topic Re: Making a tough decision in Among Friends

Making a tough decision

hyacinth003 — Mon, 23 Nov 2020 07:51:51 GMT

My father passed away a little over a year ago. I am almost finished with his estate, and may end up with no family left! But that's a separate story.

Last week, I decided to contact an attorney to file suit against the assisted living center my Dad was living in. Facts are that my husband and I arrived to visit around 5:30pm. Ahead of us in the drive were the local paramedics. Turns out they had been called for my Dad. He was on the floor in the bathroom of his room. He was in a lot of pain and it was felt strongly that he had a fractured hip. Testing in hospital reveals he did indeed have a fractured right hip. He was screaming in pain and inconsolable. I begged all the people who came in to please get more pain medication for him. He was screaming that he had fought for this country and why was he being allowed to suffer. My husband and I tried to reposition him, talk to him, distract him, etc. He did receive more Morphine and some Valium for muscle spasms. I have never seen him like this.

We stayed and walked up to his room with him. He became very belligerent and verbally abusive to us and staff. He screamed in pain as they transferred him into bed. I wanted to stay, and stayed to help the nurse get his admission history, etc. I would have stayed even all night, but we thought he might calm down if we left, since he began yelling and my husband and I. Reluctantly, I decided to leave, and told him "I love you" before we left. I never saw him conscious after that.

Some hours later, his oxygen level dropped and he had difficulty breathing. Tests showed a heart attack and pulmonary embolism. Took him between 3-4 days to die as we followed his advanced wishes. These are all risks for fractured hips, and it killed him.

He was a huge fall risk, and often did not call for help when getting up. He had a button on his wrist that he seldom used. He was calling for help on the bathroom floor. It was dinner time, and we are not sure how he ended up in the bathroom alone. We had hired private help for 12 hours to be with him from 8pm to 8am for supervision in getting up. So the assisted living only had 12 hours to really keep a watchful eye on him. We spent thousands of dollars to help protect him.

So after taking a year to consider it, this is the decision I have made. I don't feel like a WW2 Marine Corps. veteran, and a man who took care of my mother for many years as she deteriorated from MS, deserved to die this way. Won't bring him back and money won't make me feel better (my inheritance hasn't). I just feel I need to do it.

Hyacinth

Re: Making a tough decision

rockygems123 — Mon, 23 Nov 2020 08:10:22 GMT

@hyacinth003 I'm so sorry your dad who fought for our freedom had to go this way in pain and clearly you are in pain too.

You mentioned a separation of family, are they on board with this lawsuit or are you alone in this?

Re: Making a tough decision

HLP — Mon, 23 Nov 2020 08:34:59 GMT

@hyacinth003 wrote:
My father passed away a little over a year ago. I am almost finished with his estate, and may end up with no family left! But that's a separate story.

Last week, I decided to contact an attorney to file suit against the assisted living center my Dad was living in. Facts are that my husband and I arrived to visit around 5:30pm. Ahead of us in the drive were the local paramedics. Turns out they had been called for my Dad. He was on the floor in the bathroom of his room. He was in a lot of pain and it was felt strongly that he had a fractured hip. Testing in hospital reveals he did indeed have a fractured right hip. He was screaming in pain and inconsolable. I begged all the people who came in to please get more pain medication for him. He was screaming that he had fought for this country and why was he being allowed to suffer. My husband and I tried to reposition him, talk to him, distract him, etc. He did receive more Morphine and some Valium for muscle spasms. I have never seen him like this.

We stayed and walked up to his room with him. He became very belligerent and verbally abusive to us and staff. He screamed in pain as they transferred him into bed. I wanted to stay, and stayed to help the nurse get his admission history, etc. I would have stayed even all night, but we thought he might calm down if we left, since he began yelling and my husband and I. Reluctantly, I decided to leave, and told him "I love you" before we left. I never saw him conscious after that.

Some hours later, his oxygen level dropped and he had difficulty breathing. Tests showed a heart attack and pulmonary embolism. Took him between 3-4 days to die as we followed his advanced wishes. These are all risks for fractured hips, and it killed him.

He was a huge fall risk, and often did not call for help when getting up. He had a button on his wrist that he seldom used. He was calling for help on the bathroom floor. It was dinner time, and we are not sure how he ended up in the bathroom alone. We had hired private help for 12 hours to be with him from 8pm to 8am for supervision in getting up. So the assisted living only had 12 hours to really keep a watchful eye on him. We spent thousands of dollars to help protect him.

So after taking a year to consider it, this is the decision I have made. I don't feel like a WW2 Marine Corps. veteran, and a man who took care of my mother for many years as she deteriorated from MS, deserved to die this way. Won't bring him back and money won't make me feel better (my inheritance hasn't). I just feel I need to do it.

