topic Re: Supporting Husband needs in Among Friends

Supporting Husband needs

luvGodUSA — Mon, 18 Jan 2021 21:19:15 GMT

Living in a very small community where everyone knows everyone else, I don't talk about certain topics of a personal nature for fear of these talks will not remain private. So here I am to discuss with strangers my need to discuss a subject, church. We have been going to this church for 16 months now and wish not to attend this church anymore. How we got started, I went to one service without my husband (to check it out) and then my husband joined me and we have been going almost every Sunday morning service. Husband enjoys going and likes the people and knows most of them already, its only has a congregation of six to eight people, three are the minsters relations, so are absence would be noticeable. He gives weekly and gives when special funds are requested because he wants to. The only reason I still go is for my husband, he gets something out of it and I don't want to be the reason he stops going. He will not go without me, at one time I was to ill to go and stated he wont go alone. I have reasons why I don't want to attend this church. I'm not against going to church, been going since I was a child, he has not, we have attended other churches in the past where we lived elsewhere,. Tying not to be negative towards this church and keeping my reasons to myself. Need words of encouragement to continue going to this church. Thank you. . .

Re: Supporting Husband needs

Travone — Mon, 18 Jan 2021 21:27:11 GMT

Would he be open to trying different churches in the area until you can find one you both enjoy?

Re: Supporting Husband needs

jlkz — Mon, 18 Jan 2021 21:29:35 GMT

@luvGodUSA

You don't say why you don't want to go to this "gathering", but it must be very important to you.

I have learned the hard way over many years and counseled other women to trust their gut. Since it is a small community, I would search out a larger church outside the local community, one that has many parishioners who are not related to the leader.

Sometime about that gathering gives me bad vibes. Your spouse can still contribute to it if he so desires but choose something more mainstream for attendance. This way you get to meet many more people and broaden your circle. This may become very important as time goes on.

Re: Supporting Husband needs

Kachina624 — Mon, 18 Jan 2021 21:32:51 GMT

I certainly would not encourage you to keep going if you dont enjoy it. I feel certain there are other churches in the area you could try as a couple. Hubby would undoubtedly follow you and would soon adjust. You don't owe an explanation to anyone. If anyone with the present group questions you, just say you wanted to try a more expansive experience with a larger congregation. Let them figure that out.

Re: Supporting Husband needs

Lipstickdiva — Mon, 18 Jan 2021 21:34:39 GMT

Church is important to me and therefore I attend mass. My husband does not. My husband not going doesn't stop me from going.

If that church was that important to your husband, he would attend without you unless there is some physical reason why he cannot. Since church is important to me, I cannot imagine attending a weekly service and disliking it, being uncomfortable, etc. I wouldn't do it.

Re: Supporting Husband needs

chrystaltree — Mon, 18 Jan 2021 21:35:28 GMT

I assume you are not conjoined twins so I don't understand why he won't go without you. I suspect you haven't told him how you feel. Church isn't like attending a movie, church is something we should be attending for spiritual reasons. It should give us peace, joy and fulfillment. If don't like that church, if it just isn't right for you, you are not getting any of those things form it. Be honest, explain it to you husband. You could soften it by agreeing to attend occasionally or on special days like Easter or Christmas.

Re: Supporting Husband needs

KLm — Mon, 18 Jan 2021 21:37:32 GMT

I agree with trusting your instincts.

You really don't need a reason to stop doing something you don't want to do. If you continue to attend this church only to keep your husband happy, your own happiness will suffer.

Keep yourself happy.

Re: Supporting Husband needs

alicedee — Mon, 18 Jan 2021 21:40:43 GMT

Tell your husband you want to go to church, but not that particular one. Tell him why not.

If he tries to coax you into it, just repeat "No, it not for me" if it is truly important to you. Let him know he can continue if he likes, but again...it is not right for you.

I would follow through with visiting other churches .... on your own, if necessary....to find one that is a better fit.

I know I would not attend a church where I didn't feel at ease.

Re: Supporting Husband needs

nana59 — Mon, 18 Jan 2021 22:57:46 GMT

you said you need words of encouragement to continue going to this church....you need words of encouragement NOT to go to this church...if you are uncomfortable there....your husband needs to attend by himself...i wonder why there are so few people there.....six to eight people-is that considered a congregation?? maybe you've already figured that out......

Re: Supporting Husband needs

luvGodUSA — Mon, 18 Jan 2021 22:36:05 GMT

Thank you all for your sound comments and insights. I do feel resentment. I do watch other on-line services to fill the void that I'm not getting from this church. Thank you again for listening, much respect to you all.

