topic Re: RELATIONSHIP in Among Friends

RELATIONSHIP

Calcgirl — Tue, 08 Sep 2020 20:11:47 GMT

My partner and I are widow and widower and have been living together for the past three years. I nursed him back to health from Prostrate cancer and surgeries. We share expenses and get along quite well. Marriage is out of the picture mainly I believe because of his three grown children, none of them have ever been married either. Although his late wife,God rest her soul has been gone from htis earth for 14 years they act as if she just died and apparently havent moved on beyond grief. Loving my late husband as I do and did I understand.

My children and grandchildren have always treated my partner as part of the family. When they call they always ask how he is doing and to tell him hello, when they are present, they laugh and talk to him in a warm fashion. We both got Covid, I surprisingly had a worse case which was touch and go at times. His children called him daily to see how he was doing, but never asked about me or have never said to tell me hello. Again I brushed it off since they are men.

When my partner travels to where they live out of state ( except for one who lives near by) I am never asked to go with. I probably would have declined anyway so again it doesn't really bother me anymore.

To the present: Son came out for a quick visit, sons told my partner they wanted to take him out to a high end restaurant to celabrate his birthday, Fathers day and getting well, but they wanted it to be just the three of them and did not want me to go with because it was a boys night out. I never did see the son who came out by the way. Thsi for some reason hurt my feelings. None of them came here to care for their dad and as sick as I was I also took care of him. Of course he also took care of me. I could tell he was uncomfortable telling me about their dinner plans but i kept quiet. My sister thinks I should share my hurt feelings with him, but I am hesitant to do so because he will get defensive for his sons and say it was a night out with his sons. Now I know why I am not invited to their family out of town get togethers. The son who lives near by and I get along, maybe it is because the other son and sister live out of state and resent that their dad is in a relationship with me, I dont know. I do know for certain that he would never confront his kids because he felt due to being gone alot with his business and work he wasnt a good husband or dad.

Re: RELATIONSHIP

Love my grandkids — Tue, 08 Sep 2020 20:21:56 GMT

@Calcgirl His kids don't and never will accept you. You can tell the partner your feelings are hurt but what can he do about it?

Neither you nor he can force a connection between you and his kids. Likely won't change.

IMO it does you no good to dwell on this situation. You know what it is. You need to just accept it and realize it likely won't change. But I think you know that, right?

No surprise they didn't ask about you. They don't accept you, as you have stated.

There's really nothing you can do and likely the dad wants to keep a good relationship with his sons so he's not gonna rock the boat, either.

Re: RELATIONSHIP

Calcgirl — Tue, 08 Sep 2020 20:34:22 GMT

@Love my grandkids wrote:
@Calcgirl His kids don't and never will accept you. You can tell the partner your feelings are hurt but what can he do about it?

Neither you nor he can force a connection between you and his kids. Likely won't change.

IMO it does you no good to dwell on this situation. You know what it is. You need to just accept it and realize it likely won't change. But I think you know that, right?

No surprise they didn't ask about you. They don't accept you, as you have stated.

There's really nothing you can do and likely the dad wants to keep a good relationship with his sons so he's not gonna rock the boat, either.

I agree with everything you have stated. As I said, it has never bothered me before because they are very self=centered and their dad shared when we met, their mom spoiled them and the two who live out of state were against him dating again. I think it may have hurt me this time because I still feel under the weather and feel emotional. YUK . Like everyone else this has been a tough year, I spent my birthday (72) sick and isolated.

Re: RELATIONSHIP

Calcgirl — Tue, 08 Sep 2020 20:36:38 GMT

Next time he gets sick, I should text them to come out and care for their father.

Re: RELATIONSHIP

itsmagic — Tue, 08 Sep 2020 20:39:52 GMT

It sounds like your partner is probably not going to try to facilitate the relationship between you and his kids but knowing me, I probably would mention how it bothers me in a nonconfrontational way just so he knows. And then assuming it doesn’t change I would have to decide if I want to accept it as it is or if it bothers me too much.

Re: RELATIONSHIP

chrystaltree — Tue, 08 Sep 2020 20:43:11 GMT

Just leave it alone, it is what it is. Don't bring it up with your husband, he knows how they treat you. He knows they haven't accepted you and they never will but he can't do anything about it. If he tries to defend them, that will hurt you create stress between you and your husband. Leave things as they are. I have seen this type of situation in my own circle, the adult children disrespect, ignore, exclude their parent's spouse. I understand that it hurts but they just are not decent people. Lucky for you, they are the out of state ones.

Re: RELATIONSHIP

Mom2Dogs — Tue, 08 Sep 2020 20:47:07 GMT

@Calcgirl wrote:
Next time he gets sick, I should text them to come out and care for their father.

@Calcgirl I was thinking the exact same thing...his children are rude.

Re: RELATIONSHIP

Foxxee — Tue, 08 Sep 2020 21:03:04 GMT

@Calcgirl

Are you the one who previously posted your partner visits his family members without you during Christmas?

