topic Re: Feeling Left Out in Among Friends

Feeling Left Out

Calcgirl — Fri, 11 Nov 2022 07:27:06 GMT

I am a widow with two grown children that I get along with. I never ask for help and never get into their affairs. When they call or visit I keep it positive. The issue that is making me sad is that my married son and his wife always take her mother with them on vacations but have never invited me. I never have said anything, but it hursts me. I have always treated his wife like my own daughter and her children as my own grandchildren. Her two kids are now in college. The one has a family weekend coming up and they are all going, I asked my son if I could also attend because I would love to see where my granddaughter goes to school ( it is in another state) and to see her, He said they talked about it and decided to keep it just her family. I have always spent the same amount on her children as I do on my other grandkids and treated them with the same loving care since they were small when they married. Sorry to keep venting, I just have been in tears because i feel left out and not needed. I am in my early 70's and an active person, so I know I should shrug this off, but it is hard to do so.

Thank you for listening.

Re: Feeling Left Out

Lilysmom1 — Fri, 11 Nov 2022 09:04:35 GMT

@Calcgirl , perhaps you could suggest going with them on another trip? There may be some reason they want to do things separately. I know when DH and I travel we prefer to do it alone. That gives us the freedom to change plans without notice. We are also early risers and, if it is a long car trip, we usually head for home very early in the morning. I don't think many people would like our schedule.

Don't give up. Give it some time and try again! LM

Re: Feeling Left Out

4kitties — Fri, 11 Nov 2022 10:01:51 GMT

@Calcgirl

I am so sorry you are feeling hurt and left out. I know that family life can be so very difficult at times.

I hope that your son and his family will have a change of heart and things will be easier for you.

Re: Feeling Left Out

Imaoldhippie — Fri, 11 Nov 2022 10:03:52 GMT

@Calcgirl .................I completely understand your hurt feelings. My DIL does not like me at all, never has. So her mom always comes first. I dont do or say anything because I dont want to cause any trouble for my son, and she would cause him some grief. She is not one of my favorite people either.

Re: Feeling Left Out

Grace729 — Fri, 11 Nov 2022 10:29:52 GMT

This may sound different yet see if you can not make anyone wrong, yourself or the others. Allow. Allow the hurt to be there without the addition of a story. Feeling left out is different than I am being left out. Acceptance of what is transforms. Resistance creates persistence. Acceptance doesn't mean you do nothing it just allows rather than forcing a solution. I have been taught what is in my way is the way. Make friends with it and the form of it will change. You are not what is happening you are the space in which everything happens. Observe the feelings then without thought, labels, interpretations and this to shall pass. Be gentle with you

Re: Feeling Left Out

AngelPuppy1 — Fri, 11 Nov 2022 11:33:28 GMT

It's hard to not feel left out when they are going on these trips and not including you. Maybe there is more going on regarding the MIL and the rest of your DIL's family and your son feels he has to act this way to keep things running smoothly with his wife. It's hurtful, yes, to not be included. But it sounds like you are a good mother and grandmother and you have done nothing wrong. So, hold your head up high and just keep being you -- kind and thoughtful! It won't do any good to complain and be negative to your son - in fact, it will probably strain the relationship you have. However, there is nothing wrong with you saying to him when you hear that a trip or occasion is coming up with saying something like --- oh, that sounds like fun or that sounds lovely -- do you have room for one more?

Re: Feeling Left Out

PamfromCT — Fri, 11 Nov 2022 11:36:31 GMT

@Calcgirl, I am very sorry you are hurt, and I do think you have reason to be. I wish I had an answer for you, but I don’t.

I am sure you are a loving and inclusive person who would never hurt anyone. Unfortunately, I have two friends who have similar relationships with their daughters-in-law. For no apparent reason.

Maybe you could get together with a friend or two while you are being left out. You might consider joining a nice group of ladies at your church or senior center and make some new friends. I know it is hard when one is older to make new friends, and it must be hard to be widowed, but maybe you might give it a try. It would help to take the”sting” out of being rejected. All my best wishes.

Re: Feeling Left Out

FranandZoe — Fri, 11 Nov 2022 13:00:56 GMT

I too am so sorry you are hurt - sorry they won't include you for whatever reason.