Re: Supporting Husband needs

eadu4 — Mon, 18 Jan 2021 22:39:42 GMT

@luvGodUSA Your husband sounds a little like mine. I have had to "force" him to step outside the box and do things that were uncomfortable for him without me. I always had to make all the phone calls, set up appointments, go with him everywhere and yet when it came to me I always had to do it alone. I finally put my foot down and made him start making his own calls, and going to his appointments (if he actually needs me there I go, but he's a big boy and he can go by himself). It's taken time but he is learning to do things without me. This might be one of those times you need to put your foot down. You say he knows everyone and enjoys them, then he should have no problem going by himself. He needs to know you just don't share his enjoyment in it. It's not a crime and it truly is not something you should keep to yourself and suffer. I did that with my first husband, and learned with the 2nd one. It always sounds so cute when couples do "everything" together but when the time comes and one passes the other one is left totally devastated and has no direction in life. I believe in doing things without your spouse. You don't need them with you 24x7. Some will argue with me and yes it's a personal choice. But for you, I'd say sit down with him and talk it out. How long would he suffer going somewhere you liked and he didn't?

Re: Supporting Husband needs

RedTop — Tue, 19 Jan 2021 20:32:07 GMT

@luvGodUSA,

I feel sure your husband is relaxed, and most comfortable in this very small, friendly, weekly gathering, compared to a larger church.

My husband was more at ease in our rural country church where the congregation was made up of 6 core families and a few other neighbors. He really was not comfortable when we joined a larger church where our daughters had school friends and more opportunities to learn and interact in group settings.

My small area of WV has quite a few of these "independent" churches that are mainly one or two families supporting a new pastor gaining his footing. In a few cases these little churches are formed by an unhappy group who broke away from a larger church, for whatever reason. My husbands cousin pastors such a little church, and appears to have a small, "faithful flock", but while Pastor __ is basically licensed to preach and perform marriages (no formal seminary type education involved here) his church is not recognized, nor supported on a state level, as in thru the Methodist charge. The weekly offering pays for building expenses, special dinner events at the church, and his salary.

I personally would seriously question this "church" and what your weekly offerings are funding.

Re: Supporting Husband needs

PreKteacher — Mon, 18 Jan 2021 23:07:20 GMT

All of my life, I've gone to church with my family, so I can understand why your husband wants the both of you to go together. But, I also think if he wants you to go together, then it needs to be a church you both like. If he's worried about hurting feelings, he should just tell the other members that you've both decided to look for a larger congregation, but that he would like to meet with the others socially from time to time.

Re: Supporting Husband needs

luvGodUSA — Mon, 18 Jan 2021 23:32:15 GMT

I am very impressed by these comments. As I read your comments I'm going yes, yes, your right, how in the world do you all know. Great feedback. Thanks.

Re: Supporting Husband needs

henderson — Tue, 19 Jan 2021 00:41:17 GMT

I would pray for God to lead you and your husband to a church that you feel is right for you. We left a large church after 15 years to a smaller one. God was "nudging us" to do this. I do feel that if you leave you need to tell the pastor why you are leaving so they don't keep calling or contacting you why you're not there on a Sunday. Your spiritual growth is important and if you're not getting fed, you need to leave. This is just my opinion.

Re: Supporting Husband needs

ECBG — Tue, 19 Jan 2021 01:37:45 GMT

If this church isn't right for you, it's not right. Period. Trust your inner instincts.

Re: Supporting Husband needs

vsm — Tue, 19 Jan 2021 01:59:04 GMT

Have you told your husband why you no longer want to go? You're going to have to, at some point.

Re: Supporting Husband needs

mamaslittlepotato — Tue, 19 Jan 2021 02:08:42 GMT

Do you know why it’s such a small congregation? Is it new? If not, then there must be some reason that people aren’t going there. I don’t know your husband, but I think if you found a new church he would probably go with you, especially if you tell him why you don’t want to continue with this one.

Re: Supporting Husband needs

Anonymous032819 — Tue, 19 Jan 2021 02:24:47 GMT

My dad was just the opposite.

He was attending services at the local Catholic church, but he found the congregation to be too large for his comfort.

He felt invisible, like he just disappeared in the crowd, with no interpersonal connections with anyone there.

So he found a smaller Lutheran church nearby, where the attendees were mostly seniors, and there was more one-on-one support.

He was happy there.

I don't know if this is of any help, but I thought that I would offer a different view.

Re: Supporting Husband needs

1Snickers — Tue, 19 Jan 2021 02:28:24 GMT

@luvGodUSA Maybe you could skip a Sunday occasionally. My Church and my son's are online during the pandemic. That's not an excuse but a reason not to attend.
Your husband could have coffee outside to social distance with the friends he's made if he doesn't want to go alone.
Your husband may want to know the reason you don't want to attend.