topic Re: A Friend in Need in Among Friends

A Friend in Need

Vivian — Fri, 15 Jan 2016 20:25:22 GMT

A dear friend of mine is having a very tough time. We live on opposite coasts but through phone calls, daily emails, and occasional get-togethers, we have remained close for 40 years. She has been divorced for most of that time, having raised her two children alone. Her ex was out of their lives. She inherited a great deal of family money so finances were never a problem.

Right now she is a wreck and has lost a great deal of weight. Some of her problems are physical. She has put off having two surgeries to correct two serious problems to the point where her quality of life is acutely affected. However, that is not her greatest challenge. The man whom she has been with for over 30 years is dying. They never married, which was the right thing for her to do (no need to go into the reasons here), but he has dealt with his terminal illness in a way that has made her life just awful. He refuses to tell his grown children that he is dying. They live far from him so he can get away with it...for now. He told my friend that she cannot talk to his family about him and that he will go to his daughters toward the end. My friend is not to follow him and she will not know when he leaves and cannot attend his funeral. My friend's daughter looked to him as a father but he refuses to see her.

My friend tells me she feels like a cheap mistress instead of a lifelong companion. She has told him how she feels but he refuses to change. She has become bitter and angry. No matter what I say, she snaps back telling me nobody understands her pain. She's seeing a therapist but has to travel an hour each way in heavy traffic for 50 minutes of talk a week. She says that isn't enough. I don't know what to say to her anymore. I understand her hurt and her anger. She's being treated horribly but what can she do?

Re: A Friend in Need

hoosieroriginal — Fri, 15 Jan 2016 20:48:07 GMT

Sorry to hear about your friend. But if she's been with this guy for 30 years, she's had to have some idea he was this way. I feel bad that she's put in between him and his kids. Sounds like she's severely depressed and probably in pain (physically). Just give her your support the best you can. I have a friend in California that is quite overweight and doesn't take care of herself- now her ankle is turning in and she's having to walk with a walker (she's 60). We've been friends for years, and I just try to listen to her and support her. You can't change someone.

Re: A Friend in Need

meglet — Fri, 15 Jan 2016 21:03:12 GMT

There's GOTTA be a therapist closer by. I just started therapy last week and was astounded by the number of them in my area when I printed out the list from my insurance company's website. Get a list and keep calling one after the other. I found one 5 minutes from my work. That would at least be one small, concrete thing that would improve her current situation.

Re: A Friend in Need

Drythe — Fri, 15 Jan 2016 21:48:16 GMT

Sounds as though all you can do is be there for her.

This must be awful for her I can't imagine. A sad, strange way to end a long term relationship, not to mention a life.

Re: A Friend in Need

gailcoco — Fri, 15 Jan 2016 22:33:27 GMT

All I can say is what I would do in this situation. I say SCREW IT!!! and tell his family. What makes him think his daughter will take care of him at the end? He's going to drop in on his daughter and dump this on her?

I would also bring my daughter to visit him whether he likes it or not. Does he live with your friend? Who is taking care of him now? She needs to start taking control of what she does and stop letting him control her.

As for the therapy thing - there are therapists now offering sessions via computer video conferencing. The one I know of doesn't bill insurance - the patient has to pay but their prices seem resonable. I just received a brochure from an outfit in Florida: www.fcitt.org Florida Center for Integrative Telepsychiatry and Telepsychotherapy.

And at some point all you can do is listen and say "that sucks". You can't help someone who doesn't want it.

Re: A Friend in Need

Vivian — Fri, 15 Jan 2016 22:51:25 GMT

I will definitely tell my friend about the video conferencing idea. I don't know if she'd go for it but I can simply mention it. She never lived with this man but as some of you have said, knowing him for over thirty years, she should not be shocked by his behavior. I vividly recall that even though they were both divorced when they met, he refused to introduce her to his kids for years and when he became a grandfather, he never told her.

It was as if he was ashamed of her. To me it should have been the opposite. She was the one with the education, the lovely home, the accomplished children, the money. He always had to struggle...one of the reasons they never married. Maybe this is his final act of trying to control her and be top-dog for a change but it's destroying my friend.