I would not however ask them to include you in any trips.
Make travel plans with a friend or go somewhere with a group. Maybe start by going on a day trip and go from there. AAA for instance has lots of trips of all kinds. There are travel/tour groups for singles too.

Enjoy your life - don't wait for them.

(((HUGS)))

Re: Feeling Left Out

phoenixbrd — Fri, 11 Nov 2022 12:32:22 GMT

Thank you for expressing your sadness and trusting that you would find support by coming here and voicing your sadness. Families, often our greatest source of love can also be our greatest sorrow.

The members here have posted some wonderful ideas. You are a loving and kind person, I can understand you're hurt. Only you know if mentioning in a kind way to your son that you would appreciate being included in the family events would be appropriate. Or perhaps it is best to spend time with friends and accept time spent with your family is precious and their decisions are not meant to hurt you. I just want you to know that my heart is with you and there are supportive friends here. 💓

Re: Feeling Left Out

Janey2 — Fri, 11 Nov 2022 12:33:10 GMT

Just a thought....is it possible her mother is paying for the vacation and that is why she is included? You can ask your son (in private) why you are not invited to go on these vacations. I am a believer in finding out the reasons for things. Whatever reason he gives accept it. Sometimes it is better to leave things alone or they can get worse.

Re: Feeling Left Out

Malcontent — Fri, 11 Nov 2022 12:34:09 GMT

@Calcgirl

Your son said they talked about it and decided to keep it just family?

I’m confused as to who your son thinks you are if not family?

If this bothers you, talk directly to your son. Tell him that it’s hurtful the way he’s treating you. Be honest with him. He’s a big boy and the onus is on him to make it right.

Stop being a punching bag for your DIL and her mother.

Re: Feeling Left Out

Vivian — Fri, 11 Nov 2022 12:40:16 GMT

I'm sorry you're being left out. No one can hurt us as much as our kids can, at any age. The story of a close friend raises a question. She's divorced, with two grown children and four grandchildren. The only time they have her join them on trips is when she pays for everyone and everything. It bothers me that she allows herself to be used that way, but she has money and she wants to travel with them. Could that be a factor here? Can you ask why you're never included? It might be worth doing.

Re: Feeling Left Out

jubilant — Fri, 11 Nov 2022 12:59:58 GMT

@Calcgirl I believe a lot of us have felt what you are feeling now. Maybe the circumstances are different but the feelings are still the same.

I agree with those who have said, in so many words.... "let it go". One day they will realize how it was for you, when and if they experience it. It is a new generation and they do things differently then we did and they see a lot of things differently then we would. While we don't always understand it...it is what it is.

My choice would be to do things with people outside the family or maybe with siblings or whomever...have as much fun as you can, while you can....with them or without them. This lets you know (and them) that you can have a life outside of your family and be happy.

Re: Feeling Left Out

Jersey Born — Fri, 11 Nov 2022 13:03:48 GMT

@Calcgirl - You are completely justified in feeling left out. I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Your son should know better, and out of respect for you, he should care and bother to explain to you why you are never included, and only his MIL is, on their vacations. That said, it is probably too touchy, uncomfortable, and embarrassing a subject for him to broach with you, especially because he probably doesn't want to upset you.

A possible solution? Invite all of them, DIL, son, grandkids on a day trip somewhere to a place they can all enjoy. Pick a mutually agreeable day and for obvious reasons, do not include your DIL's mom. She is given (or pays for) enough of their time. All you can do is fully enjoy your own private visits with all of them. It doesn't have to involve a large outlay of money. It could be a visit to a park and lunch on a blanket or at a picnic table (depending upon the climate where you live), and even a visit to a nearby art show or museum. Something fun and enjoyable for everyone.

Is your son's wife from a wealthy family, or did your DIL's mother benefit from a large insurance payout when (and if) her husband died? It might be that her mother does spring for or contribute a lot of money toward their trips together, as others here have suggested. Perhaps the only reason they take those trips together is because her mother pays almost entirely for them. And of course, neither your DIL or her mother would think to include you in that scenario, and they wouldn't even think it rude to exclude you from their vacations if it is at her (DIL's mother's) expense. That is possible.

