topic Re: When to intervention? in Among Friends

When to intervention?

birdQ13 — Sat, 20 Jun 2020 19:05:08 GMT

It’s an old question with no easy answer. I worry about dear sister and she will not pursue mild, caring entreaties to talk to counselor. My imagination about her troubles spirals into fear then anger about her immediate family. In our late 50’s- it is her life. But so hard to see people suffer when they need professional help.

Re: When to intervention?

birdQ13 — Sat, 20 Jun 2020 19:05:29 GMT

Re: When to intervention?

Love my grandkids — Sat, 20 Jun 2020 19:11:36 GMT

@birdQ13 You can't force an intervention, no matter how worried you are.

It's her life, if she chooses to get help or not, no amount of your fussing at her or reminding her is going to help.

Maybe you should take a break for awhile since you seem so upset that she isn't "listening" to you.

Re: When to intervention?

ECBG — Sat, 20 Jun 2020 19:14:35 GMT

Although, we love someone, we can't "make" them do anything, and although, it hurts us, we don't have the "right" to demand anyone do anything. We all have freedom of choice, and she may not want to start waves with change.

Some people want to repeat the same story over and over, but want a magic potion that doesn't exist which is sad. We have to accept, even though it is a shame.

You might visit a counselor to free yourself a little so you can accept her choices.

So sorry.

Re: When to intervention?

birdQ13 — Sat, 20 Jun 2020 19:21:37 GMT

Yes I might benefit from a dose of my own medicine. Short of someone verbally threatening suicide my fear that they might be capable is hard to measure or prove.

Re: When to intervention?

Lucky Charm — Sat, 20 Jun 2020 19:45:14 GMT

@birdQ13 I feel your worries are valid. And in the event of something as catastrophic as suicide, it would be a shame to not seek some sort of help for her. Or at the very least to suggest your fears to her.

I could not *butt out* of something like that as hard as it seems to otherwise --avoid the confrontation.

Your heart is in the right place.

Re: When to intervention?

DottieBlue — Sat, 20 Jun 2020 19:55:34 GMT

@birdQ13

Perhaps you could go see a counselor about the situation with you and your sister. She may be able to guide you on how to approach your sister and ways to help her.

Perhaps if your sister even knew that you are so worried about her that YOU sought help by talking with a professional, it might affect her to the point where she will talk with a professional also.

Good luck and take care.

Re: When to intervention?

cbrite — Sat, 20 Jun 2020 20:02:31 GMT

Can you do a Welfare Check on her?

Re: When to intervention?

GCR18 — Sat, 20 Jun 2020 20:12:50 GMT

Intervene. If you don't and something bad happens, could you live with yourself? My sister needed intervention. I treaded lightly. Long story short, she finally agreed to get help. We lost valuable time. The situation was way worse than we could have ever imagined. If I knew then what I know now, the story would have had a happy ending.

Re: When to intervention?

Foxxee — Sat, 20 Jun 2020 20:42:26 GMT

Have no idea what her problem is, but if it's life threatening and no one else cares to help, as a sister, then I think you can give yourself permission to intervene.

I know some people who were sorry later after a loved one died because they didn't think it was their business to get involved.

If it doesn't work, at least you won't live with the guilt knowing you tried.

Re: When to intervention?

chiclets — Sat, 20 Jun 2020 21:21:32 GMT

You might consider contacting a mental health group. You can discuss your own concerns concerning your sister, and what she is actually saying to you.

If she is telling you she will harm herself, that is serious and needs to be addressed. The thing is you must dissect her frame of mind when she is telling you this. That is why mental health person is needed.

If the time actually comes when she calls you and you become really afraid what her actions may be, you can call the local police and tell them she is threatening to harm herself.

You can also call a local suicide line to find out what you can do concerning your sister's mental health considering if she has mentioned harming herself or suicide.

You can only do certain things.

Her immediate family, if they feel she is going to be harmful to herself can call the police and ask that she be committed for 3 or 30 days depending on what state she lives in. Know your rights.

No you can not make someone go to a counselor but there are circumstances when the issue can be forced.

You said your imagination spirals into anger and fear concerning her immediate family. Are her problems due to her immediate family situation or are they due to her own mental issues. Are you afraid for them and her and what type of fear and anger is it. If is a family problem then the family all should seek help.

It is clear you are emotional involved and sometimes that shadows our thinking.

You do need to speak to someone for yourself.

Re: When to intervention?

Anonymous032819 — Sun, 21 Jun 2020 02:20:22 GMT

@birdQ13

NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) is an excellent resource for information.

Here they explain how to talk to someone that you feel is suicidal.

https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/September-2019/How-to-Ask-Someone-About-Suicide

The important thing to do is create a place where she feels safe and for you to listen without judgement.

Don't try to "fix" her problems or give advice, because that comes across as judgement.

Don't be afraid to ask her directly if she had thought about suicide.

You cannot "plant" the idea.

Watch how she answers.

Is she able to look you in the eye?

Does she say, "No, not really" ?

Ask her if she ever wishes that she could go to sleep and never wake up.

Ask her if she has planned how she would kill herself.

Pills?

Hanging?

Gun?

Ask her if she has made attempts in the past.

She feels hopeless.

Her problems seem insurmountable.

She needs to feel that you care, that you are on her side.

