topic Re: Elder Care and Sibling Conflict in Among Friends

Elder Care and Sibling Conflict

chessylady — Mon, 30 Aug 2021 03:39:16 GMT

My dad is 94 and had prostate cancer surgery and then when his kidneys were blocked, tubes placed in his back to drain the kidneys into bags. This happened about 10 days ago. Me and two of my brothers are doing alternating 24 hour shifts at his house while he convalesces. He is weak but doing better than could be expected.

With adult siblings, there will be minor conflicts due to stress and uncertainty. I have been trying to cut everyone slack. Now this morning one of my brothers sent an email to me and my other brother laying out his grievances regarding incidences that occurred 7 years ago up to the present. He has been separated from his wife for about 18 months but they live next door to each other.

I thought I was close to the brother who sent the email and have been a sounding board for him. I have also been a mediator between the two brothers. So first I cried, then I meditated and prayed specifically for the brother who sent the email. I still have fear and anger that I am trying to deal with.

I decided to not respond to the email and will not discuss it with him. My other brother decided to do the same. Has anyone else experienced this and how did you handle it, what was the outcome?

Re: Elder Care and Sibling Conflict

Lucky Charm — Mon, 30 Aug 2021 03:14:48 GMT

I have no answers for you about what to do about your brother. I'm thinking that being thrust into caretaker may have put him on the brink and he just burst with something that has obviously been bothering him. It's not the time to do this, of course!

But, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that your father is going through this and at his age. I realize how hard this must be for you and your brothers, also.

I hope he continues to get better.

I'd probably tell that brother that is all you can focus on right now.

Re: Elder Care and Sibling Conflict

chessylady — Mon, 30 Aug 2021 03:24:20 GMT

@Lucky Charm Thank you, that is a good response.

Re: Elder Care and Sibling Conflict

ThinkingOutLoud — Mon, 30 Aug 2021 04:20:13 GMT

I think what people are usually needing/wanting is acknowledgment, validation and compassion. With that in mind, a response along these lines would be my suggestion -

"You've obviously been hurt and I'm sorry about that. I'm also sorry that you've been carrying this for so long. I see where you're coming from and I can see the part I played and where I can do better. I welcome open dialogue. This is a lot to process and I'll do that once dad is doing better and we're not all so exhausted. I love you and appreciate our relationship."

Re: Elder Care and Sibling Conflict

ThinkingOutLoud — Mon, 30 Aug 2021 04:22:33 GMT

I hope you're dad heals quickly. Take care of yourself.

Re: Elder Care and Sibling Conflict

phoenixbrd — Mon, 30 Aug 2021 04:32:57 GMT

@chessylady Yes, I have been in similar situation. Just focus on taking care of yourself and your father, you have enough to deal with without any drama. Be sure to take some quiet time and remain calm (I know, maybe not so easy but remember you have choices). Keep your dignity and self-respect....your main priority is your father. Wishing you the best.

Re: Elder Care and Sibling Conflict

jazzie3 — Mon, 30 Aug 2021 07:54:44 GMT

My experience is that these situations rarely end well. We took care of my father and now my mother-in-law. The children living closest to the elder always gets the brunt of the responsibility. Those who live further away are well insulated from the daily demands.
Having said that, I wish you luck and hope your father improves.

Re: Elder Care and Sibling Conflict

qualitygal — Mon, 30 Aug 2021 08:32:10 GMT

You're in a major stress situation. First after dad, do you. Take care of you. Whatever the brothers are going through, they need to work it out for themselves. It's a tough time. So take care of dad, then or also, take care of you. Totally see what you are going through. Realize, this WILL NOT go on forever.

Re: Elder Care and Sibling Conflict

Lilysmom1 — Mon, 30 Aug 2021 09:58:01 GMT

@chessylady , I went through an 18 month period where I lost three siblings, one every six months. The first died at age 59 with early onset Alzheimer's, one at 65 with lung cancer and one at 67 with ALS, all horrible diseases.

Family stress was high. I was major care giver to two of the three. By the time it was all over, I was exhausted. People do act out of character when under stress. Some pitch in and help and some don't. Some are troublemakers. I came to a place where I accepted that the only behaviour I could could control was my own.

With that attitude, I did my best to help and declined to participate in the drama. I found that to be my best way forward. If anyone tried to engage me in that dialogue, I simply said I was focused on care right now and left it at that.

Sending you a hug. You are in a difficult situation I wish you peace as you move forward. LM

Re: Elder Care and Sibling Conflict

mom2four0418 — Mon, 30 Aug 2021 10:58:56 GMT

@chessylady

Both of your brothers are grown men, and shouldn't need a mediator. I suspect that this has been the family dynamic for many years, and they will never change. Toxic relationships are exhausting. Your only tasks are to care for your father and yourself.

