topic Re: They're just not that into me. in Among Friends

They're just not that into me.

FLgardener — Sun, 11 Apr 2021 15:48:20 GMT

For several years now family members expressed concerns about my wellbeing, after losing my soulmate of 40 Years.

Now I am up to speed, although it took more than a few years to connect again.

I find that family members and friends actually cut me loose.

It hurts.

Re: They're just not that into me.

Nonametoday — Sun, 11 Apr 2021 15:50:45 GMT

Maybe it was time for them and you to cut each other loose and find your own way into a new life.

Re: They're just not that into me.

nana59 — Sun, 11 Apr 2021 15:57:53 GMT

i don't understand what you are looking for from your family....what do you mean by "they're just not that into me."

Re: They're just not that into me.

Miss Pepsi — Sun, 11 Apr 2021 16:00:36 GMT

I understand how you feel. I had some family members cut me loose the night my husband passed. For me the wound is more fresh as it was only 7 months ago.

I try to tell myself, He it is their loss not mine but yes it does hurt. I have found "Family" in others and in the long run I know I am better off. I think you are too but yes I think deep down it will always hurt.

Re: They're just not that into me.

FLgardener — Sun, 11 Apr 2021 16:09:00 GMT

Yes, @Nonametoday , I think you are correct. I have a big enough ego and confidence in my brain power, that I think I can move on. There is still this emotional pull, but if I am to be healthy going forward, I think I must cut loose all the baggage.

Re: They're just not that into me.

FLgardener — Sun, 11 Apr 2021 16:14:22 GMT

@Miss Pepsi , Wow, you are so fresh into your loss. I, too, have experienced even close relatives and friends who just wanted to move me along quickly through grief. It has been literally an assault on me on top of my great loss.

Re: They're just not that into me.

Peaches McPhee — Sun, 11 Apr 2021 16:23:59 GMT

@FLgardener wrote:
For several years now family members expressed concerns about my wellbeing, after losing my soulmate of 40 Years.

Now I am up to speed, although it took more than a few years to connect again.

I find that family members and friends actually cut me loose.

It hurts.

Maybe too much time has passed. It is difficut to tell how much time has passed since you last spoke to them. Maybe they gave you the space you needed, and then just drifted off. Give them a call.

Re: They're just not that into me.

FLgardener — Sun, 11 Apr 2021 16:26:10 GMT

@nana59 , Well, for example, when I do attend a family function, I am relegated to a certain social area where it's obvious--"Poor Denise"--Let's get her a plate and send her off to a corner.

Re: They're just not that into me.

FLgardener — Sun, 11 Apr 2021 16:30:17 GMT

@Peaches McPhee , I never left the family dynamic. In fact I was a caregiver for twenty years for the family matriarch.

Re: They're just not that into me.

Nonametoday — Sun, 11 Apr 2021 16:33:46 GMT

@FLgardener wrote:
Yes, @Nonametoday , I think you are correct. I have a big enough ego and confidence in my brain power, that I think I can move on. There is still this emotional pull, but if I am to be healthy going forward, I think I must cut loose all the baggage.

@FLgardener

Bless you, Smart and Brave Lady. Go forth and create a new life, one that is appropriate for you at this stage and leave that life behind as it was intended, like cutting the apronstrings from your parents. There comes a time after a period of grief that we must move on into the new life. Many blessings on that journey.

Re: They're just not that into me.

PickyPicky3 — Sun, 11 Apr 2021 16:35:13 GMT

Within two days after the death of my father many, many years ago, a few family members "reached out" to tell me under what circumstances they would have contact with me and what topics of discussion were forbidden.

I guess some people just need to be in control.

Our lives and the people in it ebb and flow, ebb and flow.

Re: They're just not that into me.

Lucky Charm — Sun, 11 Apr 2021 16:40:13 GMT

@FLgardener wrote:
@nana59 , Well, for example, when I do attend a family function, I am relegated to a certain social area where it's obvious--"Poor Denise"--Let's get her a plate and send her off to a corner.

Awww, don't let anything like that even possibly happen again!

Actions speak louder than words. Next time....

Wear a wildly flashy outfit or something black and slinky.

Pull up in a new sporty car or better yet a Harley.

Smile from ear to ear wearing bright lipstick.

And don't let anyone put you in a corner. You show them the corner.