You can extract a promise from her that she won't commit suicide until you can get her help, and offer to take her to the help yourself.

At work, I recently took a course on what to do if we suspect that someone is suicidal, and these were the key points that were brought up.

Re: When to intervention?

hckynut — Sat, 20 Jun 2020 23:26:27 GMT

@birdQ13

Sorry to read about this problem with your sister. When we are dealing with an adult that we perceive has a problem? Until that person believes they have a problem, you are spending time and worry that might be best used somewhere else.

Many know they have a problem, but for whatever their reason, they prefer to doing something about it on their own time. That unfortunately can result in serious problems where time can possibly make things worse.

I know many the knew about their problems, but didn't get the help they needed until that condition hit rock bottom. Sometimes that meant fighting to stay alive.

hckynut(john)

Re: When to intervention?

KarenQVC — Sun, 21 Jun 2020 01:33:45 GMT

I would intervene. I would find a good psychiatrist and make an appt for her. Then I would tell her you see signs of mental illness and can't stand by.

I would then go with her to the appt. If she refuses, I would go to the appt. myself and sort things out with the psychiatrist.

Just my approach.

Re: When to intervention?

dooBdoo — Sun, 21 Jun 2020 16:58:07 GMT

I have the perspective of having been on the dangerous brink and my life saved by an intervention. I've had several inpatient psychiatric hospital stays, but one of them was not my choice. I was at first angry at losing my "power"-- ragingly angry, lashing out at everyone in sight -- but as the days moved forward in the hospital I regained my awareness, started to climb my way back, and I realized how lucky I was that someone had the love and the courage to call the authorities and literally save my life. It was an intensely, unforgettably humbling experience. But there was the potential that I might have continued to be angry with my friend who intervened and it might even have ended our long friendship. There are risks involved when we care deeply.

Even so, not every case is the same... we wrestle with this because we are human, we have a heart and a soul and a conscience, and we love other humans. There's some good advice on this thread, some I agree with, some not as much, but that's just me. As you notice, some of it is conflicting. That's because there isn't one "right answer" and even if you do what you decide is best it might not turn out the way you had hoped.

Just from my perspective, to focus and gain more clarity I would write down (for my eyes only) as clearly and objectively as possible what I'd observed about my sister and also write down my insight into my own reactions, then talk with a trusted professional, then make a decision and move forward with as much love and compassion as possible.

Good people, these posters, very good people who care❤️ -- and that includes you, @birdQ13. My prayers for you and your family, and for any professionals you seek out for counsel.❤️

Re: When to intervention?

birdQ13 — Sun, 21 Jun 2020 06:37:34 GMT

Thanks to each of you for your reply. Very helpful all. I feel like I can take some actions. I deliberately left out certain details about the situation and I sincerely appreciate your thoughtful replies. Love is the greatest...

Re: When to intervention?

riley1 — Sun, 21 Jun 2020 12:12:14 GMT

@dooBdoo - Thank you for your post. I hope others also get the help they need - whether wanted or not.

Had I known my sister was so tormented inside, I hope I would have stepped in to help. I was young and maybe didn't catch all the signs. She was only 34. If I knew, maybe she would still be here and met my children.

Re: When to intervention?

Lilysmom — Sun, 21 Jun 2020 21:25:23 GMT

@dooBdoo , from pain comes compassion and insight. You are always so kind to reach out with well considered advice. I appreciate your words always.

@birdQ13 , sending you prayers for strength to deal with what is ahead. I hope your loved one gets the help they need. LM

Re: When to intervention?

RedTop — Sun, 21 Jun 2020 21:44:11 GMT

@birdQ13,

Anyone who verbalizes suicidal intention, needs help. Family and friends need to be listening and trying to help.

35 years ago, my mother’s sister verbalized her suicidal thoughts. Mom talked with her at length, and did not feel she was getting anywhere, but my aunt did agree to talk to her family doctor.

My aunt looked the doctor in the eye and stated her intentions, which got her an emergency visit with a psychiatrist. Again, my aunt minced no words. The psychiatrist was successful in convincing my aunt to agree to an inpatient stay at a psychiatric facility.

My aunt stayed 30 days; model patient, cooperated fully, came home, shot herself! All guns and shells had been removed from the house, except for a shotgun they never had shells for; obviously my aunt had hidden one shell.

Her death hit our small family hard, but there were no “I should’ve” after thoughts. We tried; she just didn’t try hard enough, and gave up on living at 62.

Re: When to intervention?

Tinkrbl44 — Mon, 22 Jun 2020 01:10:18 GMT

@birdQ13 wrote:
It’s an old question with no easy answer. I worry about dear sister and she will not pursue mild, caring entreaties to talk to counselor. My imagination about her troubles spirals into fear then anger about her immediate family. In our late 50’s- it is her life. But so hard to see people suffer when they need professional help.

@birdQ13

I feel like everyone here knows what you're referring to, except me. Is she drinking too much? Shopping too much? She's promiscuous? I'm not sure if what you consider serious really is ..... obviously, just speculating here. Maybe family members are being overly judgemental?

Over the years, two people I knew well committed suicide, so I know the worst case scenario.

If you are inclined to intervene, why not have a chat with YOUR PCP and get a second opinion? Perhaps intervening is a good idea .... or maybe everyone should MYOB. Get the opinion of some sort of expert. JMO