topic Re: Possible dementia in Among Friends

Possible dementia

Vivian — Fri, 11 Dec 2015 17:46:57 GMT

I know this is not the be-all end-all forum for solutions to serious problems but I need to see the experience of others. I have had many talks with our doctor, a gerontologist. All I'm looking for here is the experience of those of you out there who may have gone through this. My 72 year old husband has shown signs of serious memory loss. He says things repeatedly, and denies he ever did. He forgets things he's been told and fights against accusations that he has been told those things. Just this week he lost his cell phone. He had told me that if the old phone were found, he was told he needed to return the old phone. When he found the old phone I reminded him he needed to send it back but he argued incessantly this morning that this was not true. I had to prove what I was saying, based on what he had told me originally, by online information. He refused to admit that he had been wrong but fortunately he's sending the found phone back.

Just last night we were talking about our granddaughter. We called her by her nickname and he couldn't remember her real name. I was shocked, reminded him of her real name, and he came up with the excuse that he was tired. This is ludicrous. He is in total denial and angry that I have pointed out his forgetfulness. He refuses to see a doctor. I have spoken at length to our family doctor, a gerontologist, who met with my husband and says only time will tell if he has Alzheimer's. But what do I do while my husband is still somewhat competent but clearly showing signs of potential dementia? His grandmother died of Alzheimer's at the age of 63. Family members tell me to take him to a neurologist. He adamantly refuses to go. It took everything in my power to get him to our family doctor. I don't know what I can do. He's not that bad yet but I don't want to wait until he's so incompetent that I can have him carried off somewhere.

Re: Possible dementia

PAlady — Fri, 11 Dec 2015 18:01:57 GMT

I am sorry to hear about your husband. Maybe you can find a support group near you and go to a meeting and ask them how they handled this, you may get some good tips or they may be able to send to you the right direction.

Good luck.

Re: Possible dementia

LTT1 — Fri, 11 Dec 2015 18:24:02 GMT

@Vivian

You are in a tricky situation.

A young lady (former student) has now moved, given up her job, and is taking care of her mother, who has early onset dementia. Her husband, her dad, is in denial.

You can see from an objective point of view, that this young lady has lost so much of the freedom of young adult life. It is sad.

The idea of a support group is a good one. Perhaps others can prepare you for the inevitable downward spiral.

Has the MD recommended any Alheizmer's meds for your husband? You really need the support of the medical community in order to carry out the steps necessary to keep both of you safe from harm.

It DOES sound (to me) like you are witnessing some signs of mental deterioration. Also, it is a well-known fact (I have read) that people can become angry and show personality changes due to dementia. Watch for the condition to get worse "after sundown."

Please make sure the gerontologist knows what you are seeing and when you are seeing the behaviors that are concerning.

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I wish you well, but remember, if you are not well-rested and healthy, you cannot be as good for your husband.

Re: Possible dementia

2blonde — Fri, 11 Dec 2015 18:29:54 GMT

My heart goes out to you, and I believe your conclusions are on target. Surely at this point he recognizes that something is wrong, but he is in denial (wouldn't you be?). I'm hoping he will soften up once he can accept that he has a problem. In the meantime, I also think a support group is a great idea. God bless, and good luck to you.

Re: Possible dementia

Ibby114 — Fri, 11 Dec 2015 19:18:51 GMT

When the signs were there for my stepmom (who had been in our lives 30+ years), my Dad made sure all the paperwork was in order- that medical and financial power of attorneys were handled- the wills (his as well as hers- since he was on dialysis) as well. Your dh might be in denial but I can tell from your post you're not- it'll make things easier in teh future if items like this are taken care of during his current state.

Re: Possible dementia

Mz iMac — Fri, 11 Dec 2015 19:38:37 GMT

"He refuses to see a doctor."

"Family members tell me to take him to a neurologist."

Your family members are correct. Perhaps you can enlist family members on taking him to a neurologist.