"Marriage is out of the picture mainly I believe because of his three grown children."

There are other widows and widowers who get married despite some of the kids don't approve. If he loved you he would marry you.

You said, "We get along." Is he thinking this relationship is one of convenience rather than love?

"I am hesitant to do so because he will get defensive for his sons and say it was a night out with his sons."

Did he move in with you or you move in with him? If he moved in with you, he has a place to live, a caretaker, cook, and housekeeper. If that's the case, I'd kick him out.

If you moved in with him...well I'd never do that. Either we'd get married and find another place to live, or he'd never see me again.

I wouldn't put up with this.

Re: RELATIONSHIP

alicedee — Tue, 08 Sep 2020 21:05:22 GMT

Speaking for myself, that situation would never fly. I would make it clear to my partner that my epectations from him were love and loyalty. I would consider it extremely disloyal for him to not insist you be included in a fancy dinner out....that you are never asked about when they call is rude and unacceptable behavior. It's not like this is a fly-by-night affair....you have a long history with this man.

As I said, I am only speaking for myself, and I would insist that my partner put me in a higher place on his pecking order. I would not just be a companion and nursemaid....I would expect to be treated with the respect and concern a man should give the woman he loves.

You will have to do what works for you. Know that unless you insist on a change, he is not going to do anything any differently. Maybe you are willing to accept that. We are all different, and have our own needs and expectations from a serious relationship.

Good luck to you, and I hope you get feeling completely well very soon. You've been through a lot of illness and stress.

Re: RELATIONSHIP

ECBG — Tue, 08 Sep 2020 21:41:44 GMT

@Calcgirl First of all, the sons and your partner are all very rude. You can't re-rear the sons, but you can let him know how you feel. He enables their behavior, and in doing so endorses, the sons. If he is fully vested in your relationship, I don't know why he doesn't.

I would certainly tell your partner and remove the smoke from your relationship.

A very good move would be for the two of you to go to a family counselor. They are trained on family dynamics.

Re: RELATIONSHIP

Zhills — Tue, 08 Sep 2020 21:09:00 GMT

I understand your hurt but I also understand a "boys night out" for just the guys. Maybe they knew the conversations might upset you.

Seems you need "the wisdom to know the difference."

If you can, accept it and enjoy your life with him.

Re: RELATIONSHIP

Calcgirl — Tue, 08 Sep 2020 21:16:47 GMT

@Foxxee wrote:

@Calcgirl

Are you the one who previously posted your partner visits his family members without you during Christmas?

"Marriage is out of the picture mainly I believe because of his three grown children."

There are other widows and widowers who get married despite some of the kids don't approve. If he loved you he would marry you.

You said, "We get along." Is he thinking this relationship is one of convenience rather than love?

"I am hesitant to do so because he will get defensive for his sons and say it was a night out with his sons."

Did he move in with you or you move in with him? If he moved in with you, he has a place to live, a caretaker, cook, and housekeeper. If that's the case, I'd kick him out.

If you moved in with him...well I'd never do that. Either we'd get married and find another place to live, or he'd never see me again.

I wouldn't put up with this.

I

Yes, I am the one. He moved in with me, but definately helps me financially and does his part. He also shares in cooking, etc, so I don't feel taken advantage of. We actually get along quite well, so I have pretty much excepted that his adult children are jerks. LOL. As some one said the two who dismiss me live out of state. The one who lives here is fine. I think it helped me write this all down here to get it off my chest( I guess I could have written it on a paper and then threw it away LOL.. I won't lose sleep over the them. By the way, I should add they are always polite and friendly when I do see them.

My sisters husband and her son both said it was just a guy thing wanting a boys night out. Men can be weird LOL.

Re: RELATIONSHIP

RetRN — Tue, 08 Sep 2020 21:49:05 GMT

Overall, are you happy in this relationship? Does he respect you and show you love? If the answers are no, I would bail. If the answers are yes, I would enjoy the time you share together.

Re: RELATIONSHIP

suzyQ3 — Tue, 08 Sep 2020 21:21:42 GMT

@Foxxee wrote:

@Calcgirl

Are you the one who previously posted your partner visits his family members without you during Christmas?

"Marriage is out of the picture mainly I believe because of his three grown children."

There are other widows and widowers who get married despite some of the kids don't approve. If he loved you he would marry you.

You said, "We get along." Is he thinking this relationship is one of convenience rather than love?

"I am hesitant to do so because he will get defensive for his sons and say it was a night out with his sons."

Did he move in with you or you move in with him? If he moved in with you, he has a place to live, a caretaker, cook, and housekeeper. If that's the case, I'd kick him out.

If you moved in with him...well I'd never do that. Either we'd get married and find another place to live, or he'd never see me again.

I wouldn't put up with this.

I

@Foxxee, there are myriad reasons that couples who love each other decide not to marry.