Hyacinth

I think your causing yourself more trouble. How do you know anyone was derelick in their duty and how can you prove it? Sickness, pain, and death are never pretty. Why don't you just try to accept your Fathers passing, and be at peace with it and yourself.Why was your Dad abusive to you and your husband, sounds like this is not the whole story.I'm sorry for you that you lost your Dad, but I can't understand why a year later, you want to get revenge. Many people lose love ones, I worked on a code team in a hospital, People die..

Re: Making a tough decision

hyacinth003 — Mon, 23 Nov 2020 08:36:39 GMT

@rockygems123

I have not discussed it with my brother. In the past, there is no doubt I would have. But I don't feel he nor his wife have treated me the right way while I have acted as executor of my father's estate. My Dad wrote his will, not me! They have not answered a single question I have asked. I did tell my sister-in-law early on to stay out of working the estate. She tried to do it, and she had no legal right to it. I had already set everything in motion. So then they refused to even answer a handful of questions I asked.

As executor of the estate, I am considered my father's "personal representative." My brother's opinion doesn't really matter, although I suppose he could be unhelpful if called on. I also believe he would be entitled to a portion if there were any settlement. I will tell him when I have more information for him.

I am not looking for any fights! This past year has been so painful in ways I never knew possible. My Dad was ready to join my Mother again, but I can't get past his pain and suffering - he didn't deserve it.

Hyacinth

Re: Making a tough decision

hyacinth003 — Mon, 23 Nov 2020 08:43:18 GMT

@HLP

My dad became abusive due to side effects of all the pain medication he was on. There were no problems between my dad and myself and husband. He had reacted that way to Morphine in the past. Nothing nefarious to see there.

Since I am an RN, I have knowledge of standard of care. A fall leading to a fractured hip and death in a few days is not a normal occurrence in a care facility. Especially since we the family provided 12 hours of privately paid help, in addition to $7,000 per month to live in the assisted living.

Yes, I am well aware that death happens. And I took over a year to think about it. And this is my very considered course of action.

Hyacinth

Re: Making a tough decision

January121 — Mon, 23 Nov 2020 09:20:39 GMT

@hyacinth003 wrote:
@HLP

My dad became abusive due to side effects of all the pain medication he was on. There were no problems between my dad and myself and husband. He had reacted that way to Morphine in the past. Nothing nefarious to see there.

Since I am an RN, I have knowledge of standard of care. A fall leading to a fractured hip and death in a few days is not a normal occurrence in a care facility. Especially since we the family provided 12 hours of privately paid help, in addition to $7,000 per month to live in the assisted living.

Yes, I am well aware that death happens. And I took over a year to think about it. And this is my very considered course of action.

Hyacinth

@hyacinth003 ..... I am 100% with you on your decision .... if you don’t follow your heart you will never forgive yourself for not doing it ..... do it & don’t try to talk yourself out of it or let anyone else try to change your mind.. I wish you the best.

Re: Making a tough decision

Anonymous032819 — Mon, 23 Nov 2020 10:30:56 GMT

@hyacinth003

I am so sorry for the loss of your dad, but what was it that the assisted living facility did wrong, exactly?

Also, can you afford financially to have this lawsuit go on for years, if they decide to drag it out?

how are you going to feel, and what are you going to do if you loose?

Lastly, are you able to prove that the facility was negligent in his care?

You may feel that they were, but proving it, is a whole other animal.

Again, I am so sorry for the loss of your dad.

Re: Making a tough decision

itsmagic — Mon, 23 Nov 2020 10:40:55 GMT

I’m so sorry to hear this happened to your father. I think sitting down with a reputable experienced attorney will give you clarity going forward.

Re: Making a tough decision

AngelPuppy1 — Mon, 23 Nov 2020 11:16:44 GMT

@hyacinth003

I am so sorry for the loss of your father and my deepest condolences. I am sure that you and your husband provided the best care possible for your father. And I do know from past experience that often when people are administered strong pain medicine that they often have bad reactions which can be wild outburts, abuse, hallucinations, etc. I imagine at that point your dear father was in such pain, too, at that point, that he really did not know what he was saying or doing. I have no medical training or knowledge at all, but when your dad fell and it was thought he did suffer a severe injury, a broken hip, etc., wouldn't a person normally just be taken to a hospital? I experienced a similar situation with a relative of mine and they took her by ambulance to the nearest hospital. Broken hips are very dangerous and quite often fatal in elderly people I do know this. I think if you feel bringing a suit against the center will bring you some peace for you and justice for your father, then you should. But as others here have said, it might take a long time to have resolution and this might just cause you more protracted suffering and pain. Whatever you do, I wish you the best. Blessings.

