topic Re: What Should I Do? in Among Friends

What Should I Do?

Thrive — Tue, 15 Dec 2015 23:00:18 GMT

My father passed away a couple of days ago. There is a dear female friend of his who got my number from my dad. She calls and drags me down with her. It is already difficult enough. In addition, I have MS and stress causes a flare up. She does not know about my MS because it's confidential. I don't know how to fix this situation with this lady. I already have enough stress on my own without her calling me. How can I handle this in a tasteful way?

Re: What Should I Do?

elated — Tue, 15 Dec 2015 23:09:29 GMT

Why don't you tell her you are dealing with your own health conditions and can not handle any more stress? Losing your father only added to your health struggle. Tell her you will call her back when you are in a better place. Ask her to please understand your situation and you would appreciate your time to grieve over your loss. I hope this will help. I am sorry for your loss.

Re: What Should I Do?

ladyroxanne — Tue, 15 Dec 2015 23:10:06 GMT

i am very sorry about the loss of your father. that is a truly devastating thing.

as far as this woman is concerned, i think you should come clean about your health condition. it's best to be upfront and how is she to know unless you tell her. this way she will be more sensitive (hopefully) and if you don't want her to tell anyone else, ask her not to. that's about the best you can do as far as i can see without completely alienating her.

best of luck to you.

Re: What Should I Do?

nana59 — Tue, 15 Dec 2015 23:13:05 GMT

Tell her this is a very difficult time for you and you will be in touch with her once you start to feel better......

Re: What Should I Do?

GCR18 — Tue, 15 Dec 2015 23:15:13 GMT

@elated wrote:
Why don't you tell her you are dealing with your own health conditions and can not handle any more stress? Losing your father only added to your health struggle. Tell her you will call her back when you are in a better place. Ask her to please understand your situation and you would appreciate your time to grieve over your loss. I hope this will help. I am sorry for your loss.

I would do this. If she continues to call, either cut her off and say I can't talk now and hang up or don't answer the phone.

Sorry for your loss.

Re: What Should I Do?

chickenbutt — Tue, 15 Dec 2015 23:21:21 GMT

I'm sorry for your loss.

I don't think you owe her to tell her your specific health challenges, especially since you have chosen to keep them private, but you could just say, as somebody else mentioned, that you are having some health problems and you are just not able to handle the stress. She's not entitled to know more than that.

Or just stop answering the phone, I guess.

Re: What Should I Do?

Trix — Tue, 15 Dec 2015 23:29:23 GMT

First of all I'm sorry for your loss. Dealing with death at any time is hard, but when it occurs during what is supposed to be the most happy time of year the strain increases. Having to deal with a stressful and unpredictable medical condition adds to your troubles. If it were me I would thank the lady for calling and extending a gesture of friendship, but cut calls short. When she calls if you choose to take the call, then make up an excuse to cut it off on your terms. I usually say something like I have to get going to make an engagement, or there's someone at the door. You can also be honest and say thanks for calling, but I'm not feeling up for conversation right now and we'll get together soon. You can stop taking her calls, but personally I find that rude since you've allowed the door of communication to open.

Whatever you do god bless you as you struggle through this most difficult period.

Re: What Should I Do?

jackthebear — Tue, 15 Dec 2015 23:30:42 GMT

First sorry to hear about the death of your Dad.

I have a couple of ideas

Is there someone living with you who can run interference and answer the phone, and say you can't come to phone right now. There is absolutely no reason for you to be chit chatting on the phone to someone you don't really know.

If not just let your answering machine pick it up and don't feel guilty about it. The lady should have some manners

Re: What Should I Do?

Keeper of the koi — Tue, 15 Dec 2015 23:35:36 GMT

Furry, please accept mmy condolences .As someone with a serious illness I agree stress is not good. You simply need to tell this woman you are overwhelmed at present. Take her number tell her you will get back to her. She should understand . if not reiterate you are not trying to be rude but under stress , no need to give personal info. Take care of yourself dear one....Maryanne

Re: What Should I Do?

Noel7 — Tue, 15 Dec 2015 23:40:45 GMT

@Furry wrote:
My father passed away a couple of days ago. There is a dear female friend of his who got my number from my dad. She calls and drags me down with her. It is already difficult enough. In addition, I have MS and stress causes a flare up. She does not know about my MS because it's confidential. I don't know how to fix this situation with this lady. I already have enough stress on my own without her calling me. How can I handle this in a tasteful way?

**********************

I hope I can give you some helpful advice. I have lupus and stress like you are going through can bring on a flare.

You have to learn to say no, you have to learn to protect yourself. I say that with kindness and understanding because I have been there and I know it's not always easy to put your health before others.

You can say something like, "I am sorry I can't talk right now, I need to rest, this is a difficult time for me."

You have to be firm because many people will push their needs on you.

Please accept my sympathy on the loss of your father. I wish you all the best

Re: What Should I Do?

jubilant — Wed, 16 Dec 2015 11:40:33 GMT

I am very sorry for your loss. I really think it depends on what kind of relationship you have with this friend of your dads. If it is amicable, I think I would thank her for calling and tell her that you didn't feel like talking about it at this time or that you needed time to yourself to grieve. If your feelings toward her aren't amicable and/or you don't want to talk to her at all, I would say the same thing but leave off the, "thank you for calling" phrase. That way she may not feel it necessary or wise to call you back.

Re: What Should I Do?

gailcoco — Wed, 16 Dec 2015 00:01:52 GMT

I have a different take on this situation. Is this friend of your father also grieving? Where they close, close - in the man - woman sense? If so, your father may have asked his friend to help you through this hard time and grieve together. If this is the case, then I suggest you limit the amount of time spent on the phone but be kind as she is also grieving and reaching out to you.

