topic Re: What Do You Think? in Among Friends

What Do You Think?

Calcgirl — Sat, 12 Oct 2019 03:21:41 GMT

I have a boyfriend who lives with me. Both of us are widow and widower and marriage is out. We do share expenses and chores. So far so good.

However, what hurts me is when he goes to his hometown to visit family I am never invited, this includes major holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas.Additionally, when his grown children call him they never send their regards to me or ask about me. I have always been kind to them and I took care of their dad ( boyfriend) when he had cancer ( which is why I invited him to move in) . AM I being overly sensitive? My children always include him and treat him as family; with him and his I feel like an outsider.

I had to unload since I just found out he is going back for Thanksgiving and there will be family and friends invited.

Have a nice day everyone. I miss my late husband and the feeling of belonging .

Re: What Do You Think?

ellaphant — Sat, 12 Oct 2019 03:34:00 GMT

I am so sorry your partner is not including you in family/holiday plans and I understand why you would be very hurt. Have you spoken with him about this? If not, you need to have this conversation. Best of luck.

Re: What Do You Think?

DiAnne — Sat, 12 Oct 2019 03:36:35 GMT

@Calcgirl

I think you need to tell him how you feel.

Re: What Do You Think?

Tallgal — Sat, 12 Oct 2019 03:43:18 GMT

You are not being overly sensitive. You need to tell him how you feel.

Re: What Do You Think?

aroc3435 — Sat, 12 Oct 2019 03:44:03 GMT

@Calcgirl Some grown children are very standoffish when it comes to accepting a parent's choice in partners. You don't mention how long you and your gentleman friend have been together, which MIGHT have some bearing on their attitudes. And you might never learn the basis for their attitudes.

Just me: I wouldn't let it bother me since you can't change it and marriage has been ruled out by you both. Only you can control your reaction to their posture. I would just go along with how things are and see if anything changes. Meanwhile, I would happily enjoy time with my family, holidays and other times.

I wouldn't say you are being overly sensitive, it would sadden me, too; but just make the best of things as they are if you value the relationship with him. He may not want to create a "situation" with his children.

I'm sure others will have much different, perhaps better, advice than I am offering. I'm sorry you are missing your late husband and feeling excuded. Be glad you do have your children who do love, and accept you, and graciously include him.

Re: What Do You Think?

september — Sat, 12 Oct 2019 03:44:25 GMT

I'm so sorry. Holidays are a time when single people often feel very lonely. Yet, you're not single, but in a relationship.

I hope you can be with your children for the next holiday. But I would rethink what is happening here

Re: What Do You Think?

denisemb — Sat, 12 Oct 2019 03:47:46 GMT

I agree with @ellaphant and @DiAnne. This needs a conversation between the two of you. I do understand how you feel.

Not that it makes any difference, but how long since you've both been widowed and how long have you been living together?

Re: What Do You Think?

Snowpuppy — Sat, 12 Oct 2019 04:04:45 GMT

He may consider you a housekeeper and caregiver while you consider him as far more.

Marriage is out and expenses are shared. These days its considered friends with benefits woth no strings attached.

Re: What Do You Think?

cindyNC — Sat, 12 Oct 2019 04:07:22 GMT

@Calcgirl I certainly can understand being hurt. Have you met his other family members at all? Do they ever come to visit you? Has your BF had many other relationships other than yours?

I am in the same situation - my BF and I have been together for almost 18 years. Never been asked when my birthday is, and this year neither of his sons bothered to phone him on his birthday. His mother and father were always very nice to me, as well as his cousins. I just think his kids lack manners and common courtesy. I don't think the situation will change much at this point, so I've pulled back from them. I'm courteous and kind, but my BF now buys their gifts etc.

I would ask your boyfriend what's up with not being included.

Re: What Do You Think?

phoenixbrd — Sat, 12 Oct 2019 04:11:16 GMT

@Calcgirl I agree with the comments made by @aroc3435 . It is normal that you would miss the closeness you had with your husband. But is sounds as if you have a happy relationship with your SO other than the holiday situation. Enjoy what you have, and seek closeness with friends and your family when appropriate. If you ask, maybe over time he may want to join in with your family. I wouldn't count on it, but important to let him know he is welcome. Respect yourself and live your life with dignity and joy....no one can take that from you.

Just a note: It is sometimes important to share, but I would be cautious about too much personal information online. Just looking out for you!

Re: What Do You Think?

dex — Sat, 12 Oct 2019 04:16:41 GMT

@Calcgirl @The lack of shared family is painful for you so it is time to have the talk with him.I think that the type of relationship you have agreed to seems to be no strings attached and he might be more comfortable with the situation than you are.You need to decide what makes you happy.It seems to me that you by caring for him when sick etc,are giving a lot of yourself and he is not reciprocating with the same concerns for your emotional wellness.

Re: What Do You Think?

