topic Re: Do people actually keep score? in Among Friends

Do people actually keep score?

CrazyDaisy — Tue, 02 Apr 2019 11:53:59 GMT

There are constant posts about neighbors or friends who may ask for help. Or posters who may ask for help and then feel slighted when they don't get what they want. Do people really keep score of who they help and then have an expectation that they are required to reciprocate?

I help a friend or neighbor because they need help and I am able to do it. There are no expectations, no need to pay it back. Should I find myself in need of help, I would hope someone would help me, however it is not a requirement of my friends.

Re: Do people actually keep score?

QVCkitty1 — Tue, 02 Apr 2019 12:10:57 GMT

I think we are more likely to come to the aid of someone when we know they would be there for us. I believe what Maya Angelou said, “ Never make Someone a

priority when all you are is an option.” In an emergency though I will do what I can.

Re: Do people actually keep score?

CelticCrafter — Tue, 02 Apr 2019 12:16:18 GMT

Actually I do know someone that does. Writes it all down.

It may not all be about doing favors or good for someone and expecting it back it also includes gifts - who gave what so that when the times comes the same thing or amount can be given back.

Re: Do people actually keep score?

software — Tue, 02 Apr 2019 12:19:02 GMT

Yes, absolutely

I do try to return a favor, it's nice when others do the same.

But it's not a requirement.

@CrazyDaisy wrote:
There are constant posts about neighbors or friends who may ask for help. Or posters who may ask for help and then feel slighted when they don't get what they want. Do people really keep score of who they help and then have an expectation that they are required to reciprocate?

I help a friend or neighbor because they need help and I am able to do it. There are no expectations, no need to pay it back. Should I find myself in need of help, I would hope someone would help me, however it is not a requirement of my friends.

Re: Do people actually keep score?

NicksmomESQ — Wed, 03 Apr 2019 02:11:28 GMT

I don’t think people necessarily keep track. But when you always help someone out & inconvenience yourself to do it you would hope that in the event that you need help that person would come through.

I have a young neighbor who works & has a 6 year old whose been in school 2 years. She is always running late.As a result she is always asking me to either pick her daughter up at the bus stop , put her on the bus or sometimes pick her up from school if she gets sick.I take the child into my home.I feed her.Sometimes help her with homework & keep her entertained until one of her parents pick her up.Usually,in an hour or two.

Most of the time I’m able to help her. I rearrange my schedule & make it work.In over 2 years I never asked her for a favor until 2 weeks ago. My car was in the shop for repair. DH was in NYC for meetings. I needed a quick ride to pick my car up. My mechanic is a 5 minute drive away.

This happened during Spring break. She was home because her child was off from school.When I asked her she said she didn’t feel like leaving the house & that I should call an Uber.I did just that.

My neighbor didn’t owe me a ride but it sure would have been nice.

Re: Do people actually keep score?

Peaches McPhee — Tue, 02 Apr 2019 12:51:42 GMT

@CelticCrafter wrote:
Actually I do know someone that does. Writes it all down.

This stuns me, in a bad way. What a horrible way to live your life . . .

Re: Do people actually keep score?

K9buddy — Thu, 04 Apr 2019 03:49:11 GMT

Tell me all of you holier than thou posters wouldn’t be ticked off if you were Nicksmom and wouldn’t rush to the aid of that neighbor in the future.

Re: Do people actually keep score?

software — Tue, 02 Apr 2019 13:18:58 GMT

@K9buddy wrote:
Tell me all of you holier than thou posters wouldn’t be ticked off if they were Nicksmom and wouldn’t rush to the aid of that neighbor in the future.

Some people are very kind and choose to live a life helping others.

Can you not accept that?

I'm glad they exist.

I'm just not one of them.

Re: Do people actually keep score?

Carmie — Tue, 02 Apr 2019 13:19:53 GMT

I have never seen constant posts about people needing help, but I have seen a couple over the years.

In the posts I have seen there is no keeping score. The complaints are because there is someone who feels they were taken advantage of. There are givers and takers in this world.

Good people do both. Unappreciative, entitled people are glad to take help over and over again, but won't lift a finger when someone else needs a favor.

Having somone treat you you this way makes you feel bad and it hurts. I completely understand.

Re: Do people actually keep score?

