topic Re: We All Have Silly Habits ... in Among Friends

We All Have Silly Habits ...

rms1954 — Mon, 03 Aug 2020 17:31:13 GMT

Right? Little idiosyncrasies that make us different, unique, just who we are. I get that some things bother us about our partners more than others. But since my husband has been working from home it's unbearable. I can't go throughout my day without him getting on my back over every single little thing I do. If I'm working on something tedious, he's there watching over my shoulder (and I mean right over my shoulder -- I can feel him breathing on my neck) trying to put his hands into what I'm trying to do so he can take over. I can't take it anymore. I can't even tell you how I feel when he upsets me because I would sound like a horrible person.

Here's one example of things I have to deal with several times a day. I bought a new set of towels and I don't like leaving the tags on. So I was trying to cut them off and my scissors were not working well. I asked him if I could use a pair of a set of precision scissors he has. Here's how it goes:

Him: "Why, what do you have to cut."

Me: A tag.

Him: A tag where?

Me: New towels.

Him: Why do you have to cut tags off towels?

Me: Because I do.

Him: That's stupid, who does that. You're weird ... makes no sense.

Me: Never mind.

Him: I don't know where they are.

Me: That's OK. No worries.

Him: No, wait. I'll go look.

Me: No, no. I thought you would know where they were.

Him: Well everything got moved around when we were taking stuff from the kitchen.

(We just renovated and had to move everything out of the kitchen; however, his tools are not kept in the kitchen. This is where he blames me for not being able to find his things.)

Me: They never were in the kitchen so .....

Him: (YELLING) I didn't say there were in the kitchen. Don't put words in my mouth.

And it just went downhill from there. Way downhill. Calling me idiotic because he knows of no one that takes tags off. For 20 minutes he belittled me.

I just had to let it out. I'm trying to calm down because my stress level went sky high. Heart pounding, sweating, hyperventilating. I may end up homeless and on the street if I have to.

Re: We All Have Silly Habits ...

qualitygal — Mon, 03 Aug 2020 17:38:24 GMT

I know what you mean, they are just going stir crazy.

Will he do a "to do" list if you give him one?

Try to talk to him and tell him what you're feeling.....they have no clue.

That's just my 2 cents. Till this Stay at home isn't going on, it's going to be trying on many levels for many of us.

Re: We All Have Silly Habits ...

Travone — Mon, 03 Aug 2020 17:45:15 GMT

How does he have time to follow you around if he is SUPPOSED to be working from home?

Re: We All Have Silly Habits ...

kittyloo — Mon, 03 Aug 2020 17:45:47 GMT

@rms1954 i feel for you. i have my own "issues" with my husband as well. in his mind he is NEVER wrong. won't listen to my opinion, and loves to argue. not debate, because that would involve listening to the other side, and he wont do that unless forced. me on the other hand, hates to argue, (although i'm learning). he is also a very loud person. just the tip of the iceburg.

Re: We All Have Silly Habits ...

FlowerBear — Mon, 03 Aug 2020 17:49:49 GMT

I am sorry you have to deal with this! I am one that cuts the tags off of new towels, wash cloths, dish towels and dish cloths.

Re: We All Have Silly Habits ...

alicedee — Mon, 03 Aug 2020 17:58:46 GMT

@rms1954 I'm sorry you have to live in a situation where you are put down like that. You don't deserve it.

Re: We All Have Silly Habits ...

Janey2 — Mon, 03 Aug 2020 18:22:41 GMT

This might not be a popular response, but there is no way he would be allowed to talk to me like that. I would come back at him, and let him have it. What makes him so almighty? My answer probably won't solve your problem. I know shouting never does, but you might feel better.

Re: We All Have Silly Habits ...

rms1954 — Mon, 03 Aug 2020 18:26:57 GMT

@kittyloo wrote:
@rms1954 i feel for you. i have my own "issues" with my husband as well. in his mind he is NEVER wrong. won't listen to my opinion, and loves to argue. not debate, because that would involve listening to the other side, and he wont do that unless forced. me on the other hand, hates to argue, (although i'm learning). he is also a very loud person. just the tip of the iceburg.

Sounds very, very familiar. We need to stick together. Supporting each other helps. We get each other.

Re: We All Have Silly Habits ...

Tessa Mendoza — Mon, 03 Aug 2020 18:34:12 GMT

I don't think cutting tags off new towels is a silly habit. I do it all the time.

I think all this togetherness is not helping too many relationships. Your husband is probably feeling stressed out and bored. Not an excuse to treat your harshly, but could be part of the reason.

I'm sorry you are living in such a volatile situation. I would be jumping out of my skin, too.

Hopefully, we will all be "set free" and be able to resume somewhat normal lives sooner than later. Try holding onto the thought that living this way will not be forever.

