topic How you handle a break up? in Among Friends

How you handle a break up?

Luvsmyfam — Sat, 20 Nov 2021 01:49:32 GMT

as you can guess,I wear my heart on my sleeve.my story goes like this:I've had a younger male friend for yrs.we have never been on a date,but he sometimes come to my home.he has fixed things for me,offered sometimes good advice, and just pretty easy to talk to.i now want more from this relationship.we discussed this today at my house.he could not give me a direct answer.so I take it,he's not interested.i am crushed and wondering if I should just cut him off completely. Please,woman to woman,I need advice.get rid of his number?not answer anymore of his txts?texts? Has always sent me mixed messages.i hope this subject is appropriate in here

Re: How you handle a break up?

BoopOMatic — Sat, 20 Nov 2021 02:02:16 GMT

I would cut him off completely, block him on all platforms, and move on with my life. You can do better. Don't settle for crumbs. He isn't wanting a relationship, don't waste any more time. JMO

Re: How you handle a break up?

stevieb — Sat, 20 Nov 2021 02:02:39 GMT

I guess I wouldn't define this as a breakup. It sounds like the two of you have been more or less casual friends. You've decided you want to take it up a notch and he's either not sure he wants to or isn't interested. Frankly, it sounds to me as though you took him by surprise. You can toss his number and stop responding to communications or you can wait and see what develops. If it's clear all he wants is a friend then you can decide whether or not having him as a friend is worthwhile. Not all friendships are destined to go to the next level.

Re: How you handle a break up?

FancyPhillyshopper — Sat, 20 Nov 2021 02:06:23 GMT

Well, since you were never really together it is not a break-up. After many years as friends your feelings may have come as a great shock to him.

Is the friendship important enough that you would allow it to continue as is?

You may feel a bit embarrassed because you are discussing potentially changing the friendship, but you also need to give him time to ponder over the request and hear his perspective.

Sometimes relationships take time to geminate. Other times people are just better as platonic friends if the romantic spark was not there from the beginning. Do you know if he has had girlfriends in the time you have known him?

I am not clear what "mixed messages" means if you have never been on a date and have been friends for years. Maybe he just feels like he is being a fun and flirty friend.

In any case, you should consider being out more in the dating pool and meeting many new people. If you do not want to do online match-ups, perhaps you could consider getting involved in some activities that have a lot of men who participate, so you can broaden your dating pool. Life is too short to just stop or give up.

Re: How you handle a break up?

manny2 — Sat, 20 Nov 2021 02:10:10 GMT

@Luvsmyfam " He wouldn't give a direct answer" that speaks volumes. You do deserve better. You make the decision, and move on. Don't wait around for him to do it.

Re: How you handle a break up?

GenXmuse — Sat, 20 Nov 2021 02:11:46 GMT

Nothing ventured, nothing gained, but if he prefers to keep things on a platonic level and you enjoy his friendship then you'll have to decide if your heart will be able to continue the friendship without any hard feelings.

I'm not sure about what mixed messages you've been receiving but if you think he's been misleading you intentionally, it's probably better to just let go.

Re: How you handle a break up?

Luvsmyfam — Sat, 20 Nov 2021 02:16:56 GMT

Yes,you could say,this has been a flirty situation ,but sometimes sexual txts.when you are alone,and someone takes noticed,I perk up.i don't think I'm ugly,I don't think I'm gorgeous.im wanting companionship like most single women.if this conversation makes all of you,I understand and I will quit replying back

Re: How you handle a break up?

Luvsmyfam — Sat, 20 Nov 2021 02:42:23 GMT

@manny,you r absolutely right

Re: How you handle a break up?

manny2 — Sat, 20 Nov 2021 02:48:48 GMT

@Luvsmyfam wrote:
Yes,you could say,this has been a flirty situation ,but sometimes sexual txts.when you are alone,and someone takes noticed,I perk up.i don't think I'm ugly,I don't think I'm gorgeous.im wanting companionship like most single women.if this conversation makes all of you,I understand and I will quit replying back

@LuvsmyfamOK, so if this is the case it sounds like he wants a "friends with benefits" kind of relationship. Flirting, sexual text messages sounds like he wants the benefits without the commitment.