I know he's dying of cancer but nothing gives him the right to be inhuman and cruel. I'd like to tell my friend she should just stop talking to him but I won't do that. She wants me to listen, not give advice, but she is really falling apart mentally and physically. She is experiencing some serious health issues and I had to beg her to make an appointment to see a doctor. I know she must be terribly depressed. Her anger is tangible. She keeps telling me nobody understands what she's going through, and that she can't stand other people's remarks. On the other hand, she keeps going back for more with him. I think it's abuse but she doesn't want to hear that and my characterization won't change her situation or her behavior. And guess what her career was? Counselor/therapist!

Re: A Friend in Need

Zhills — Sat, 16 Jan 2016 00:29:35 GMT

Sometimes, you just really need someone to listen. You bounce your own words back and you just might see things differently!

I understand her situation. It's called LOVE! It can make you forget all the rules!

I have a friend who married her long time friend only to find out that he knew nothing about legal affairs and just paid whatever bills were sent to him when he decided to pay them. Not late enough to ruin his credit, but never on time. He would not make a will so anything he owned would be split (in probate court) if he should die. He just floats through life like a balloon, which ever way the wind blows or someone pushes him, is the way he goes!

Really sad! I can see why she never married him, but if she had, I doubt things would be any different. You can love them but not like them!

Re: A Friend in Need

sandraskates — Sat, 16 Jan 2016 00:38:20 GMT

You are a good friend @Vivian.

Re: A Friend in Need

fortune — Sat, 16 Jan 2016 02:17:57 GMT

@Vivian Florimond wrote:
A dear friend of mine is having a very tough time. We live on opposite coasts but through phone calls, daily emails, and occasional get-togethers, we have remained close for 40 years. She has been divorced for most of that time, having raised her two children alone. Her ex was out of their lives. She inherited a great deal of family money so finances were never a problem.

Right now she is a wreck and has lost a great deal of weight. Some of her problems are physical. She has put off having two surgeries to correct two serious problems to the point where her quality of life is acutely affected. However, that is not her greatest challenge. The man whom she has been with for over 30 years is dying. They never married, which was the right thing for her to do (no need to go into the reasons here), but he has dealt with his terminal illness in a way that has made her life just awful. He refuses to tell his grown children that he is dying. They live far from him so he can get away with it...for now. He told my friend that she cannot talk to his family about him and that he will go to his daughters toward the end. My friend is not to follow him and she will not know when he leaves and cannot attend his funeral. My friend's daughter looked to him as a father but he refuses to see her.

My friend tells me she feels like a cheap mistress instead of a lifelong companion. She has told him how she feels but he refuses to change. She has become bitter and angry. No matter what I say, she snaps back telling me nobody understands her pain. She's seeing a therapist but has to travel an hour each way in heavy traffic for 50 minutes of talk a week. She says that isn't enough. I don't know what to say to her anymore. I understand her hurt and her anger. She's being treated horribly but what can she do?

Sounds like he doesn't want his family to know about her. Something doesn't seem right here. I think he's hiding something. She keeps hoping he'll change, but a leopard doesn't change its spots!

She needs to see a therapist more than once a week. Can you help her find one closer? Other than that, just listen and be supportive. You're a good friend. She's lucky to have you!!!

Re: A Friend in Need

MacDUFF — Sat, 16 Jan 2016 03:23:46 GMT

I'm so sorry for your friend...she's heartbroken. And how frustrating for you to be so far away. Prayers for both of you. Keep a good thought!

Re: A Friend in Need

Chrystaltree2 — Sun, 17 Jan 2016 13:34:34 GMT

You can't say anything to help her so don't try. Just listen to her. She's needs a sounding board, someone who just listens to hers. The story sounds strange, I suspect she is giving you an edited version, she has left parts out. Another reason to just listen and console but offer no advice. After 30 years, she is as much a wife as anyone with a piece of paper could be but without that piece of paper, she lacks some protections. If her partner does not want his family to know about his illness, that's his right and she should respect that. They live many miles away and they can't help or assist anyway. The slipping off to die part, sounds murky and I suspect there's more to that. Whatever it is, it's for them to work out. Off course, she's bitter and angry. She is also sad and frightened and emotionally exhausted. Under the circumstances, those are all valid feelings. So, help your friend by just being there for her and letting her talk. No one is treating her horribly, she has the life she made for herself. When we marry someone or entered a committed relationship, it's for better or worse and sometimes that worse includes a terminal illness. He's the one who is dying, so he gets to decide how things will unfold. If he opts to go to his family at the end, that's his choice. But he certainly cannot control who does or does not attend his wake and funeral. Assuming your friend is on good terms with his family, they will want her there. If they, aren't on good terms, then she will not be welcome. In that case, she can arrage a memorial service for fhe family and friends they have.