Re: We All Have Silly Habits ...

mspatmac — Mon, 03 Aug 2020 18:47:49 GMT

So many are struggling during this time with relationships. I am so sorry for what you are going through. May I suggest you remove yourself when he starts, to another room, outside, even to the bathroom. A bully needs a reaction so distance yourself without comment. Find something to do in another room. Maybe he'll tire of talking to himself. You're not being weak but smart. A screaming match causes more problems then it solves. Write you're feelings down to vent or continue to get support here. You are not alone in you're feelings @rms1954

Re: We All Have Silly Habits ...

Still Raining — Mon, 03 Aug 2020 18:51:38 GMT

We teach everyone how we will be treated and what we do not allow. Works for husbands, siblings, kids and grandkids. And also to respect others' foibles.

It might be best to ponder how to break old habits. Politely and firmly.

As a tag cutter myself, both my good fabric scissors are MINE. Hands off.

Re: We All Have Silly Habits ...

CelticCrafter — Mon, 03 Aug 2020 18:53:03 GMT

I cut the tags off everything unless it's a tag on a dish towel that forms a loop that enables me to hang it on a command hook I have next to the kitchen sink.

Re: We All Have Silly Habits ...

Imaoldhippie — Mon, 03 Aug 2020 19:02:16 GMT

I cut tags off of everything that as them. Pillow's. sheets, towels, clothes, mattresses. I have a "thing" about tags, cant stand them.

Re: We All Have Silly Habits ...

Sooner — Mon, 03 Aug 2020 19:07:45 GMT

@rms1954 I am so sorry. Maybe he is frustrated from having to work at home, maybe he is afraid he won't have a job as this shakes out, maybe it is getting to him in a big way and he's trying not to show it.

Maybe for awhile you can find ways to not do things he's likely to engage in, or help him relax or find ways for him to destress. I would guess something is eating at him you don't know about, so maybe take a time out for yourself too and spend more time reading, watching tv, etc. to reduce the targets for him to rant about.

I am not belitting you or saying you don't have frustrations and rights and the right to be angry, but just saying if there are things YOU can do to reduce your and his stress levels maybe that would be helpful.

Maybe take some drives, have a treat during the day, eat more meals that involve less work, etc. Maybe just take some time and sort of let it go for a little bit?

And not every husband can be put in to the category of "they." Every one of us folk on the planet is unique and have our own stressors and triggers and differing ability to cope.

So my good wishes to you and we all have been there when we are ready to explode. I exploded in a screaming fit last Friday, but this week is better. I have some family issues I can't resolve and sometimes can't cope with that just got worse today. Not sure why this week is better, but it is!

Re: We All Have Silly Habits ...

CrazyKittyLvr2 — Mon, 03 Aug 2020 19:42:06 GMT

Along with everyone else, I am sorry to hear you are treated that way.

My question is, was he like this prior to working from home and dealing with the stress of the virus?

Yes, DH and I were married for 50 yrs. and we sometimes irked the other but nothing horrible. My DH was not a screamer. The best way to pi** me of is to scream at me. He never would call me dumb, stupid etc.

You ladies are much nicer than I am.

Had DH called me idiotic because I cut tags off 1 of 2 things would have come out of my mouth:

"well, I'm not idiotic enough to stand here and be screamed at and berated by you" and I would have left the house;

or, I really would have taken the gloves off

"I'm must be idiotic, I married you"

Re: We All Have Silly Habits ...

proudlyfromNJ — Mon, 03 Aug 2020 19:49:02 GMT

@rms1954 Has your husband always been like this or is it something new?

Re: We All Have Silly Habits ...

eddyandme — Mon, 03 Aug 2020 19:49:08 GMT

@Still Raining wrote:
We teach everyone how we will be treated and what we do not allow. Works for husbands, siblings, kids and grandkids. And also to respect others' foibles.

It might be best to ponder how to break old habits. Politely and firmly.

As a tag cutter myself, both my good fabric scissors are MINE. Hands off.

NO! Your are wrong, @Still Raining . An abuser is an abuser and will not change, just like a leopard doesn't change spots! The only way to change the behavior is to leave - permanently!

Re: We All Have Silly Habits ...

Travone — Mon, 03 Aug 2020 19:50:46 GMT

@rms1954If possible, when he is not working and is calm you need to discuss this with him. Perhaps he doesn't realize how terrible his treatement of you is. You need to end this treatment now, otherwise this may be your life full time when it comes time for him to retire.

Re: We All Have Silly Habits ...

rms1954 — Mon, 03 Aug 2020 20:28:08 GMT

@Travone wrote:
@rms1954If possible, when he is not working and is calm you need to discuss this with him. Perhaps he doesn't realize how terrible his treatement of you is. You need to end this treatment now, otherwise this may be your life full time when it comes time for him to retire.

I have tried endless times over the 30 years we've been married. He is getting ready to retire by end of August and didn't tell me. I overheard him talking to his father. This is what I have to look forward to. At least through the years I didn't have to deal with him all day because I worked full time also. He will never change. He knows how horrible he is. It does not matter to him. He's a very selfish person.

Re: We All Have Silly Habits ...

rms1954 — Mon, 03 Aug 2020 20:29:30 GMT

@proudlyfromNJ wrote:
@rms1954 Has your husband always been like this or is it something new?

Always.