Re: RELATIONSHIP

tarsmom — Tue, 08 Sep 2020 21:23:08 GMT

@Calcgirl wrote:
@Foxxee wrote:

@Calcgirl

Are you the one who previously posted your partner visits his family members without you during Christmas?

"Marriage is out of the picture mainly I believe because of his three grown children."

There are other widows and widowers who get married despite some of the kids don't approve. If he loved you he would marry you.

You said, "We get along." Is he thinking this relationship is one of convenience rather than love?

"I am hesitant to do so because he will get defensive for his sons and say it was a night out with his sons."

Did he move in with you or you move in with him? If he moved in with you, he has a place to live, a caretaker, cook, and housekeeper. If that's the case, I'd kick him out.

If you moved in with him...well I'd never do that. Either we'd get married and find another place to live, or he'd never see me again.

I wouldn't put up with this.

I
Yes, I am the one. He moved in with me, but definately helps me financially and does his part. He also shares in cooking, etc, so I don't feel taken advantage of. We actually get along quite well, so I have pretty much excepted that his adult children are jerks. LOL. As some one said the two who dismiss me live out of state. The one who lives here is fine. I think it helped me write this all down here to get it off my chest( I guess I could have written it on a paper and then threw it away LOL.. I won't lose sleep over the them. By the way, I should add they are always polite and friendly when I do see them.
My sisters husband and her son both said it was just a guy thing wanting a boys night out. Men can be weird LOL.

My 2 cents here (I have some experience as my BFF remarried and her sons don't like her new spouse)...

I think your last comment about your sister's husband/son saying it was a guy thing is a big excuse. The reason why I say this is because they NEVER ask about you. That is just rude, especially after YOU have been caring for THEIR sick father. They should be THRILLED that their dad found a nice woman to love - otherwise, THEY would have to. That just ticks me off about adult kids. No, you are not replacing their mother, but guess what? She died and she's not coming back. Do you think they're worried that you are benefiting financially from their dad? I am happy the one son who lives in town is decent.

I hope you feel better and I hope you get some peace from this. Sending a hug!

Re: RELATIONSHIP

Mom2Dogs — Tue, 08 Sep 2020 21:24:11 GMT

@Calcgirl While I think his out of town sons are very rude...my DH has two girls from a previous marriage. There have been times when it was just him and the girls, and it was OK with me. They needed time with their dad but we all had a good relationship so I didn't feel left out.

I'd have to say something about the sons behavior, or I would explode. You don't have to have a long drawnout talk about it, but my head would explode if his kids would treat me the way you are being treated.

I know sometimes I have to really point something out to my DH, so maybe your partner is not seeing what you see...

Re: RELATIONSHIP

ThinkingOutLoud — Tue, 08 Sep 2020 21:27:43 GMT

I'm sorry you've been hurt and not feeling well.

If it were me (just speaking of the kids):

~ I would figure out what their love language/s are and act accordingly

~ I would 'kill em with kindness' and always let them know you'd like to see them, etc

~ I would also figure out their types (google 'it's Just My Nature' by Carol Tuttle) and work that angle as well

No reason the situation needs to continue this way but I wouldn't rely on others to change it. For all you know, they might come to a place of appreciating that you're in their dad's life.

Re: RELATIONSHIP

Zhills — Tue, 08 Sep 2020 21:30:10 GMT

Sometimes, waiting, because "you deserve better" can be a long one way, dead end journey!

If you love him, stay!

Re: RELATIONSHIP

manny2 — Tue, 08 Sep 2020 21:30:28 GMT

You should share your feelings with your partner. A relationship is about honesty too bad if it upsets him. Tell him what you said here, you wont lose sleep over it, but its rude and hurtful.

I think there are a few things going on here with his family, and the main one with adult children is finance. Adult children do not want to share any potential inheritance with another partner.

I had a very good friend many years older then me. When she rekindled with an old flame before she died, her two sons made it clear to her, and him that they were very happy for them as long as she didn't change the will.

Re: RELATIONSHIP

NEvans2 — Tue, 08 Sep 2020 21:38:15 GMT

@Calcgirl I, personally, would never put up with being treated like that. Were his full grown sons raised by wolves? You have been by your partners side through some pretty rough stuff. Where were his kids at? I would definitely tell your partner how you feel about the treatment you are getting from his sons. You don't have to be confrontational, just matter of fact. My father remarried about 18 months after my mother died. None of the four of us really liked the new wife. There was something about her that I didn't really trust. That proved to be true around eight years later when my Dad was diagnosed with Parkinson's dementia. She couldn't get out fast enough and divorced him. However, I always treated her with the respect due her as my father's wife. She was always included in all family functions and holidays. I as always cordial and tried for years to warm up to her, but I just couldn't. But I think I hid it well. Not in a hypocritical way, but , once again, she was my father's wife. So maybe it's time for the sons to put on their big boy pants and grow up!