topic Re: How would you this handle family dilemma? in Among Friends

How would you this handle family dilemma?

Skyegirl21 — Tue, 23 Aug 2022 15:49:21 GMT

I see so many kind and bright posters at this forum, I wanted to get others' thoughts about my dilemma...

My Dad passed4 yrs ago and Mom is an "older" 85 yr old, meaning she she doesn't get around very stably, does not drive, has no spirit or will to do anything but watch TV 24/7, although no real health issues at this time. She lives in NJ, alone in the larger house that my sister and I grew up in. She is very resistant to change and refuses to move. I live in CT, a 2 yr (not pretty) drive away. I go there every 6-7 weeks to bring her dinner entrees and take her to appointments.
My sister who lives 20 minutes away in NJ, is "hand-washer" type of person, who washes her hands regarding helping with anyone ( or caring about anyone but herself) and doesn't even visit or call Mom ever. I have tried to get her to do anything to help but she lashes out if she has to be 'obligated' to do anything-
Sis and I often fight and are in a fight now ( she is nasty and attacks me constantly) because I want to move my Mother closer to me, but my sister is calling me overbearing and says I enable my mother ( really: she doesn't want to sell the house and use up the money)- Money is always her motivation...

How would you handle this? Thank you-

Re: How would you this handle family dilemma?

Puppy Lips — Tue, 23 Aug 2022 15:57:27 GMT

I am sure you will get some thoughtful replies here. My only thoughts are that 1 - your sister is not going to change, 2 - this is not worth you and your sister fighting over, and 3- you have to do what is best for your Mom. That is the tricky part. If you Mom does not want to move from the home that she has lived in for years, she may not be happy living closer to you.

If your Mom is doing okay with the current arrangement, maybe you should just leave it at that, even though it is a pain for you. When her health deteriorates more, where she needs more constant care, then maybe you can convince her it is time to sell the house and live closer to you. Your sister has no claim to the money and she will just have to get over it if the house proceeds go to her care. Good luck with this. Nothing is easy when dealing with aging parents.

Re: How would you this handle family dilemma?

deeva — Tue, 23 Aug 2022 16:04:38 GMT

I would move my mother closer to me, if she's agreeable.
Your sister is under the impression that she's going to get money from the sale of the family home.

Does you mother have a will? She could decide to leave the home to anyone she chooses and exclude your sister from getting anything.

You should also consider having your mother give you power of attorney while she is still mentally competent.

Re: How would you this handle family dilemma?

Laura14 — Tue, 23 Aug 2022 16:04:48 GMT

I would forget Sis since you know that's a brick wall and anxiety and stress you do not need. And Mom is going to do Mom since your sister probably didn't get it from anyplace strange.

If you are looking to have some help, maybe there is an organization or visiting companion that could check on her every once in a while in between your visits to give you a break and your Mom some extra faces? Maybe a senior program in the area that might bring her out a bit?

Or a hobby she likes that you can sign her up for a group that meets and engages in it? Check libraries or craft stores for some commnity classes if you think you have any chance of interesting her in that. Can also be done online if she really loves the comfort of the home.

Re: How would you this handle family dilemma?

patbz — Tue, 23 Aug 2022 16:10:56 GMT

Does your Mom have an estate plan? Are you her Executrix? If the answers aren't "yes" to both of these questions, it's not your problem! From what you've written, your Mom seems to have all her facilities and its her life ( and therefore not yours or your sisters decision).

Re: How would you this handle family dilemma?

manny2 — Tue, 23 Aug 2022 16:07:02 GMT

@Puppy Lips wrote:
I am sure you will get some thoughtful replies here. My only thoughts are that 1 - your sister is not going to change, 2 - this is not worth you and your sister fighting over, and 3- you have to do what is best for your Mom. That is the tricky part. If you Mom does not want to move from the home that she has lived in for years, she may not be happy living closer to you.

If your Mom is doing okay with the current arrangement, maybe you should just leave it at that, even though it is a pain for you. When her health deteriorates more, where she needs more constant care, then maybe you can convince her it is time to sell the house and live closer to you. Your sister has no claim to the money and she will just have to get over it if the house proceeds go to her care. Good luck with this. Nothing is easy when dealing with aging parents.