Re: A Friend in Need

Vivian — Sun, 17 Jan 2016 14:48:41 GMT

Crystaltree, you've described my friend's situation exactly. The dynamics of her relationship with this man always seemed murky to me. I only met him a couple of times so their history is how she reported it to me. I often wondered why she put up with the conditions that he set for them from the beginning...the secretiveness, the exclusion from his family, his business problems. Given how things have gone over the last 30+ years, I shouldn't be surprised by what's happening now.

One aspect of this story that I didn't mention is what led to this man's terminal diagnosis. He had been told over three years ago to return for certain tests because doctors suspected he might be ill. He never went back. It was only at a required check-up for insurance a few months ago that his cancer was detected. He had what was most likely a treatable cancer (his doctor's characterization, not mine) but ignored it. So, on top of everything else, I'm sure my friend is thinking about what-if or if-only.

I've had cancer twice. My father and my grandmother died of the disease. Yes, the patient is the one who determines how to deal with it. However, to me, holding onto your humanity, especially in terms of your closest relationships, is paramount. I know others will disagree but having cancer, even terminal cancer, is not a license for cruelty.

Re: A Friend in Need

milkbone — Sun, 17 Jan 2016 15:22:16 GMT

OP.......read your post yourself.

Have another person in your presense read it ALOUD to you..

Your post is full of fear, and control.....and more control

Your friend made some choices....for a long time

Your friends partner made some choices....for a long time

THEY made choices together....for a long time

Your post speaks of people and THEIR health and THEIR choices ...today

Good luck to you, and your friend

old saying....

" I was looking for a helping hand, I found one at the end of my arm"

Peace

Re: A Friend in Need

adoreqvc — Sun, 17 Jan 2016 17:32:08 GMT

Hi Vivian,

It saddens me to read your thread.

What woman chooses to be/remain a mistress for 30 years, as opposed to becomming a wife?

I can understand your friend being leery of re-marriage, having been divorced, but there are legal ways to safeguard oneself with a premarital agreement, unless the real truth is not being told by your friend.

Perhaps he was married when he met your friend, and their affair began, but in all honesty if she came between a married man and his wife, and if that is the case I have no respect for either one of them.

(Even if she did not know he was married at the time she began her relationship with him, I am sure she did eventually find out if he was married, because no one could be that dumb, not when there were so many ways to legally find out the status of someone, when you become involved with them).

Also you state that she had inherited a vast sum of money, so money was never the issue, and she would have had enough $ to hire a lawyer or private investigator to discover everything about this man).

(That is if one really wishes to learn the truth).

Perhaps before they met he may have been married but separated from his wife, perhaps with a legal separation, but no divorce ever enacted, or they had a mutual oral agreement that he would leave, and continue to support his wife and children.

It saddens me that your friend would have no respect for herself and allow herself to become involved in this type of "30 year long term affair/companionship relationship to begin with".

Where were/are her morals, her self esteem, her respect for oneself, and for others?

What did/does her family think of this long intimate 30 year situation?

Her "life long companion is terminal, and chooses how he wants to live whatever time he has left, and evidently he chooses not to allow her to remain in his life, or get in touch with his family when he leaves, or when he dies".

In this case she will always wonder, and have no closure in person with him before he dies.

I can understand why she feels like a cheap mistress because not marrying has it's very sad numerous limitations. No ties legally for the past 30 years suited them both, until now.

Now it does not suit your friend to be completely shut out, but now it is too late. She chose her path 30 years ago.

Of course I can sympathize that she feels like a cheap mistress, but that cannot be changed. They each chose their paths to remain unmarried for whatever reasons, and they made those decisions 30 long years ago, so any regrets, now are futile.

Could they have married? Only they know why they chose not to tie the knot legally, because 30 years of togetherness is a very long time.

As for the money she inherited, either one could have $, property, etc., and still have been protected with a legally drawn pre-marital agreement.

Each of them would have been required to hire their own lawyers to legally represent them and safeguard their interests, according to their wishes.

Evidently they remained together for 30 years without the safeguard and sanctity of marriage, so at this point there is little your friend can do if her "life long companion" leaves and forbids her to have any further contact with himself, or his family.

It is his choice to do as he pleases, since he is terminally ill, and legally free to do as he wishes.

