topic Re: Feeling Hurt in Among Friends

Feeling Hurt

Pasta Lover — Wed, 03 Jul 2019 22:01:58 GMT

Hi,

i do not have any children and lost a daughter through adoption 17 years ago. I have four nieces and nephews who have treated great. I do this with my heart and never even received a card on my birthday or Christmas. On e nephew is my Godson who I Practically grew up along with his brother years ago. Last weekend my nephew's daughter graduating from highschool. They were having a big party the day after. My nephew told me about this on the phone 6 months. I waited day afyer day and no invitation came. 3 days before the party my nehew's daughter was at the door with the invitation. I hah mentioned to my other nephew 3 days beforre that as of that day I did't have an invitation. I found out that all the other aunts AND UNCLES RECIEVED theirs over 2 months. I waa an afterthought or maybe, excluded from the party! Why is what I am asking. I only have done so much for them. Sometimes they wouldn't even thank me. /////my nieces are on their brothers side when I told them that /I must not me part of the family. I have been very sick for a month with a fractured wrist that they all knew.ABOUT. nOT ANY CARDS or get well wishes. I have 1 brother who lives 10minutes away and haven't seen him in 3 years. When everyone is sick I always send out cards. He never even calls me to see how I am. I suffer from depression and anxiety for 29 years, I don't have any family. I feel so hurt and cryed all day Sunday. Why did my nephew treat me like garbage?????

Re: Feeling Hurt

goldensrbest — Wed, 03 Jul 2019 22:09:42 GMT

IT is okay to feel hurt, i can understand ,i would be also, i just do not know why people do these things, if i were you i would step back, not sending cards, you do not have to be their doormat, i am so sorry you are experincing this ,i also have depression,have had it most of my life, it really stinks.

Re: Feeling Hurt

D Kay — Wed, 03 Jul 2019 22:14:19 GMT

You can't change of explain other people's behavior. You can't expect people to be thoughtful when they obviously are not.

Re: Feeling Hurt

Mom2Dogs — Wed, 03 Jul 2019 22:14:28 GMT

@Pasta Lover Family can be very hurtful....I have experienced this pain as have many that post here. I had to cut ties with two siblings, they were just very difficult and not worth the pain thay caused me...I was the one they both called when they wanted/needed something but just got tired of being their door mat.

I have no answer for you, about the very late invitation, it was very rude....I would be hurt as well...I would quit sending gifts, cards, etc., and see what happens. Did you attend the party?

Re: Feeling Hurt

ECBG — Wed, 03 Jul 2019 22:17:49 GMT

So very sorry. I especially don't understand your brother not inviting you over which in my view, inexcuseable.

The nieces and nephews you mention have apparently not been taught by their parents. The others no excuse.

I would also dintance myself, go to a counselor for the anxiety. Maybe a part time position at a card shop or resale shop would give you some involvement, as would joining a book club.

I wish we lived closer together and I would love to take you out to lunch and drag you to the various craft shows!

Re: Feeling Hurt

alicedee — Wed, 03 Jul 2019 22:23:09 GMT

I'm sorry you felt excluded and hurt. These days, most people really don't send out get well cards...sometimes not even birthday cards anymore. Most use Facebook or text messages to send greetings like that. Are you on Facebook and can you get text messages? Since you are posting here, I'm assuming you use a computer. That might help communication.

I know in my family, my brother is a dear person and we love each other...but he never visits me, either. I don't take it as a personal insult. If I called and needed him to do something, he would. Have you called your brother, or are you waiting for him to make the first move?

You say you have battled anxiety and depression for 29 years. Are you under a doctor's care for these conditions and do you take medication? I also know from experience how difficult it is to have a good relationship with someone who is chronically depressed but won't follow doctor's instructions. Not saying this is the case with you....but it could be an explanation of the lack of closeness you are looking for.

Do you have a spouse? Friends? A church you attend? Any volunteer work, pets, hobbies?

I hope you still went to the graduation party, since you DID get the written invitation you requested (though very late). How did you find out your other siblings got their invitations 2 months ago?

A lot of questions here...but I'm trying to understand the situation more completely.

Re: Feeling Hurt

NicksmomESQ — Wed, 03 Jul 2019 22:24:21 GMT

I too have been deeply hurt by family & close friends whom I’ve been very good to. I learned a very hard & painful lesson over the years.