Re: Making a tough decision

panda1234 — Mon, 23 Nov 2020 11:25:02 GMT

@hyacinth003 I have been working at a nursing home for 11 years. These lawsuites are very common. My facility will usually give the family $20,000 to make it go away. If this is going to give you peace of mind then by all means go forward, you don't want any regrets.

Re: Making a tough decision

hyacinth003 — Mon, 23 Nov 2020 11:29:33 GMT

@AngelPuppy1

The facility did call the ambulance promptly (to my knowledge) and he was taken to the ER. My husband and I happened to arrive at the same time, while he was still on the floor in the bathroom. After they put him in the ambulance, we followed them right to the hospital. We remained in the ER the whole time with him.

It was my last time to talk to him as he became unconscious some hours later. He developed every serious complication from a fractured hip.

Hyacinth

Re: Making a tough decision

AuntG — Mon, 23 Nov 2020 11:32:44 GMT

Sad indeed, but I don't think you can prove much. My sense is he rarely used his call button, something they can document.

Re: Making a tough decision

AngelPuppy1 — Mon, 23 Nov 2020 11:33:03 GMT

@hyacinth003

Oh, my --- I am so sorry! You gave him the best support and care possible. Whatever you do, I wish you the very best.

Re: Making a tough decision

godi — Mon, 23 Nov 2020 11:36:25 GMT

So sorry for your loss. Your dad was an honorable man from what you write here. Would he want you to do this or would he want you to move on and just remember the good times with him? Reliving this nightmare and having to prove it is just going to keep you from living your best life. Whatever you decide good luck and God Bless. 🙏

Re: Making a tough decision

hyacinth003 — Mon, 23 Nov 2020 11:37:22 GMT

@panda1234

I wouldn't do this just as a "nuisance."

My dad had fallen before as they were well aware. He was alone in that bathroom to fall on a tile floor. If we were there, we stayed right outside the bathroom door. It was dinner time and I think they were busy. I believe that is negligence. We provided private paid help for 12 hours of the evening, night. And he paid $7,000 a month to this facility - they owed him a duty.

That is not the way he should have died. He deserved and was entitled to better.

Hyacinth

Re: Making a tough decision

Isobel Archer — Mon, 23 Nov 2020 11:44:34 GMT

If I understand what you are saying, sometime before 5:30, (when your additional paid help was not there) your father fell and broke his hip. Despite being a fall risk, he often did not call for help when getting up.

Then you describe how he was screaming in pain at the hospital despite your continued requests for additional medication - and you do not believe he should have been allowed to suffer in this way.

I'm confused as to what the specific fault is that you are suing over. Is it that the Assisted Living Facility should have known he wouldn't call for help in getting up and should have stationed someone in his room to assure he didn't fall? Otherwise, how would they know when he went to the bathroom? Or should they have moved him to the Nursing section because he could no longer function safely in Assisted Living?

I do have sympathy for your situation. My mother also fell and broke her hip in Assisted Living. She refused to use her walker in her room as well as refusing to acknowledge that she got dizzy when she got up abruptly. She didn't use her call button either and - like your father - the attendant found her because of her screaming - and immediately called 911. She also died shortly after her fall of a heart attack.

It's heartbreaking to realize that people don't always act in their own best interest, but I'm not sure that is the fault of the Assisted Living facility.

It sounds like you are also upset with the hospital for allowing him to suffer - in your view unnecessisarily - are you suing them also?

Again, I am very sorry for your loss, but like others, I hope in your grief, you don't cause yourself more upset than you need to. You've been through enough.

Re: Making a tough decision

hyacinth003 — Mon, 23 Nov 2020 11:43:48 GMT

@AuntG

That does not absolve them at all. It means they should have had another plan of care. He wasn't responsible for his actions. He was alone in that bathroom to fall. People are in care facilities for these reasons. He had fallen before, which upped their responsibility.

The fact it caused death just makes it worse.

Hyacinth

Re: Making a tough decision

hyacinth003 — Mon, 23 Nov 2020 11:46:35 GMT

@Isobel Archer

I do not hold the hospital responsible. They were trying not to overmedicate him either. I understand this.

Hyacinth

Re: Making a tough decision

Imaoldhippie — Mon, 23 Nov 2020 11:55:57 GMT

I dont understand what you are going to sue the assisted living center for? From what you have described I dont see any neglect or mistreatment or malpractice on their part.

I am so sorry that your father had to go through all of that before he passed. But know that he was not in control of his mental facilities at the time, either due to dementia or the morphine.

@hyacinth003

Re: Making a tough decision

millieshops — Mon, 23 Nov 2020 12:02:12 GMT

@hyacinth003 No one will argue that your dad deserved to suffer so, and it is horrifying to see that pain. The lawsuit would have to be about responsibility rather than emotion. You will need to prove someone failed to act properly - that’s possible but it’s not what you have told us.