topic Re: How can I handle this? in Among Friends

How can I handle this?

TX-starlight — Sun, 01 Mar 2020 19:24:32 GMT

I know this post will sound selfish, & I'm sure I'll get some tacky comments, but here goes.......

I have a dear friend who recently moved a little ways off. She still comes to town to do her major grocery shopping (about 1x monthly). When she comes, we usually meet up for lunch. She has started inviting a couple of people from her former church. I realize she wants to visit with old friends, but I don't enjoy sharing my time with others. This week, she invited a family member.

I know I should be open to meeting new people, but I'm just not interested, lol. I value her friendship very much & would never hurt her feelings. How can I let her know I don't enjoy these others joining us?

Re: How can I handle this?

Mz iMac — Sun, 01 Mar 2020 19:28:27 GMT

You do the inviting.

Re: How can I handle this?

January121 — Sun, 01 Mar 2020 19:30:13 GMT

I would just be honest & explain to her how you feel .... don’t skirt around the issue just be right on point .... if she understands that’s good ... if not say goodbye 🙃

Re: How can I handle this?

kaydee50 — Sun, 01 Mar 2020 19:31:42 GMT

I would probably mention to her that I miss the one on one lunches that you used to have. IMO, she is rude inviting people to join the lunch without notifying you ahead. "Hey, I've invited so and so to join us. Is that OK with you?"

Re: How can I handle this?

Abrowneyegirl — Sun, 01 Mar 2020 19:38:00 GMT

If you want one on one time with your friend you can travel to see her. That way you can schedule the visit and plan the afternoon. If she is a valued friend than the trip is worth it.

offer to host the lunch at your house.

Re: How can I handle this?

claros — Sun, 01 Mar 2020 19:37:17 GMT

I totally get it. I generally enjoy one to one get togethers more than larger groups. That being said, unless there is someone invited that I really had a problem with (and that has happened more than once) I will go ahead with the plan, and usually find that it turned out to be an enjoyable time.

Re: How can I handle this?

GenXmuse — Sun, 01 Mar 2020 19:37:48 GMT

I wouldn't like it either like she's trying to consolidate visits. Maybe give her a heads up for next time and say let's you and I catch up just the two of us.

Re: How can I handle this?

ahoymate — Sun, 01 Mar 2020 19:40:55 GMT

As others have said have an honest & tactful explaination of your feelings. But be prepared for her to not like it. As you know from these forums, some don't like the truth.

Re: How can I handle this?

itsmagic — Sun, 01 Mar 2020 19:40:58 GMT

I understand how you feel. I’ve had this happen several times and I’m open to meeting new friends too but it totally changes the conversations you can have when it is just you and your friend versus you, your friend and her friends and/or family. Maybe if you talk to her about it, you both could come up with a compromise.

Re: How can I handle this?

haddon9 — Sun, 01 Mar 2020 19:42:16 GMT

I don't think you're being selfish at all. You value your friendship with her and want one on one time together. I understand. However it's not easy but maybe you could mention that you hope when the two of you get together next time it's one on one?

I had something similar happen to me...but still a bit different. Someone that I'm friendly with but not close friends changed plans to include others when I thought it was just going to be the two of us taking a one time cooking class. All of a sudden she invited six additional women...none who I knew to come along ...and what fun we would have!

While I don't mind meeting new people, I should have known upfront that was her plan. It annoyed me that she did this and I felt it was rude.

Re: How can I handle this?

Lucky Charm — Sun, 01 Mar 2020 19:47:08 GMT

Why don't you plan on once a month driving to her and having your one on one?

It's too much for her to see everyone she wants to and do a major shopping trip. Maybe you can pick up some items for her on the way, things she specifically shops for when she comes to town.

I'd drive the miles to see a good friend.

Re: How can I handle this?

ItsME — Sun, 01 Mar 2020 19:48:04 GMT

I'm with @Abrowneyegirl @on this. Your friend gets to town once a month. She has multiple friends she wants to see. You are one of them. Be grateful! If you want one on one time, travel to see her.

Re: How can I handle this?

KingstonsMom — Sun, 01 Mar 2020 19:48:39 GMT

@TX-starlight

I would just kindly express to her how much you look forward to your lunches with her for the one-on-one time it affords, when it's just you two.

I think she would understand and appreciate that you miss the intimacy of the friendship between just you two.

I know I would!

Re: How can I handle this?

Sooner — Sun, 01 Mar 2020 19:53:13 GMT

My take is life changes. Friends come and go and have different roles in our lives.

Like others said, if you can't go to her for one on one visits, then I think it is just a point where life changes, you two don't see one another often, and as time goes on you share fewer experiences and have less to talk about.

Maybe the real key is thinking about who lives close that you might have lunch with, invite to your house, and grow to share more with.

Change is most often difficult isn't it? But change is really the only constant in our lives I think.

Re: How can I handle this?

Imaoldhippie — Sun, 01 Mar 2020 20:10:04 GMT

Just say no. When she calls with the time and date tell her no thank you I will wait until for a time when it is just the 2 of us.

Re: How can I handle this?

qbetzforreal — Sun, 01 Mar 2020 20:14:36 GMT

I would make an effort to visit my friend for one-on-one time. I wouldn't mind sharing time if she only comes in town once a month.

Re: How can I handle this?

ahoymate — Sun, 01 Mar 2020 20:16:15 GMT

Imaoldhippie:

"Just say no. When she calls with the time and date tell her no thank you I will wait until for a time when it is just the 2 of us."

Oh, that will go over well. My way or the highway is not going to go over in a positive way. Surely, you don't do this to your friends?

Re: How can I handle this?

chrystaltree — Sun, 01 Mar 2020 21:14:01 GMT

She's trying to get all of her visiting in at one time but that's selfish of her since you don't know the other people. I'm a big one for honesty when it comes to close family and friends. She must know you well enough to know that you are not a big time socializer who enjoys chatting with strangers. I'd just tell the truth. That you love seeing her when she's in town but you feel a little out of place when she invites people you don't know. Ask if it can be just the two of you, perhaps every other month.

Re: How can I handle this?

AuntG — Sun, 01 Mar 2020 21:01:35 GMT

I'm guessing she has limited time and wants to catch up with friends and family. If it needs to be just the two of you to make it important enough for you, just decline her invitation.

Re: How can I handle this?

BunSnoop — Sun, 01 Mar 2020 21:15:48 GMT

That's a hard one, but I understand.

I always meet with a friend that I had worked with many years ago once a year for lunch. One year my husband had a bad year with his health (13 hospital admissions in 1 year) and when he found out that I was meeting my friend at one his favorite restaurants, he asked if he could join us. I felt bad for him - he needed to get out and do things rather than just being at a hospital and/or doctors office so I brought him along.

My friend was very nice to him, but I think she was a little uncomfortable in my changing the routine and I think I was wrong in not telling her ahead of time that he'd be joining us too. She's a widow.

I still meet with her, we still meet at the same restaurant, and my husband still asks if he can join. His health is better now, he gets out and see's friends, etc. I have not had him join us anymore as I think my friend just wanted to have "girl talk" with me. As I said she was nice to him, but I think she probably prefers just my coming.