And ask them what the hell is wrong with them!

Re: They're just not that into me.

Kitlynn — Sun, 11 Apr 2021 16:51:05 GMT

I have no idea if this is your case or not. However I know a lot of people who have called and tried to stay in touch with a family member who has gone through some hard things. They are the ones that always make the calls and the other person never picks up the phone and calls them. So they just quit doing it. If you have not tried to call your family members then maybe you should be the one to pick up the phone. It is hard to reach out when you are hurting and trying to come back to a new normal. I hope you continue to move forward and with family members being there for you.

Re: They're just not that into me.

FLgardener — Sun, 11 Apr 2021 16:52:29 GMT

@PickyPicky3 , I am sincerely sorry you had to endure that. I hope to shed some light on this seriously deep form of discrimination which is rarely discussed.

Re: They're just not that into me.

GenXmuse — Sun, 11 Apr 2021 17:07:35 GMT

Maybe they felt you weren't that into them since you pulled away for two years (understandably) and are hurt that now you're readythey need some time to warm up. I would try to clear the air rather than ignore the elephant in the room. Maybe arrange for some one on one time with some of your family.
I've done the same thing before after a loss and I felt like the onus was on me to put the work into reestablishing connections. I tend to pull away when I'm going through tough times because I don't want to seem a burden but it can also give the impression of disinterest and detachment from people that love you.

Re: They're just not that into me.

Deree — Sun, 11 Apr 2021 17:09:17 GMT

The first thing that struck me when reading your post brought to mind the book I'm reading: Feeling Good by Dr. Burns. It suggests that we often have distorted thoughts about the reality of a situation and walks a person through reframing negative thoughts into positive thoughts and eliminating these distortions. Not to discount your feelings at all, but have you examined this possibility? That what you perceive may not at all be how your family thinks of you?

If you still care deeply about your family then I would certainly be more vocal with them about how you feel. If not, then nothing wrong with moving on and creating your own close circle.

Re: They're just not that into me.

FLgardener — Sun, 11 Apr 2021 17:13:53 GMT

@Kitlynn , Thank you for your thoughts. I have always been honest with my loved ones. There was no lapse in communications.

At some point, I became aware that they could not and would not accept the time frame of my grief . It was not

something they could relate to.

My loved ones needed to let me know they were not receptive to me when I expressed my own personal grief.

Re: They're just not that into me.

Love my grandkids — Sun, 11 Apr 2021 17:19:41 GMT

@FLgardener I would put my foot down and REFUSE to be relegated to a certain area. No how, no way. Don't allow this ever again.

Re: They're just not that into me.

on the bay — Sun, 11 Apr 2021 17:21:01 GMT

@Lucky charm,

I loved your post

and @FLgardener,

there are many wise posts here. I am sorry too for you being so hurt on top of losing your soulmate.

Sometimes I find that I think someone is thinking something when they are actually not. Like its not anything about me you know?

I would try to reconnect, maybe they don't know how to comfort you or re-establish connections. But then again if you are always the one reaching out, sometimes it is time to let go.

I know my mother realized after many years, that she was always the one reaching out to some friends. My daughters too. And re-evaluating all our relationships and what are the ones that are reciprical with caring and love. Those are the ones to hold onto.

It's hard to find a new life and purpose and happiness when such loss changes our lives and takes hope and courage to find it and I wish that for you.

Re: They're just not that into me.

Tinkrbl44 — Sun, 11 Apr 2021 17:27:20 GMT

@FLgardener wrote:
@PickyPicky3 , I am sincerely sorry you had to endure that. I hope to shed some light on this seriously deep form of discrimination which is rarely discussed.

@FLgardener

Honestly, I don't really understand your comments. They were supportive for several years, then "cut you loose" and then put you in a corner? Your family is discriminating against you? Huh?

I can't speak to how they reacted to your behavior, because I'm not sure what you did or how it appeared to others. Did you seek professional counseling or expect others to fix you?

The only thing that comes to mind .... and this just my speculation ..... is that you were a lot more needy than you realized, and that can be very exhausting for others, especially if it went on for several years, as you say. If they started avoiding you, that might be why.

A person in an emotional crisis needs help, but as they recover and improve they need less support. That's the way it should be. It doesn't mean they "cut you loose". JMO