Now I treat everybody well until they give me a reason not to.I no longer come back over & over again just to repeatedly get “punched in the gut”.

Maya Angelou said”When someone shows you who they are believe them”.And now I do & act accordingly.I’m a much happier person now. I have a small circle of friends & a few close family members who I can count on.

Don’t be anybody’s fool. Insulate yourself.Take a step back & cut those people who don’t appreciate you out of your life. You don’t need them.

Re: Feeling Hurt

Veridoc — Wed, 03 Jul 2019 22:24:29 GMT

I don't have any answers or understanding to why anybody does what they do. I can say though that it seems like we all are so much busier than we used to be (I know, poor excuse). I think basically we all have good intentions, we just forget about what is really important. Raising children is not easy these days and when you factor in the increasing demands of work and finances we can sometimes get lost. Talking to a professional might be helpful. Anyway, bottom line is you are never really alone.

Re: Feeling Hurt

Peaches McPhee — Wed, 03 Jul 2019 22:28:38 GMT

Oh dear. This is horrible. There has to be reason. No one ostracizes one single family member, while inviting others, without a reason. If you truly don't understand, is there someone to ask? One of your nephew's parents?

Re: Feeling Hurt

Anonymous032819 — Wed, 03 Jul 2019 22:41:47 GMT

If you really want to know why they treat you the way that they do, there is only one way to find out.

Ask them.

All we can do here is just guess.

The ones to ask is your own family.

But be prepared to hear some things that you might not like.

Re: Feeling Hurt

Sooner — Wed, 03 Jul 2019 22:34:59 GMT

@Pasta Lover When people do not meet your expectations of them, you need to either get new expectations or new people.

You know how they live their lives. I doubt seriously this will not change. So I'm advising you to adjust your reality to accept and love the people they are, not the people you want them to be.

I don't say this to be mean to you, but I have had to let go of my expectations of people sometimes. It isn't easy, but it is easier than being hurt looking for things that will never happen.

Blessings to you and may you find peace with them. Do you let your disappointment with them be known? If so, they may hesitate to contact you over that . . . just an idea.

Re: Feeling Hurt

libbyannE — Wed, 03 Jul 2019 22:35:26 GMT

It’s impossible to know what may be going on because we don’t know you or your family. But your feelings are real and important, and I recommend that you talk about them with a qualified counselor. You need and deserve an outlet and proper counseling so you can feel better.

Re: Feeling Hurt

blackhole99 — Wed, 03 Jul 2019 22:36:55 GMT

@Pasta Lover Who knows why some family members value one over another. I would cut my losses with these people and make friends with people who actually want to be around me. I know when one struggles with depression as a way of life, this will get old for friends and family members. My Mother was clinically depressed since she was a child and although we loved her, it was a cross we all had to bear until the day she died. Just remember it's important for your mental health that YOU come first not your relatives. That being said, don't look to them to include you in their lives if they really don't want it. I know I don't go where I'm not wanted. You sound like a nice person and you deserve to have relationships with people who value you.

Re: Feeling Hurt

KKJ — Wed, 03 Jul 2019 23:06:40 GMT

Am so sorry you are hurting sweet lady. I too have siblings I am not close to and they don't seem to care--too wrapped up in their own lives. And like you I've suffered from anxiety & depression for many years. I feel for you and pray your family will come around and appreciate you for the lovely person you are.

Re: Feeling Hurt

naniz1 — Wed, 03 Jul 2019 23:18:28 GMT

aloha from hawaii, i just wanted to say that i understand that you were hurt and how you are feeling towards your family, because we all have those family members in our family also. Have you ever heard of the saying "DO IT ANYWAY"? I dont know what religion you are, so forgive me if im steppeing out of bounds here. but when you do anything in life, you are doing it for the LOVE of GOD. You do things for others because you love them and thats what you do. And if they dont appreciate it, DO IT ANYWAY. Because in the eyes of the LORD is where it matters the most.

Re: Feeling Hurt

butterfly123 — Wed, 03 Jul 2019 23:23:37 GMT

@Pasta Lover

We had a similar graduation issue with my husband’s nieces. His sister invited us in November and ask my husband to take the day off from work. The other sister didn’t mention the party at all.

No invitations from either niece was received.

