topic Re: Uncomfortable Visiting Neighbor in Among Friends

Uncomfortable Visiting Neighbor

Black Cat Back — Tue, 22 Dec 2015 02:44:15 GMT

I have a neighbor who is selling her home and moved to an assisted living apt type place.

I call her all the time and e-mail her also. However, I find it hard to go visit her there because my father was in a similar place when he was dying of cancer. He was there for a few weeks to give me respite (since I was his full time caregiver), but I found it so hard to keep him there. It broke my heart to leave each night, so I brought him back home and took care of him myself with a visiting hospice nurse a few days a week.

I know this neighbor wants me to visit her, but it's too hard for me to go in there. It brings back memories and I find it hard to be there. She has children who live here, but only one visits her. I do call a few times a week and e-mail her frequently.

I keep making excuses, and she keeps pushing that I need to come see her.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to appear unconcerned, but it hurts too much for me to go right now because of losing my Dad recently.

She tells me stories about the residents and their health issues, and it's too hard for me to be in that environment. She's very pushy, but don't know how long I can make excuses.

Re: Uncomfortable Visiting Neighbor

orange — Tue, 22 Dec 2015 02:50:34 GMT

Do you know if they allow the residents to have outings? If they do, why not ask her to go to a movie or out to lunch? I guess a lot depends on how close you are with her. If you are close I'd probably try and make the effort to go and visit her. It's not the same place your dad was in (so sorry for your loss - I miss my dad too) and you may be surprsied that it is a nicer environment than you expect. Just ideas.

Re: Uncomfortable Visiting Neighbor

Black Cat Back — Tue, 22 Dec 2015 03:00:30 GMT

@orange wrote:
Do you know if they allow the residents to have outings? If they do, why not ask her to go to a movie or out to lunch? I guess a lot depends on how close you are with her. If you are close I'd probably try and make the effort to go and visit her. It's not the same place your dad was in (so sorry for your loss - I miss my dad too) and you may be surprsied that it is a nicer environment than you expect. Just ideas.

She uses a walker and has hip issues. I wouldn't feel comfortable taking her out should she fall or something happens. I know the place she is living. I actually visited it before I found where to take my Dad. I turned away from this place because it smelled like disinfectant cleaners and was told that was a bad sign when looking at nursing homes. It rubbed me the wrong way.

She's very pushy. When her son comes to the neighborhood to check on the house, I'll say hi briefly when I see him. He then reports back to her how long I spent talking to him and she questions me on why I spent such little time talking to him. It's too much for me.

Sometimes she talks that she'll leave the assisted living facility and rent an apt and I should move in or next to her. I think I'm filling a void that her own children don't. Perhaps eventually I'll visit, but it's awkward and uncomfortable and I can't face it right now.

If I tell her my reasons, she'll feel bad being there. I'm sorry you have lost your Dad too. It's hard I know.

Re: Uncomfortable Visiting Neighbor

blackhole99 — Tue, 22 Dec 2015 03:17:49 GMT

Evidently this woman is under the impression that you care about her and her situation much more than you do. If you are unwilling to meet her needs and expectations I would be honest with her and distance myself from her. I think it's cruel to keep someone hanging and hoping when you probably have no intention of ever moving in or even close to her.

Re: Uncomfortable Visiting Neighbor

homedecor1 — Tue, 22 Dec 2015 03:25:15 GMT

you have to do at this time what's best for you esp this time of year when our emotions are "peaked" not having loved ones. I know what you are feeling

when I moved into this community there was an older couple across the street -- being neighborly became a total burden. God knows where her family was!

Omg what a nightmare for me. Her husband died then she was having health issues. Her kids put her in a skevy nursing/assisted living. She has since passed away but she used to call me all hours of the day/night to complain, ask me if I called her kids, when I was going to visit, etc.

She even put us as her contact, then the staff was calling me!

I only visited her once which was enough for me. I just had to separate myself as it was so depressing and the staff was #####👎🏻👎🏻👎🏻

I felt bad but felt I did a lot for her when she was my neighbor and her kids had the responsibility to oversee and visit her.

Sorry about the loss of your dad. I still miss mine and it's been 25 years since God called him home.

Re: Uncomfortable Visiting Neighbor

Black Cat Back — Tue, 22 Dec 2015 03:26:53 GMT

@baker wrote:
Evidently this woman is under the impression that you care about her and her situation much more than you do. If you are unwilling to meet her needs and expectations I would be honest with her and distance myself from her. I think it's cruel to keep someone hanging and hoping when you probably have no intention of ever moving in or even close to her.

I'm not keeping her "hanging." It's all in her mind that I would move in with her for goodness sakes! Her own kids don't give a darn. I have been kinder and more caring to her than her own children! I never gave her any indication that I would move near her or move in with her. It's not my responsibility to care for her. She is needy and lonely and has interpreted my being kind and caring into something that is beyond my scope.

I've already taken care of my ailing parents, I am not responsible for caring for her in her time of need. I've reached out in the best way I can right now. She expects too much. I can only give so much but am trying not to hurt her feelings in the process.