You said you want companionship. You will not be getting that here unless you are in the bedroom. Don't get involved in this thinking he is going to change. He won't.

Re: How you handle a break up?

manny2 — Sat, 20 Nov 2021 02:53:45 GMT

@Luvsmyfam wrote:
@manny,you r absolutely right

I give you credit for putting yourself out there, and telling him what you want. Now you know and can move on. There is somebody out there for you. Don't ever settle!

Re: How you handle a break up?

elated — Sat, 20 Nov 2021 03:29:38 GMT

I would move on. It is apparent he just wants to play with no further intentions. If he wanted to date, he would have done it. I wish you the best. There will be someone for you. It just takes putting ourselves out where we can meet eligible men.

Re: How you handle a break up?

justashopper — Sat, 20 Nov 2021 03:56:16 GMT

@Luvsmyfam

I am sorry. This kind of thing does sting and it's hard.

First of all, I would pull way back. Do not contact him first. So that could mean maybe things just fizzle out.

If he does contact you, I would just be honest and in your own words let him know, you respect he is only interested in friendship, but that's not enough for you. You don't want to be friends.

In my own experience, I have found that any kind of a mix signal should be taken as "not interested" Someone interested will jump at the chance to be with you. they will not do anything to risk you not liking them.

You deserve that and you will find it. In a way, this is good thing. You can stop wasting your time and move on. Don't let it get you too down. We all have been there.

Re: How you handle a break up?

chrystaltree — Sat, 20 Nov 2021 04:11:05 GMT

He's been a platonic friend to you, an older woman, for all these years. He never gave you any reason that he had romantic feelings for you. You want more than friendship from him now and it's unfortunate that you awkwardly blundered your way in asking him for it. I don't believe he sent you mixed messages. Finding a romantic partner is hard for older women and you heard what you wanted to hear. If he's pretending that nothing happened, if it seems like he wants be your friend and you want that too, you could just go back to normal and never mention what transpired. But if you feel that you killed the friendship and it cannot be repaired, send him a text and be honest. Tell him you have unreciprocated feelings for him so it's best that you don't see or speak to each other again.

Re: How you handle a break up?

GenXmuse — Sat, 20 Nov 2021 04:26:10 GMT

@chrystaltree wrote:
He's been a platonic friend to you, an older woman, for all these years. He never gave you any reason that he had romantic feelings for you. You want more than friendship from him now and it's unfortunate that you awkwardly blundered your way in asking him for it. I don't believe he sent you mixed messages. Finding a romantic partner is hard for older women and you heard what you wanted to hear. If he's pretending that nothing happened, if it seems like he wants be your friend and you want that too, you could just go back to normal and never mention what transpired. But if you feel that you killed the friendship and it cannot be repaired, send him a text and be honest. Tell him you have unreciprocated feelings for him so it's best that you don't see or speak to each other again.

He sent her sexual texts, so she's not just having some pie in the sky dream you're insinuating. Your reply just sounds like you want to cut her down and snicker about it.

Re: How you handle a break up?

SXMGirl — Sat, 20 Nov 2021 04:35:27 GMT

@Luvsmyfam What you need to answer is how cutting him off from your friendship will affect you. Do you value his friendship even if that is all that he wants? It seems that worked for a long time. Is it possible that he just did not expect this conversation and did not know what to say? Taking someone by surprise like this can be confusing.

If you continue the friendship, it might be awkward for a while, but he is still the same person that he was before your conversation. I would not block him, but I would wait for him to make the next move. You will then know how he wants to proceed, which I believe is now more important than how you want to proceed. Before blocking him, take a good long look into the future and decide how much his friendship means to you. In 20 years, do you still want to talk to him and be his friend? Good friends are hard to find, and it is very difficult to find them as we get older. Do not make a decision in haste.

Re: How you handle a break up?

