topic Re: What would you do? in Among Friends

What would you do?

hyacinth003 — Sun, 20 Oct 2019 06:21:43 GMT

Wasn't sure how to tille this! It is another chapter in the saga of my Dad's Estate.

Earlier this week, I sent my brother an email requesting any mail that comes to his house regarding our Father be sent to me UNOPENED. I offered reimbursement for any mailing costs. So far, his wife has been opening all the mail and then sending it to me. As I have been taught to be POLITE, I let it go for awhile. But I told him since the date of my Dad's passing, it belongs to his Estate, regardless of address. If I am responsible, I want it untouched.

Today, I get mail addressed to "Estate of George Smith" with the address of the assisted living center on it. It was a check from Blue Cross/Blue shield refunding his premium. The assisted living center is supposed to forward any mail they get TO ME as Executor. It came opened, from my sister-in-law. I don't know if they are sending mail to her or she went there and picked it up. She wrote notes on the envelope.

Whether I should be or not, I am FURIOUS. I will deal with the assisted living center on Monday. I have already told my sister-in-law to STAY OUT of any and all Estate business. She has NO RIGHT to his mail. It didn't even have her address on it.

What would you do? I am not going to keep being harrassed like this.

Hyacinth

Re: What would you do?

RoughDraft — Sun, 20 Oct 2019 06:29:16 GMT

First, I think your argument should be with the assisted living center for having sent the materials to your SIL, then with her for having opened it. The first was a technical error, the second FACT, is you'll never change her and ruin your health letting her get to you.

Re: What would you do?

hyacinth003 — Sun, 20 Oct 2019 06:41:19 GMT

@RoughDraft wrote:
First, I think your argument should be with the assisted living center for having sent the materials to your SIL, then with her for having opened it. The first was a technical error, the second FACT, is you'll never change her and ruin your health letting her get to you.
@RoughDraft

She has opened ALL mail, not just this particular one. I will take this one up with the assisted living center, but it is ALL mail.

Hyacinth

Re: What would you do?

Nuttmeg — Sun, 20 Oct 2019 07:01:16 GMT

I would take your official paperwork and go to your local post office. I am sure someone can help you with mail forwarding.

Re: What would you do?

Foxxee — Sun, 20 Oct 2019 07:07:12 GMT

How did assisted living get her address? Have you told AL, you are the executor and not to send anything to any other address?

You could go to the Post Office and ask that any of your father's mail going to your brother's address to be forwarded to you. You may need proof you are the Executor.

Re: What would you do?

Montana — Sun, 20 Oct 2019 07:32:58 GMT

I think you need bigger guns for dealing with your sister-in-law and, by extension, your brother. Obviously, they are not going to abide by your requests.

I feel, an official letter from a lawyer's office is the next step.

Re: What would you do?

hyacinth003 — Sun, 20 Oct 2019 07:52:23 GMT

@Nuttmeg wrote:
I would take your official paperwork and go to your local post office. I am sure someone can help you with mail forwarding.

@Nuttmeg

I made the mistake of thinking we were all honest big boys and girls and would do the right thing.

It is now clear that is not the case.

Hyacinth

Re: What would you do?

hyacinth003 — Sun, 20 Oct 2019 07:57:24 GMT

@Foxxee wrote:
How did assisted living get her address? Have you told AL, you are the executor and not to send anything to any other address?

You could go to the Post Office and ask that any of your father's mail going to your brother's address to be forwarded to you. You may need proof you are the Executor.

@Foxxee

Assisted living has both our contact info. I don't know if she went there and picked it up or they are mistakenly sending it to her. How would I know? I know now she lies.

I thought it was clear with them that I am the Executor and any mail be sent to me. I will deal with them Monday.

I thought it would be no big deal for them to just send me (or ask me to pick it up) any correspondence for my Dad. So I guess I need to take the formal step with the post office. I will tell them I will charge the Estate for expenses and time to have to go through this. My intention was never to charge anything for what I am doing to honor my Dad. But when others don't feel and act the same, my feelings may change.

Hyacinth

Re: What would you do?

NYC Susan — Sun, 20 Oct 2019 08:03:06 GMT

@ Montana wrote:
I think you need bigger guns for dealing with your sister-in-law and, by extension, your brother. Obviously, they are not going to abide by your requests.

I feel, an official letter from a lawyer's office is the next step.

I was thinking the same thing.

This will just continue in the same way otherwise. @hyacinth003, you are probably already emotionally exhausted, and that's not right. Enough is enough.

Re: What would you do?

hyacinth003 — Sun, 20 Oct 2019 08:04:23 GMT

@ Montana wrote:
I think you need bigger guns for dealing with your sister-in-law and, by extension, your brother. Obviously, they are not going to abide by your requests.

I feel, an official letter from a lawyer's office is the next step.

@ Montana

If I have to, I will tell them ALL contact will be via the lawyer at the expense of the Estate. I have told my brother everything (other than mind numbing paperwork) I have in the works. That will stop also. If it were only myself, I wouldn't have put everything (for him to get his inheritance) in motion yet. It feels awful to me to have to be dealing with his death over and over. It hurts like he**. I would have waited. But because I am Executor, I have felt the duty to deal with it. I work on it in some way every single day, and haven't even grieved yet. And she keeps poking at me to where I am feeling harrassed now.

