topic Re: Family Problem in Among Friends

Family Problem

Vivian — Mon, 14 Oct 2019 16:15:32 GMT

My brother lives about half an hour from our 97 year old mother, who has 24/7 care with an aide who lives in. My brother is semi-retired, commuting three days a week. I live hundreds of miles away and am caring for my husband who has Alzheimer's.

The problem is that my mother calls my brother and sister in law all the time to take her to doctors' appointments or shopping trips. Sadly, they refuse her most of the time but I do understand that they don't want to be "on call" all the time. They do take her on her errands occasionally but since the aide doesn't drive, most of the time my mother pays a neighbor to drive.

My brother has offered to buy Mom a SmartPhone, install Uber, and have her deal with them. I told him that Mom's technological phobias will make that plan impossible. Today he ordered Uber from his own phone to take her to the doctor. That seems more realistic to me. I can order a car for her as well, if need be. Right now I have my hands full taking care of my husband but I'm open to new ideas and suggestions.

Re: Family Problem

Peaches McPhee — Mon, 14 Oct 2019 16:21:41 GMT

Three suggestions:

gogograndparent, allows your mom to use uber/lyft without a smart phone.

Brother creates a uber/lyft account for your mom and he calls and sets up rides for her. Cost goes to her credit card.

Call your local Office for Aging (through your County) to see if there are any local County-provided transportation programs available

Re: Family Problem

kaydee50 — Mon, 14 Oct 2019 16:24:28 GMT

Just curious--what does the "aide" do? How does she get to your mom?? I would think one of the duties would be to take your mom to appointments/shopping? Can't he/she arrange for a ride?

Re: Family Problem

ItsME — Mon, 14 Oct 2019 16:27:58 GMT

I agree with @kaydee50 . She should have an aide who drives. Aides should be able to get her to her appointments, to the grocery store, and anywhere else she needs to go.

Re: Family Problem

jackthebear — Mon, 14 Oct 2019 16:31:06 GMT

@ItsME wrote:
I agree with @kaydee50 . She should have an aide who drives. Aides should be able to get her to her appointments, to the grocery store, and anywhere else she needs to go.

while the ability to call Uber etc is great,

getting an aide who drives is probably a better solution

Re: Family Problem

Vivian — Mon, 14 Oct 2019 16:31:07 GMT

My mother's aide does not drive, nor is her English very good. Mom refuses to look for someone else. The aide cooks, cleans, and cares for Mom at home. She goes to my mother's medical appointments and supermarket shopping but since she doesn't drive, and there's no car to drive anyway, the aide depends on others to do the driving. I sent my brother the link to gogograndparents and will talk to him about setting up an Uber account that we can use for Mom's rides.

Re: Family Problem

mimomof4 — Mon, 14 Oct 2019 16:38:36 GMT

In your mother's area is there a medical transportation service? In my town I see serveral mini vans for medical transport and know people that did this for a job after retirement. They pick up people take them to the Dr and drive them home from the appointment. Your mother may have some coverage for this service through her insurance.

I would agree giving your mother a smart phone and scheduling a driver would be very difficult at her age.

Re: Family Problem

Havarti — Mon, 14 Oct 2019 20:14:27 GMT

If your mother is happy and safe with the aide, and there are funds to pay for her - THAT is the hard part! Setting up rides is the easy part. If you and your brother ever find you can not set up a ride, teach the aid how to do it and have her set it up. It sounds like this lucky lady is able to keep her independence and has someone she enjoys being with in her own home. Here is hoping she makes it to 100!

Re: Family Problem

Twins Mom — Mon, 14 Oct 2019 16:47:20 GMT

One suggestion since helper‘s English not so good. Have doctors office write down suggestive instructions for you to read Justin case something needs attention. Also make sure you have authority to call and get info. Sounds like you are all trying best to do well by each family member. Best wishes

Re: Family Problem

geezerette — Mon, 14 Oct 2019 17:30:05 GMT

Another thing I might think about would be to find out if the neighbor your mother is using now would consider chauffeuring your mother on a full-time basis. Since your brother and family do take her occasionally and I wouldn't think she would need to go anywhere excessively, perhaps the neighbor would keep doing it for her. She must feel comfortable with the neighbor and the extra money might be attractive for them. And it would be easier for you, your brother or even your mother to schedule rides with the neighbor than a service.

Three cheers for your mom to be so independent at her age! I hope I can make it just another few years, let alone to 97!👍💪

Re: Family Problem

sweetee2 — Mon, 14 Oct 2019 18:15:45 GMT

I sorry, I'm probably going to get beat up for this but I think your brother and SIL should be ashamed of themselves.

You said that she calls them " all the time to take her to her Dr. appointments and shopping trips." If she has that many Dr. appointments don't you 3 think you need to be there to see what's going on?

Also you expect a 97 year old women should be going shopping ALONE with a women the can hardly speak English .

I just don't understand the baby boomers generation.