CrazyDaisy — Tue, 02 Apr 2019 13:26:23 GMT

@K9buddy wrote:
Tell me all of you holier than thou posters wouldn’t be ticked off if they were Nicksmom and wouldn’t rush to the aid of that neighbor in the future.

While yes I may be annoyed, it is not a given the person will be able to accommodate you. People always have the option of saying no. To stop helping someone because you didn't get something you wanted out of it is not something I would do.

Re: Do people actually keep score?

Deb665 — Tue, 02 Apr 2019 13:30:57 GMT

I usually find myself in the position of the giver. Don’t mind doing favors for others until I reach the point that i’m being used. 10 years ago I lived on a street that had several younger families who traveled a lot. I was the one they all wanted to take care of their dogs when they traveled.

Family 1 had a large female lab that my two Westie’s loved. The family left for a week at Thanksgiving and 2 weeks at Christmas, their dog came to live with us. We took care of her as if she belonged to us. There were other trips and vacations, but the holidays became a tradition.

Family 2 was so comfortable with me taking care of their house and dog that they once called from out of state to tell me the dog was locked in the bathroom, the plants would need to be watered daily and they had scheduled a construction worker to come look at their chimney on a certain day and I would need to be there while he worked.

Family 3 went to an amusement park every weekend during the summer and wanted me to feed their dog and let him in and out.

All 3 families wanted their mail picked up and any packages brought in. This went on for several years, it was especially fun when families 2 & 3 would vacation together!

My sister and I decided we wanted to take an overnight trip. We first asked Family 1 if they would feed our dogs twice a day. We had a doggie door and all we needed was for someone to feed them and make sure they had water. The response to our request, “we MIGHT be able to do it if you csn’t Find someone else”

Family 2 weren’t going to be available anytime in October.

Family 3 didn’t want to commit because opportunities were always coming up for them to go places and if the were offered a chance to go somewhere they wouldn’t be able to see about our dogs.

None of the families could understand when it was no longer convenient for me to take care of their house, plants or animals. One family pushed wanting to know why until I finally said I don’t want to.

I felt I went beyond doing favors for these people and was being used. There is a difference.

Re: Do people actually keep score?

Eileen in Virginia — Tue, 02 Apr 2019 13:33:26 GMT

As I’ve mentioned before DH, DS and I are helping my elderly aunt who was hospitalized with congestive heart failure and pneumonia in October. She and my uncle didn’t have any children. My cousin, her only other relative in the area and her power of attorney, is a Federal contractor. DH, DS and I have taken her to every appointment she’s had since being released from rehab so my cousin doesn’t have to take time off from work to do it. We’re happy to do this and didn’t start counting how many appointments we’d taken her to until my cousin started acting like we weren’t doing enough and taking us for granted. So now I've highlighted all the dates of appointments we’ve taken her to since October on the master calendar. In the 6 months since she came home, he finally got her a Life Alert lanyard last week. We've also told him he’s got the lead on getting her eyes checked with her ophthalmologist.

On a lighter note, one of our neighbors would call to ask for an egg or a cup of milk to make something (usually for breakfast). I never gave it much thought until I told DH that she’d be coming over while I was downstairs doing laundry. His immediate response was “What does she need now?” We laughed, but I never realized how much she borrowed. It doesn’t matter, because they’re good neighbors. In her case, it was a matter of being a very busy mother.

Generally, we’re happy to help out whenever possible, but don’t like feeling like someone’s taking advantage of us.

Re: Do people actually keep score?

CrazyDaisy — Tue, 02 Apr 2019 13:35:28 GMT

@Carmie wrote:
I have never seen constant posts about people needing help, but I have seen a couple over the years.

In the posts I have seen there is no keeping score. The complaints are because there is someone who feels they were taken advantage of. There are givers and takers in this world.

Good people do both. Unappreciative, entitled people are glad to take help over and over again, but won't lift a finger when someone else needs a favor.

Having somone treat you you this way makes you feel bad and it hurts. I completely understand.

The question is do they feel taken advantage of or hurt because they keep score or track of what they do for others. It then becomes an expectation that the good deeds will be returned.

Re: Do people actually keep score?

CrazyDaisy — Tue, 02 Apr 2019 13:42:35 GMT

@Deb665 wrote:
I usually find myself in the position of the giver. Don’t mind doing favors for others until I reach the point that i’m being used. 10 years ago I lived on a street that had several younger families who traveled a lot. I was the one they all wanted to take care of their dogs when they traveled.