Re: Uncomfortable Visiting Neighbor

pattypeep — Tue, 22 Dec 2015 03:28:53 GMT

Please just tell her the truth. If she can leave the residence for an afternoon, pick her up for lunch and take her back when you've had your visitation time with her. IMO, honesty is always best.

Re: Uncomfortable Visiting Neighbor

Black Cat Back — Tue, 22 Dec 2015 03:30:56 GMT

@homedecor1 wrote:
you have to do at this time what's best for you esp this time of year when our emotions are "peaked" not having loved ones. I know what you are feeling

when I moved into this community there was an older couple across the street -- being neighborly became a total burden. God knows where her family was!

Omg what a nightmare for me. Her husband died then she was having health issues. Her kids put her in a skevy nursing/assisted living. She has since passed away but she used to call me all hours of the day/night to complain, ask me if I called her kids, when I was going to visit, etc.

She even put us as her contact, then the staff was calling me!

I only visited her once which was enough for me. I just had to separate myself as it was so depressing and the staff was #####👎🏻👎🏻👎🏻

I felt bad but felt I did a lot for her when she was my neighbor and her kids had the responsibility to oversee and visit her.

Sorry about the loss of your dad. I still miss mine and it's been 25 years since God called him home.

homedecor1...

Thanks for the kind reply. I know exactly what you mean by the staff and their behaviors at these places. That's one reason I took my Dad home again. I feel for you having a similar experience. I want to be kind, but she took advantage of it.

Wow, you really had your hands full. What a stressful time that must have been for you.

I feel for your loss too. I miss my dear Dad so much. Some days I think he's going to call me and be at my door, as if his passing was a dream. I miss seeing him and talking to him every day.

Bless you!

Re: Uncomfortable Visiting Neighbor

Toppers — Tue, 22 Dec 2015 04:18:54 GMT

@Hot Street wrote:
@baker wrote:
Evidently this woman is under the impression that you care about her and her situation much more than you do. If you are unwilling to meet her needs and expectations I would be honest with her and distance myself from her. I think it's cruel to keep someone hanging and hoping when you probably have no intention of ever moving in or even close to her.

I'm not keeping her "hanging." It's all in her mind that I would move in with her for goodness sakes! Her own kids don't give a darn. I have been kinder and more caring to her than her own children! I never gave her any indication that I would move near her or move in with her. It's not my responsibility to care for her. She is needy and lonely and has interpreted my being kind and caring into something that is beyond my scope.

I've already taken care of my ailing parents, I am not responsible for caring for her in her time of need. I've reached out in the best way I can right now. She expects too much. I can only give so much but am trying not to hurt her feelings in the process.

I understand where you're coming from. It's a real shame that her family isn't stepping up for her. They should have a plan in place for her, and should be the ones that she should be relying on for help.

I know how you feel, as I have been in your place when it has come to neighbors wanting to rely too much on me, instead of contacting their own family members for help.

Their own family members didn't want to be bothered, so then they wanted them to be relying on the neighbors for help 24/7, but these people weren't living in any kind of assisted living place or nursing home, either.

The neighbors all just happened to be older, and were dealing with health issues of their own, and shouldn't have been routinely relied upon for anything. In my opinion, it was an unfair burden to put that on people that they didn't even know.

Re: Uncomfortable Visiting Neighbor

homedecor1 — Tue, 22 Dec 2015 04:19:35 GMT

@Black Cat Back

Yes, I know how you feel like your dad is walking through the door. It's wierd I feel my dads presence everyday -- it can be a thought, doing something like making dinner and realizing it was a fav, and more. I was young (as was he 53 had major stroke and heart attack).

My younger son (28) was diagnosed with cancer and the first person I looked to for strength and guidance (after the prayers to God) was the wonderful memories I had of him. He was a no nonsense kinda guy but a loving, caring man to everyone!

Many nights I spent caring for my son and asked him to help me have strength to go forward. Thankfully we are celebrating 6 years cancer free!!

As for your current situation just realize (as I learned the hard way) when a person isn't attended to by their children it's not your responsibility. I'm sure your neighborly friendship took the "burden" off her kids but now it's time for them to "step up".

Don't make yourself sick you were a good friend to her and now if it's not good for you don't let others make you feel guilty.

Perhaps, in a nice way you can send her a note letting her know you care but it's not good for you to continue the friendship as you've lost a loved one and need your own time right now and know she's in a place where her needs can be met. (No explanation re: nursing home, etc).

Ps: I highly doubt she's serious about moving into a place right next door to you! I assume she's in the nursing home for good reasons and not just hip.

The woman who was my neighbor was 82 and I seriously think she had first stages of dimentia because some things she did made even me wonder!😏🙊😱

Re: Uncomfortable Visiting Neighbor

kahootz — Tue, 22 Dec 2015 06:15:10 GMT

I don't blame you for not wanting to go into the care center to visit. There is also a risk that you could get MRSA or a staff infection. It's very common in hospitals and care facilities. I think you just need to explain why you don't want to visit in person, but you will keep in contact via email and phone. I think that's pretty nice of you actually.