So now I may have to cut them off from everything except what are my legal requirements.

Hyacinth

Re: What would you do?

Anonymous032819 — Sun, 20 Oct 2019 08:57:34 GMT

@hyacinth003

It's long since past time to stop being nice and polite.

Tell them that you are getting a lawyer, and that it will be paid for from the estate.

Re: What would you do?

violann — Sun, 20 Oct 2019 09:23:45 GMT

@Anonymous032819 wrote:
@hyacinth003

It's long since past time to stop being nice and polite.

Tell them that you are getting a lawyer, and that it will be paid for from the estate.

THIS, BUT WITH ONE DIFFERENCE. CONTACT THE LAWYER FIRST, and let him/her contact brother.

Re: What would you do?

violann — Sun, 20 Oct 2019 09:25:45 GMT

LAWYER UP.

Re: What would you do?

violann — Sun, 20 Oct 2019 09:39:06 GMT

@hyacinth003 - I have somehow missed your previous posts on this subject, but I want to assure you that your feelings of frustration and anger are reasonable and honorable on your father's behalf.

Without detailing my own battle I suffered the same loss of trust, and now am guided solely by the joy and satisfaction of providing the best life possible for my dependent loved one.

All trust between myself and the other party is totally lost. I have WORKED for the last several months of this painful and exhausting year, to forgive. I have made some baby steps forward on doing so, but every aggressive and offensive communication from "the other one" triggers the same reaction, and I doubt seriously that there could ever be any road that could take us to repairing the damage that was done to me.

STAY STRONG!

Re: What would you do?

qualitygal — Sun, 20 Oct 2019 10:53:11 GMT

Did you try the change of address cards at the post office? Anything should go to you that you are looking for, if you go and fill out one of those cards.

Re: What would you do?

KingstonsMom — Sun, 20 Oct 2019 11:09:15 GMT

@hyacinth003

At this point you've had this discussion too many times with your nosey SIL and your spineless brother, to think that their (HER) continued interference in YOUR duty as executor, is not deliberate.

He seriously needs to grow a pair and deal with his wife, to impress upon her that the estate (you, as executor), having to retain an attorney to deal with them, will only REDUCE the amount of inheritance they will receive.

I believe you mentioned before that your Dad wouldn't want his estate to be drained by attorneys battling for opposing family members, as had happened in his family in the past, but they're giving you no choice.

Maybe a good ol' 'come to Jesus' meeting with your BROTHER, not his Battle-axe wife, would help them see the light.

If not, an estate paid attorney and billing the estate for you performing the duties required as executor, may be your only choice with these two.

Just my opinion, but do keep us posted!

Re: What would you do?

CrazyDaisy — Sun, 20 Oct 2019 12:27:10 GMT

I would grow up and stop trying to control everything.

It is time to work together, resolve any issues and heal together. Constant creation of conflicts when there is none is districtive.

Re: What would you do?

Deb665 — Sun, 20 Oct 2019 12:42:05 GMT

@hyacinth003 @KingstonsMom I think IG's suggestion of a meeting is spot on; however, I would have such a meeting at the attorney's office and let him explain that they are causing you extra work which will from this point on be charged to the estate. This is going to reduce the amount they will receive as their inheritance. If there are any legal repercussions to opening mail not addressed to them, picking up papers that are meant for the executor, etc., now is the time for the lawyer to explain all that. He could also make sure they understand that this meeting is being charged to the estate, as will any future meetings. If they are as greedy as I think they are, this might cause them to back off. It just might be money well spent.

Good luck with all of this. Grief and the prospect of money make people do strange things.

Re: What would you do?

qbetzforreal — Sun, 20 Oct 2019 13:00:56 GMT

When my parents passed away, I put in a change of address with USPS so their mail would automatically come to my home. I also contacted the companies they were doing business with to let them know they (parents) were deceased and settled any accounts.

Since your brother and SIL appear to be passive-aggressive, I would suggest you do a change of address for your father as it doesn't seem like you can depend on the assist-living facility.

@hyacinth003

Re: What would you do?

50Mickey — Sun, 20 Oct 2019 13:03:30 GMT

@CrazyDaisy wrote:
I would grow up and stop trying to control everything.

It is time to work together, resolve any issues and heal together. Constant creation of conflicts when there is none is districtive.

I have to agree with this. If they are opening mail that is addressed to your brother what's the problem? It sounds like your brother received your father's mail prior to your father's passing. So it is quite possible that this mail is coming to your brother in his name and he has a right to open mail addressed to him. If this is so upsetting and stressing to you why not make an appointment with an attorney take the will and all of final bills and bank and other account statements, deeds to property and let the attorney handle everything. Ask the attorney to send a certified letter to your brother and SIL instructing them not to open anything addressed to your dad. The relationship with your brother is most likely ruined over this and I think it is a shame that money would come between you and your brother. I just don't understand why you keep asking strangers on this forum for advice on how to handle your dad's estate. How many ways can people say see an atorney and be done with it?