Re: Elder Care and Sibling Conflict

phoenixbrd — Mon, 30 Aug 2021 10:51:25 GMT

@Lilysmom1 You have been through some tough challenges. Even though you must have been exhausted, you handled it like a champ. I am so sorry that your siblings transitioned at such a young age. Your beautiful garden must have been a welcome retreat during this difficult time. You met the situation with dignity and established your boundaries while being of service to your siblings. Mush respect.

@Lilysmom1 wrote:
@chessylady , I went through an 18 month period where I lost three siblings, one every six months. The first died at age 59 with early onset Alzheimer's, one at 65 with lung cancer and one at 67 with ALS, all horrible diseases.

Family stress was high. I was major care giver to two of the three. By the time it was all over, I was exhausted. People do act out of character when under stress. Some pitch in and help and some don't. Some are troublemakers. I came to a place where I accepted that the only behaviour I could could control was my own.

With that attitude, I did my best to help and declined to participate in the drama. I found that to be my best way forward. If anyone tried to engage me in that dialogue, I simply said I was focused on care right now and left it at that.

Sending you a hug. You are in a difficult situation I wish you peace as you move forward. LM

Re: Elder Care and Sibling Conflict

godi — Mon, 30 Aug 2021 10:37:24 GMT

@chessylady So sorry for your family situation right now. Sending you prayers. @LuckyCharm gave you sound advice. ❤️🙏

Re: Elder Care and Sibling Conflict

chessylady — Mon, 30 Aug 2021 12:40:51 GMT

Thank you all for your kindness and sound advice. I know my focus is my Dad's health and my own..I cannot dwell on what has been said.

Re: Elder Care and Sibling Conflict

Roscoe the Rascal — Mon, 30 Aug 2021 12:42:01 GMT

Situations like this are tough. I have had my share.

I have found kindness and understanding goes a long way. My husband is a good and compassionate man, especially in drama situations. I lean on him for strength. I refuse to be the one in the middle or the one who does all the speaking up.

Stress like this is awful and stirs up so many emotions.

Not an easy time, but you can do it. I will pray you find the peace your family needs at this difficult time.

Re: Elder Care and Sibling Conflict

drizzellla — Mon, 30 Aug 2021 13:19:24 GMT

@chessylady

I don't know what happens to siblings as our parents decline.

I think not replying is your best course. You have alot to deal with your Dad. You don't need to add your brother's drama right now.

Sad but my brother did a similar thing. I let him spout off and never said a word. I doubt my opinion would change his mind after he had harboured resentment for many years.

Re: Elder Care and Sibling Conflict

Dusty1 — Mon, 30 Aug 2021 13:34:59 GMT

@chessylady Stay strong. Wow. Your Dad is 94 & dealing with all of that! What a man!

You got some kind advice here.

Just acknowledge your brother. Let him know he was heard. Then take the time to be with your Dad & appreciate him. It's good that you & your brothers are working together. That is huge!

It sounds like there is a lot to the story that you will have to think through, but maybe not right now?

Good luck.

Re: Elder Care and Sibling Conflict

Shanus — Mon, 30 Aug 2021 14:36:43 GMT

@ThinkingOutLoud wrote:
I think what people are usually needing/wanting is acknowledgment, validation and compassion. With that in mind, a response along these lines would be my suggestion -

"You've obviously been hurt and I'm sorry about that. I'm also sorry that you've been carrying this for so long. I see where you're coming from and I can see the part I played and where I can do better. I welcome open dialogue. This is a lot to process and I'll do that once dad is doing better and we're not all so exhausted. I love you and appreciate our relationship."

@ThinkingOutLoud What a loving way you expressed this issue. Perfection.

Re: Elder Care and Sibling Conflict

ECBG — Mon, 30 Aug 2021 19:49:01 GMT

@ThinkingOutLoud wrote:
I think what people are usually needing/wanting is acknowledgment, validation and compassion. With that in mind, a response along these lines would be my suggestion -

"You've obviously been hurt and I'm sorry about that. I'm also sorry that you've been carrying this for so long. I see where you're coming from and I can see the part I played and where I can do better. I welcome open dialogue. This is a lot to process and I'll do that once dad is doing better and we're not all so exhausted. I love you and appreciate our relationship."

@ThinkingOutLoud

Your response is so wonderfully worded!

Re: Elder Care and Sibling Conflict

Lilysmom1 — Mon, 30 Aug 2021 20:23:37 GMT

@phoenixbrd Thank you for your kind words. I have a special garden at the lake that was made during that time for my siblings. It gave me reprieve at a difficult time.

My heart goes out to @chessylady . Sending her thoughts of strength in these difficult days. LM

Re: Elder Care and Sibling Conflict

chessylady — Mon, 30 Aug 2021 20:29:56 GMT

@Lilysmom1 thank you, these posts have really helped me.