The earlier you get treatment for your husband the better for YOU & him. Especially, if you will be the main and/or only care giver. Otherwise, your only other alternative is to place your husband in a nursing home....one that deals w/dementia and/or Alzheimer's which are two different medical conditions.

Re: Possible dementia

Mactective — Fri, 11 Dec 2015 19:44:23 GMT

There is an awesome book that might help you. It's entitled Untangling Alzheimer's by Dr. Tam Cummings. I work in the field and this is the only book I ever recommend! This is a very difficult situation for you and your husband. Throughout the journey, don't forget to take care of yourself.

Re: Possible dementia

game-on — Fri, 11 Dec 2015 22:53:07 GMT

I bet that your husband is experiencing some pretty powerful feelings about all of this..... and fear might be at the top of his list. Fear of losing one's independence, fear of losing one's mind.... that must be scaring the living daylights out of him. And then he has to battle you for his existence.... or that is the way it must feel.

Being the spouse/caregiver of a person who is going thru this is not an easy role to be in.... so his problem affects you in a big way. However, being an adversay isnt going to help.

I know you dont want to be the adversary but his slow loss is putting you in this position.... and it doesnt feel good.

I think you need some tools to help you deal with this.... i know i would look things up on the internet, read any books i could find, ask for sources, go to a group....

I think will be a learning process.... and i know it will not be easy.... so be kind to yourself....

Re: Possible dementia

Mz iMac — Fri, 11 Dec 2015 23:31:27 GMT

Another resource is your local SENIOR Social Service. This department can advise you of all the local resources available to you & your husband. Take full advantage of them all.

Most are located in your town's Municiple Building.

Re: Possible dementia

gailcoco — Sat, 12 Dec 2015 00:16:21 GMT

There are many sites where you can get a copy of a mini-mental exam - most primary care physicians use this test to evaluate a patient.

Here is a link for you: www.dementiatoday.com/.../2012/06/MiniMentalStateExamination.pdf

Re: Possible dementia

Noreen — Sat, 12 Dec 2015 00:27:59 GMT

@Mz iMac wrote:
"He refuses to see a doctor."
"Family members tell me to take him to a neurologist."
Your family members are correct. Perhaps you can enlist family members on taking him to a neurologist.
The earlier you get treatment for your husband the better for YOU & him. Especially, if you will be the main and/or only care giver. Otherwise, your only other alternative is to place your husband in a nursing home....one that deals w/dementia and/or Alzheimer's which are two different medical conditions.

Seriously, this is important. Alzheimers is only one kind of dementia.

Re: Possible dementia

RedTop — Sat, 12 Dec 2015 15:42:54 GMT

My heart goes out to you with this situation, and hope you can convince your husband to see a neurologist for appropriate testing, before something serious happens.

A good friend of mine is anxiously waiting on a diagnosis for her 70 year old FIL, who recently did something that threw the entire family for a loop. As usual, "Pappy" dropped his wife off at her job that morning, but instead of going back home, he was going to drive into the next county (50 miles round trip), to pick up a special order, then pick up the grandkids from school, before picking up his wife from work. Pappy wasnt there to get the kids after school, so their dad left his office to pick them up. He calls Pappy's cell to make sure he's okay, and Pappy answered right away, sounds his usual self, etc. Son asked Pappy where he is, and Pappy says he's on his way to pick up his order, so son says okay, but asks specifically where his dad is, as 6 hours have passed since Pappy left town; he should've picked up the order and been back in town hours ago. Pappy tells son he's on I-77 South, and just passed a sign that said "Welcome to South Carolina"!!! Pappy lives in WV, and his trip was just across county lines and back, but he has traveled hundreds of miles in the opposite direction!