I think you gave great advice @Puppy Lips I couldn't have said it better.

Re: How would you this handle family dilemma?

Sooner — Tue, 23 Aug 2022 16:23:20 GMT

There is lots of excellent advice but one reality: You can't MAKE your mom do anything until she is to the state where a judge steps in and declares her unable to handle her affairs and appoints someone to do so.

In light of this, maybe step back for now, leave it up to sis and mom for awhile and see what happens.

Thirty years of experience tell me you have to do what you can do and are able to do, but you don't call the shots.

Re: How would you this handle family dilemma?

depglass — Tue, 23 Aug 2022 16:26:18 GMT

My initial thought is quit talking to your sister, nothing positive is coming out of it. Once your mother passes, you will have a whole new can of worms to deal with. Just make it pleasant for yourself until that time.

Re: How would you this handle family dilemma?

CelticCrafter — Tue, 23 Aug 2022 16:30:22 GMT

How would your sister feel if you told her you were hiring a care giver and started to spend down the estate?

Re: How would you this handle family dilemma?

Jo1313 — Tue, 23 Aug 2022 16:38:45 GMT

Is your Mom willing to go to your home for a visit..at least a week or so?

If so maybe you can make arrangements for her to see some assisted living places in your area.This way she can see what it's like and maybe she will like it.

Just a thought.

Hopefully you have Power of Attorney to take care of your Mom's finances,medical,etc. Your Sister doesn't need to be part of it..

My sister and I had one for my parents they agreed..My children have it for DH and myself.

If not maybe through her Dept. of aging she might be able to get an aide or someone to check on her..even meals on wheels..they stop to talk to the person they are dropping off the food to.

My story was different..my Sister and I took care of our parents until they passed..both were ill..We both lived close by..My Sister was the night shift and I was the day shift..

DH and I put off moving until both parents were gone.They also had raised us in that house.

Good luck.. it's a tough road..hope you can pull it together.

Re: How would you this handle family dilemma?

CatsyCline — Tue, 23 Aug 2022 16:50:51 GMT

just give it time. i agree you cannot make her change her lifestyle. we had to go through this with our very elderly Mom. my sister and i regularly had words, believe me. even with a mother's health concerns, seems one sibling sticks their head in the sand while the other looks ahead to consider for future events. it took a health crisis this past Spring and we finally agreed and got Mom out of the home. a stay in the nursing home for rehab made Mom realize she was headed there next if she stayed home. Very difficult for her. She had over 60 amazing yrs in this home, many memories. and save for last 5 yrs of health problems and post-surgeries that challenged her mobility, a very easy life.

Re: How would you this handle family dilemma?

Group 5 minus 1 — Tue, 23 Aug 2022 17:02:59 GMT

Generally,w/sibs (I have none) its about the money. If your Mom is mentally ok. Take her to an attorney and get a will and final directives. That is about all you can do.

I am sorry I cannot. give more help. When we did it w/Mom the attorney spoke privately w/her. Don't know what he said,but it sure helped.

Re: How would you this handle family dilemma?

chrystaltree — Tue, 23 Aug 2022 18:43:52 GMT

You are thinking about what would be easier for you and totally disregarding what your mother wants. You want to move her like she's a potted plant. Your sister can't accept your mother as she is now. She can't accept that your mom needs help, that she needs someone checking in on her and since she's closer, that someone is her. Like it or not, the two of you have to put your mother's needs and WISHES first. Your mother is 85, she doesn't want to move out of her home. She doesn't want to part with her possessions and her lifestyle. So you need to stop fighting with your sister and figure out a plan that allows your mom to stay in her own home. Your sister thinks you are overbearing because you can't think beyond what you want for your mother and what you think your sister should be doing for her. If you want what is in your mother's best interest, accept that she has a right to sit in her easy chair and watch TV all day if that makes her happy at 85 years of age. She has no health challenges, she doesn't want to leave her home so make sure she has homemaking and food services she needs. Visit when you can and ask your sister visit your mom once a week. The two of you can call her on alternate days so that someone speaks with her everyday. When you let go of your plan to force your mom to leave her home, tensions between you and your sister hopefully will ease so that you can work together to let your mom end her days in the home she loves.

