topic Re: Should I call her back? in Among Friends

Should I call her back?

mintedrose — Mon, 08 Apr 2019 22:27:35 GMT

My older sister called me after 3 years. I was the one who called her about 2 years ago and she sounded less than enthused to hear from me. She sounded a bit cold, didnt say much or share much of anything so i stopped calling. She texts once in a blue moon so i just reply in a short message. I know that she has been going through a lot but from what i can remember as a child, she always was. So, im kinda tired hearing about the same ol things. I usually can hear from my mom how shes doing and so on so i know shes ok.

Ever since i got married she's reduced contact with me and i really think its because im no longer the kleenex she once had. I dont wanna be a punching bag or her free time call anymore. I resent that she always makes everything about her everytime as if all the things happening in her life are more important and concerning whereas others are little pee-ons who dont matter. When i was going through a tough tough time, i was all alone and all she could do was make snide comments and not one kind word to me Ever! I did confront her about it and all she said was that how come i dont remember the good things she's done. The thing is I do remember them and have loved her for them, but she berates people afterwards. So how does one remember a good thing someone had done for you when you rip them apart from their dignity afterwards? You just dont! Quick story, I was 11 and she took me to the hair stylist for a hair cut because she thought my hair was too long. The hair dresser took me back and said she thought i could use a deep condition so i said ok. When i was done with a horrible hair cut, she charged extra $10 for the conditioner. My sister ripped me apart infront of the entire salon and strangers. She told me i was an idiot and how could i have approve a huge $10 charge which now she has to pay for. (Mind you she has no financial problems). I was beyond shocked and humiliated!!! I still remember trying so hard not to cry infront of strangers and holding on to my worth. Mind you, I was 11 and new to the place. Yah that and many other scenarios have left a very sore spot and tons of old pain which i dont wanna visit. So, Ive stepped back because i find it emotionally manipulative.

Anyway, Im hesitating to call her back because Im going through a lot myself right now and although i really wish i had someone to talk to, im not sure if i wanna share it with her because im left with strange feelings afterwards. And im not supersticious in any way but everytime i tell her something that im really happy about, it just turns out not good. I know it sounds so silly but its happened way to many times so ive stopped sharing good news w her. Sorry for the long rant but im not really sure i wanna call her right now but if i dont she will hold me responsible for not reaching out to her.

Re: Should I call her back?

ECBG — Mon, 08 Apr 2019 21:59:54 GMT

I totally understand your family dynamics, from a first hand knowledge. I would let her call you again. If you don't want to keep a toxic door open, you certainly don't have to.

I'm sorry that you have this in your life. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Re: Should I call her back?

chrystaltree — Mon, 08 Apr 2019 22:06:07 GMT

You have virtually no relationship with her. You don't like the woman, you don't want to talk to the woman and you don't care about why she called you. You are carrying a grudge from way back in your past. So, do her and yourself a favor and don't return her call. Don't return any of her calls and texts, eventually she will get the message that you don't want a relationship with her. You have history so she'll know why.

Re: Should I call her back?

NicksmomESQ — Mon, 08 Apr 2019 22:13:34 GMT

@mintedrose I totally understand your family drama. I too have stepped away from a couple of family members.And you know what? I’m so much better off for it. I’m calmer & happier.

You are not in this world to be anybody's whipping board.If your sister is toxic to your happiness then step back.Let her reach out.If you must keep her at arms length so you can breathe then do it. The only person you have to answer to is yourself!!

Re: Should I call her back?

Lucylu12 — Mon, 08 Apr 2019 22:47:33 GMT

Sad to say but I too have been there. Cut the strings. You won’t beleive how much better you feel. My friends feel like my sisters more than my sister ever did. I don’t regret it and have never looked back. It’s been over 10 years since we last spoke and I am in my mid 60’s. Wish I would of done it a lot sooner. She brought no happiness to my life and has always been A miserable person and poor me and life didn’t exist out of her world. If it didn’t effect her nothing mattered. I could say a lot more but I won’t. I just don’t regret it and would have no interest in talking to her now, if she ever reached out I would not respond. That’s how much better my life is without her. Life is to short and I am enjoying mine. She is my only sibling. But like I said I have many other sisters that truly have been there for me.