My husband’s mother called and begged us to come to the party. We went and both his sisters acted like nothing was wrong. We brought cards and gifted cash for both nieces.

My husband’s mother explained that we are always the Uncle and Aunt that participate in the nieces and nephews lives and the oversight of not receiving either invitation was because we were expected to be there.

You, lovely lady are the kind, loving and wonderful Aunt they expect to attend without an invitation. Your family has high expectations for you to send them cards, presents and always remember their special functions, birthdays, get well wishes and so on.

We didn’t receive a thank you from either niece. My husband and I talked and we spend far less time with either of our families.

I understand your feelings are hurt and rightfully so. I also understand the difficulties of health issues and mental wellness.

I know you have had time to think about your family and how they treat you and hopefully your decision on how to deal with them comes from the heart.

Healing Hugs lovely lady,

🦋

Re: Feeling Hurt

grandma r — Wed, 03 Jul 2019 23:26:40 GMT

@Pasta Lover I am so sorry your family is behaving this way. Sadly we can't explain why some are so rude and thoughtless. Many of us have relatives like this. They think because they are "so busy" it's ok. They only call when they want or need something from you.

I was always the doormat; trying to act like it didn't hurt. No more!!! Although I was always taught to treat others as I wanted to be treated, I have changed. Now I treat people the same way they treat me. If they ignore me, I don't have time for them. It took a while to get here, but, I'm no longer sad and hurt.

Stop being so kind to them, stop treating them so nicely. They just might realize that they miss you.

Sending hugs to feel better!!

Re: Feeling Hurt

RedTop — Wed, 03 Jul 2019 23:30:03 GMT

The key words for me are that you knew about the graduation party 6 months ago and “waited and waited” on an invitation.

You’ve got a brother living 10 minutes away, and you haven’t seen him for 3 years? It’s the same distance from your house to his, as from his house to yours. If it bothers you that you haven’t seen him, why didn’t you go to his house?

Regardless of how many birthday cards and Christmas presents you’ve given, you have to be physically present in family life. You have to be one of those smiling faced core people everyone knows is going to be at the family gathering. You can’t sit in your house and expect your family to include you for everything when they’re not used to seeing you. Excluding yourself shows you don’t care, so how are they supposed to know you wish to be included?

I do understand anxiety and depression; my mom and her entire family were prime examples of it. They fed off each other and drove each other crazy. Thankfully my dad helped my mom find her backbone, and thankfully my brothers and I took after dad’s family.

Yes, if you really want to know the why, ask someone in that inside family circle why you are left out. But you best get prepared to cry some more, as I doubt you will be happy with what you hear.

Re: Feeling Hurt

chiclets — Wed, 03 Jul 2019 23:30:56 GMT

You are hurting so much from circumstances you can not control

You are not responsible for other peoples behavior. Individuals are responsible for their behavior.

Unfortunately no one can have people treat them the way they would like them to.

You share with them, and are considerate towards them, and that is who you are, it is not who they are. You can not get back what you give and having hope and expectations is only making you feel lonelier and abandoned.

You could phone your brother, or someone, and ask them to come over to have a conversation. If you can get your feelings really known to them then see what they say. You may be hurt by their answers. If they avoid speaking with you for this chat then that tells you where you stand. No matter what, in either case it will/may hurt.

Maybe you should just sit back and not go forward in the way of giving as you have done. Leave them alone for awhile and that will be difficult for you to do because it will mean having more distance from them. Feeling such distance from others is your agony.

You feel alone and maybe just facing that fact is the best thing you can do for yourself. Move forward for yourself, with a new outlook, Do for yourself. Do what ever it is that will make you happy.

If you are taking medicines for depression then do make an appointment to see the doctor, and maybe make an appointment to speak with someone concerning you situation.

If you have an organization you can attend then go there. Just get out and be with others. There are many lonely people, and some go to places where they just sit and hope to find someone to chat with.

Be gentle with yourself, and do the best you can for yourself.

Re: Feeling Hurt

AuntG — Wed, 03 Jul 2019 23:39:47 GMT

It's unfortunate @Pasta Lover but I'd like to mention one thing. Someone appeared at your door with an invitation. It's possible you were unintentionally overlooked. One of the previous posters reminded you not to sit at home waiting for them so perhaps you could invite them over when your birthday rolls around. Sure, you might end up even more disappointed, but then again, you might find them including you in family events.