sensitive. You should have been mentioned.

I would feel left out if that happened to me.

Who made the arrangements? Who gave the information for the obituary?

Re: Am I being too over sensitive?

Venezia — Fri, 16 Jun 2023 22:32:55 GMT

@frenchie wrote:
My brother in law passed away a week ago. He has two brothers, my hubby and one other. Small family, he has no children. His nieces and nephews were mentioned in the obituary but not me. Not like I'm new, been married for 61 years. I felt it.

That's unusual for a spouse not to be mentioned (I assume your DH was), but it might be that whoever wrote the obit simply wasn't aware of protocol.

If you feel comfortable asking, it might put your mind at ease. If not, you'll just have to let it go. Are your family relations okay otherwise?

Re: Am I being too over sensitive?

sandy53 — Fri, 16 Jun 2023 22:35:36 GMT

I think that is the fault of the funeral home. In our area it is normal to list spouses of siblings, usually in parentheses after the name of the sibling. The family should be asked to provide the names and the funeral home usually writes it. I wouldn't blame the family because they are too busy or distraught to have to proof read something.

Re: Am I being too over sensitive?

hckynutjohn — Fri, 16 Jun 2023 22:37:31 GMT

(thread title)

@frenchie

To answer your question! I can only speak for myself. Me being left out of an obit for an in-law would not bother me.

hckynut 🇺🇸

Re: Am I being too over sensitive?

Goodie2shoes — Fri, 16 Jun 2023 22:37:50 GMT

First of all congratulations on 61 yrs of marriage ! What a blessing since many marriages don't last long nowadays ! I do understand your feeling re being left out of the obituary, you are family. However, it's over and done, don't allow it to cause a family feud, forgive and move on. My sympathy to you and your family, God bless !

Re: Am I being too over sensitive?

Carmie — Sat, 17 Jun 2023 02:45:33 GMT

I don't think you're too sensitive. Some people just don't use their heads and do and say stupid things especially when they are grieving.

The funeral director should have done a better job when he/she gathered info for the obit or maybe the funeral director made an error.

My MIL was in a nursing home for years. She had three sons and a daughter. I was the only one who would go and pick her up and take her to church...different religion than mine. Also, I took her mother and daughter dinners at church, etc. She was in a wheelchair and had dementia.

She joined us in our home on holidays....I treated her like I would my own mother, even though she was a bitter pill at times.

I was there with my husband and his one brother when she passed. After her funeral, her only daughter thanked me for treating her so well even through I wasn't family.

That was a double edge sword and a slap in the face. I don't know why she would say such a thing...hopefully, it was because she wasn't thinking.

I felt hurt and will never forget it, but I have tried not to hold those words against her.

Sometimes people do and say stupid things. I would let it go.

Another thing, anytime I am mentioned in a family obit, my first name is spelled incorrectly....that irks me.

Re: Am I being too over sensitive?

frenchie — Fri, 16 Jun 2023 22:48:47 GMT

@newjerseygirl wrote:
@frenchie I don't think you are being too sensitive. You should have been mentioned.
I would feel left out if that happened to me.

Who made the arrangements? Who gave the information for the obituary?

I believe a nephew did. I am his aunt. I know he knows I'm still alive.

Re: Am I being too over sensitive?

DREAMON — Fri, 16 Jun 2023 22:49:10 GMT

I too would feel hurt but maybe the person really didn't know better.

Don't feel bad ...my FIL was adopted at birth and never referred to as adopted by his siblings for 80 years. They always said "My brother".

His sister died and in the obituary they listed the brothers and sisters but listed my FIL after the family as -adopted step brother. He cried he was so hurt. We all felt terrible...people just don't think. Strange things are sometimes printed in obituaries.

Re: Am I being too over sensitive?

ECBG — Fri, 16 Jun 2023 22:55:14 GMT

If younger, he was possibly overwhelmed.

If older, he"s inconsiderate.

Re: Am I being too over sensitive?