Re: Uncomfortable Visiting Neighbor

hckynutjohn — Tue, 22 Dec 2015 07:29:51 GMT

Regardless of what circumstances exist or the complexity of an issue. Foe me the best is, and always has been: "Tell it like it is" ! I see telling the truth "will set you free".

Yes, I have been in some tough and sad situations, but I never felt "beating around the b^^h" would solve any problems.

My best to both you and your neighbor.

hckynut(john)

Re: Uncomfortable Visiting Neighbor

Fona — Tue, 22 Dec 2015 10:08:30 GMT

Hot Street: I really understand how you feel and I truly sympathize because I once went through a somewhat similar situation. A number of years ago I befriended a very nice lady living in the next building. She was a widow and had no kids. We used to take the same bus in the mornings and she eventually suggested we go to lunch or a movie sometimes at a weekend. I was fairly new to the city and in the process of making new friends, so I agreed. Unfortunately, as the months went by, she became more clingy and kept telling me how alone she was. I then learned that she had very little money and I felt sorry for her and, since I had a good job, I found myself paying for her movie or lunch every time. Then the slightly abusive manner started - as in "Well, I would like to do..." [whatever - usually go to a pricy show] and if I wasn't interested she would add "but, OF COURSE, YOU wouldn't, would you...?" and I realized she was expecting me to do whatever she was suggesting and PAY. Suddenly I woke up and realized how trapped I was feeling because I didn't want to hurt her feelings (which shows how sucked in I was). However, one day after another of her remarks, something snapped in me and I told her straight out that I had no wish to continue the friendship and walked away. I had no regrets and the relief was enormous. A few months later I learned that she had developed dementia and was no longer living in the next building. Hot Street: I realize this is very longwinded but I am just trying to say these situations can drag on and you are the one who is suffering. My advice would be to take the plunge, pick up the phone (or e-mail) and explain how you feel and get it over with, and hopefully this will allow you to feel peace of mind. You really need to look after yourself first. My very best wishes to you.

Re: Uncomfortable Visiting Neighbor

Keeper of the koi — Tue, 22 Dec 2015 11:51:22 GMT

YOu are in no way responsable for this woman. She is being cared for and in a safe place I would start with talking to her son. I would let him know I cannot do anymore and need my own life. It might sound cruel at first but you cannot allow yourself to be drug down like that. Then I would send her a note saying I am glad we had time but you have obligations and that her children should be her priority.sometimes it seems some elderly think we all owe them something while not offering anything. I would also speak to the staff and let them know you do not want to be her contact, you are only an aquaintence. You need to set your self free from this family before they make you physically ill. Good luck,Maryanne

Re: Uncomfortable Visiting Neighbor

Desertdi — Tue, 22 Dec 2015 12:05:43 GMT

Some people use "guilt" to try and "lure you in".......like: You're so much healthier...........Your husband left you money............you can afford a car. And on and on it goes.

One of my neighbors asked if I could give her a ride to an appointment. I assumed it was "local"............turned out to be many miles away in a congested downtown business district.......... It was a two-hour "trip". Never again.

Re: Uncomfortable Visiting Neighbor

goldensrbest — Tue, 22 Dec 2015 14:41:20 GMT

This lady thinks of you as her family, if you do not think of her that way,you need to tell her nicely.But remember she is i a place ,that can be not so nice, too many people just do not care about their famlies and neighbors.

Re: Uncomfortable Visiting Neighbor

151949 — Tue, 22 Dec 2015 12:37:00 GMT

Why don't you just tell her the truth?

Re: Uncomfortable Visiting Neighbor

qualitygal — Tue, 22 Dec 2015 13:08:31 GMT

@Black Cat Back, have you been honest with her. I know they have very few visitors, but you have to allow yourself this break when it's still so hard for you. It's ok to do that. All you can do, is all you can do. This is her family's responsibility. You've tended to yours, and it's great what you have done for her. But it is ok, to do for you too now. JMHO

Re: Uncomfortable Visiting Neighbor

CrazyDaisy — Tue, 22 Dec 2015 13:12:02 GMT

Guess I am confussed, do you just not want to visit with her or is it just the place she lives? It does sound as if you are stringing her along with all the excuses, she is not asking you to take care of her just visit.

Re: Uncomfortable Visiting Neighbor

Sooner — Tue, 22 Dec 2015 13:16:50 GMT

I feel your pain and it is very hard to visit in nursing facilities. However, it is a fact of life, and perhaps THAT is the fear you need to face for yourself. Make peace with the fact that your father is gone, and maybe visiting and knowing that that is in the past and this is a normal part of life many many people deal with and go through will help you with those issues.

I have had four of my immediate family in nursing homes, and no, it is a terrible thing to go through and sometimes more so for the families almost. But most of us have to deal with it. And lots of people do not go see people because of that. You are not alone there.

I hope you can heal your hurt--and send you many prayers and hugs.