After the family gets Pappy home, safe and sound, they gather to try to figure out what happened, and it became quite clear that Pappy was clueless to what he had done. He told his family he was on his way to pick up his order, stated the name of the town where he was going, stated the route he was supposed to take to get there, and in his mind that was exactly where he was going, but that was not where he actually went. Pappy also remembered he was to have picked up the grandkids when he got back in town, and was annoyed that his son had picked them up, because that was his job, and he was going to do it, as soon as he got back........ At this point in the family conversation, it is quite obvious Pappy has an issue that needs to be checked, and when his children start talking about this coming out of nowhere, wife confides that the last time she sent Pappy to the grocery store alone to get something, he came home with 2 of them; one from Kroger and one from WalMart, and that he was gone a long time. One of the grandchildren overheard the words Pappy and lost, and proceeds to tell how sometimes Pappy is late picking them up from school because he says he got lost, and he even gets lost driving them home. Their school is in the center of town, so Pappy only has to back out of his driveway, drive to the end of his road, take a left, go thru 3 stoplights, and turn right onto school property.

The medical doctor strongly suspects Alzheimer's, but testing is still being done.

Re: Possible dementia

Big Sister — Sat, 12 Dec 2015 09:08:13 GMT

My husband died with complications of Alzheimer's. Fortunately, I was able to take care of him at home for three years. He died at 74.

In the early stages while he could still function, we had our lawyer draw up estate planning papers, including a Power of Attorney which will enable you to take care of banking, investments, etc. That is very important.

I urge you to do that now and I wish you luck, but I know you have a long road ahead of you. God bless you.

Re: Possible dementia

jlkz — Sat, 12 Dec 2015 13:55:35 GMT

When my mom started to show signs of dementia in her late 70's, the worst became apparent when she stopped her car on the road and could not remember how to get to her daughter's for her hair appointment. Dad took her car keys without much trouble.

I got involved later when I was asked to call the local police. They had picked my mom up confused at a Wawa close to her house on a late Sunday afternoon ( she was 80 and had crossed two busy streets that afternoon to look for her mother). My dad had been in the bathroom when she left the house.

I took her to the neurologist as her primary care doctor suggested. Before every doctor visit, I had the nurse give the doctor the typed sheet of all the things that my mom had done since the last visit. The progression was truly frightening. My dad went on all these appointments and said his usual "nothing is the matter."

My dad stopped arguing with my mom about lots of things: her nonstop repeating of sentences and questions; her eating lunch again right after she had just eaten; wearing a clean skirt instead of the very stained one she lived in; her hiding things and forgetting where they were ( she had placed a ring she wanted me to have in a safe place---years later we found it in the bottom of a paperclip bowl !); the going up to the bedroom and talking to people who had passed on; and, the situations went on.

Finally we got her into assisted living. When that time comes, if it does, please look for a facility that only houses memory impaired folks with like kind. The first one we chose had folks mixed together on several floors which led to much mental confusion daily as the impaired folks were shuttled up and down elevators several times a day. We found out the hard way as she was hospitalized in a lockdown unit twice. When we moved her to a dedicated facility, the quality of her and our lives changed for the better. Ultimately she became so impaired that a nursing home had to be found.

My dad visited her everyday. When it was his turn, he went very quickly with another type dementia--Lewy Body Syndrome-- which is dementia with a twist of Parkinson's.

My heart goes out to you and to your husband: besides its being a "long goodbye," it will take so much pain and heartache to complete this sad journey. Caregiving is extremely hard on every body involved. Before it destroys you, have plans on how you will give yourself some respite or you won't be able to function.

God bless caregivers--I pray for them every week .