Family 1 had a large female lab that my two Westie’s loved. The family left for a week at Thanksgiving and 2 weeks at Christmas, their dog came to live with us. We took care of her as if she belonged to us. There were other trips and vacations, but the holidays became a tradition.

Family 2 was so comfortable with me taking care of their house and dog that they once called from out of state to tell me the dog was locked in the bathroom, the plants would need to be watered daily and they had scheduled a construction worker to come look at their chimney on a certain day and I would need to be there while he worked.

Family 3 went to an amusement park every weekend during the summer and wanted me to feed their dog and let him in and out.

All 3 families wanted their mail picked up and any packages brought in. This went on for several years, it was especially fun when families 2 & 3 would vacation together!

My sister and I decided we wanted to take an overnight trip. We first asked Family 1 if they would feed our dogs twice a day. We had a doggie door and all we needed was for someone to feed them and make sure they had water. The response to our request, “we MIGHT be able to do it if you csn’t Find someone else”

Family 2 weren’t going to be available anytime in October.

Family 3 didn’t want to commit because opportunities were always coming up for them to go places and if the were offered a chance to go somewhere they wouldn’t be able to see about our dogs.

None of the families could understand when it was no longer convenient for me to take care of their house, plants or animals. One family pushed wanting to know why until I finally said I don’t want to.

I felt I went beyond doing favors for these people and was being used. There is a difference.

You did these favors because you wanted to, you could and possibly should have said no if I became something more than helping them out. When it becomes a job you should be compensated in some way.

Re: Do people actually keep score?

qualitygal — Tue, 02 Apr 2019 13:56:27 GMT

No score keeping. No need.

When I help, it's with my heart in forward gear with no expections or strings. What a waste of time and energy to do it any other way. It's a choice and we can say NO as easily as YES. But if I can help, why not!!

Re: Do people actually keep score?

on the bay — Tue, 02 Apr 2019 14:10:21 GMT

@CrazyDaisy -

I think some people do and some people never feel that way.

I don't ever think of reciprocation because I usually help people because I care about them and there usually is a great reward in itself for that.

I have a neighbor with dementia and I actually love spending time with her.

She has a great sense of humor, and she is always so happy to go out to lunch. I actually never get tired of hearing her stories even if they are the same ones I've heard before. We have a lot of the same feelings and interests, and thoughts. She loves animals and her dog loves me. She is very unique and always makes me feel so loved and special too.

When I help my elderly mother, it is hard sometimes physically, but she is always so grateful, I feel I would do it all over again because I love her. Same with my children and I know I'm not alone in this, that you can do things to help that maybe are hard or you could never do for someone else, and never imagined that you could do.

Yet, I also try not to do things for everyone and anyone and any group or club under the sun!

But when you can spend time or do something for people, our fellow humans, it is a wonderful time spent.

Re: Do people actually keep score?

kitcat51 — Tue, 02 Apr 2019 14:09:30 GMT

Of course people keep score & it goes beyond neighbors & friends, add family to that...they are the worst & oh the stories I could tell.

Re: Do people actually keep score?

missy1 — Tue, 02 Apr 2019 14:17:32 GMT

IMO it's like friendship, when you are the one that only gives... then it's time to end it.

If I was Knicksmom, I would not be picking up the child anymore. I would feel like a doormat. It's not about keeping score. But when I have done 100 things for this person, and they can't return one favor, it's a problem.

Re: Do people actually keep score?

Sooner — Tue, 02 Apr 2019 14:16:51 GMT

I have discovered that people are very different in the way that they view relationships. Some of the things I read hear simply knock my socks off.

There are those who will help when they can and think nothing of it, want nothing in return and are happy to be able to help

There are those who help to glorify themselves and want nothing other than praise, and lots of it, from others.

There are martyrs who want to say to the world "I was abused, used and was a doormat" and are proud of it.

Those who want quid pro quo. And nothing less, and probably a lot more, will do.

There are those too weak to ever say no.

And on and on and on. There are angry people, mean people, sad people, happy, and givers and takers in this world. It's up to each to sort out who we are; and up to us to avoid some of the above when we can.

Re: Do people actually keep score?

Group 5 minus 1 — Tue, 02 Apr 2019 14:17:57 GMT

In the last power outage we helped many and did not keep score. When we needed a favor it was returned gladly. Is that what you mean?