As for love......that is a different story, especially in this scenario, because in my humble opinion this type of relationship with no legal ties whatsoever, does not signify real respect or true love.

When you respect and really love someone you care about them, trust them, cherish them, protect them, share with them, lean on them, help them in time of illness and need, and feel compassion for them, and remain with them until the day comes and you are called home...... ALL OF THIS ABOVE SIGNIFIES, YOU TRULY TRUST, LOVE & RESPECT THEM, AND ARE ALSO TRUSTED, LOVED, AND RESPECTED IN RETURN.

In all honesty unfortunately they both chose their paths when they began their relationship of being life long companions 30 years ago, without any legally binding marital ties.

It is sad Vivian, but she has no leg to stand on legally since they never married, and all you can do Vivian is be there for her, and help her deal with this as best as you can.

There are stull those sayings even repeated time and again in today's modern world.... "The way you make your bed, you lie in it"..........and he may be of the mind set "Why buy the cow when the milk is free"....... That is what is so sad....because he got his cake and ate it with gusto, for 30 long years.... and now is no longer hungry and very full..... so to speak.

Now she will lie all alone, and never know what his outcome was, and never have real closure with him previous to his death.

She will also always wonder did the last 30 years of that so called relationship really mean anything to him?

Did he ever really trust, love, respect, and care about her?

As a woman my honest opinion is that I truly doubt it, because if the answer to the above was yes he did love, trust, respect, and care about her, then their story would not be ending coldly without any respect, caring, compassion, or love whatsoever, and his coosing to die alone and not allow her any involvement at all.

Their story would not end like this....with her being on the outside, and not being able to look in...and know he chose to deliberately shut her out of his life and not allow her any communication at all in view of the fact that he is dying, and that indeed should answer all her questions and concerns, because it certainly answered mine.

Re: A Friend in Need

missy1 — Sun, 17 Jan 2016 15:44:14 GMT

I can't believe your friend put up with this arrangement for 30 years. She must be lonely or desperate for a man, Is this man possibly living a double life? Has a wife, another lady in his life?

Re: A Friend in Need

Vivian — Sun, 17 Jan 2016 17:54:33 GMT

I so appreciate everyone here who took the time to respond. My friend keeps telling me she's a wreck, she's falling apart, she's miserable and hurt. Of course I listen. I know that's my role.

I guess I'm using this forum to vent my own frustrations. Have you ever seen a close friend or loved one go through great pain and hurt? I'm sure everyone has. What do you say to someone who says she's being tortured? At this point, what can she do? She was the one who refused to marry him. I think she never really trusted him, and with good reason. Nevertheless, she is paying a very heavy price for taking the path she chose.

Re: A Friend in Need

milkbone — Sun, 17 Jan 2016 18:03:53 GMT

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Posts: 1,335

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Re: A Friend in Need[ New ]

‎01-17-2016 12:54 PM

I so appreciate everyone here who took the time to respond. My friend keeps telling me she's a wreck, she's falling apart, she's miserable and hurt. Of course I listen. I know that's my role.

I guess I'm using this forum to vent my own frustrations. Nevertheless, she is paying a very heavy price for taking the path she chose.

.....................................................................................

Old saying

"The mind is like a bad neighborhood, never go in there alone"

Re: A Friend in Need

adoreqvc — Mon, 18 Jan 2016 17:24:45 GMT

Vivian you say you believe she did not trust him for good reason, and that was the reason she refused to marry him.

Well if there is no trust in any relationship, then there remains nothing to pursue.

Vivian your friend should have not pursued this relationship with such a person, especially if there was lack of trust in him.

Common sense to me dictates she should have found someone else who she could trust, and perhaps she would have not wasted 30 years in a relationship which was evidently doomed from the start.

Vivian now all you can do is offer her your caring kind support & friendship.

That's about all that can be done.

Now she must pay the piper since it is she who must bear the pain and the burden for everything that occured, since she did have choices but deliberately refused to heed the warning signs.

They both made their choices 30 years ago, and unfortunately now both must live with them.

Vivian there is an old saying "The dead with the dead, and the living with the living"

Regardless of events, past present or future, some things never cease, like Father Time who continues to march to the beat of his own drum.

"Life moves on, and in time so will she".

"I hope this has taught your friend a very valuable lesson, and she can learn from her past mistakes, to focus more wisely in future".

She is indeed very lucky to have you as a friend Vivian, and I really hope she knows that.