Etoile308 — Fri, 16 Jun 2023 23:02:28 GMT

I come from a large close family. To me the only obituary it matters if I'm mentioned is my own.

Re: Am I being too over sensitive?

newjerseygirl — Fri, 16 Jun 2023 23:05:01 GMT

@frenchie wrote:
@newjerseygirl wrote:
@frenchie I don't think you are being too sensitive. You should have been mentioned.
I would feel left out if that happened to me.

Who made the arrangements? Who gave the information for the obituary?

I believe a nephew did. I am his aunt. I know he knows I'm still alive.

@frenchie My guess is that the nephew didn't realize that your name should have been included. The funeral director should have asked if there was a spouse when your husband's name was given.

Re: Am I being too over sensitive?

eadu4 — Fri, 16 Jun 2023 23:07:34 GMT

@frenchie I am sorry for the loss of your BIL. I wouldn't be too upset. Sometimes the funeral home gives you a form to fill out and some people are just ignorant of social protocols. They see "family" and think just of the immediate direct family and don't think to include "in-laws". Then there are some who list just about every relative the deceased had. I don't think it was deliberate just someone not very good at what to put in an obituary.

Re: Am I being too over sensitive?

River Song — Fri, 16 Jun 2023 23:12:06 GMT

Sometimes in-laws know exactly what they are saying and grief has nothing to do with it. They are showing you who they are...believe them.

I met my first husband at university, we were together 10 years, got married. A year and a half later he died in a car accident. I was told by his oldest brother that I was no longer a member of my husband's family. None of his family members have spoken to me for the last 35 years and I'll be darned if I'm going to make the effort to reach out to them. They showed me who they are.

Re: Am I being too over sensitive?

walkingal — Fri, 16 Jun 2023 23:18:18 GMT

@frenchie My condolences on the passing of your brother-in-law. I don't think you're being too sensitive. The funeral director or whoever took the information from your family for the obit should have asked questions and double checked everything. I have buried a lot of family members, and the funeral home we have always used works very closely with the family. They understand you can't possibly know or remember everything to do. What does your husband think? Are you going to say anything to his side of the family?

Re: Am I being too over sensitive?

conlt — Fri, 16 Jun 2023 23:20:23 GMT

@frenchie I would let it go. Whoever wrote the obituary was under a lot of stress. When my mom died, I left out the fact that my sister was a doctor. My sister was upset, honestly, I did not think about her being a doctor when I wrote the obituary. When someone dies, everyone is under duress.

Re: Am I being too over sensitive?

Kardi — Fri, 16 Jun 2023 23:21:30 GMT

Maybe you're not being too sensitive and you could and should have been acknowledged, however, I would urge you to move past this and not comment on it to anyone in the family. When my mother died my sister and I handled all the arrangements and her estate. It was stressful and we were mourning our loss. My aunt, our mothers sister criticized the obit because we neglected to mention our mothers maiden name. Our mother was 90 when she died. It was an oversight perhaps, but she was married to our father at 19 years of age. People who knew her by her maiden name are mostly all dead. Same aunt criticized the picture we chose for the newspapers death notice. On top of everything else we were dealing with, we didn't need that. In the scheme of things, it's not really important.

Re: Am I being too over sensitive?

qbetzforreal — Fri, 16 Jun 2023 23:32:33 GMT

Most of the obituaries I've seen, spouses are not mentioned, only referenced like: Bob(Betty).

If they missed you, sorry that your feelings are hurt. The focus was probably on assisting their father in making his finally transition.

Re: Am I being too over sensitive?

Skyegirl21 — Fri, 16 Jun 2023 23:38:24 GMT

I see your reason for asking, and it is off- putting, but I would just let it go. It's not important in the big picture-

Re: Am I being too over sensitive?

stevieb — Fri, 16 Jun 2023 23:40:14 GMT

For many, only 'blood' relatives make the cut. Sometimes that choice is pointed and sometimes it's just the norm for that inidividual or family.