Re: Should I call her back?

kitcat51 — Mon, 08 Apr 2019 22:32:48 GMT

@mintedrose If it's going to bother you that you didn't return her call, then call...you don't have to share anything personal with her & you certainly don't have to listen to her problems, just make it a quick chit chat about nothing important & goodbye. I have a relative that's the same & I call back because I think it's the right thing to do but as soon as the conversation goes bad I simply end the call with no regrets.

Re: Should I call her back?

Mom2Dogs — Mon, 08 Apr 2019 22:32:52 GMT

@mintedrose ....I am in a simular situation....I no longer have contact with 2 sisters....one always had something going on and was very good about creating a big scene, nothing was ever her fault, the other just did what the other sister told her to do.....I am better off with out them but will say I miss having family...holidays, shared experiences, etc....there is a trade off.

My 2 best friends are like family, and I am grateful for their friendship.

I WOULD NOT share with her what you are going thru, if you want a relationship, keep it very surface level.

Re: Should I call her back?

queendiva — Mon, 08 Apr 2019 22:36:05 GMT

Sometimes things can change. One of my sisters was an alcoholic for decades. She was drinking hard at the time of our mother's death and did and said some cruel and unspeakable things to me. I did not meet her expectations apparently. She had expectations of everyone but herself. We kept our distance from each other. Over time, the door was allowed to open a little bit from both sides, so to speak. She wanted me to hate her as much as she hated me, but I wasn't having it. We are probably never going to be close, but we can speak to each other and be in the same room, at the same family table, etc. five years later. She is now sober, which is as blessing.

@mintedrose : please know that your anger and resentment toward your sister will have a negative impact on the entire family dynamic, ruining special events. Siblings,spouses, nieces and nephews will all pay the price. My sister was the only one of my siblings and their spouses who declined to attend my daughter's wedding, even though she had a ride from other relatives who attended and she was living in their home at the time.

Be the bigger person- for yourself. Get your support elsewhere. Do not resent being an ear to listen to what she has to say. Think of an excuse to end the call gently before you return her call if you need to do so. She reached out to you. Don't be too quick to assume the worst. Accept her as best you can, on your own terms. It is not your job to change her, but do look out for yourself. I hope you will try and I wish you all the best in your efforts.

Re: Should I call her back?

AuntG — Mon, 08 Apr 2019 22:46:16 GMT

Yes, you should call her.You'll know soon enough if you'd like to have a long or short conversation. Either way, you shouldn't ignore your own sister.

Re: Should I call her back?

dex — Mon, 08 Apr 2019 22:59:44 GMT

I think if your sister makes you miserable and you can’t trust her then what is the point of the relationship after all of this time.You don’t sound very optimistic about her call and so after reading your post I would say not to call her back.If she wants a relationship with you let her make the effort to build back the trust.

Re: Should I call her back?

CinNC — Mon, 08 Apr 2019 23:03:13 GMT

I have a similar situation with my sister. She is bipolar. Growing up my mother always joked about my sister getting angry and not speaking w/a family member for a few years, then all of a sudden everything would be ok and she would start talking again while finding somebody new not to speak with. The bipolar diagnosis didn't come out until she was in her 20s and saw a therapist.

She tried to contact me on facebook and I declined her friend request simply as I don't trust her. She is fairly wealthy and she was the one who broke contact the last time. I decided that if I wouldn't accept that kind of a behaviour from a friend, why should I accept it from a family member and keep allowing myself to be put in a position to be hurt.

Follow your gut. Keep yourself safe and happy.

Re: Should I call her back?

KingstonsMom — Mon, 08 Apr 2019 23:03:19 GMT

@AuntG

Sorry, but I don't agree with the 'blood is thicker than water' mantra.

A toxic relationship is a toxic relationship, regardless of whether or not you're related by blood.

Re: Should I call her back?

Pook — Mon, 08 Apr 2019 23:13:35 GMT

@mintedrose I get what you're saying. I have a sister quite similar. No matter what is said it always ends up all about her and her issues. She was always buying things for me then she would rip me apart about every aspect of my life. I haven't had contact with her since 2014 and can't tell you how freeing it's been. You know when you have a really great outfit on and have been getting compliments on it all day - wels when that has happened to me, my sister says - "Oh, that color is awful on you and that style isn't becoming and it makes you look fat!! She denigrates everyone and never accepts that others are content and happy.