Calcgirl — Sat, 12 Oct 2019 04:19:23 GMT

I have been a widow going on 9 years, boyfriend, 12 years. We met going on 5 years and have lived together for 2 years. I have talked to him about this and he gets defensive and says it is a family thing. They all stay and gather at his sister in laws home . I have met them and they are nice to me. Of course I would not expect to stay at their house. When he visits his son in another state for Christmas Eve, he and his other children stay at a hotel. It appears they are clannish ( if that is a word, lol) . Of course they never offered to take care of their dad when he had prostrate surgery and radiation treatments as well as heart electrical issues that hospitalized him and then needed care afterward. I feel selfish for even writing this since I have always believed kind acts should not expect something in return. Or so I thought that is what I believed, maybe in thought but the heart says differently. I just miss being cared for in that you are so special to me way. I realize intellectually that type of special love comes only once in a lifetime and I had that for 46 years with a man who loved me with his whole heart. It is hard to swallow that I will never feel that kind of love again, at least not here on earth. I have spoken to other widows who have a companion as I do and they say it is not the same, but that we are in a different season of life and to feel thankful to have a companion. For those who are not widows, losing the love of your life the pain never goes away.

Re: What Do You Think?

Calcgirl — Sat, 12 Oct 2019 04:21:06 GMT

Thank you phoenixbird 😊

Re: What Do You Think?

Calcgirl — Sat, 12 Oct 2019 04:22:41 GMT

Whatnow: Very true

Re: What Do You Think?

nikkisaunt1 — Sat, 12 Oct 2019 04:23:54 GMT

It sounds to me that his family does not consider you to be a significant part of THEIR lives. They very likely see you only as their father's roommate abd friend, but not significant other. Perhaps they cannot accept another love for their father beside their mother who passed. So they exclude you at holidays because that is family time and they don't see you as family.

Your boyfriend doesn't say anything probably because he doesn't want to alienate his children. However, you need to figure out if this is okay to you to always be shunted when it comes to his family especially if your own is so warm and welcoming to him.

Re: What Do You Think?

FancyPhillyshopper — Sat, 12 Oct 2019 05:05:34 GMT

I think you are posting this because you are sad and I can definitely feel the "hurt" in your comments.

Yes, the situation is not fair, and not kind, and your boyfriend does not seem to put you at the forefront as you made him your priority during his illness.

Additionally, it is unfortunate that his adult children are neglectful, but he seems to allow that.

I am not sure if you are really looking for advice, because it seems the two of you have been together in this situation for a few years, and you have made the relationship work.

If you want to take action, first, start with him. As a couple, you should share holidays together. Discuss and see if this will change, or if you can create compromises.

You may care for him, but there is nothing that is forcing you to stay with him or settle for just a companion. Life is short--make choices that make YOU happy.

Re: What Do You Think?

RoughDraft — Sat, 12 Oct 2019 05:28:01 GMT

You don't have a boyfriend, you have a roommate. The next move is up to you.

Re: What Do You Think?

countrylady — Sat, 12 Oct 2019 05:52:24 GMT

I agree - Talk with him immediately.

I think he should talk to his family. This should have occurred to him before now.

He lives in your home and his family disrespects you - WRONG!

Time for him to find another home.

He can go live with HIS family.

Re: What Do You Think?

BeccaLou — Sat, 12 Oct 2019 06:29:21 GMT

@Snowpuppy I would wonder how he decribes your relationship with him. That sounds to me like he may be decribeing you as just a companion. In that case that may be how he see's it and they may not know how you feel left out. I would talk to him and find out. That way it would clear the air. But discuss this calmly and not in a angry way.

Re: What Do You Think?

NYC Susan — Sat, 12 Oct 2019 07:06:08 GMT

@Calcgirl wrote:
I have a boyfriend who lives with me. Both of us are widow and widower and marriage is out. We do share expenses and chores. So far so good.
However, what hurts me is when he goes to his hometown to visit family I am never invited, this includes major holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas.Additionally, when his grown children call him they never send their regards to me or ask about me. I have always been kind to them and I took care of their dad ( boyfriend) when he had cancer ( which is why I invited him to move in) . AM I being overly sensitive? My children always include him and treat him as family; with him and his I feel like an outsider.

I had to unload since I just found out he is going back for Thanksgiving and there will be family and friends invited.
Have a nice day everyone. I miss my late husband and the feeling of belonging .

No, you're not being overly sensitive. Only you know how much this bothers you (and apparently it bothers you a lot because you're writing about it here). I know that this would not work for me. If I felt pushed out and not included on major holidays, I would be pretty unhappy.

The way his children treat you is one thing. It's not great, but that may be out of his control. But the rest of it? Leaving you alone on major holidays? No, IMO it's wrong and thoughtless. You deserve to feel cherished and wanted - not excluded. If you're a couple, he shouldn't be treating you like an outsider.

I think you have to figure out if you would be happier with him or without him. I'm sending my best wishes to you.