Lucky Charm — Sat, 20 Nov 2021 05:02:24 GMT

@chrystaltree wrote:
He's been a platonic friend to you, an older woman, for all these years. He never gave you any reason that he had romantic feelings for you. You want more than friendship from him now and it's unfortunate that you awkwardly blundered your way in asking him for it. I don't believe he sent you mixed messages. Finding a romantic partner is hard for older women and you heard what you wanted to hear. If he's pretending that nothing happened, if it seems like he wants be your friend and you want that too, you could just go back to normal and never mention what transpired. But if you feel that you killed the friendship and it cannot be repaired, send him a text and be honest. Tell him you have unreciprocated feelings for him so it's best that you don't see or speak to each other again.

I pretty much agree with you.

If he was sending you 'sexual texts' and never once acted on them, then he wasn't interested in that with you. So that goes for the same for the 'mixed messages'. He would've tried......

I have a feeling you see the writing on the wall and it's hard. But I don't think you can go back to this 'friendship/handyman' relationship.

You feel slighted and it will be awkward.

If you're already thinking of removing his number and ignoring his next texts, I don't think you can go back to being friends.

If you mentioned his being younger than you, than that might have something to do with it? Or simply, he's just not into starting any kind of lasting romantic relationship with you -- which is clearly what you want.

Re: How you handle a break up?

KathyM23 — Sat, 20 Nov 2021 07:51:22 GMT

Since you want more from him than he wants from you, it is time to realize it is very unlikely that he will be interested in a more than friends relationship with you. As this "friendship" has gone on for years with no progression to even dating, it sounds like a dead end to me. Has he dated others during your friendship and just thinks of your relationship as a platonic friendship? Don't waste your time trying to pursue something that is not going to happen. Love is eiher there or it isn't.

It is hard to be alone and on your own. It is definitely time to get serious about finding a truly loving relationship stop wasting any more time trying to turn a friendship into a romantic relationship. You deserve much better and it is out there. May come in the most unexpected way.

It certainly doesn't hurt to have good friends so if you wish to keep this man as a friend only that is a decision is that is up to you. Men and woman can be friends.

Re: How you handle a break up?

sarahpanda — Sat, 20 Nov 2021 10:38:00 GMT

Your 'younger friend' will probably decide to curtail his time spent with you since he's aware now that you want more from the relationship than he's willing to invest. It's 'out there' now about how you feel - -- and I'd just leave the situation as it is now and gradually move on with your life in another direction, since he doesn't seem to want to fit into your plan. Chances are 'great' that you'll find someone much more compatiable than you are with him. You know how the saying goes.....closed door/open window. Believe it !

Re: How you handle a break up?

chiclet — Sat, 20 Nov 2021 11:01:06 GMT

If he wanted you he would have made it known a long time ago. Men are usually not subtle when they want a woman. Don't understand why he kept coming around and giving mixed messages but not for you to figure out. You need to put him out of your mind and go forward. I know that is not easy but necessary.

Re: How you handle a break up?

AngelPuppy1 — Sat, 20 Nov 2021 11:32:09 GMT

@Luvsmyfam

Your post says you have known him for some time. Now, that you have put your feelings out there and he has not really said that he wants to take this further, I would not contact him and wait and see what he does, if anything. Maybe you caught him off guard and he needs a bit of time to process. You have mentioned something about texts being of a se*ual or flirtatious nature. People interpret these things differently. You might see them as se*ual and he might see them as just being flirtatious and light hearted. If he was initiating these things and now tried to act like he is not interested in you in this way, then I feel he is misleading you. If your friendship or relationship has been purely platonic throughout, then it seems that he likes the relationship as is --or perhaps he felt you liked it as is -- and was waiting to see if you expressed a desire for it to go further. There are so many possibilities here that it's impossible to give sound advice. Are you certain that he is not married, or otherwise not involved in another committed relationship? If he reaches out to you, then I would have a talk with him and ask him frankly where he is in this and if he just truly wants to be friends, and stay as you are, and if you are willing to stay there, too, then, all good. If you feel you benefit from his compansionship and the help that he provides, without it interfering with the possibility of you looking into forming the type of close relationship that you might desire with a future partner, then by all means, feel free to enjoy his company. On another note, and this is entirely your business, if the relationship with him, has gone further than just pure friendship, and now he is acting as though he really does not want any commitments or any kind of permament relationship with you, then I'd be inclined to cut ties totally and move on and leave myself open to meeting someone who truly wants to be with me and find a relationship that is more fulfilling and meets all of my needs.