Re: How would you this handle family dilemma?

Sooner — Tue, 23 Aug 2022 17:10:28 GMT

@chrystaltree Let me add from my perspective something to what you said. No matter how old you are, it is not possible to have every wish granted. Young, old, or in between we can't always have what we want. It is sometimes beyond what others can or even should do for us. And people shouldn't feel guilty because they can't provide or do the impossible.

None of us make the rules, none of us are in control. Especially without legal paperwork.

Re: How would you this handle family dilemma?

DSD2 — Tue, 23 Aug 2022 17:15:37 GMT

I am glad your mother is in relatively good health, that is a positive!

As she wants to and is able to maintain and stay at home, staying the current course might be the best solution. However, people who live alone, at an advanced age should be looked in on. Falls are commonplace and results can be disasterous. Does she have a Life Alert system? Regardless, someone should be checking on her, and I might move to make those arrangements before anything else.

Let your sister stew in her own selfishness. She doesn't want to help and hasn't.

Situations can change on a dime. Down the road, your mother may not be able to take care of herself or the house. If and when her health declines, you can reconsider. I think it's wonderful that you want your mother closer. I'm sure she will appreciate your kind intentions once her situation changes and living alone is no longer a viable option.

Good luck and God bless.

Re: How would you this handle family dilemma?

CatsyCline — Tue, 23 Aug 2022 17:17:04 GMT

One other note : our experience in NY State: there's an income cap: Food Stamps, home health aides. there is a serious shortage of aides (Covid and lack of work force) should you go through Office of The Aging, long Wait lists. Private Pay agencies may not have many the aides available.

Meals on Wheels are not necessarily free - if one is in dire straits they wont ask for money. they do encourage weekly payments; sometimes the children will take care of expense. There is facility (institutional [SNF} Medicaid ) and Community Medicaid.

Community can be a rabbit hole. Every aspect of the financial picture scrutinzed. then if you qualify for Community Medicaid if there is an overage (over their % of poverty scale) the funds need to go into pooled trust and in a spend-down everything being being paid out, Medicaid needs to know.

If finances allow, look into Assisted Living. See about arranging for a Life Estate. Best to consult with attorney. This is not to circumvent future institutional care.

Re: How would you this handle family dilemma?

Zhills — Tue, 23 Aug 2022 17:27:24 GMT

I would be more concerned about getting Mom's legal affairs in order than her moving!

Does she have a POA? Take care of the legalities first!

There are companies to provide means to the elderly, some free, some paid, available! Send her goodies through a grocery delivery company. So many ways to provide what she needs.

Her legal affairs should be first priority!

Re: How would you this handle family dilemma?

LizzieInSRQ — Tue, 23 Aug 2022 18:03:13 GMT

Maybe get Mom an easy tablet, teach her and check in with her via Zoom or FaceTime etc. She might have fun with that and it would be super easy to check on her. She might end up doing zoom classes or join in other groups.

Re: How would you this handle family dilemma?

Skyegirl21 — Tue, 23 Aug 2022 18:25:12 GMT

Thanks for the responses! Appreciate the varied thoughts and suggestions- I needed to get some distance and see other viewpoints.. All helpful in some way-

Additional details (didn't want to include too much specifics at first)-

Hard to believe I know, Sister and I are actually identical twins (but have always been completely different and had plenty of tumultuous not friendly years)- Think evil twin...
Yes, Mom does have a will and POA ( legal docs current) but she insists everything is 50/50, BOTH are Executors too- (yikes). And all on the deed too. Mistake, I kinow.
Also wanted to add, to those who suggested sister should do x,y,z... Not gonna happen. The more you push her, the more she attacks back, does not want to be relied upon for anything..

So I just worry that mom is so alone there-

Re: How would you this handle family dilemma?

Zhills — Tue, 23 Aug 2022 19:06:20 GMT

Her choice. Don't worry about her, just call her every day.

Maybe get her a computer or Alexa show time through Amazon to keep in touch.

Living alone is much easier in familiar surroundings! I considered "downsizing?" but decided against it!