It's up to you whether you want to get back into that and I couldn't give you one good reason to. You don't need to feel guilty for not wanting to call her.

Re: Should I call her back?

Ketra — Mon, 08 Apr 2019 23:20:29 GMT

@mintedrose wrote:
My older sister called me after 3 years. I was the one who called her about 2 years ago and she sounded less than enthused to hear from me. She sounded a bit cold, didnt say much or share much of anything so i stopped calling. She texts once in a blue moon so i just reply in a short message. I know that she has been going through a lot but from what i can remember as a child, she always was. So, im kinda tired hearing about the same ol things. I usually can hear from my mom how shes doing and so on so i know shes ok.

Ever since i got married she's reduced contact with me and i really think its because im no longer the kleenex she once had. I dont wanna be a punching bag or her free time call anymore. I resent that she always makes everything about her everytime as if all the things happening in her life are more important and concerning whereas others are little pee-ons who dont matter. When i was going through a tough tough i was all alone and all she could do was make snide comments and not one kind word to me Ever! I did confront her about it and all she said was that she didnt think she was being that way at all. Really? Honestly, at times she has made me feel very bad about myself and therefore, ive stepped back because i find it sort of emotionally manipulative.

Anyway, Im hesitating to call her back because Im going through a lot myself right now and although i really wish i had someone to talk to, im not sure if i wanna share it with her because im left with strange feelings afterwards. And im not supersticious in any way but everytime i tell her something that im really happy about, it just turns out not good. I know it sounds so silly but its happened way to many times so ive stopped sharing good news w her. Sorry for the long rant but im not really sure i wanna call her right now but if i dont she will hold me responsible for not reaching out to her.

@mintedrose I’m really sorry you are going through all these mixed emotions regarding your sister. The best advice I can offer is to pray on it, and the Holy Spirit will give you an answer. He’s never let me down. I’ll pray for you as well. If you don’t pray, then listen to everyone’s advice, think on it, and then make a decision on what to do. I could write a book about me and my sister, but I won’t bore you with pages of craziness. Suffice to say my sister had a couple of drinks and made fun of my mother’s last dying words. (laughing about them) I forgave that. I always forgave her. Even now I forgive her, but I no longer want her in my life. The final straw happened when I was sick and in a lot of pain. She asked me how I was feeling. I said not too great, but it is what it is right now. She then says I think your illness is caused by a curse or witchcraft caused by Mom (our dead mother). I couldn’t believe what I had heard. She had said this before about a year earlier. I told her then if she ever spoke about what she thinks caused my autoimmune disease again, I would never speak to her again. Well, about a year later when I was having a flare up she did it again. I blew up at her. I didn’t want sympathy from her, understanding would have been nice or even silence, but trying to make me upset with her crazy talk when I’m sick was too much to take.That’s not my definition of sisterly love. My mother and my sister had unresolved issues because my sister would never speak her mind to my mother’s face. She would talk behind her back but pretend everything was fine to her face. My mother was a Christian, not perfect by any means, but who is. My sister is an extreme fundamental Christian that sees every mistake or flaw in a person as a curse, evil spirit or as witchcraft. When I confronted my sister about saying those things to me a second time, she said she didn’t remember saying them the first time or the huge altercation that followed. She never remembers anything I tell her, even really important things. She doesn’t have dementia (I don’t think), it’s just that what I tell her never matters enough for her to really listen. She’s the type that is always right (even when she’s wrong) and has to give everyone advice on how to live their life even if they don’t ask for it. The last time I spoke to my sister was 15 Nov 2018. I’m sad to tell you that I don’t miss talking to her or being with her because it always ended in pain. I can no longer deal with that emotional pain, and I’m better off without it. It’s my hope and belief that my sister and I will be close in the after life, but until then it’s best we remain apart. I’m at peace with my decision as I hope and pray that whatever decision you make will give you peace.

Re: Should I call her back?

SXMGirl — Mon, 08 Apr 2019 23:21:11 GMT

@mintedrose Since you are going through some tough times, I would not call her nor would I take her calls. Get yourself together and get through whatever problems you are having. Hopefullly, you have someone to talk to who will be supportive.

We only have one life and we do not have to spend time with people who we do not like, and it sounds like you do not like your sister. That happens and does not mean that there is anything wrong with you. What is more peaceful for you? Use that as a guide.