Re: Possible dementia

Stray — Sat, 12 Dec 2015 16:05:49 GMT

First off, your DH may be in denial but most likely he doesn't realize that he is having an issue. The advice you received here was very good. While he has his faculties, take care of our finances and estate planning or it can get very difficult going the legal route as we did. Find a very good elder care attorney; they guide you re issues that arise with care, decisions, resources....Make sure, he has a health care proxy in yourself and a back up person. Then, you must get an accurate diagnosis.....as some said, Dementia can be cause by other conditions. My mil had Parkinson's with dementia and there is a remote possibility it could be related to something organic. My friend's husband expibited signs of dementia but it was found, his insulin needs had changed; he is a diabetic. I would suggest you document his episodes and record some conversations with him so when he does not believe you, you can show him or he can listen to what he said. It is not unusual for those with dementia to have some paranoia because they do not understand what is happening to them and may think it is you not them having the problem or that you are trying to "trick" them with questions about memory. If he does realize there is a problem, it is disorienting and frightening to him as he fears losing control and that is normal. Don't yell at him when he disagrees but sit down quietly and lovingly and have the very difficult conversation....stating "we have a problem and I will always be there to help you through whatever comes our way but this is what we must do....see the neurologist, there are medications that can help etc....outline a plan in a quiet supportive way....medications can help and often can postpone some of the symptoms if started early enough. Support groups are helpful once you have a plan and diagnosis....but start with an elder care attorney and he/she may help you deal with much more than legal issues....but, be sure the person is referred to you by someone you trust. Good luck....it is very difficult ....I was in health care at the time, I had to deal with dementia with a family member and I was overwhelmed at times....take time for yourself, keep up with your own health....

Re: Possible dementia

151949 — Sat, 12 Dec 2015 16:29:12 GMT

i thought my DH was developing dementia and I was pretty frightened. Last Jan. he had a small stroke and they started him on plavix. That seems to have made a huge difference in his mentation and for now he is doing well. I can only pray it keeps up. He is only 71 - and he is physically very well.

Re: Possible dementia

just bee — Sat, 12 Dec 2015 16:41:13 GMT

@jlkz wrote:

My heart goes out to you and to your husband: besides its being a "long goodbye," it will take so much pain and heartache to complete this sad journey. Caregiving is extremely hard on every body involved. Before it destroys you, have plans on how you will give yourself some respite or you won't be able to function.

God bless caregivers--I pray for them every week .

No truer words. My mother battled Alzheimer's and my favorite sister was her caregiver. She died unexpectedly just two weeks after her 50th birthday. After my sister's death, I moved my mother out here and soon decided to go to nursing school. It isn't uncommon for the caregiver to die before the patient. I urge people not to try to do it alone. You can't. You shouldn't.

Re: Possible dementia

Big Sister — Sat, 12 Dec 2015 23:43:16 GMT

Vivian, if I may, I would like to offer another piece of advice:

Don't argue or contradict anything your DH says. Your life will be a bit more peaceful. He may not recall that you just told him something or that he was wrong and you may try to prove you're right. That may go on and on. In the end, it's not important. As my friend used to say: "don't sweat the small stuff."

It won't help and will just frustrate him more. Most likely he knows there is a change in him but can't put "his finger on it." He may be confused and scared.

Re: Possible dementia

jlkz — Sun, 13 Dec 2015 00:31:19 GMT

I can still the remember the first afternoon that my mom went into assisted living due to her memory impairment. Everyone had left the little apartment and in a moment of clarity my mom said to me " I know I am starting to fail ".

I told her that we know this and that is why she is here where everything will be taken care of for her.

The clarity never really remained. There was a brief stage where she was angry and violent toward caregivers but that passed. In some ways, her personality calmed and she became pleasant -- she even complimented me for the first time in my life. When she could no longer remember my name, she took to calling me "Lovely Lady." RIP.

Re: Possible dementia

Moonchilde — Sun, 13 Dec 2015 00:59:56 GMT

To all the excellent and comprehensive advice already given, I can only second and stress that you should NOT do what my mother did. Out of love, she took on *everything* in the household that required any kind of thought. When she would tell my step-dad "no" about something important, that could have endangered his/their safety, he sometimes threatened her with violence. She would not admit it but she became afraid of that.

She took on ALL the stress that living with an Alzheimers sufferer creates, and she did this right up until SHE was hospitalized in a cardiac crisis due to the stress and worry. At that time, I took my step-dad to a nursing facility. He was fairly deep in symptoms - far more than my mother should ever have dealt with. Within a month he needed to be transferred to a specialized, locked facility and within another 2 months he knew no one.

All the years of this had ruined my mother's health and she could never again, physically or emotionally, enjoy her life. She used it up on him.

No matter how much you love your husband, PLEASE don't do what my mother did. My heart aches for you. It's so difficult.