If this female friend was not very close to your father then you can be a bit more blunt and tell her you are too overwhelmed to talk and need time and space right now.

Best wishes for you and a prayer goes out for you.

Re: What Should I Do?

Noel7 — Wed, 16 Dec 2015 00:34:17 GMT

People who don't have a serious chronic illness, or haven't lived with someone who does, really have no idea what the issues are that are involved.

The OP has said this woman brings her down. That's the crux of it, right there. The OP doesn't owe anyone anything when we are talking about her health.

It is the first and most important thing those with a chronic illness must learn... or we could end up in the hospital with a serious problem.

There will always be people who will take advantage of others, who will drain them, drag them down just as the OP described it. Being nice to them will change nothing, but it is possible to be nice while firmly saying "No."

Re: What Should I Do?

Keeper of the koi — Wed, 16 Dec 2015 00:37:53 GMT

Beautifully said Noel.....Maryanne

Re: What Should I Do?

Thrive — Wed, 16 Dec 2015 00:42:07 GMT

Thank you to Noel and all of you wonderful ladies. I feel like I know exactly how to handle this person now! I feel like a little stress has been lifted. God Bless

Re: What Should I Do?

Noel7 — Wed, 16 Dec 2015 00:44:00 GMT

@Keeper of the koi wrote:
Beautifully said Noel.....Maryanne

********************

@Keeper of the koi

Keeper of the koi, that is so nice of you to say. Please know how much I appreciate hearing that from you

It took me a long time to get to the point where I could say no without feeling guilty, including with one woman I knew who used to chastise me if I said I didn't feel good enough to go out with her.

I hope it helps the OP to hear that it's OK for her to say no to being dragged down. I read enough about chronic illness other than lupus to know most of us suffer the same issues, and being able to say no without guilt is one of them.

Re: What Should I Do?

Noel7 — Wed, 16 Dec 2015 00:43:06 GMT

@Furry wrote:
Thank you to Noel and all of you wonderful ladies. I feel like I know exactly how to handle this person now! I feel like a little stress has been lifted. God Bless

********************

Re: What Should I Do?

adoreqvc — Wed, 16 Dec 2015 00:51:44 GMT

My Dear Furry,

Please accept my deepest condolences on the loss of your dear Father.

Grief takes many forms, and people react differently.

Many isolate themselves and welcome the isolation and being alone, although for too long a period of time, that is not at all a healthy option.

Others really feel the need to reach out and share their grief, especially if in your situation your Dad was a very close friend with this Lady.

Who knows, he may have asked she keep communications open with you, if he could no longer communicate himself.

I also sympathize and am so sorry in addition to losing your dear Father, you also have very serious health problems, and I agree grieving in itself is totally a debilitating very stressful situation, but compounding that with your specific health disability really adds so much additional anxiety and stress, into what is already a very sad, and stressful situation.

Grief is never easy, but you must be honest with this gal and only relate what she really needs to know, but reassure her that when you feel much stronger and the grieving is not as painfully intense, you will contact her, but ask she respect your right to grieve privately for as long as it takes.

You cannot permit anyone to place added anxiety and stress on your now, but do tell her if she is really grieving that you understand, and perhaps she can join group therapy grief sessions which specialize in loss & grief.

That may help her in a better way, since that is interactions with many who are also experiencing loss and grief.

Please also do a QVC Community search and type in Delayed Grief, and read the posts and replies....I and others have contributed so much and I know it will give you much insight as to what the solo grief journey entails, when we lose someone we loved, in case this is the first grief journey path you will walk.

It is a very sad confusing journey which we all must take when those we love pass away, and leave us to go on with our earthly tasks.

The Delayed Grief thread certainly helped me during my most darkest moments. We all shared our own personal grief journey experiences, and helped others understand all the grief steps which are clearly referenced.

Also please speak with your Physician if you feel the need, as there are non addictive meds that can be prescribed to offer you help with dealing with your loss, and grief.

Perhaps you may or may not need a grief group session, but only you can make that decision after some time has passed.

Just please do not totally isolate yourself because vast depression can do a great deal of harm to your mind, and body.

God bless you Furry, and btw I do check the Delayed Grief thread often, as others also do in my absence since I do travel a lot.... and we all try our best to help anyone who posts.

In closing I can add you also must be diligent and ensure you do drink and eat, and take your vitamins along with any other meds prescribed to help you get through this very difficult time.

“Your beloved Father would not want you to grieve indefinitely, but do whatever you can to ensure you do not jeopardize your very existence in any way while you are grieving.

After the grieving lessens your Father would want you to continue to enjoy life and live, as that was the intention when you were created.

Death is a part of life, and painful as it is, we can only learn to eventually accept what we have no control over, and what we cannot change, and go forth as best as we can.

Re: What Should I Do?

Thrive — Wed, 16 Dec 2015 01:09:12 GMT

Thank you Adoreqvc! I will check into the group that you mentioned.

God Bless

Re: What Should I Do?

Bird mama — Wed, 16 Dec 2015 01:13:34 GMT

@Thrive

Furry, first of all, I am so very sorry that you've lost your father. Please accept my condolences.

When my DH died and I was going through some grief counseling, my therapist suggested I use this phrase to cut off unwanted conversation on the subject.

"Now is not a good time for me to discuss this"

The thought is, most people will be accept this and not push by asking so when is a good time.

Then again, I don't know the woman's personality. You may need to be a bit more stern and just say you are trying to deal with your own grief at this time and are not emotionally able to help her handle hers.