Re: Family Problem

drizzellla — Mon, 14 Oct 2019 18:28:50 GMT

Several years ago, my Mother-in-law used to have a van pick her up and take her to Doctor's appointments and take her to the nursing home to visit her husband. She did not drive. But the State provided this service free of charge.

All she had to do was call and say where and when the Doctor's appointment was or when she wanted to visit the nursing home. Maybe you could ask at a Senior Center near your Mom's and see if there is a similar service.

Re: Family Problem

CelticCrafter — Mon, 14 Oct 2019 18:41:47 GMT

@sweetee2 wrote:
I sorry, I'm probably going to get beat up for this but I think your brother and SIL should be ashamed of themselves.

You said that she calls them " all the time to take her to her Dr. appointments and shopping trips." If she has that many Dr. appointments don't you 3 think you need to be there to see what's going on?

Also you expect a 97 year old women should be going shopping ALONE with a women the can hardly speak English .

I just don't understand the baby boomers generation.

We are going to have to disagree on this.

My in-laws are in their 90's and don't drive anymore.

My brother-in-law and his wife live 5 minutes away, we live in another state.

My in-laws rely on Office of the Aging transportation and car service to get where they need to go. I think it would be extremely unfair for them or us for that matter to expect my brother-in-law to be their private chauffeur.

Re: Family Problem

chrystaltree — Mon, 14 Oct 2019 18:44:29 GMT

I think your first mistake and it was a big one was hiring a caretaker who can't drive. Driving and running errands is huge part of a caretaker's duties. I do think that you or your brother should use your apps to order the cars for her. In this way, you know all the details of the trip and you can monitor right from your phone. You know when she gets picked up, when she arrives. The cost. Hubby and I look out for an elderly gentleman in our church. He's 95 and has outlived his family and friends and his money. Hubby takes him to the barbershop and for rides. He has a car but he doesn't drive, his part time caretaker drives him but when she is off or on vacation, hubby orders an Uber or Lyft for him. If your mom doesn't already have a smart phone, I think that would be too much for her.

Re: Family Problem

goldensrbest — Mon, 14 Oct 2019 19:37:10 GMT

@sweetee2 wrote:
I sorry, I'm probably going to get beat up for this but I think your brother and SIL should be ashamed of themselves.

You said that she calls them " all the time to take her to her Dr. appointments and shopping trips." If she has that many Dr. appointments don't you 3 think you need to be there to see what's going on?

Also you expect a 97 year old women should be going shopping ALONE with a women the can hardly speak English .

I just don't understand the baby boomers generation.

I agree, the brother should step up, the op has her hands full with her husband. Sounds like a 97 yr old ,has to take care of herself, i think this is terrible.

Re: Family Problem

Montana — Mon, 14 Oct 2019 19:26:56 GMT

@sweetee2 wrote:
I sorry, I'm probably going to get beat up for this but I think your brother and SIL should be ashamed of themselves.

You said that she calls them " all the time to take her to her Dr. appointments and shopping trips." If she has that many Dr. appointments don't you 3 think you need to be there to see what's going on?

Also you expect a 97 year old women should be going shopping ALONE with a women the can hardly speak English .

I just don't understand the baby boomers generation.

I don't know if this is a generational failing, but I also think your brother should be ashamed for treating his mother this way.

Re: Family Problem

Vivian — Mon, 14 Oct 2019 19:52:00 GMT

I am taking in all suggestions, with many thanks. I'll look into more services in Mom's county. I did that a couple of years ago but she rejected the suggestions. Maybe I missed some. I should add that my mother is sharp as a tack. Physically, though, she is very limited. Her mobility is compromised after she broke her hip two years ago and her heart condition makes her tire easily.

As one of the posters noted, finding a good aide is more important than her driving abilities. I will work hard at coming up with some ideas. Since my mother has no car, we need to come up with alternatives. Her neighbor babysits for her grandchildren so she is not always available. Yes,my brother should step up more but it doesn't look like he will. With my husband's illness, there's just so much I can do. Mom never wanted to move to my town. I accept that but it does create challenges these days.

Re: Family Problem

dex — Mon, 14 Oct 2019 19:53:29 GMT

I know my mom has many appointments,hair,doctor,dentist,foot treatments,.The doctor appointments usually lead to seeing a specialist and on it goes.She has something going on with one specialist or another weekly.Then you add their appointments to your appointments and you spend half your time traveling from one place to another.I think it is not fair to the person who must spend their time in waiting rooms.I think the shuttle buses are the best as they have training and equipment to load persons with health related disabilities.

Re: Family Problem

FranandZoe — Mon, 14 Oct 2019 20:02:19 GMT

You or your brother should contact the Area Agency on Aging in your area to see what might be available for her. Or the local State Social Services Dept. (Welfare Dept or Health and Human Services.)

Re: Family Problem

gidgetgh — Mon, 14 Oct 2019 20:06:32 GMT

97 year old mother taking Uber to the doctor. Oh my gosh.