Wishing you the best in finding a way to successfully counter their exclusion of you. Try not to take it personally, and do your best to enjoy their company when they come for visits to see you and spend their time with you.

Re: Feeling Left Out

Dusty1 — Fri, 11 Nov 2022 13:08:07 GMT

@Calcgirl I am glad you told your son that you would like to be included. If you are quiet he will think that you are okay with it.

I hope you feel like you can bring it up, again.

It's difficult. But, you would like to be included & sometimes you need to insist that things change before they will change.

But, be prepared. It may be as simple as they didn't really know that you cared to go, or some other simple reason.

Or it could be something that will hurt you.

I am someone that would want to know the truth & deal with it.

Hopefully it is just an oversight.

Please, talk to your son again or your DIL? Family can be tough.

Re: Feeling Left Out

CalminHeart — Fri, 11 Nov 2022 13:10:12 GMT

@Calcgirl wrote:
I am a widow with two grown children that I get along with. I never ask for help and never get into their affairs. When they call or visit I keep it positive. The issue that is making me sad is that my married son and his wife always take her mother with them on vacations but have never invited me. I never have said anything, but it hursts me. I have always treated his wife like my own daughter and her children as my own grandchildren. Her two kids are now in college. The one has a family weekend coming up and they are all going, I asked my son if I could also attend because I would love to see where my granddaughter goes to school ( it is in another state) and to see her, He said they talked about it and decided to keep it just her family. I have always spent the same amount on her children as I do on my other grandkids and treated them with the same loving care since they were small when they married. Sorry to keep venting, I just have been in tears because i feel left out and not needed. I am in my early 70's and an active person, so I know I should shrug this off, but it is hard to do so.
Thank you for listening.

I'm in a similar boat and in your age range. The pain is heart wrenching sometimes. Slooooowly, I'm learning to accept it. But it still hurts when he forgets my birthday, holidays, Mother's Day, etc. Just a phone call would make me happy.

Re: Feeling Left Out

Harpa — Fri, 11 Nov 2022 13:11:44 GMT

@Calcgirl I'm just wondering if your son's MIL is also alone?

In any case, it is nothing personal to you, I'm sure! Whether paying or not, it seems more usual that a wife's mother somehow gets precedence. I know I've see it often in my own family.

Re: Feeling Left Out

goldensrbest — Fri, 11 Nov 2022 13:16:18 GMT

I certainly understand your feeling left out, i would want to know why they do this ,a talk with your son is needed.

Re: Feeling Left Out

Janey2 — Fri, 11 Nov 2022 13:16:35 GMT

I was thinking....I never take part in family "outings" when my son's in laws are there. I only see them if there is a party for one of my grandchildren. We all get along fine, it is just how it is. I do not mean to be rude but why do you think you think you must be included in all their family gatherings? I hope I did not hurt your feelings it is just how I feel.

Re: Feeling Left Out

Shanus — Fri, 11 Nov 2022 13:22:41 GMT

@Calcgirl I feel badly that you are being left out. Family dynamics are always so difficult and especially when in-laws are involved. We do always need to tread lightly.

When my children got married, I knew things had changed and my place was to be shared with many others who wanted and needed equal time. Sometimes I get asked to go and other times not.

Never apologize for coming here to express how you feel especially if you're sad. Your concerns are valid. I understand your coming here for any help and suggestions.

Hoping things get better for you. My only thoughts are to have a gentle conversation with your daughter in law about how you feel about her (positive and loving talk) and let her know you hope in the future, she'll consider including you and thinking about how you feel being left out. Let her know you're sad and wish you'd be included sometimes when they make plans. Also include your close feelings for her and her children. Often kids "forget" or don't realize how simple actions can hurt us deeply and that getting older makes us feel alone.

Good luck and hope you perk up a bit. You do always have us here and you are Among Friends.

***BTW, my son and daughter in law with my granddaughters are going to VA for her family's thanksgiving holiday. I'm not included and we'll be alone w/ a small turkey/fixings. I would not be making that trip because we both have work obligations, but it'd still be considerate to ask us. This is happening to some of us at one time or another.

Unfortuneatly, we can be a forgotten generation as our kids get busy with their kids, spouses, and another family to keep peace with. They're in a tough situation, too.