Re: Should I call her back?

SeaMaiden — Mon, 08 Apr 2019 23:26:42 GMT

@Mom2Dogs wrote:
@mintedrose ....I am in a simular situation....I no longer have contact with 2 sisters....one always had something going on and was very good about creating a big scene, nothing was ever her fault, the other just did what the other sister told her to do.....I am better off with out them but will say I miss having family...holidays, shared experiences, etc....there is a trade off.

My 2 best friends are like family, and I am grateful for their friendship.

I WOULD NOT share with her what you are going thru, if you want a relationship, keep it very surface level.

@Mom2Dogs I also have no contact with my two older Sisters. One I have not seen or spoke to in 40 years....the other it has been over 30 years. So much family drama! Now I would not even know them....complete strangers.

Re: Should I call her back?

Mom2Dogs — Mon, 08 Apr 2019 23:31:30 GMT

@SeaMaiden ....I never in a million years thought that I would be so disconnected from my sisters.....it's been about 10 years since I saw them...at a relatives funeral...probably will be the last time....it's sad.

Re: Should I call her back?

pdlinda — Mon, 08 Apr 2019 23:47:47 GMT

@Lucylu12 wrote:
Sad to say but I too have been there. Cut the strings. You won’t beleive how much better you feel. My friends feel like my sisters more than my sister ever did. I don’t regret it and have never looked back. It’s been over 10 years since we last spoke and I am in my mid 60’s. Wish I would of done it a lot sooner. She brought no happiness to my life and has always been A miserable person and poor me and life didn’t exist out of her world. If it didn’t effect her nothing mattered. I could say a lot more but I won’t. I just don’t regret it and would have no interest in talking to her now, if she ever reached out I would not respond. That’s how much better my life is without her. Life is to short and I am enjoying mine. She is my only sibling. But like I said I have many other sisters that truly have been there for me.

I mimic your sentiments and situation. I stepped away from my "sister" last year and it was the BEST thing I ever did for my peace of mind and serenity. I do speak to my niece (my sister's daughter) out of a sense of compassion because her mother (my "sister") was so cruel and indifferent toward her but regardless of anything that arises now or in the future I pledge to NEVER speak to my "sister" again. I have to focus on the positives in life and am blessed to have many!!

Re: Should I call her back?

pigletsmom — Mon, 08 Apr 2019 23:52:25 GMT

Well I'll come at this from a different angle I guess. How old are you guys now and what's the age gap? I think it's interesting that the story you used to illustrate how she is goes back to when you were a kid.

She could want to make amends now or who knows. There's no reason for you to call her back if you don't want to. I don't think there's a right or wrong decision. If it's worth it for you to find out what she wants you can give it a shot. If she's just not worth the trouble then moving on is just fine. If she's so horrible that you can't have a cordial relationship so be it.

Re: Should I call her back?

drizzellla — Mon, 08 Apr 2019 23:55:46 GMT

One thing that keeps creeping into my brain is - are you going to regret not calling your sister back later on? It will only take a few minutes to see why she was calling you. And then you can move on.

I am only asking because I have a huge regret. My Mother was released from the hospital and was in a nursing home. The Doctor stated that my Mother was not to be given any liquids. No liquids with her meals and no water was allowed to brush her teeth. She was not in good shape. I suspect she had a bowel blockage because she was 97 pounds but her belly looked like she was 8 months pregnant.

My Mom wanted water so she could brush her teeth and some liquid with her meals. And I wanted my Mom to have what she wanted. So the nursing home said I had to sign forms and have her declared Incompetent. My Mom also had to sign the forms. The nursing home was CYA. Well that was the last conversation I had with my Mom. Explaining to her that she had to agree that she was Incompetent. She was not a happy camper and did not care for me making her sign the forms.

The next night I went to visit her after work. They were cleaning her up and dressing her for bed. I went to visit my Dad in the same nursing home. I went back to her room. And the lights were out, I softly spoke her name but there was no reply. So I figured the next day was Saturday, I would go over early to visit with her. Well, early Saturday morning she passed. So the last words I ever spoke to my Mom was to make her sign the forms for her to be declared Incompetent.

I regret that the last family member that ever spoke to her was such a negative conversation. And there is nothing I can do about it now.

So maybe see what your sister has to say and then move on.